Chapter 143 - My SI Stash #43 - Metallovers Self-Insert Adventure Book 1 - The Insertening by metallover (Fire Emblem) (1/2)

-This SI Fire Emblem: Awakening fic's quite a lot of fun~ I really liked these bits of seriousness that sometimes shows up; they give this fic a grounded feeling that enhances the overall believability of such an outlandish concept as a ”Self-Insert” story.

*Nerd(without any cheats) SI in the FE game! Lots of zany comedy~ The sequel to this fic has already been completed too, check it out next!

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Sypnosis: AU. SI. Ever wonder what happens when an aggressive, foul-mouthed, broke-ass geek gets transported into his favorite Fire Emblem game? Yeah, I'll bet you do. A light, humorous self-insert crack re-telling of Awakening starring me, the author of Invisible Ties. Warnings for swearing, violence, s_e_x_u_a_l content and bad pop-culture references. And why the cat? I don't know either.

Rated: M

Words: 93K

Posted on: m.fanfiction.net/s/11403992/1/Metallover-s-Self-Insert-Adventure-Book-1-The-Insertening (metallover)

PS: If you're not able to copy/paste the link, you have everything in here to find it, by simply searching the author and the story title. It sucks that you can't copy links on mobile (´ー｀)

-I'll be putting the chapter ones of all the fanfics mentioned, to give you guys a sample if you wan't more please do go to the website and support the author! (And maybe even convince them to start uploading chapters in here as well!)

Chapter 1

Author's Note:

I can't believe I'm actually uploading this…

There's not much to say about this story. It's a Self-Insert crack retelling of Awakening, because I can.

This story was inspired by a self-insert fic called Asleep. Now, usually I hate self-inserts, but I actually quite enjoyed that one. Until *spoiler deleted* died, anyway; that pissed me off. I kept reading it, though. Usually, I find self-insert stories to be a bit ridiculous, but after reading such an incredibly ambitious story (written from the second person perspective, no less (which, let me tell you, is not easy)) I figured 'what the hell' and decided I'd experiment a little with a self-insert of my own. And it's just as ridiculous as I expected. I did this for fun, but I did this without my usual eye for detail, so it's a little rough around the edges. This kinda wound up being an exercise to break my perpetual writers-block in the end, too, but I finally feel like it's at a place where I can start to upload it (if for no other reason than to get some cheap laughs).

I give you all fair warning, again; I swear an inordinate amount IRL, so that's going to be conveyed here (it comes from a life of being around tradesmen). I've also stylized my personality a little, specifically the more douchey and aggressive traits, for the sake of comedy. This SI character is actually closer to the 20-year old Ben than the current Ben. I'm actually kind of an awkward nice guy now, I swear.

So, without further ado, please enjoy my experiment. Nagaspeed, my dear readers!

Part the First, or ”Hello fan-boy fantasy!”

With a loud groan I let my head fall forward onto the bar, giving me a perfect side-on view of the condensation rolling down the side of my glass. The ice-cold amber liquid within was doing nothing to improve my mood, despite the fact that it was my third such glass in the last twenty minutes. I was sitting in one of the cheaper bars in town at the end of the day, magically turning my fuel money into beer with the help of the not-so-enthusiastic drinking partner I had roped into joining me so I didn't feel quite so pathetic.

I'd been fired. Again. For the fourth time in six months.

”C'mon, it's not that bad,” the tall, skinny man next to me said reassuringly. ”Something'll come up eventually.”

I glanced up at my friend Ash, blatantly ignoring the condescending tone in his voice. Or trying to, anyway. He was a few years older than me, but we had been friends ever since I had started working at the same supermarket as him and he'd wound up training me on my first day. Turns out we both like the same music, anime and games so we'd hit it off right away.

”I needed that job, man,” I g_r_o_a_n_e_d, sitting back up. ””Late to work too many times' my hairy Canadian ass… My bank's threatening to sell my credit account to a collection agency… and not one of those 'let's work out a repayment plan' agencies, a 'we're going to break your f_u_c_k_i_n_g legs if you don't pay up now' agency.”

”Well, you're the idiot that went and bought the stupid 3DS, not me,” Ash shrugged.

”My old one broke, though,” I m_o_a_n_e_d piteously. ”Half-way through another Lunatic-Plus playthrough, too. Thank god for SD cards…”

”You really like that game, don't you?” Ash asked, draining his glass and signalling the bartender for another.

I drained my own glass, too, holding it out for another refill.

”I f_u_c_kin' love Fire Emblem, man,” I admitted. ”Ever since I was a kid.”

”It wasn't that great a game,” Ash said, rolling his eyes. ”I'm still slogging my way through Mass Effect again.”

”Tali again?” I asked, quirking a brow.

”No way,” Ash said, perking up somewhat as our fresh beers were delivered. ”I finally got the Lair of the Shadow Broker DLC, so I can do a three-game Liara playthrough!”

I grinned and shook my head. This was why I spent time with Ash; he had a way of taking my mind off of the bad shit, even if it was only for a little while.

”Well,” I said, raising my beer. ”Here's to s_e_xy blue alien girls, then!”

”Urgh. What the… f_u_c_k?” I g_r_o_a_n_e_d weakly. ”Where am I- oh god too bright…”

I lifted my hands up, covering my face from the harsh glare before slowly sitting up.

Running a hand over the short stubble on the top of my bald head I blinked my eyes clear, running that same hand vigorously down my face and over my short, scruffy beard to try and wake myself up a little more.

I found myself sitting in a forest. A nice forest, the kind of bright and cheery fairy-tale forest you see in Disney movies, not the dry and dusty bushland I was used to. This forest looked like the kind of shit you see in nature doc_u_mentaries about bears and salmon on the Discovery Channel, the ones based in North America; which, coincidentally, was a long way from Australia. However, this knowledge did little to explain the fact that I was sitting in a f_u_c_k_i_n_g forest with no memory of how I got there.

”How in the name of… why the f_u_c_k am I in a forest!? Again!? Where the hell am I!? Dammit, Ash! What the f_u_c_k, man!? This isn't funny! It wasn't funny the last time you did it and… Oh god…”

I swayed, trying not to puke.

The last thing I remembered at the time was drinking with Ash after being fired from yet another job again last night. We had gotten f_u_c_k_e_d-up, sure, but…

I found myself thinking that perhaps someone had spiked my drink?

Giving an involuntary shiver as I stood I clutched at my stomach, feeling it rebel at the motion before dry-heaving a little.

”Ugh… I am so hung-over…”

Seriously, though, who in their right mind would spike the drink of a short, hairy, bearded dude with no money and a car almost out of gas?

I found myself reasoning that, at the very least, it appeared to be late spring wherever I was, so I wasn't liable to freeze to death. My jeans and favourite DevilDriver t-shirt would suffice for now, but if it got colder at night I'd need a jacket or a coat.

Or, ideally, I could find my car and get far the hell away from here.

Wherever here was.

Where… was my car, anyway?

As I shambled through the trees doing my best not to chuckle at the real-life 'Dude, Where's my Car' references I could be making, I decided to do the thing I should have done first and check my phone for signal. Only to find all of my pockets completely empty.

”Oh for f_u_c_k's sake…” I g_r_o_a_n_e_d, leaning against a tree and looking around. ”Figures. Did I get mugged again or something? Ah, f_u_c_k I hope Ash has my keys…”

I gave myself a quick once-over, checking for bruises, contusions or anything else that might point to me being accosted; in the end I didn't even find a measly stab wound. Deciding to just find a road and hitchhike to the nearest payphone (I'm sure one still existed somewhere in the world), I set off again. No way in hell was I crawling through scrub just to find a crappy twenty-dollar phone and a wallet with a maxed-out credit card and a couple of dollar coins in it while I was this hung-over. Someone had swiped my puffer, though, so if I had an asthma attack I was well and truly screwed; that pissed me off. It wasn't like those things were expensive; hell, you didn't even need a doctor's script to buy them at most places!

Why did everyone want to steal my shit all the time?

”F_u_c_k it, I got a spare at home,” I muttered, starting to move a little faster.

I shielded my eyes as I came into a field a few hours later, looking around. If this were some farmer's property back home, I'd get my a_s_s shot off. I'm sure the same went for places in the US or Canada, too. The fact that I was even thinking this made me wonder once again where, in God's name, I was. Finding no sign of a road or even a farmhouse in the distance I shrugged, deciding to just keep walking.

While muttering the 'just keep swimming' song from Finding Nemo under my breath. Because I could.

Lamenting the fact I hadn't paid more attention when I was in Scouts, I wondered how I would go about getting food. Or water. Or finding shelter.

…

…

…

Gah! This was not the landscape I was familiar with! Where was the dust? Where was the dead, dry grass? Where were the endless rows of cane farms? Where in the name of unholy hell was I?

These were the questions I asked myself as I tromped through the picturesque field, completely ignoring its simple beauty.

I grumbled, stopping to look around. It was Sunday morning. I was cold, tired and hungry. The new episodes of Fate/Stay Night and Sword Art Online were out, and I wasn't downloading them. I didn't even have my iPod to listen to as I walked. Or my 3DS, or my Vita, or… anything!

I missed technology! I was a child of the new century, dammit!

”This day is officially f_u_c_kin' balls,” I g_r_o_a_n_e_d, sighed and then continued to walk in the random direction I'd chosen, hands in my pockets.

I walked for what I assumed was another couple of minutes, sun burning down on my shaved head as I moved. I had to admit, though, it was a nice change being able to walk around outside in jeans without sweating my hairy arse off. Even if I was getting sunburn on the chrome-dome.

”Hello there, friend!” someone called out behind me.

I spun, fully aware that I was still glowering, and raised an eyebrow at what I saw.

”Oh f_u_c_k me,” I muttered, eyes going wide.

I started to laugh. I couldn't help it. I was being approached by the three best Fire Emblem cosplayers I'd ever seen. The guy in the lead was such a dead-ringer for Chrom it was uncanny; the brand on his shoulder even looked real, rather than Nikko-penned on. Lissa and Frederick were well done, too. Hell, the Frederick cosplayer was even leading a real horse around by the reins! All they were missing was Robin, and they'd have the full Prologue set!

”Sorry, sorry,” I said quickly as the two men frowned. ”Am I in the way of your photo-shoot or something? Where's the nearest road? And more importantly, how far away from town am I? Judging from the green this must be pretty far south…”

The Chrom-cosplayer stopped to look at me, tilting his head a little as the Frederick stepped past him to face me. Both men were very tall, reminding me just how short I really was. At least their Lissa cosplayer was shorter than me. And she was a total babe, too. If I were a braver man, I'd try to get her number.

She noticed me looking at her and gave a shy little smile that made my blood pump faster, hang-over or no hang-over.

Their Frederick cleared his throat, reminding me he was right in front of me. The way he was looking at me, I'd obviously just been checking out his girlfriend. Whatever, though; looking wasn't illegal.

”Sorry,” I repeated. ”I'm really lost. Have any of you got a phone on you or something?”

”A what?” their Chrom asked, a perplexed look crossing his face.

I had to give the guy props for staying in character. But, really, I hated those kinds of cosplayers. With a fiery, burning passion, I hated them so. No lie, they were the reason I never went to conventions. And wasn't allowed in Disney Land anymore. It's a… long story. One for elsewhere.

”Whatever,” I said, running a hand over my bald head again. ”What way's the nearest 'town' then?”

”I don't believe I like your tone, sir,” the Frederick said icily.

”Wow, f_u_c_k off bro,” I snapped, glaring up at the mountain of a man. ”What part of 'lost' did you not get?”

…

What?

I was hung-over and lost, and here were these three dill-holes in cosplay giving me shit? Nuh-uh. F_u_c_k this douche-bag.

He raised an eyebrow at my outburst, but whatever beat-down I was about to get was mercifully postponed by the Chrom-player putting his hand on the guy's shoulder. Yeah, they were both head-and-shoulders taller than me. Bastards.

”If this poor man is lost, the least we can do is bring him to Southtown with us,” the Chrom-cosplayer said.

”Thanks,” I said, leaning around the man in seriously convincing armour to address the Chrom guy.

In fact, I reflected, they all had crazy-good costumes. Like, real metal and everything. Frederick's suit of armour alone must have cost a fortune, not to mention weighing as much as my car.

”But, uh, if you're doing a shoot or something just point me in the right direction,” I said. ”I don't want to interrupt.”

The Chrom cosplayer chuckled, stepping around the Frederick cosplayer.

”You use strange words, friend, and I do not understand them,” he said, clapping me on the shoulder. ”But we are heading into town, anyway. We will show you the way.”

”Great,” I said, feeling a little more excited as I stuck out my hand. ”I'm Ben.”

The guy looked at my hand for a moment before smiling and shaking my hand.

”I am Chrom,” he said in that infuriatingly 'I'm so into my character' way that some cosplayers got.

”I'm Lissa!” the girl piped up, appearing at the guy's side and sticking out her hand.

I shrugged, taking it and pumping it a few times.

”A p_l_e_a_s_u_r_e,” I said, looking to the last of the three. ”Let me guess… your name is Frederick, Knight of Ylisse, right?”

The big man's frown turned into a full-blown scowl as I grinned up at him. It was impossible to miss the way his hand dropped to the axe strapped to his belt and…

And my eyes widened as I realised it was a real f_u_c_k_i_n_g axe.

”Sheesh, you guys are legit,” I said, rubbing the back of my head. ”A real horse and real weapons? I gotta say, your budget impresses me. Is this like a promo shoot for Nintendo or something? … Need an extra? I can totally play a bandit or villager or something if you need another body.”

”Cease your blathering and tell me how you knew my name,” the Frederick guy asked, his axe suddenly pointed at my face.

”Dude, what the f_u_c_k?” I asked, slapping the weapon aside.

There was a dull sound as my open palm met the steel axe; from the weight I could tell it was most definitely real. I looked over my shoulder to where Chrom was eyeing me suspiciously, his hand resting on the broadsword strapped to his own belt. I felt cold realisation settling in the pit of my stomach as I looked back at the now-furious Frederick cosplayer.

Only… these weren't cosplayers. Those weren't fake weapons; that axe had been heavy, too heavy to be a prop. That armour didn't just look real, either. These were either actors or…

”Oh f_u_c_k me… I'm too hung-over for this shit…” I cursed, stepping back and pinching the bridge of my nose.

No way, I thought to myself. There was no way in hell I was in a f_u_c_k_i_n_g video game. No way-

My thoughts turned blank as I realised I was flying through the air. I hit the ground, hard, and found myself with a mouthful of grass.

”You will answer my question!” Frederick, the real Frederick, boomed.

”Argh, f_u_c_k you, get the hell offa me!” I shouted back, squirming. ”I don't even know where the f_u_c_k I am! I was out drinking last night, and I wake up in this f_u_c_k_i_n_g forest with all my shit gone, now I'm getting my a_s_s kicked!? F_u_c_k off! Lemme up so I can kick your ass!”

I watched the man on top of me blink in astonishment at my outburst for a moment out of the corner of my eye before Chrom pulled him off of me. I climbed back to my feet, still cursing like a sailor while I rolled out my neck and tried not to puke as adrenaline flooded my body, warring with my hangover. I stepped back, adopting a boxer's pose; I'd taken karate classes as a kid, sparred with my dad and brothers occasionally, and even worked as a bouncer for a brief stint, so I knew how to fight at the least…

I was probably about to get a major smack-down, but my shrink did say something about 'aggression issues'…

”That's enough!” Chrom said, interposing himself between us before I could do something stupid.

Like punching a guy in full armour holding an actual f_u_c_k_i_n_g axe with my n_a_k_e_d fist.

”Just tell me where the nearest road is, for f_u_c_k's sake!” I shouted, losing my cool completely.

”You will not speak to milord in such an irreverent fashion!” Frederick demanded, stepping forward again.

”Suck a gallon of d_i_c_ks, d_i_c_k-hole!” I roared. ”I don't need this!”

Chrom threw out an arm to stop Frederick's approach, giving me a funny look.

”If you walk that way you will find Southtown before the end of the day,” Chrom said patiently, pointing a little to the right of the direction I'd been travelling.

”Thank you,” I said exasperatedly before I started walking again.

No way, I thought. No f_u_c_k_i_n_g way was I in a video game. This wasn't the Legend of Neil. I hated self-insert fics. I was being punked or some other such shit. I was still waiting for Ashton Kutcher or someone to jump out at me and tell me I was on camera as I heard Lissa ask possibly the funniest thing I'd heard in months behind me, on par with the 'f_u_c_k-ass' line from the start of Donnie Darko.

”Brother, what… what does 'f_u_c_k' mean?” she asked, her curious voice totally innocent.

”No,” I said an hour later as I walked into the town.

”No f_u_c_k_i_n_g… I don't… I… no. Just… no.”

It was like a renaissance fair or something. You know, like those theme villages about gold miners and things that you get out in the sticks sometimes? Like that, but much, much more convincing.

I honestly spent another hour walking around the perimeter of the village, looking for the parking lot and finding nothing but more wilderness, some farmland and more village.

”I am seriously getting fed up with this shit…” I growled, refusing to make eye contact with anyone as I walked slowly through the village.

I was getting funny looks, but then again I was walking around with 'I love the killing' printed on the back of my shirt in big orange letters. And everyone here was in cosplay, too, so I really stuck out. Period costumes; farming tools lying around everywhere; poor villagers and all kinds of other shit; a few town guards in light quilted armour, giving me the stink eye as the rushed past me, obviously with more… important…

Oh shit, I thought, realising that, if I had indeed been s_u_c_k_e_d into a video game, that this town was about to literally go up in flames in a big way.

As soon as I thought that, right on cue, the screaming started. I could smell smoke and hear laughter from around the corner, and sure enough the villagers scattered.

”Crap-f_u_c_k,” I breathed, realising I was standing alone on the street now. ”Crap-f_u_c_k, crap-f_u_c_k-crap-f_u_c_k-crap-f_u_c_k-cr-”

Two shirtless dudes, a lot less muscular than the bandits in Fire Emblem are usually presented, darted around the corner, swinging axes and whooping loudly as they terrorized the villagers. Both men came to a stop when they saw me, grinning madly.

My gaze darted around, looking for a weapon or…

”Okay, guys,” I said, holding my hands up and trying to appear as unthreatening as possible as I slowly backed away. ”I don't know what the hell's going on here, but I don't want any part of it. So… let's just pretend we never saw each other, m'kay?”

Both men looked at each other before bursting into laughter and advancing on me again, weapons brandished. I couldn't help but scoff; both men had simple wood-cutting axes that looked so blunt they'd be more likely to bludgeon me to death than actually chop me up. Heart beating out of control in my c_h_e_s_t, I reached down to grab the rake sitting in the dirt next to the house we were outside of, and both men started to laugh again.

”Right,” I said, twirling it the way I was taught as a kid and snapping it into place beneath my right armpit. ”Last chance. Walk away or crawl away. Your choice.”

Squealing internally at my bad-assery I waited to see if my feint would work. If these guys were actors like I was fervently praying that they were they'd back down now and give me shit for ruining their performance. Unfortunately, it appeared that they, too, were really into their roles as they rushed me at the same time.

So, apparently it was time to put my old skills to the test and try not to get dead.

One was faster than the other, so I spun the rake and smashed him with the side of the metal head, trying not to kill him. Just in case. He went down like a sack of dirt, and I found myself blocking haphazard blows from his friend on the rake's handle. Apparently the axes were a lot sharper than they looked, because after a few hits the farming implement broke, leaving me with two nearly-meter-long poles in my hands. I shrugged and began wailing on this guy with the poles, driving him to the ground before lashing out with my steel-cap boot and indenting his chin. The second guy dropped, leaving me standing alone and breathing heavily.

Too heavily, I realised, as the adrenaline gave way to asthma.

I dropped the lengths of broken rake and took deep breaths, doubling over with a hand on my c_h_e_s_t and willing myself to calm down. Fortunately the smoke was wafting in the other direction, so the air was still clear. After about a minute I had my breathing under control again; it was difficult to do, like a big fat-guy was sitting on my c_h_e_s_t, but I was still breathing, and more importantly still moving.

Which meant it was time to beat feet and get far the f_u_c_k away from this village or whatever the f_u_c_k it was. I'd just beaten two guys into the dirt. I didn't need to be questioned by local cops. I didn't even know where the Australian embassy was in this lovely little shit-bowl!

If this really was reality, and I hadn't wandered onto a film set and just beaten the shit out of two extras, then that meant that Chrom and Robin would be here any minute to save the villagers. Meaning I could get as far the f_u_c_k away as possible, guilt free, and try to figure out how to get home.

I stepped over the broken rake and on a whim grabbed one of the lame axes before turning and making to head back the way I'd come. All I had to do was turn a corner and run for the forest, get as far away as possible. There was still screaming in the distance, and…

All of my thoughts disappeared as I rounded the corner and found two more of the thugs, or bandits or whatever, looming over some kids. A teenage girl, cowering and holding two younger kids close and trying to shield them as these guys advanced on them. I didn't even want to think about what these jerk-offs were planning to do, but where I came from we left young girls alone.

F_u_c_k it, I thought. I can beat a couple more guys up before getting outta dodge. I may be a jerk and an a_s_s hole, but I don't think there's a man alive that could walk by this scene and not do something.

Plus, they only looked about as tough as the last two.

”Oi!” I shouted, getting their attention. ”Step the f_u_c_k away from the kids. Now.”

I struggled with my tongue after that, both men blinking incredulously at the weirdly dressed stranger. One of them had an axe like mine, the other was sporting a beaten-up old sword.

Hell, weapon triangle be damned, I was gunning on kicking this guy's a_s_s, too.

They both looked at each other before ignoring the kids and starting to advance towards me. I think it surprised them when I started to walk towards them at the same pace, though. I think it surprised them more, judging from the way they stopped moving, when I started to charge at them.

Both men actually tried to leap out of my way, and the one with the axe succeeded, so I found myself going after the one with the sword first. He went down as I smashed the back of the axe head in his temple, hopefully just unconscious.

I turned my attention to the other bandit, spinning on one foot…

Hot, unimaginable pain exploded in my ribs as the second bandit buried his axe in my left flank. Fortunately I had already been moving, and momentum brought me down on top of the man at the same time my vision went white. The axe came free from my c_h_e_s_t with a wave of fresh pain, and I brought my own down on the man's face. His nose shattered, and as I drew my weapon back I spun it around in my grip. His own axe missed my face by centimetres, thanks only to the fact I was unbalanced when he moved beneath me, and with a vicious snarl I drove mine into his c_h_e_s_t, just below his neck. There was a wet s_u_c_k_i_n_g sound as I pulled it free, the man going limp beneath me, and for good measure I buried the weapon in his c_h_e_s_t again as I stood.

As soon as I was up I found myself tottering backwards, falling on my arse and idly realising my favourite DevilDriver shirt was completely ruined. How I'd ever get the blood out…

Then it hit me 'holy shit, I'm bleeding here', and I started to panic again.

I realised that it didn't actually hurt that much, despite the fact I could see my freaking ribs through my shirt, which of course meant I was going into shock. Which was a very bad thing.

Someone was screaming for help, probably one of the kids I had saved.

Stupid, stupid idea, I told myself. You're used to fighting with drunken douchebags in town, not axe-wielding bandits actually trying to kill you. This is probably the end.

Eh, at least you went out looking like a total bad-ass, I consoled myself.

As my vision started to go black I felt a strange, soothing warmth in my side. The kind of warmth you get after your third straight tequila shot, but centralised in my wounded ribs rather than my c_h_e_s_t and stomach.

I blinked my vision clear to see a concerned looking Lissa leaning over me, her glowing staff hovering a few inches from my wound, which was miraculously closing.

Ah. Magic. That right there proved I was in a video game.

F_u_c_k.

No, I told myself. Compartmentalize. Deal with it later.

”Ow,” I g_r_o_a_n_e_d, sitting up when she finished.

”Are you okay?” she asked quickly. ”You… got hurt protecting the children and-”

”Stop,” I said, holding up one hand.

I had to check. I had to know.

”We can get to that in a sec. Did you just use magic to heal me? Not some sort of weird, experimental CIA-alien tech or some other shit?”

I had to compartmentalize, or I would have freaked out then and there. One thing at a time.

Lissa nodded enthusiastically, a big smile spreading across her face.

”Yeah, I'm a cleric!” Lissa beamed, showing me her staff.

I felt my pulse racing, realising that the pixelated version from my 3DS screen had nothing on the real-life Lissa.

Holy crap if she's this hot, how good is Cordelia going to look? Or Say'ri? Or even Panne?

”You were very brave,” she added, stepping back to let me stand.

I gingerly climbed to my feet, shaking the lingering stars out of my eyes. I could see the body of the man I'd killed off to one side, my appropriated axe still sticking out of his c_h_e_s_t. I didn't want to look at it dead-on, though. I didn't think my stomach could handle it. The reek of blood in the air was bad enough…

Still compartmentalizing, I turned away. It was just one more thing to freak out about later.

…

Lotta little compartments opening up in my brain, today…

Without warning I swayed and let out a cough, followed by a very asthmatic wheeze. I guess nearly dying is as good a trigger as any…

”Are you okay?” Lissa asked hurriedly, gripping me with strong, soft hands around the arm to hold me up.

”I'm fine,” I wheezed with a deep breath. ”It's just asthma. It'll… it'll pass. I just need a moment.”

”What is asthma?” Lissa asked, her brows furrowing. ”Why do you use so many strange words?”

”I'm not… from 'round here,” I said, trying to control my breathing. ”And asthma is… well, let's just say… I have weak lungs. I don't… breathe too good.”

Smoking as a teenager definitely hadn't helped any…

Lissa looked up at me (god bless her for actually being short IRL) with a concerned expression before she pulled a small glass vial out of a pouch on her belt.

”Drink a little of this vulenary and see if it helps,” she offered.

I nodded and accepted the small thing, willing to try anything at that point. As I poured some of the liquid down my throat I was amazed by how something could be both sour and spicy at the same time, nearly coughing the brackish liquid up multiple times. I tried to only drink about a third of the thing, remembering that you were supposed to get three charges out of them.

Just as I finished and handed the vial back, Chrom came out of the house and looked at me with concern evident on his features.

”Are you alright? Ben was it?” he asked, coming up to where I was standing with Lissa.

I nodded, trying to register everything going on right now. Magic was the tip-off, though. I was in Ylisse. I was honest-to-god inside of a Fire Emblem cartridge. Or, chip, considering the way that Nintendo was going these days… At least, if those weak-ass bandits were anything to go by, I was only playing on the easy setting. I mean, I'm fit enough and work out semi-regularly, but I'm no Lunatic-Plus warrior or anything.

”Yeah, I'm fine,” I said, testing the arm above where my ribs had been wounded.

”You took quite the hit, there,” Chrom said, clapping me on the shoulder again. ”But you saved those children.”

I had to resist the urge to wince or twitch. I don't actually like being touched that much, to be honest. And Chrom was clearly one of those people that just had to touch you when he spoke to you. One of those people.

”Okay, great,” I said as the Prince dropped his hand. ”What now? Where are Frederick and Robin, anyway?”

Chrom quirked his brow at me, giving me another funny look.

”Frederick is scouting the town to find the bandit's leader,” the blue-haired man said slowly. ”I… I've never met anybody named Robin, though.”

”Are they a friend of yours?” Lissa asked curiously, obviously determined not to be left out.

I shook my head.

Oh shit, I thought desperately. Please, please God don't tell me I'm Robin. I'm not smart enough to be Robin! I could hardly beat Hard Mode!

”It's not important,” I said, trying to play it off. ”Do… you guys want a hand with these bandits? Or something?”

Chrom shook his head.

”I can't ask you to do that,” he said. ”We watched you fight with these two, and… well… you're not very good. You'd just get hurt again.”

Ouch. Okay, so I've never trained with an axe before. You did miss me kick a_s_s with a bo-staff, I said in my head.

Instead of giving voice to my thoughts I shook my head, looking around.

”Trust me, I just need something I'm more familiar with,” I assured him. ”Does anyone have a spare lance or something?”

”You know how to fight with a lance?” Chrom asked incredulously.

”A staff,” I corrected him, turning and finding another stack of farm tools. ”It's been a while, but I can apparently still swing around a staff…”

I walked over to the stack, finding a suitable length hoe and snapped the head off it with a quick kick. I spun the wooden stick around like I had before, nodding before leaning it on my shoulder.

”That's… a staff where you come from?” Lissa asked curiously, eying the rough piece of wood across my shoulders.

I nodded, grinning.

”A bo-staff,” I explained. ”It's a martial-art. I can fight unarmed, too. Not… particularly well, but I've actually trained that way, so I'm better at that than using an axe or sword.”

Let's just leave out the fact I only got to a green-stripe-belt here, shall we…?

Chrom looked at me, obviously unconvinced.

”If you want to help I won't turn you away,” he said at length. ”But stay behind me and Frederick. You're not wearing armour.”

”Yeah, trust me, I noticed,” I deadpanned, gingerly rubbing at the hole in my shirt.

Chrom blinked a few times before guffawing at my lame joke, Lissa giggling quietly behind him. He drew his sword with that grin on his face.

”Stick close to us, then,” he said as he started to jog through the town.

Lissa gave me an encouraging nod, making me think that I might have to romance her on this play-through, before I reminded myself that this was most assuredly not a game. Thinking of this as a game would probably end with my untimely demise, easy mode or not.

We found Frederick not far from the town square, holding his horse by the reigns and peeking out around the corner of the building he was hiding behind. His armour was covered in blood splatters, more of the red fluid already drying on the blade of his axe. The Knight spun as we approached, shooting me a particularly dirty glare before ignoring me outright.

”What's the situation?” Chrom asked coming up beside the taller man.

”Five men with various armaments, all trying to get to the civilians holed up in the church,” Frederick explained quickly. ”Their leader seems to be among them. I say we charge while they're distracted and strike from their rear.”

”Agreed,” Chrom said, drawing the big fancy sword from his scabbard. ”We'll charge, hit them hard and-”

”Whoa-whoa-whoa, hold on a sec,” I said, stepping around Lissa. ”That's it? Charge five dudes with two and hope for the best? Where's your strategy?”

”Er… what?” Chrom asked. ”It's just… five men.”

”Which is two more than we have,” I pointed out. ”They have the element of numbers, and with…”

I trailed off, peeking around the corner and ignoring a visibly rage-trembling Frederick.

”That much space between you and them, you'll completely blow the element of surprise. And probably get hacked up into little itty-bitty pieces like I almost was. In short, you're not gonna have a good time.”

I found myself wondering if these were honestly that stupid, but judging from the impressed looks on Lissa and Chrom's faces I'd say they were. Frederick just looked like he was about to throw me out into the square as a distraction, though.

I got the feeling he didn't like me very much…

At that moment I almost committed to waiting to find out who he paired up with so I could 'romance' his daughter just to spite him.

”What would you suggest, then?” Chrom asked, distracting my crude thoughts.

I twitched a little, realising with a sinking feeling what role I was falling into.

”Uh…” I muttered, getting my head in the game.

I took another look into the square, committing the layout to memory, before moving back to Chrom.

”Frederick rides around the side, hitting them from the flank. We'll move up behind the crates and stalls in the market quietly. When Frederick charges them, we jump out and take tha bandits by surprise. Simples.”

”Not you,” I added, turning to Lissa. ”You stay where it's safe. But not too far away, in case I get chopped again.”

”Right!” Lissa said enthusiastically.

”Milord, you can't seriously…” Frederick started as Chrom went quiet, stroking his chin in thought.

”It's a good plan,” the other man nodded. ”We'll do it. Frederick, ride around and hit them from the side. We'll cover you.”

Frederick grumbled but followed Chrom's orders, climbing up into his saddle and kicking his horse into a trot. I gave him my best shit-eating grin the entire time, just to prove a point.

”Okay, let's get into position behind those crates and wait for Frederick to charge,” I suggested, ducking low and hurrying over to the closest market stall.

Chrom followed me silently while Lissa lingered at the corner of the building, clutching her staff defensively to her c_h_e_s_t. I had to admit that for a big guy Chrom could really move quietly. My boots made a soft tapping as I raced across the paved market square, but Chrom was silent as the wind.

We stopped behind cover and I leaned my head around the stall to watch the bandits. More bandits, muscled but not from a life of fighting, were trying to beat down the door to the church, their weapons bouncing ineffectively off the heavy wooden door. I watched, noticing the obvious leader's bearing; it was the same as my brother's and the guys he hung around with. Their leader, at the very least, had been military trained.

”What do you make of the one in the middle?” I whispered to Chrom.