CH 5 (2/2)

that Osa sentence „I have lived a life

of much shaen shi+kkaku‟, and thought

that the main character, who „failed to comprehend the pain felt by those around me‟ and „was

terrified of humans, yet I cannot abandon huain the love of

others by playing the cloas hi

In „Ningen shi+kkaku‟, two characters recognized the main character‟s clown tricks Incidentally,

they were foiled characters One of theh classmate of the main character, a

buddy called Takeichi That child alorn clothing He was bad at both school work

and sports He was seen as an inferior student This apparently harmless boy, however, accused

the main character of fakery He denounced theevery word and every

action This hit the main character so hard that it was as if the whole world has been scorched by

the flaood friends with that boy He did it to stay at the boy‟s

side to have him under surveillance

The other person was the prosecutor that was sent to question him when he alone survived

through that group suicide In the book, the prosecutor „has a handsohteous face, he

appears very sh the lies made by the main character

When he was looking at the main character with his calm contempt, the main character

experienced full taste of „3 jugs of cold sweat‟ of shame [TL note: a japanese proverb]

Under the backdrop of a blue sky, with the school roof as the stage, Tooko Senpai, with her long

French braids dancing along with the wind, ceaselessly stated her deductions

Her posture and her way of speaking both cast an unfamiliar stress onto its listeners- none of us

dared to interrupt; we all silently listened to Tooko senpai‟s analysis

“S is not someone ould worshi+p or envy Shuuji Kataoka That person always uses the

purest, most neutral stance to view Shuuji Kataoka At other times he would also watch Shuuji

with a judging intention

He was probably someone who always stayed by Shuuji‟s side He looked at Shuuji, and handed

hiiven his opinions to Shuuji

Rihoko san Your maiden name was Sena, is that correct?”

The wife of Soeda san- Rihoko san looked a bit startled and, with a stiff face, nodded lightly

“Yes”

“Ten years ago, you were the irls

liked Shuuji Senpai, so often that there were irls who came to view his practices I heard

that because of this, Shuuji Senpai would always got scolded by the club er Only in front

of you, did Shuuji Senpai fail to talk back

You are S, aren‟t you?”

Rihoko san took a small breath

Her arhtened even more so She raised her head and,

looking dead at Tooko Senpai, said with a resolute tone,

“Yes I am S I killed both Sakiko and Kataoka”

“Rihoko!”

“What are you talking about, Rihoko!”

Manabe san and Soeda san shouted at the same time

Soeda san ran to Rihoko san and yelled

“Stop talking nonsense! I stabbed Shuuji to death! And Sakiko too- I was the reason Sakiko got

hit by the car I saithon the road, covered with blood!”

“But, it was ive you a chance to walk Sakiko home Also,

don‟t you ree of the chance that you consulted with ly

urged you to confess to Sakiko”

“What-“

Soeda san‟s voice choked of

“I said to Kataoka, „I will bet you that Sakiko will fall in love with Soeda‟ Kataoka agreed to bet

against me This is why he told you that he had to stay behind in the school for club work, and

asked Soeda… asked you to walk Sakiko ho the

two of you”

“What! Then, when Sakiko got hit by the car, you two-“

“Yes We saw everything How Sakiko‟s body got slaround

How you panicked and ran away We witnessed everything”

Soeda san became completely speechless

Manabe san took Soeda san‟s role and asked Rihoko san

“Then why did you do all that, Rihoko? Didn‟t you say that Shuuji was untrustworthy and you

hated him? And back then, ere-“

“Yeah, at that tiether You are always very confident, always honest and frank

towards everyone You were very attractive I really liked you

In comparison, Kataoka was an undependable person who always makes juvenile jokes He

never showed his true face to anyone, and that truly disgusts me So, one day, when I finally had

enough, I said to hi to trick everyone with

your acts” When Kataoka heard that, he looked horrified and was ready to break down and cry

His expression looked so fragile, so lonely; So much so that I cannot ever leave him by himself”

Manabe san and Soeda san both stayed silent

Tooko Senpai lightly said,

“After that, you became the person who understood Shuuji Senpai the best, and also that‟s how

you fell in love with him”

“Yeah From that day on, only in front of me would Kataoka stop his acts He would tell me, and

only to rief When sos, all

his sincerity, do you think a woman can resist?”

Tooko Senpai grievously said,

“No”

Rihoko san smiled and said,

“…Kataoka kun was very smooth, he was just like a little kid But at the same time he was very

understanding, always attentive He was someone you couldn‟t help but fall in love with”

“What a coincidence… In the diary of Tomie Yamazaki, who committed suicide with Osamu

Dazai, she too wrote that Dazai was very sly, but I just cannot help but fall in love with him…

Dazai sensei was someone who you couldn‟t help but fall in love with…”

“Yeah Kataoka kun liked „Ningen shi+kkaku‟ a lot He read the book so many times that the

book itself orn out Even though he told Sakiko that he didn‟t like to read books, and

would fall asleep whenever he reads one

Kataoka kunabout Kataoka For this

reason, the burden on Kataoka becaated Soeda to

tempt Sakiko away from Kataoka

No, perhaps I was just jealous of Sakiko

My foolish plan resulted in the death of Sakiko, and so Kataoka‟s guilt becaer than

ever He was already a in with, and now he collapsed

completelySuicide, suicide, this became all he wished for

Kataoka didn‟t blame me for Sakiko‟s death If he blamed me for her death, I would actually feel

a bit better But instead he just silently stared at me Whenever I see his „please kill me‟ face, a

heavy weight would push down on me

I can‟t kill Kataoka

But he seeks death

Even before the accident he wanted to kill himself; now all he ever wished for is death He truly

believed that death was the only way he could free himself from his endless pain

I didn‟t knohat to do To help hiht?

A month after Sakiko‟s death, Kataoka wrote me a letter and put it into my desk drawer In the

letter he wrote that he needed to talk to o up to the roof I knew that it was

ti When I realized this, ht went black

I didn‟t want to go

I wanted to skip and go home If I did that, maybe Kataoka would realize what a fool he was and

stop what he was planning

But, what if Kataoka decide to die alone? If

betrayal in his heart, ju-[TL note: betrayal is not the right word,

but I can't think of any other suitable word]

When I thought of that, I couldn‟t hold it any longer… in the end I o”

“When Rihoko san reached the top of the building, Shuuji Senpai was still alive”

Rihoko Senpai nodded

“On host-faced Soeda run down the staircase When I pushed

open the roof door, I found Kataoka He had a knife in his chest and was lying on the concrete

floor He looked atat the same time, and then muttered „Hey,

I couldn‟t die fro because of this‟”

Takeda san, who has been silent, croakily asked,

“And then- what happened?”

“He said…‟Killme, he added, „I am tired, please kill me”

Everyone held their breath

Rihoko san, with both her voice and her ar, said,

“Kataoka unsteadily stood up and asked me „can I borrow your handkerchief?‟ I handed mine to

hierprints off the handle of the knife He then handed back the

handkerchief and staggered towards the ”

Shuuji Kataoka slowly, sloalked towards the metal rail

There, his body became one with Miu‟s

I understand- I too have witnessed this scene of despair

Miu slowly, sloalked towards her doom

And then, with her unifor in the wind, she turned and looked at me

“Kataoka turned and looked atbut sorrow in her eyes”

Miu‟s eyes were very clear, they looked very alone

“‟Sena san, only you can kill me Even to this instant, I still could not understand a person‟s

heart Why is Soeda jealous of me? Why does he hate me so much that he wants to stab me to

death? I don‟t understand When Sakiko died in front of h I saith my own

eyes, I didn‟t feel sad at all „I want to die All I want to do is to die It‟s too late to save anything

Nois now useless They would only draw

on even more shame onto me‟Hey… what did Daizai feel when he wrote that book? I feel that I

aht now I can co like me,

do I still have the worth to stay alive? Sena san, only you can answer this question Please tell me

the answer‟”

Miu said,

--„Konoha, surely you don‟t understand…‟

“It‟s too late to save Kataoka kun

If I really do love him, I should at least help him realize his last wish

So I replied-

„Yes, you are ningen shi+kkaku” [TL note: ie You have lost the right to remain as a human]

I---couldn‟t say anything

I didn‟t make a sound, nor did my feet move What Miu said, I completely failed to understand

“A gentle smile appeared on Kataoka‟s face,

as if he was thanking

Then he walked off the roof

It was I and Dazai who killed Kataoka”

A lonely s backward, she fell off the

roof

I couldn‟t do anything

I let her kill herself- !

“Stop!”

I heared a roar that even could pierce the air apart For an instant I thought it was my own voice

But, in reality it was the voice of Soeda san Soeda san had his knees on the concrete floor, and

sobbed with his arms wrapped around his head

“Stop, I don‟t want to hear anymore It was me who killed Shuuji And now you say the person

you truly love is Shuuji? Then, what aree to marry with me?”

Rihoko san calmly answered,

“Because we are the accomplices, so… it couldn‟t be Manabe”

Manabe‟s face was strained He tightly bit his lips

Rihoko put her knees onto the floor She hugged Soeda san and lightly said,

“Hey, Soeda kun To this day you still hate Kataoka, and you can‟t get your ht?

You will reht? So will I… I too can‟t get him out of

my mind, I constantly reet him I

will always remember him

So give it up, Soeda kun You and I are bound by the same person We are the accomplices that

committed the same crime”

“The baby… The baby will be born soon… but this how could I live with you now, after all

these? It‟s like living in hell”

Tears appeared in between the hands that he covered his face with They fell onto the concrete

floor and wet it

Takeda san looked at all these with a weak and feeble expression

“Yes We will spend the rest of our lives living in hell But that‟s all right, as long as we are

willing to face this, no o, we can live on

Also, in this world, only I will not bla like this to Kataoka I don‟t

think of you as a coward, nor do I think of you as shaic I want to treasure you even

more If you think of it this way, you would feel a bit better, right?

Hey, Yasuyuki Let us continue to be reminded of Kataoka Let us continue to be jailed by him,

and then ill live a coive birth to the child, and then ill

parent him We will live in hell! It is the only e can repent to Kataoka”

The voice of Soeda san sobbing could be heard throughout the roof

Tooko Senpai, Takeda san, and Manabe san all remained silent

Then I- what could I do to repent?

What should I do to solace? To be saved?

Miu… Tell me, Miu…

“Konoha kun!”

Tooko Senpai was calling me

And then I heard footsteps; a braid brushed across htly I

noticed a scent of violet orchidThat

was the last thing I recognized

I lost my consciousness due to extreme distress

◇ ◇ ◇

The first tio

The long winter was finally over One can finally start to feel warmth from the air It was an

afternoon in April

When people stopped caring about Miu Inoue, I finally put down the heavy burden „genius

Bishoujo writer‟ The sudden relief of stress actually hout my body In

addition, the wound I received from the roof accident had not healed yet

Even though I entered senior high, I didn‟t actively try to make friends; nor did I want to join any

club When it was lunch break or after school, I would stand in the middle of the courtyard and

look at the plants in a trance I would repeat the sa activity everyday

One day after school, when I was taking a walk in the courtyard, I noticed a girl sitting

underneath a white lietia tree Her French braids reached her wraist She was leaning

against the tree and was reading

Her eyebroere very long, and her skin was as fair as the white lietia flower It felt as if

the air surrounding her were steady and clear

(It‟s rare to see people with such long braids nowadays She looked like a girl from the Taishoperiod

But she looks very mature, she is probably older than me…)

When I was busy observing her and trying to come to some sort of conclusionThat

fees apart

(Eh?)

As I stood stunned, she put one of the pieces into her mouth

(Eheheh?)

And then the fe on that piece of paper It was as if everything was a

dream, I just stood there and stared at her, too stunned to react Suddenly that female student

raised her head and saw me

(!)

When our eyes met, my heart skipped a beat

The female student blushes furiously and said shyly,

“You saw that…”

“That, that…sorry!”

“What‟s your name? What class are you in?”

“Konoha Inoue First year 3rd class”

Then the girl started laughing Suddenly her expression switched frohter to innocence

“So you are a first year student! Then please join the Literature Club”

“What? Literature… club?”

I openedFrench braids/fair skin/black and clear

pupils/tearing pages out of books/paper eating girl She continued,

“I can‟t let you leak my secret, so I must make you stay by my side so that I can monitor you

From today on, you are a member of the Literature club”

“What???? Wait-wait a second- I, the club You asked me to join the club, but who are you?”

“I am Tooko Amano froirl‟”

That was hoe met

After we met, for the entire month, whenever school ended, Tooko Senpai would come to my

classroom and look for me

“Konoha, it‟s club activity time”

She, as if she was a class leader taking care of her fellow class to come to

school, dragged my hands and took me to the Literature club room located at 3rd floor west

corner

When we got to the club rooenkoo yoshi+ and said,

“Have you ever heard of where the writing exercise „3 topics 1 story‟ came from? The one where

a wise man would iive hiive you 3

words, and you will have to write so these 3 words as topics It doesn‟t matter

whether it‟s a poe Uhnnn… then let‟s go

with, „snow‟, „Maccha sabure‟[TL note: „Green tea favour cake‟], „Arinkokororin‟ You have 50

minutes to complete So, start now!”

“What is Arinkokororin?!”

“Hey, start writing, or I will jinx you”

Just like that, I started to write stories everyday

“I eat stories as if they are bread or rice Usually I eat books, but what I really like to eat are

articles that are handwritten onto papers Love stories are sweet and tasty, so I prefer it even

more than others That‟s why you have to write some su~~~~~~~~~~per sweet stories!”

Habit can be a scary thing It didn‟t take long before I could write her stories without resistant

Mostly that‟s because she would always criticize ht in front of me with „Hmmm…

it‟s justa certain taste‟ or „Mooo… the structure is too lax‟, and at the same time eat

everything I wrote into her sto her like this, I couldn't help but relent

Before I realized it, I was already going to the club room whenever school ended, without

needing Tooko Senpai coet me

“Onii chan, you seeood happen at school?”

“No-nothing in particular Normal”

I spend ether- can this really be described as

norers in my heart, but very incredibly, whenever I stayed in

the classroom, with its sunset-illu in it, I would feel at

ease Sometimes when I couldn‟t stand Tooko senpai‟s words or actions and retorted her, this too

made me feel happy Only in front of Tooko Senpai did I not need to force myself to smile

Day after day, I returned to the Literature Club

“Good day, Konoha kun”

“I ary~~~, Konoha kun”

“Wah, today‟s paper is so sweet and delicious~~~ Konoha kun you are a!”

“Gosh Konoha kun! You don‟t respect your Senpai at all!”

“Don‟t call irl‟”

Day after day I would chat with Tooko Senpai; I would write snacks for her Looking at Tooko

senpai‟s s about Miu all the time

That‟s why I will be punished

Sorry, Miu, I am sorry

I have not forgotten you It‟s just that the flashbacks are very painful

The stories that you wrote, each of them was very warm and sweet They, like stars, winkle at

those who read thely bright that I fell

for you

But hy did you on that day, throw yourself down the roof? I still don‟t knohy you did

that

I can‟t write anymore

Because they are all fake Because I am merely a shell

The author Miu Inoue exists no more

He can never write again He can‟t write, nor does he want to write

When I openedmy hands

The white ceiling

The white walls

The bed sheets that smelled like medicine

“Is this… the hospital?”

“Nope It‟s the infirmary”

Tooko Senpai answered

“Konoha kun fainted on the roof Manabe san carried you down to the infirmary I actually

wanted to carry you, but when I tried to lift your shoulders, I lost my balance and fell onto the

floor I specialize in arts, you see, I can‟t do physical ell…”

Tooko Senpai was sitting on a chair next to the bed, and was gently holding my hands

Between the curtains, an orange ray of light shone through the gap

“I… how long was I unconscious for?”

“About 2 hours You sweated a lot… as if you had a nightmare”

You heldthe entire time, didn‟t you?

“What about Soeda san and the rest?”

“Soeda san and Rihoko san went hoether I think their love and hatred for Shuuji Senpai

will continue for the rest of their lives…they decided to punish theether”

Soeda san cried and lamented that this was like hell

Those two people, they will reht?

Tooko Senpai gently caressed the back of

me

“Manabe san and Chia chan went home as well Chia chan… Konoha, she wanted me to tell you

„sorry for dragging you into this‟”

“The reason why Takeda san took me to the Archery club was to let the alumni see me I look

the saet close to me”

“Probably…”

Tooko Senpai dispiritedly said

A hot stream rushed up from my chest My throat started to shake

Takeda san was using me

All the letters I wrote, they were all garbage

Takeda san, Soeda san, Rihoko san, Shuuji Senpai- everyone was lying

They hid the truth

If that‟s the case, then they should have held in the truth until the end Why do they tell the truth

nohen things are already at this state?

The cruel reality stabbed me fiercely

Thanks to this, my heart, which I have wrapped around under layers of protection to prevent it

froain, became nakedly exposed Sorrow, pain, pity, remorse, all these emotion

assault me at the same time

To such a mix of different emotions, I do not kno to deal with them I am already

powerless My throat hurts, my whole body is hot, and the inside of my body feels as if it

suffered from burns, they are especially painfulI

pulled my hands away fro face

If I don‟t do it, she will seeface

“I can‟t stand this… Don‟t show me any more of the darkness and dirt of reality I only want to

be a normal person and live a normal live I don‟t want to experience chaos, adventures, or

detective dramas No more pain, sorrow or bitterness

But why? Even though everyone understands both sides will get hurt, they still reveal the secrets

in their hearts to others? Do they really want to say them that much? Do they really need to be

exposed so nakedly? Do they really want others to be enveloped by emotions like sorrow, pain,

and hatred? Do they seek murder? Do they seek death?

What Shuuji Senpai felt, what Rihoko san felt, what Soeda san felt, what Takeda san felt, I don‟t

understand anything

Everyone- is not normal They are too weird I hate Daiza”

The tears slide down my face My shi+rt collars, years, and the bed sheets etted with my

tears

My neck became cold

I don‟t understand

I don‟t understand anything

Shuuji Senpai and Miu both didn‟t want to live They both choose to throw themselves off a

building

“Hiku… Why does cruel things like this happen over and over again… Which one is abnormal,

which one is normal?hiku…I, I don‟t understand anymore, Tooko Senpai”

In the disinfectant smell- filled room, I sobbed

Tooko Senpai didn‟t say any consolation

She only sadly said,

“You must find the answer for that yourself Even if it‟s painful… even if it‟s grievous… even if

it‟s bitter… you must use your own feet to find the answer”

“Then…hiku, it doesn‟t matter if I don‟t know the answer… I can live on even if I don‟t know

the answer…”

When I said this, what sort of expression did Tooko Senpai have?

I was too naive to ask Tooko Senpai, as a normal human like me

Tooko Senpai is not a fortune teller, nor is she a councillor or a psychiatrist

Even if she is a monster s stories written on pieces of papers, in every other aspect,

she is sah school student She is just a Literature Girl

Tooko Senpai didn‟t say anything

The sun finally set In the dark and cold infirmary, she quietly stayed by my side until I stopped

crying