Chapter 206 (2/2)
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd turned to the call and brought it back. ”Are you there, Captain Half-Feather?” Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd asked.
”Of course, sir, we at Lonestar Security are here to meet your every need,” the Terran answered.
”I, of course, will need minions. I will need one to help me determine which Terran historical and cultural landmarks I should examine in order to be able to properly determine how to defeat your star nation and species,” Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said.
”Of course, sir. I'll make sure you get a full complement of highly trained minions. Do you have any species preferences?” the agent asked.
”Oh, I would like a Digital Sentience computer hacker. Are any available for hire?” Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd asked, rubbing his hands together.
”Of course, sir. We'll have someone come by and finalize everyone,” the agent said. ”Thank you for choosing Lonestar Security LLC for your personal and property security needs.”
”No, thank you, Terran,” Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said, and cut the link.
He rubbed his hands together again. It was all coming together. A secret base to perform his espionage form. He'd have personal security, and a really big exciting looking wasteful personal vehicle covered in weaponry. He was so excited he drew one of his pistols, gave the traditional Terran warning that he was going fire it by yelling ”YEE-HAW!” as loud as he could, then firing the pistol three times into the air.
A few other Terrans joined him, giving out the same yell and firing their slug-throwers into the air.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd felt proud of himself for how well he was fitting in.
”Back to the Penthouse Lair, VI,” Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said. He paused. ”Oh, I should name you. How about... um... Heinrich! That sounds properly espionage-like.”
The VI made an odd noise. ”Sure, boss. Heinrich it is. Is this acceptable?” the VI began using a thick accent that Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd found particularly pleasing.
”Yes, Heinrich, perfect,” Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said and rubbed his hands together again.
Terran space was so exciting!
The Terran at the desk let Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd know that the jewelry vendor was waiting for him. That made Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd tremble with glee. He couldn't wait to order his secret agent watches, cufflinks, lapel pin, and of course, shoes.
He was so excited he kept shuffling around in the elevator as he rode up to the Penthouse. An actual volcano lair! The other spies were going to be so jealous. He'd make sure to take image-shots of himself standing in front of the lava.
Oh, he'd need to capture someone so he could menace them and put them in a death-trap that they could then escape during an exciting battle with Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd's minions.
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd couldn't wait to stand on his balcony, shake his fist, and yell out ”NEXT TIME, GADGET!”
The Terran jewelry vendor was a short Terran with black hair and strange eyes. Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd greeted him and escorted him inside.
”We have a wide variety of expensive and luxurious men's jewelry, gentlebeing,” the vendor, a Mr. Lee, said, setting down a datacube.
”I have a few requirements up front,” Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said.
”Oh? Please, explain,” Mr. Lee said.
”I will need a pair of cufflinks that explode when put together and put at the corner of a door. A watch with a laser capable of cutting durasteel cuffs. Another watch with a sonic device that repels giant carnivorous fish, since apparently they are a danger to beings in my line work,” Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said.
Mr. Lee raised an eyebrow. ”Might I inquire what line of work you are engaged in?”
”Import and exports and antiquities,” Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said. He then leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially. ”I am also a spy.”
Mr. Lee displayed no surprise, nor any other real emotion, just nodded slowly. ”Of course you are, sir.”
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd rubbed all four hands together. ”I will also need a watch that delivers an EMP burst, another watch that will hack computers, and lapel pin with a high definition X-ray camera to read the other side of playing cards, a belt buckle that shoots lasers, and shoes with hidden knives in them.”
Mr. Lee looked down. ”Um. That's going to be difficult,” he thought for a second. ”How about shoes with graviton assist that let you climb up walls, run across water, and leave behind different kinds of footprints?”
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd thought for a moment. Yes, those could be useful. He imagined himself dressed in all black with a cape and a hood with pointed ears, climbing up the outside of a building with a rope.
”I will also need a grappling hook gun. Perhaps hidden somehow?” he said. ”Oh, and one of the hoof shoes should have a hidden comlink inside.”
Mr. Lee nodded. ”Of course, sir. Now, if you press your hand here, I can run a credit check.”
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd did so, trembling with excitement as he signaled the bartender VI to bring Mr. Lee and himself a drink.
Mr. Lee looked down at the dataslate.
CONFEDINTEL - VERIFIED UNLIMITED SECURED CREDIT LINE (FOREIGN)
Mr. Lee looked back up. ”Well, you'll of course want to open a line of store credit. We're currently offering a special with only 45% APR.”
Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd bobbed up and down slightly. That was far less than his credit line back home. ”Why, that is most generous, Mr. Lee.”
”My cousin produces fine quality hand tailored suits, Mr...”
”Ya'ahrd, Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd,” the Lanaktallan said, feeling pleasure at being able to use that line as he sipped his shaken not stirred martini.
”Of course it is, sir,” Mr. Lee said, his face expressionless. Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd marvelled at the way the Terran was able to avoid showing any emotion on his face. He put a note in his datalink to practice such an amazing ability.
”If you would like, I can have my cousin come by this evening, make sure your clothing showcases your proper employment?” Mr. Lee suggested.
”Excellent. Thank you, Mr. Lee,” Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd said. ”How long till my jewelry is ready?”
”Oh, how does tomorrow sound,” Mr. Lee said.
”Wonderful.” Ba'ahn Ya'ahrd imagined himself cutting open a bank vault door and galloping away with the secrets to the Confederacy before activating his jetpack and swooping off in the sky with a big bag of money over his shoulder.
Mr. Lee left while his customer was obviously daydreaming. The strange looking creature was rich enough that he wasn't crazy, just merely eccentric.
But his money spent.
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CONFEDINTEL
BWAH AHA AHAHAHAHAHHA!
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TREANA'AD HIVE WORLDS
What?
---NOTHING FOLLOWS---
CONFEDINTEL
This has got to be the funniest thing ever. I'll show you guys later.
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