Chapter 90 - My SI Stash #90 - Better Living Through Magic by Coeus (Pre Harry Potter) (2/2)

”You don't lack for confidence, I will give you that. Perhaps Gryffindor is for you, young man.” She commented ideally. ”But to answer your questions. A house-elf is a type of magical being that has served the wizarding world since time immemorial. They do so by binding themselves to particular wizards and witches, or notable family lines. Their purpose is performing needed tasks that are beneath the dignity of their masters.”

I nodded. ”I see. And that can be any witch or wizard?”

”I suppose. It is generally only done by those that are rich and affluent.”

I made a show of thinking about it. ”What about the elves here at Hogwarts, are they all bound to this place, even the young?”

Agnes looked a bit startled at the question and had to stop and think for a moment. ”Well, I'm not entirely sure, to be honest with you. The a_d_u_l_ts are tied to Hogwarts for sure. I'm not sure about the children.”

”Hm, interesting...” I murmured and rubbed at my chin but stopped when I felt the lack of my beard. Damn, I really missed my beard. You can't rub at your chin properly without a beard, it's just not right! No! Focus! ”Would I find these elves in the kitchens?”

Agnes gave me a sharp nod. ”Of course.”

”Cool, one more reason to head there then,” I said with a pleased smile.

”You mean to bind one of the elves to yourself then?” Agnes questioned a bit snootily.

I smiled at her brightly. ”Oh, you betcha! It seems really advantageous.”

”The headmaster will not approve of this.” She stated in return. I detected a note of disapproval in her demeanor. Not that I cared.

”Is it against the rules?” I asked with a smug smile.

Agnes's face twisted into a more severe frown the usual before she sighed. ”Not as such, no.”

”Then I don't see how it's any business of his.”

She glared at me for a few moments before she slumped and uttered a tired little sigh before looking at me again. ”You are a cheeky irreverent little brat, aren't you?”

I shrugged my shoulders and flashed her a genuine little smile. ”I've been known to indulge on occasion.”

Agnes sighed again. ”You are incorrigible.”

”I'd argue that everyone is – but I'm hungry, so if you could direct me to the kitchens I'd be grateful.”

”Very well, you will find the kitchens down the stairs that are located just by the main entrance to this school, near the great hall. You will need to find a painting of a bowl of fruit and then tickle the pear in it. It will reveal the doorknob which will allow you entry.” Agnes explained shortly.

I affected a shallow bow. ”My thanks Madam Sampson.”

”Humph! I'd ask you to say out of trouble, but I dare say it would be a futile request.”

I chuckled. ”I think I'll be too busy to get into trouble before long. Thanks for the directions; I'll be seeing you later.” I said as I started off down the corridor.

”No need to hurry on my account.” The painting commented dryly.

”Now who's cheeky?!” I yelled back.

---

Hey part three, bit light, bit rushed, but eh.

Ridiculously Average Guy said:

Don't suppose he might spill the beans to Dumbledore and kill off Tom Riddle early?

I'm honestly not sure it would matter. The SI have very little relevant infomation for the time, all of it is 20 to 30 years in the future. Considering the timeframe, telling anyone with enough influense to do anything would shift everything off kilter, making the information useless anyway. With the timeframes involved I think its inevatable.

Chapter 0.4

Finding the great hall took a while because the founders apparently liked mazes and had turned their school into one! Now I could have asked the paintings for directions, but I figured I'd have to learn the lay of the land sooner or later so I stuck with it. One would think finding the main entrance would be easy though, not so much!

Still, once I got there it was fairly easy to locate the correct staircase and after going down it I found myself in a large well-lit hallway decorated on both sides with food-related art, bright orange banners, and some funny looking armors. I have to admit, I had expected badgers galore, but I suppose the famed humility of Hufflepuff house would prevent that even if it could be seen as their domain.

It took me a few minutes to locate what I thought was the right painting; it had a bowl of fruit roughly at the right high for a doorknob. ”Okay… here goes nothing.

I ”tickled” the pear.

It giggled.

I feel strangely violated…

The pear ”wiggled” a bit and then shifts into the shape of a doorknob.

”CGI eat your heart out.” I murmured to myself before smiling ruefully to myself. Here I am, being impressed by a doorknob. I felt like it should be a euphemism for something.

I chuckled helplessly at myself before shaking myself and focusing. I had stuff to do and food to eat. I opened the painting. I let out an involuntary gasp at the wave of hot fragrant air that hit me like a wall. It reminded me of some of the places I'd worked in my life.

My first impression of the room beyond was big, huge even; cavernous would not have been out of place as a descriptor. It was a tall high-ceilinged room that dwarfed the Great Hall above, likely by necessity. The first and most obvious feature in the room was the five great wooden tables arranged much like those I'd seen when I'd taken a quick peek into the hall above. And then there were the walls, every inch of them covered with gleaming kitchenware in all sizes and shapes, there were pots in there that looked big enough for me to take a bath in. Most of the stuff seemed to be made out of copper or brass by the looks of it. I didn't know enough to tell them apart. Spaced in between were countertops, giant brick ovens, and open fireplaces

And throughout the room… elves. A lot of elves.

Who all seemed frozen in place.

Staring right at little 'ol me.

Helloooo stage-fright, my old friend.

”Um… hi…” I wave hesitantly. God that was lame! I'm being lame in front of the house-elves. So this is rock bottom. Forget alcoholism and drug use, this is where it's at!

The elves were a diverse bunch; to say that they were dimorphic would be an understatement. Some of them looked kind of like what you see depicted in the movies and artwork – big floppy ears and large pointed nose, big eyes, etc. But that was not all, I saw some that looked like they had snouts, others had almost normal human-looking noses, others actually had hair! Never say that before. One elf had a beard so large it covered his entire body from view; he was bald as an egg otherwise. They were not quite as cartoony as the book made them out to be, or the movies for that matter. Though, their hands, feet, and heads did look a tad oversized on their stick figure bodies.

Incidentally, it was The Beard that decided to speak up first. ”Student should not be in kitchen.”

”Ah… sure… I'm not a student though. Not until fall, good elf.” Oh god! That was super lame! Good Elf!? Who says shit like that!?

The elves looked at one another and a soft murmur of conversation floated through the air as they absorbed that nugget of information. After a few moments of conferring with some of the elves near to him, The Beard stepped forward again. ”Why are you in kitchen?”

I shrugged. ”I'm hungry.”

That got me an excited murmur. Nice.

”I'm also looking to recruit,” I added.

That got me a bunch of confused looks.

”Re-cruit?” Asked The Beard hesitantly.

”Yeah, I heard you guys sometimes join up with people and help them out. I figured I'd ask if anyone of you would be interested in chipping in while I'm here at Hogwarts. I'll need all the help.” I said in a rush.

There was a bit of uneasy muttering before the Beard answered me. ”Um, Hoggy elves are bound to Hoggy.”

Goddamnit, not what I wanted to hear. ”All of you, like from birth?”

The Beard shook his head. ”No is when elf come of age.”

I clamped down on a smile. Perfect! Thank you! ”Do you happen to have any elves close to that age that might be willing to enter into my service, good elf?” I asked while beating my dork self over the head with a metal shovel. Why am I saying dorky stuff like that!?

Nothing happened for a few moments, the elves kinda just shuffled around, looking at one another uneasily and I began to feel a lump forming in my stomach. Did I push the wrong button? Go too far? FUUUUU! I did not want the house-elves on my ass. They run this effing place! And as one that works in retail, and have worked in restaurants, I know you don't f_u_c_k with the help. We will get revenge! Sweet delicious REVENGE! HAhah! Oh, what's happening?

There was an elf standing in front of me. Not The Beard. He wasn't quite as wrinkly as the others so I guessed he was young. He had hair, white, that stood up like he had engaged in intimate s_e_x_u_a_l activities with a lightning bolt. His ears were not big and floppy, but instead somewhat triangular and stood straight up, and his nose was not long and pointy, but sort of flat-ish? In combination with his dinner-plate-sized eyes, it made him look like one of those furless cats. If they'd had a baby with a human. It was less horrifying then I'd imagined. Still…

Freaky.

”Paddy volunteers.” The possible crime against nature said.

”Paddy!” The Beard hissed causing the now named Paddy to flinch, but then he squared his shoulders and turned to The Beard and Glared.

”Paddy volunteers!” Paddy growled determinately trough cleansed teeth. Woah, definitely some bad blood there. Didn't even think house-elves could growl. Better defuse this before I can't take advantage of it anymore. Time to make a good impression! Nice person mode is ON!

I knelt and laid one hand on the little elf's shoulder, feeling awkward as f_u_c_k, and gave him my best friendly smile. ”I accept you into my service, Paddy. This will be great, you'll see.”

Paddy smiled in return and stood a little straighter. ”Paddy will be happy to serve!” He proclaimed proudly.

I'd have to teach this one how to talk properly. And a few other things… I had plans! But that was later. I had more important things to do now.

”So. Food. You have any chicken?”

Chapter 0.5

After suffering the disapproving almost glare of The Beard, and more importantly, filling the bottomless pit with as much of bland tasteless cooking as I could manage. Seriously, what's up with this place? The British never heard of spices? Anyway, after eating and sending Paddy to my temporary abode I set out for the Room of Requirements!

Of course, I couldn't just go straight there. That would be suspicious as hell. I had to be circ_u_mspect – work my way there gradually. Thus began my slow meandering about the castle, pacing back and forward down one hall and into the next, poking into any unlocked room I came across, or just jumping in and hiding between classes so the magic brats wouldn't run into me.

I'd have to deal with them, wouldn't I? If I went to school here. God, I'd be the weird kid, again! It s_u_c_k_e_d the first time around, I wasn't eager to relive that part of my life. Then again, there was magic this time. Yeah, that would flip things around. I damn well should be able to out study some snot-nosed brats that were too busy either sticking their fingers into light sockets or just into any compatible orifice when they got a bit older.

How hard could it be to fly under the radar long enough to get enough magic under my belt to deal with my classmates? The Room would undoubtedly help if it worked like I hope it did. Dealing with the upper years would be more difficult as they had several years on me. I just had to hope they left me alone long enough for me to catch up. Maybe I could find some way to intimidate them. The average wizard didn't seem too bright in the books or the movies; maybe I could trick them somehow?

I pondered that question as I slowly worked my way up, floor by floor, pacing back and forth along various corridors, looking at paintings and poking my head into all unlocked room and cupboard I happened came across. It would have been boring if I didn't keep running into weird crap pretty much every time I opened a door. Apparently, in Hogwarts, empty rooms had a bit of a different meaning than anywhere else, rooms' not currently in use and filled with strange crap would likely be a better descriptor.

I have no idea why there was a room filled with floating left socks. I don't know how I knew they were only the left ones!

Of course, it wasn't as weird as the room filled with oblong-shaped buzzing things. I did not want to think about it.

I shuddered. ”The buzzing. It will haunt my dreams, yes…”

I wasn't entirely sure exactly where the Room was. I only remember the seventh floor, left corridor (highly useless as there are lots of left corridors) opposite a painting of dancing ballet trolls. That last one was the relevant one, along with the first one of course. But that begged the question. But which seventh floor? Hogwarts was a damn big place, with lots of buildings that went beyond seven floors; the big honking tower in the middle of it had almost three times that!

Consequently, I'd been at it for a while. I even had to return to the kitchen for another snack. I really wish I could just have asked the damn elves. But I think The Beard is angry with me. Better not antagonize the guy. I don't need house-elf pee in my drink, or worse!

I came to another door and pulled it open.

”▅▅▂▂▃▃▄▄▅▅!”

I closed the door.

”Moving on!”

Man this place is weird, dangerous weird, strange weird and just weird! Couldn't stop though. Nope. Stopping meant thinking, and thinking was bad right now. Thank f_u_c_k_i_n_g god I was almost there. Seventh floor. Now I just needed to find a painting of some dancing trolls and I'd be done with another step in my grand plan.

After another couple of minutes of wandering around, I finally located the painting. The painting that so happened to be a tapestry as it turns out. It was mesmerizing! It was like watching one of those Russian Dashcam videos on youtube. The guy, the wizard, would attempt to get the six trolls he was with to dance in a line, the trolls would try, fail, get frustrated and then beat the wizard with their clubs. It was morbidly fascinating and questionably hilarious to watch.

No! Must resist! Don't get s_u_c_k_e_d in!

Okay, turn away, turn away. I have a mission! Got to finish the mission!

I gathered myself and then started to pace back and forth in front of the tapestry, focusing on the shape I wanted the room to take. And after the third pass, I saw a large door melt out of the stone wall in the corner of my eye. I stopped and made a show of slowly turning towards it. I then stood there for a few moments just staring at it.

”Sure, magically appearing doors. This place has hit every other branch on the cliché tree, why not this.” I made a point of muttering out loud for the paintings to hear. I looked up at one of the nearby paintings, who was of an aristocratic-looking Victorian dude, who was, of course, watching me in return. ”So, what's the chance there is a treasure inside? And is there a grotesque monster guarding it?” That got me an amused smile, but he refrained from commenting. I took that as a good sign and proceeded to open the door. ”Here goes nothing.”

The room beyond wasn't much of a room, it was, in fact, an intersection between two corridors. I smiled, the feeling of triumph welling up in me. I closed the door behind me. ”I f_u_c_k_i_n_g knew it!”

I'd had a theory going back pretty much to the point where I first found out about the room. I had the thought that a room that could, by all evidence, bend space-time might have more than one entrance. And I'd been right! Hah! Okay, so it might not be such a big deal unless one of these doors happened to lead to something really interesting. Writers liked to use the Hogwart's library for the path to ultimate power, stupid as that was. I mean, it was the one place in the castle that was guaranteed to have seen EVERY student that had passed through her for the last thousand years, which was pretty much every magical in Britain. Any unique magical do-dad that might have been hidden there would have been found a long time ago.

In my mind, the Room was a far more logical place to find something like that. I highly doubted that it was the case, but it was far more plausible than the damn library!

I decided to check the left door first. Opening it I was hit with a chilly dank puff of air that smelled faintly of wet stone and stale air and a quick look around confirmed that I was somewhere in the dungeons. Considering the grime everywhere, an unused part of the dungeons. The door was located at the very end of a long unadorned corridor. I couldn't see the end of it due to it being unlit. I did see two doors on either side. I briefly considered exploring them but decided that I was more curious about the other doors. I could get back to this place later. Besides, it gave me the heebie-jeebies.

The center door, directly opposite the one I'd come in from led into a small unadorned room with a high ceiling. A large class window provided ample light. The door to the room was directly opposite the exit of the Room of Requirement. There was another smaller door right to the left as well. This place seemed a lot friendlier than the dungeon so I took off my jacket and used it to prop the door to the Room open before I went to see where that other doors went.

The smaller door led to an equally small bathroom, with a toilet, sink and a lion-footed bathtub right out from an old period drama. No shower.

The second door led to a small railed of landing overlooking a large well lit room, likely a classroom. A small staircase wound around the landing, leading down to the classroom floor. I was immediately reminded of the classroom that Gilderoy Lockheart had used in the second movie, only the landing was much higher up and the windows were located above the landing facing the entrance to the classroom.

I recognized it too. I'd run across it during my little tour of the castle. It was on the fourth floor of the big tower, fairly close to the place with the moving staircases. Very convenient. I had a thought but shelved it in favor of finding out where the last door went.

As it turned out it led outside. The doorway was located not far from a set of greenhouses that I was sure I was going to become intimately acquainted within the coming years. Not immediately useful, but might be a good way to get outside in a pinch.

Well, this had been productive. Now I just had my afternoon meeting with the mindreading headmaster to get through and I was done for the day.

I can't wait!

Chapter 0.6

”Are you insane?! No! Hell no! I'm not sleeping with the kids! I'm a thirty-year-old man for f_u_c_k's sake!” I protested loudly while pointedly not looking in his direction from where I was standing, which was in front of a shelf full of stuff I couldn't even begin to identify. I'd been offered a seat but had decided that it would be better if I was constantly moving about, making a show of examining my surroundings as it gave me an excuse of not paying direct attention to the man.

Dumbledore sighed. ”Mr. Ahlgren…”

”No. I will have a private room. I will damn well need it if I'm to cope with this shit AND make up a plan for when I've graduated. Not to mention I will need the space for any extracurricular activities I will need to do.” I growled as I moved from the weird thingamajigs and onto the more recognizable bookcases. The ones I could read the spine of that is. Some of them had old futhark runes on the spine. I wasn't sure the old Norse even had books.

”Extracurricular activities…?” Dumbledore asked faintly.

I risked a mind read and turned to him and gave him my best glare. ”Yes, did you really think I'd approach this like an eleven-year-old kid and only do the stuff I'm told? No. I have X number of years of free food and lodging, I'm damn well gonna use them to their fullest!”

The only reaction I got was a raised eyebrow and the patented beard-stroke of thoughtfulness. ”I see. And exactly what would that entail?”

”I don't know yet. Probably something that would allow me to generate an income of some sort.” I said vaguely, I wasn't willing to give him anything detailed, mostly because I didn't have much detail to give yet. I'd work it out.

”While it might be something to keep in mind for your later years here I don't believe it is such a pressing need at present.” He noted kindly.

”Oh? Will you provide me with spending money for things outside of school supplies?” I asked pointedly. A slim book caught my eye and I took a closer look. It was titled ”The Way before Wands: A Guide.” Not very inspiring as titles go, so it fit with what I knew of wizard naming practices. I plucked it off the shelf and opened it up to the first page.

”Ah…”

”I thought as much.” I continued absently, absorbed with reading the intro in the book. ”I will need my own room, or preferably rooms,” I stated as I turned the page. It was as I'd assumed; an instruction book for practicing wandless magic. This was a very useful book. I did not like the thought of having to rely on a fragile piece of wood to do magic if I didn't have to.

Dumbledore sighed. ”That would bring up questions that would be hard to answer, from both the board of directors as well as the children.”

”How so? You just need to tell the faculty and directors the truth. As for the kids, f_u_c_k 'em.” I told him dismissively.

”I'm not sure that is a good idea, Mr. Ahlgren. The Board would find this to be passing strange.”

”I can't be the strangest thing that's come through this place. And if not, they are grown-ass men and women, they'll deal ether way.” I countered bluntly.

I heard him huff in what I believed to be amus_e_m_e_nt and mutter under his breath. ”I would not be so sure if that, young man.”

”I'm sure…” I muttered snidely. ”Look, just treat me like a visiting student from another school, you don't just put them up with the other kids, am I right?

I heard him sigh again. It actually made me feel a bit guilty. ”I assume your current quarters are unsatisfactory then?”

”Bit small yeah. I've found some rooms that'll work on the fourth floor in the big tower. An old unused classroom with an attached office, it would work as a bedroom, even has a bathroom which is a bonus.”

”I see you are not on to sit on your laurels, Mr. Ahlgren.”

I snorted, feeling a bit amused. ”I'm a champion procrastinator,” I said brightly before my mood dropped again when the thought of my present situation intruded again. ”But right now… I needed something to keep my mind off my… situation; putting stuff in some sort of order was the best I could come up with.”

”I see…” He said, and I could hear the sympathy in his voice.

I grunted. ”Was there anything more?”

”I dare say not, Mr. Alhgren. I must say however, I do look forward to your sorting.”

Nice, I'd been hoping for some sort of opening into that subject. ”Sorting?”

”Ah yes, the sorting is a time-honored tradition here at Hogwarts. It is the means of which you are sorted into one of the four houses.” He explained shortly.

”Houses?”

”Indeed so. Here at Hogwarts, all students are sorted into one of four houses that were created by the founders of this school, each espouses traits that the founder of that house found laudable. Gryffindor, the house of the brave and chivalrous, always the first ones to dare. Ravenclaw, the house knowledge, who value intelligence and wit above all else. Hufflepuff, the house whose patience is legendary and who value loyalty more than gold. And lastly, there is Slytherin who use their cunning and resourcefulness to further their grand ambitions.” Dumbledore said with not a little pride in his voice.

I whistled. ”That's got to create some tension.”

”I'm sorry?”

”Oh, its basic human nature. If you divide people up in groups but then don't give them space they will inevitably come to blows. There are numerous studies on the subject.” I told him.

”I assure you, there have been no altercations between the houses, outside of Quidditch matches that is.” The venerable headmaster told me reassuringly.

I rolled my eyes. A school without bullying? Hehe. ”Mhm, that you have heard off,” I said doubtfully. ”How do you sort them anyway? Not like you can just see a person's qualities just like that.”

”Ah, but magic overcomes many such things. Here at Hogwarts, we make use of the Sorting Hat.” He said and gestured to a shelf that contained a ratty-looking wizards hat.

”Sorting hat…” I drawled. ”How that does that work exactly?”

”You merely need to put it up on your head and it can look into your mind and divine the best house for you.”

I gave him an incredulous look. ”Woah! Full stop! Look into my what now!? You have a mind-reading hat!?” I exclaimed hotly. And the Oscar goes to…!

”Indeed so.”

”Indeed so.” I mimicked snidely. ”Well, that hat ain't getting anywhere near my head!”

”Its tradition…” Dumbledore began, but I cut him off.

”Tradition my ass! No one goes walking through my damn head! That's private property and the hat isn't invited!”

”I assure you, the hat keeps what it sees entirely confidential,” Dumbledore assured gently.

”Oh, so you say. No! Nu-uh! Nien! Not happening! You hear me?!”

Dumbledore sighed and pulled his glasses off his nose and used his free hand to rub at the bridge of his nose. ”You seem intent on being difficult at every turn Mr. Ahlgren. I have afforded you great patience in this matter…” He started but I interrupted him yet again.

”This is a deal-breaker,” I stated firmly and honestly because it was true. I would not let anyone stick their fingers into my mind, for any reason. ”I'll take my chances with the crap orphanages of this time if it keeps stuff from crawling around in my head.” I continued fiercely before sighing. ”Look, I won't be living in the dorms anyway, right? So there is no need to have me go through a sorting, right?”

Dumbledore sighed again and started to polish his glasses with the hem of his robe. ”Very well, if you feel so strongly about it I will give you another exemption in this. It will make your schedule somewhat of a challenge, however.”

I shrugged. ”Why? Just put me in with the Ravenclaws, I plan on studying me cute little a_s_s off so I'll fit right in with the house that values knowledge, right?”

”I suppose that would be adequate.” He muttered as he slid his glasses back onto his nose.

I sighed in relief. Safe! Thank god Dumbledore is a bleeding heart or I'd probably been out on my a_s_s this time tomorrow. ”Thank you… sir.” He'll probably have to jump through some hoops for me, giving him some measure of respect for it is only right. Even if it feels a bit weird.

He gave me an arched look. ”I do hope this is the last of your unorthodox requests, Mr. Ahlgren.”

I held up the book I'd been flipping through and flashed him an irreverent grin. ”Does asking to borrow this count.”

Dumbledore took a moment to squint at the book, likely trying to place it in his mind before he gave me a considering look. ”To learn what is in that book would require great patience and dedication. Do you feel you believe you have those qualities.”

”How about stubbornness and single-mindedness'?” I retorted.

Dumbledore chuckled lightly. ”I suppose we will find out. You are free to take the book, Mr. Ahlgren.”

”Cheers,” I responded, waving the book in the air. ”Was that all?”

”Of course. I will see to it that some furniture is moved to your new room.”

I gave him a mock salute before turning towards the door. ”Thank ye kindly.”

”My door is always open should you need me, Mr. Ahlgren,” Dumbledore said after me as I exited.

”I'll keep that in mind!” I called back before I started to make my way down the spiral staircase, two steps at the time. Man, that had been terrifying! But I did it! I was home free

”Alright!” I said and tried to get into a positive frame of mind. ”Let's see how badly I can gamebreak the setting.”

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And end~~ Continue to Chapter 1.1 on Spacebattles!