115 114. Snow.txt (1/2)

The scene reminded him of a burned out candle.

So much so that I couldn't feel any energy from Snow now.

Slowly, Snow moved her head and looked at me.

''Kanami......''

The white bandages wrapped around his entire body are prominent.

Looking at his status, I can see that there is no trauma. However, something other than the trauma remains in Snow's body and is eating away at it. The 'Status' only said 'Dragonization'.

''That bandage: ......''

...... Lady Rustyala got me.

Me too. You're with me.

'I didn't look at ...... but I heard about it (・・・・). It was a mess for both of us.

Snow speaks languidly.

The persistence that was there yesterday is gone.

Maybe he gave up everything again in the wake of the loss against Rastiara.

It was a little unexpected.

Even though Snow was quick to give up, it felt unnatural that that uncommon obsession had disappeared so easily.

As I was rethinking how to start a conversation, sensing the difference between the plan and the schedule, Snow pointed to my arm.

'There's no ...... 'bangles'

I'm referring to the place where the ”bracelet” was.

Then, with a wry smile, he confirms.

'...... isn't that my Kanami already?'

Yeah.

...... me and Kanami's world is broken?

Yeah.

.......

Snow turned her face down and spoke in a matter-of-fact manner.

His appearance was close to the first time I met her - when I was doing the Academy's assignment in the labyrinth.

I'm sure she's returning to the Snow of one day, but this time she's too apathetic.

Snow takes an odd pause before speaking, and speaks really slowly.

...... I heard from someone who told me that Kanami declared herself my fiancé in her match with Elmirad Siddharth. ...... that I even got into a duel and backed that guy out.

Yeah, I remember. That's right.

...... that means you're going to marry me--

'I'm sorry. I just didn't want to admit that I didn't want to admit to Elmiraad, and I didn't do it to marry Snow.

'...... Yeah, right. ...... ehehe, I knew it (・・・・・).

Snow smiled thinly.

There was a small amount of hope, but he didn't because it was hard to hope, so he didn't.

It's such a powerless smile.

'Thank you, though, ....... I think I've extended my reprieve a bit.

Snow said ”grace”.

The way I see it, I feel like I'm giving up on everything again.

It was troubling to be strangely obsessed, but it was also troubling to be given up on everything like this.

It's similar to what happened at the ball. As usual, there are a lot of ups and downs.

'...... So will Kanami stop being an 'Epic Seeker'?　Leaving Lauravia?

There's no reason for me to be here anymore. I'll be out of the country one of these days.

...... Yeah.

Sadly, but rightfully so, Snow accepted.

And said nothing.

The only sound is the quiet breeze that shakes the curtains, filling the room.

I cut to the chase.

'So, what are you going to do about Snow: ......

'I give up ...... (...) I don't want to do anything else. I was the one who should have given up .......

He knew Snow would be asked, too.

Without hesitation, he answered immediately that he would give up everything.

'The whole ...... thing was an unworthy dream. ...... I was doing something stupid again.

He blamed himself endlessly and finally apologized to me, saying he was sorry.

I couldn't look at him in a different way than I did before.

'You're giving up again?'

...... I can't go any further. I have no idea how to make it work. I'm scared because I don't know. I don't care about ...... anymore. I don't care.

The more she speaks, the more empty Snow's eyes become.

Before she loses all her power, I hastily reply.

'I think that the great aristocracy of House ...... Walker itself is the cause of Snow's suffering. Now that I've recovered my memory, I can finally say it for sure. I can say with confidence that--

It was a long way off.

I should have had the answer from the beginning, but I was so far behind.

But now I'm going to tell you that.

”-- Snow shouldn't be in the Walker household.

But my best answer to that is.

I can't go to .......

He slipped through.

Snow shook his head without hesitation.

'...... because it already failed to do so.'

Did you miss it?

'...... I lost a lot of people I cared about because I got serious and ran away a long time ago. Because of me.

It's a story from Snow's past.

We finally hear from its mouth why Snow has become so apathetic.

'...... I survive because I'm strong, but everyone else isn't. They're all dead.

He speaks of death as if it were someone else's business in a casual manner.

Surely if she really talks about it, she will not be able to bear the weight of it.

So she speaks as she runs away.

...... The Walker family has no intention of letting me go. If I escape, they will use any outrageous means to bring me back. ...... The memory of that moment still sticks with me and never leaves me.

So ......

So I guess that's why Snow kept looking for ways to live with the Walker family.

As a result, he chose to put the entire Walker family on his son-in-law.

...... The thought of running away makes me cower. ...... I'll have to live with the Walkers. ...... Then Palinkulon let me meet Kanami, who had no memory of her. I knew I could be tricked by Palinclone if I was with Kanami. I thought that with Kanami, I could make it here. ...... Yes, I thought so: ....... In the end, though, it didn't work out. Ehehe ......

Seeing that sad smile makes me sad too.

Snow has given up on 'me (Kanami)'.

That's why he speaks so unguardedly about his inner feelings.

Maybe it's because I prolonged my grace by declaring myself a fiancée at the 'Dancing Tournament', or maybe it's because I lost to Rastiara - I don't know what the reason is.

But whichever reason is the reason, my answer is the same.

'Snow. Let's run away again.

Again, ......?

'I know it's traumatic. But let's run away one more time. This time it will be with me and Rustyala and the others--

Does that mean 'Kanami' is going to take me?

Snow said the same thing he had said at the ball sometime ago, with a blank expression on his face.

Back then, Snow had serious expectations. But now Snow is not expecting that much. He's waiting for me to say no. He's waiting for me to say no. It's a good thing that you're able to do that.

Slowly, I shake my head.

Such a convenient 'hero' is nowhere to be found. That's the only thing I agree with when I had no memory.

'No. It's not me, it's Snow's decision to run away. If this is Snow's choice, I will do my best to help her.

...... your own decision?　...... Why?

Otherwise, it would be a one-sided relationship. I don't want that, I want to be on equal footing with Snow. If we're not equals, I'll get it wrong again. Also--

I remember.

That once, I rescued Mary unilaterally and helped her unilaterally, and that it did no one any good.

On the contrary, it caused a lot of misery.

The scene flashes back to my brain.

The end of the Nativity - that 'purgatory' - and the loss of so many things in the flames of the burning fire - so that it must never be repeated. My cells scream and my body shakes.

...... Kanami is the one who's acting weird. ...... I knew Kanami was just like me. She's traumatized by the fiasco. Kanami, too (・・・・), is stuck in there.

Seeing me trembling, Snow laughed and extended her hand to me.

Her hand is trembling as well as mine.

'...... Kanami would understand, wouldn't you?　The memory of that failure will probably stick with me until I die. Whenever I do anything, the memory flickers in my mind. Whenever I encounter a similar situation, I can't move my body.

Snow has asked for understanding.

He thinks that we can understand each other, having made mistakes that made us want to die.

But I can't accept that for me.

'No (...) ......!　This isn't a trauma. Snow, it's just a matter of perspective. You can't just cower in fear and cower away, regretting your past mistakes. We can learn from our mistakes and try not to repeat them!　So, hooray, all Snow has to do this time is get out of House Walker without letting anyone die!

...... No, you can't do that. I made three mistakes, remember?　I'm sure you'll fail again next time. ...... Why don't you understand?

Snow put his outstretched hand back and hugged his shoulder.

'Everyone back home, the seniors in Epic Seeker, the people who ran away with me, they're all dead!　It's my fault!

Just as I am remembering The Scenes of Purgatory Someday, I guess Snow is remembering The Scenes of Hell Someday.

I'm shaking, frightened and cowering, so I'm ...... giving up everything.

I understood that feeling a little bit as my memory returned.

'I don't want to just let someone die because of me again....... I don't want to be the only one left ....... I'd rather stay here than take on such a heavy responsibility......

...... If Snow thinks someone doesn't want to die, I promise that I'm the only one who won't.

...... There are no absolutes in this world. There is no such thing as a never-dead person. That promise means nothing!

'Maybe so. But that doesn't mean you should give up: ......!　Are you going to pretend to be something you're not and continue to live here forever?　Snow......!

...... it's--

I didn't give up.

I got my memories back because I didn't want to live in a fake world.

Even though I knew it would take me away from happiness.

”Don't make a mistake, Snow, don't do yourself a favor.

In the end, that was all I had to say.

I may have lost my memory, but I remembered this one thing.

The will of the Reaper was also conveyed to me.

With that in mind, I answer for the Snow.

”-- What Snow really wants is to get away from House Walker.

Hearing this, Snow's face contorts.

It's probably a wish she's been trying to avoid thinking about for a long time.

Being reminded of it unceremoniously, she becomes enraged.

'...... I know that!　I have to tell you!　I want to get out of here!

He clenched his fists in anger and shouted.

'--I don't want to be here (...)!

Snow, who had given up on everything, is lit up.