Chapter 90 - My SI Stash #90 - Better Living Through Magic by Coeus (Pre Harry Potter) (1/2)

-More SI Harry Potter fic for F1nal~~ SI to Pre-Harry Potter (1964)!

*Story starts a bit slow but does pick up after a few chapters, MC's some sort of inventor~

Sypnosis: ???

Rated: ???

Words: 160K

Posted on: forums.spacebattles.com/threads/better-living-through-magic-harry-potter-si.756754/page-5#post-58420480 (Coeus)

PS: If you're not able to copy/paste the link, you have everything in here to find it, by simply searching the author and the story title. It sucks that you can't copy links on mobile (´ー｀)

-I'll be putting the chapter ones of all the fanfics mentioned, to give you guys a sample if you wan't more please do go to the website and support the author! (And maybe even convince them to start uploading chapters in here as well!)

Chapter 0.1-0.6

So this story started as a ”take that” to your average Harry Potter story, you know, the standard seven years ”Hogwart's Experience” and all the stupid samey events that tend to show up both canon and fanon. I can't tell you how tired I am of another ”Rune Magic” story where the protagonist takes Ancient Runes and discovers something groundbreaking in a field that has supposedly been around for thousands of years, usually something stupidly obvious to the point that you wonder how wizards can walk and breath at the same time if that is the level of intelligence they have. Even worse, they fail to account for the changes their new system would have had on the magical world, nothing exist in a vacuum. Why they don't just build on the existing system I'll never understand. Safe to say, the Hogwarts part of this story will be fairly short. That is to say, there will be an end to it. Eventually. ????

I'm also gonna try for a bit of world-building, not much, and mostly concerning fringe things that barely get any mention in the books, or none at all, as it happens. Let's see how it goes.

Better Living Through Magic

I hate the rain, I hate the wind, and I particularly hate it when you combine them. I grunted as a brief flash of light startled me. The rumbling boom that followed quickly on its heels seemed to cause the rain to increase, pouring down on the umbrella I was desperately trying to keep steady as the always shifting wind tried to yank it out of my grasp. I hated – well, no. I don't hate lightning. Truth be told, it was the only part of storms I liked. Once, when I was younger – thirteen, fourteen at most, I'd gone out during a fierce thunderstorm and climbed up a nearby mountain, almost to the top. There I'd laid down on my back and just stared at the sky and the lightning. I remember being scared, yet unwilling to leave and climb back down.

Not one of my brightest moments.

But it had been spectacular.

Magical…

...No, I don't hate lightning.

Being struck by lightning, you'd think it would hurt, you'd think the sound would be horrendous. That's the picture you have in your mind. The truth is quite the opposite, it was more like I was suddenly struck deaf and numb. My world went white and I felt suddenly weightless like I'd just jumped off somewhere high.

Then gravity decided I'd had enough fun and reintroduced itself. My landing was ungraceful and quite painful; I saw stars as my head bounced off the ground. I instinctively curled up in a fetal position, both because of the pain and the deafening sound of things crashing into the ground all around me.

The first thing I noticed was that I could barely see, not that I was blind or anything, everything was just blurry, with everything just seeming to bleed into everything else. I fumbled a bit but managed to pull my glasses off, and to my surprise, my vision cleared. Not entirely, the edges of things still seemed kinda frayed, like a watercolor painting that had a bit too much water.

”Vad I helvete?!” I almost choked on my own words. That wasn't my voice! What the hell was going on?! I quickly sang a short tremulous note and felt my insides freeze. There was no way I'd be able to make a note that high with my real voice. I reached up and touched my throat and got my second shock. No stubble! I rubbed my hand over my mouth, no beard. ”Vad I helvete!”

I hadn't been clean-shaven since I was fifteen and my beard came in, I always had a short well-groomed goatee. ”Va fan hände med mitt skägg!?

I struggled to my feet, fighting against clothes that were suddenly too big and a body that arched and cramped painfully at every little move I made. God. I was so tempted to just collapse back to the floor and lie there until my world stopped being pain!

Once I got to my feet the indignities decided to continue with my pants dropping to my feet like something right out of a B-comedy shtick. I was beyond caring at that point, though later I would feel grateful that my u_n_d_e_r_w_e_a_r didn't drop as well. I'd been humiliated enough for one night without that compounding it. Since I was now on my feet I took the opportunity to take a look at my surroundings. I wasn't outside anymore for one. I was in a roughly circular room with a high domed ceiling; bookshelves lined the walls, filled to the brim with books and the odd contraption that I had difficulty making out due to my lack of glasses. Some of the books and things were now littering the floor, probably caused by whatever brought me here.

The telltale groan of wood under strain pulled my attention to a large wooden desk that had been tipped over on its side. It was one of those humongous monstrosities that looked like they were carved from a single piece of redwood and probably weighed a ton and change. It was currently defying all laws of physics by floating up off the floor like it didn't weight more than a feather. I felt the roof of my mouth prickle as if someone was slowly pushing in a dozen small needles. I tasted metal. My heart pounded. The desk floated higher and then started to right itself before gently settling down on the floor again. And in so doing revealing the person behind the little magic trick.

At recognizing him I did the only sensible thing a person in my situation could do.

I freaked the f_u_c_k out!

The result was far more… explosive then I had expected, seeding out a shockwave of force that flipped the desk over again and sent the brightly dressed old man onto his ass. Glass shattered all around me and books crashed down from their shelves. It just made things worse, which caused more outbursts of uncontrolled force, which in turn destroyed more of the room. The floaty desk person reacted to that by pulling out a wand and sending out a scintillating surge of energy at me.

”Tranquillitus!”

---

Well, let's see where this goes then. Sorry about any spelling or grammatical errors that have snuck in. Don't have a beta.

Criticism and comments are of course welcome and appreciated. I'll post the next part in a few hours after I get some sleep and have given it a once over. Don't forget to like if you do... like it that is.

Chapter 0.2

Imagine if someone was to dump a pail of ice water on your brain and you have a basic idea of what it felt being hit with that spell. Everything calmed down and suddenly I felt very… together. ”Ah, hmm… Well, that's… that just happened. I think I'd be excited, but I'm way to mellow to bother with it, wooh!” This must be what it was like to take drugs.

I blinked my eyes and shook my head a bit to try to knock some of the cobwebs loose. That turned out to have been a mistake I winced as pain flashed through me again. I needed to sit down. I had a look around and quickly located one of the chars lying on its side some feet from me. Now having a purpose I hobbled over and with some effort righted it and then climbed into it and made myself as comfortable as I could under the current circ_u_mstances. My suddenly enormous jacket made it somewhat easier. Meanwhile, the person that could be no other than Dumbledore, the venerable and barmy headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was seemingly dismissing me at the moment in favor of inspecting his office. Bit rude of him, what if I was hurt? Maybe he'd already checked me over? Some sort of magical bullshit. Still though, bad form.

Still, Dumbledore! Impossible! Yet, there he was. Undeniable.

I looked over at Dumbledore again as he slowly moved around his office, repairing, righting and moving various things into place with strange graceful movements of his wand. He didn't say a word, he just waved his wand and shit got fixed. I guess verbalizing your spells wasn't strictly necessary. Good to know.

So what the hell was I to do now? I was likely trapped here, in a world I only knew from fiction. Of course, relying on that sort of information to much would likely get me into trouble since even with that many books it was most likely that I only had a very superficial insight into this place. I suppose the smart thing right now was to use Dumbledore's momentary distraction to take stock and make some sort of short term plan.

So what did I know?

I was in an office. Not immediately useful.

The giant orange bird that seemed remarkably unfazed by the ruckus would suggest the latter.

Albus can read minds; don't look him in the eyes!

I'm at Hogwarts. A relevant and important fact to be revisited later!

This should be impossible!

A dream?

No, too much pain for that.

So, it was real? Big problem!

I just trashed the place with magic!

I have magic! Yay!

I'm never seeing my family again! Boo!

I can learn to cast spells! Yay!

I appear to be a prepubescent child. Boo!

Ugh. This situation was highly inconvenient. What the hell was I to do now? Short term. I would need information. I would have to figure out when I was. Dumbledore was alive, and by the look of his hands, he had yet to find and use the Ring. Good. If I was lucky he had yet to send Harry on his little hunt. If I could get to the ring first and get my hands of the Resurrection Stone things would become somewhat easier. At least as soon as I figured out some good shades to summon.

My chair suddenly gave a little jerk and floated gently up into the air, jogging me out of my thoughts. I noted that the office was once again in pristine condition, with no signs left to indicate my recent magically assisted breakdown. I was floated over and positioned neatly in front of the headmaster's now righted desk. I observed the whole thing with undisguised interest until it was done before giving a sigh, leaning back and closing my eyes. ”Well, that happened.”

”Are you alright young man?” The venerable old man asked me.

I started to shrug but thought better of it. ”Bit banged up, but I don't think I'm leaking anywhere.”

”I'm glad to hear it. I trust this must seem very strange and frightening to you, my dear boy. But I can assure you, you are quite safe here.” He said reassuringly. I noted with some amus_e_m_e_nt that his voice was quite a bit deeper and stronger then ether Richard Harris or Michael Gambon. It reminded me a bit of Sean Connery, only without the Scottish accent. ”Now, I think some introductions might be in order. I 'am Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where you currently reside.”

”Andreas,” I told him shortly. Then after a moment, I added. ”Andrew or Andy to you; you English can't say my name without sounding like a poof.” Hahah! Look at me, using an English slang! Epic!

”Duly noted. Now then young man, perhaps you can tell me how you managed to arrive so spectacularly in my office just now.” Dumbledore began in a grandfatherly tone voice. ”Quite a feat, one that should, according to all that I know, be quite impossible.”

”Not young,” I said, ignoring his question, before looking down at my now very small hands. ”At least I didn't use to be,” I added. I thought it would be best to get that out straight away. Getting treated like a child wasn't something I had any intentions to put up with. ”Things happened, I guess.”

”An interesting contention.” He noted. ”How old would you say you are then?”

I decided not to comment on the benign condescension in his voice. Kids telling tall tales were probably a twice-daily occurrence around here. ”37.”

”Ah.” Yeah, f_u_c_k you to man.

Fine, I can logic my way thought this, no problem. ”I'm sitting in the office of a sorcerer-”

”Wizard, if you don't mind.” Dumbledore interrupted kindly.

”-whatever, you have what might be a legendary phoenix perching on a golden stand, surrounded by all manner of strange twirling magical tig-ma-jigs, which was moments ago so much junk because I now apparently blow up when I'm excited! And you find the thought of someone being reduced in age strange?” I said, sarcasm virtually dripping off my every word.

”Ah, a muggleborn then.” He concluded, apparently dismissing my little rant entirely. What a guy, no wonder every evil dude wanted to set his beard on fire. This must be what every Spider-Man villain feels like.

”That sounds faintly insulting,” I muttered. Really, what kind off name was ”muggleborn” anyway? It's like the word was tailored to be belittling. Made you sound like you were mentally deficient – highly ironic considering that the average wizard had the smarts of a rotten turnip.

I head him sigh faintly before speaking. ”I suppose there is some truth in what you say. However, to get back on topic, there is no record of someone being reduced in age, unless under the effects of Polyjuice Potion.” He said, and I suddenly saw a faint flash of light through my eyelids followed by a strange sensation, like my insides being tickled. I didn't like it. ”Which as it would appear, you are not.”

He wasn't buying it. I rolled my eyes behind my closed eyelids and gestured languidly in the general direction I thought my discarded pants were currently located. ”I draw your attention to Exhibit A, a pair of pants, ten thousand sizes too big for me. Then there is Exhibit B, leather jacket, also much too big for me, under which is Exhibit C, a shirt, also of a size unfitting to my current form… shoes, socks, and u_n_d_e_r_w_e_a_r, which fortunately for me is equipped with admirable elastic bands, which is why they haven't fallen of me yet. Not that they are of much use since my tackle is the size of a mosquito bite at the moment.” I told him dryly before pointing at my face. ”There are also my glasses, which are now both too big and now the wrong prescription as well.”

”You don't say.” Oh hello, disbelieving condescension.

I would have glared at him, but I was too tired and I didn't want to give him a chance to peek into my noggin, instead I reached into my jacket and rummaged through one of my inner pockets, which happened to be filled with all sundry of things, papers, receipts, at least two pens and most importantly at the moment, a small metal case. I fished it out and opened my eyes long enough to flicked it over unto his desk.

There were several long moments of silence, during which I was listening intently for him to pick off the case. He didn't, or at least I didn't hear anything. I opened one of my eyes a crack and saw him looking down at the case on his desk but making no move to interact with it. Really!? Did he have to make this more difficult than it had to be? If it wasn't for the calming charm I'd probably have said something stupid…er, I settled for sarcasm in lieu of that. ”It's a case, you have to open it.”

”Ah,” Dumbledore responded as if he'd just had a great revelation because of course he did. He carefully picked up the small case with his thin fingers and after a moment of examination, he popped the case open, spilling out its meager content of three plastic cards. One was my MasterCard, the second was my railcard, and finally and most importantly, my ID. Dumbledore spread the cards out and took a moment to give them a cursory examination before picking up my ID and giving it a more thorough look over.

”It would seem you are yet to be born.” He said at length.

I was again thankful for the calming charm, or those words would likely have set me off again. As it was several scenarios flashed through my head before settling. I g_r_o_a_n_e_d and pinched the bridge of my nose, sinking back further into my jacket. ”So not only am I not in my own world, but I'm back in time as well? That's just wonderful.” I muttered, injecting as much venom into the last word as I possibly could at the moment. ”What year is it?”

”The date is February 26th, 1964. It's a Wednesday.”

”1964?” I asked, feeling faint despite the charm on me. ”I'm in the swinging sixties!? Oh, that's just great!” I complained loudly. Welp, there went any use I'd have of my foreknowledge. Gone! I'm flying without a safety net. Wonderful!

”Oh, it is not all that bad. The muggle world seems to be peaceful at the moment.”Dumbledore commented lightly.

”Oh please spare me. It's the hippy decade, where the whole world smokes pot and competes to be even more moronic than usual.” I muttered irritably. The only good thing that came out of this time was a more accepted view of p_o_r_n or something. Not that I had any use for it at the moment. Goddamnit!

”If I might ask, exactly what time are you from. And why would you believe you are in another world?”

Whoops! I suppressed a wince and turned it into another sigh. ”It was 2019 last I checked, Monday, March 11. And we don't have magic where I come from, and I sure as shit never did anything like what I just did a few moments ago.”

”Ah, I see where you might be confused. Truth be told, the Muggle World is largely unaware of the existence of magic and the Wizarding World, and we take great pains to keep it that way.” He explained shortly.

I snorted softly. ”Unless you happen to exist in some sort of pocket dimension or something then I highly doubt you would be able to keep a lid on stuff. 2019 is a very different world that 1964.” I said, and on a whim, I dipped my hand back into my inner pockets and fished out my mobile phone and flicked it on. I was a bit surprised when it worked. Hogwarts' ability to cook electronics was infamous. Still, not one to look a gift horse in the mouth I turned the phone towards Dumbledore and snapped a picture and then I turned it over and showed it to him. ”Where I come from cameras are everywhere, on buildings, in building, in cars and everyone has one of these little handy cellphones, that's not just limited to still pictures but can even record…” I stopped a moment thinking about how to explain video recordings. Did they even have TV's right now? ”Do you know what a TV is?”

There was a brief pause, where I assumed he was searching his memory before he spoke. ”Ah yes, it is a muggle device that can show moving pictures and sounds, much like a wizard painting. Quite the ingenious thing if I do say so myself. I assume your… cellphone, was it? Can it do something similar?”

”It can do it better, faster and with a crystal clear quality,” I told him before shutting down the phone again to save on battery life. I did have the charger with me, but I doubted I'd be able to find a socket anywhere in Hogwarts. Additionally, it might keep whatever was frying stuff around here from nuking my phone. It might come in handy later. I might also be able to figure out what was making it happen. ”And it can store thousands of different clips for replay at any time the user so d_e_s_i_r_e, and upload it to a sort of information network that quite literally spans the entire world. So basically, you need only f_u_c_k up once and everyone would know.”

The office fell into a few moments of heavy silence as the venerable headmaster digested this new tidbit of information. I risked another peek and was somewhat gratified by the troubled set of his brow. A bit petty of me I suppose. Still, I wonder how he'd react if I told him about satellites and moon landing and all the other crazy stuff that was coming down the pipe in the next few years. It would blow his mind for sure.

”…I see.” Dumbledore said at length.

I could hear slight apprehension in his voice and did a little internal cheer. Yes! I was getting through that thick skull of his. He was starting to believe me. I decided to toss him an olive branch as a reward. ”Hey, forewarned is forearmed, yeah? You have, like, forty years to get ahead of this. I think the first mobile with a camera showed up around the turn of the century, two thousand or something like that. I don't know when the CCTV network got up and running around here but it's not up yet. Plenty of time to upgrade your defenses.”

There was another poignant pause before Dumbledore decided to speak again. ”An uplifting thought, Mr. Ahlgren.”

”Aint it just.” I commiserated.

I head him chuckle good-naturedly before speaking again. ”To continue, there is still the question of how you managed to arrive here at Hogwarts, into my office no less.”

I sighed and thought about how to try to explain that before just giving a mental shrug and giving up. No good way to explain it. ”Probably a ROB.”

”Rob?” The headmaster echoed, clearly asking for an explanation.

”Random Omnipotent Being, sometimes called a BROB, Bastard Random Omnipotent Being,” I explained languidly. ”Its a god, but more of an asshole on a personal level.”

”I see…” He said in that manner that made it clear he thought I might have a screw loose. ”And you have had much contact with this… Rob?”

I smiled a little. ”Never met the dude. Didn't think one could exist until just now.”

There was another pause from the headmaster before he continued. ”Then if I might ask; why do you think this Rob is responsible?”

I shrugged. ”Because while I can accept that being struck by lightning might have the effect of transporting me elsewhere, and elsewhen, it's an old gimmick in storytelling after all, but the reduction in age smells of someone f_u_c_k_i_n_g around with my life,” I informed him matter-of-factly.

”I… suppose that is one way to look at it,” Dumbledore said mildly. ”Any particular idea why this divine being would take an interest in you?”

”Nope.” I responded, poping the P. ”Just a regular guy far as I know.”

Dumbledore paused again for a few moments. ”I see. And what were you doing before this occurred?”

”Going to the store to pick up some milk and cream.” I stopped for a moment as a thought occurred to me. ”I wonder if I'm still lactose intolerant?”

”Excuse me?”

”Nothing, random thought,” I said dismissively. ”It happens sometimes.”

”Ah, yes, I too am afflicted by that particular malady.” The old berdo said humorously.

”No kidding…” I returned with a mock excited tone.

”I assume you also have no idea as to why you would have been deposited here of all places?” Dumbledore continued, ignoring my mocking. Come on man, give me something!

”Probably a real-life tutorial level,” I answered grudgingly.

”I'm not entirely sure of your meaning.”

”Easy mode. A place that shows you the ropes without any real risk of getting harmed or killed.” I explained simply. ”I figure a world full of magic would be dangerous for someone that doesn't know the ins and outs of it.

”Ah. I suppose there is something to that.”

I shrugged. ”Best guess; don't take my word for it.”

”I see little choice in the matter at the moment. I will, of course, investigate matters as I'm able, but for now, I will consider the matter settled. Now the issue turns to what to do with you. As it is obvious that you possess the gift for magic, you have a place here at Hogwarts, should you want it. If you are not amenable I'm prepared to help you in contacting another school, one closer to home perhaps, that you might prefer to go to.”

Hah, yeah, that was not happening. ”Here is fine, not like I have anything to go home to.” I laughed a bit weakly. ”I suppose technically I don't have a home, my dad would be, like, four right now, or something?” God, that thought made me feel f_u_c_k_i_n_g awful. There wasn't even any assurance that any of my family even existed.

I heard him get up and after a moment I felt his hand on my shoulder. ”Come, it is late. I will show you to a room where you might rest. We will speak more tomorrow, is that alright with you?”

It had been midday just a few minutes ago, my time. But I could do with a laydown since I felt like I'd gone through the wringer. ”I could sleep.”

”Very well then, follow me.”

---

Chapter 0.3

Morning found me lying in my new bed staring listlessly up at the stone ceiling above me. Not an inspiring view as it happens. The calming charm Dumbledore had cast on me the day before had faded by now I since I was feeling depressed as all heck. It was like my dad dying all over again. Had I been home I would have been able to deal with it in several ways. But here I was cut off, utterly alone, with only my thoughts for company. And seeing as they were the problem, what with them being a vortex of depression spiraling ever downwards, I'd have to do something else. I knew I'd have to break that self-destructive circle if I wanted to get on with my life, I knew how to do that too. I'd just… been having some problems… getting started… for the last few hours…

But my back was starting to arch, I needed to pee and I was starting to get really hungry. All valid reasons to get up! Yay! Progress! I suppose that will have to do for motivation. Now, as my normal distractions were unavailable to me; I suppose then, that I have to find new ones to replace them, wouldn't I? And considering where I was, that would likely prove to be fairly easy. If anything could work as a distraction a magical castle should work adequately, or I'd be very disappointed.

I sat up and swung my legs out of bed. The shock of the cold stone floor on my feet was a momentary distraction and I decided that I quite like it, so I sat there for a few moments and basked in the cold sensation against the soles of my feet before I turned my mind towards what to do now.

So what did I want to do?

No, what did I need to do?

Long term? I needed access to the Room of Requirement. It was the single most potent piece of magic in this castle that I knew about. Its value as a place to train had no equal. And more importantly, the room also hid the Room of Hidden Things. I had no idea what it contained beyond a few items, but I did know that it housed a thousand years' worth of things that people wanted hidden! And what did people hide? Valuable things of course! And embarrassing things) I doubted that all of it would actually be of use, but is the place was as big as was indicated, that the chances were favorable I thought.

The second thing I needed was allies, of a sort. The number one, best-case scenario, was that I managed to bind a house-elf to myself. Their loyalty was without question once they dedicated themselves to someone. I wasn't sure of the exact nature of their relationship with Hogwarts. But if I was lucky I would have a very loyal confidant on my side, one that might be potentially very powerful. Bonus if it was able to move me around the castle.

Beyond that, the school would provide for the time being.

Now, how to get at it? No that was not quite right... It should be; how do I get what I want without getting more attention drawn to myself than I already had? I might be in the past where my meta-knowledge was of limited use, but that didn't mean I was safe. Voldemort was very much alive here even if he hadn't gotten around to start his little rampage just yet he likely already had most of his bad-boy band together. A band that comprised some of the most influential and rich assholes around right now. I didn't like those odds.

I momentarily thought about trying to get involved but quickly, and brutally, shut that line of thought down. I was not insane enough to get into that right now. Selfish, I know. But while my life might be at an all-new low point I was not eager to end it just yet. And telling Dumbledore what was to come was like painting a bulls-eye on my back, I did not trust that man's judgment! Anyone that thought it was cool to effectively serve up a kid to a monster to make said monster vulnerable was not one I would trust my safety to. And as Gibbs said; If you have a secret, the best thing is to keep it to yourself. The second-best is to tell one other person if you must.

There is no third best. I might do something later, once I had some magic under my belt. But it was something to revisit on a later date. Like when I had an exit strategy in place. Besides, the only relevant information I had at this point was the location of the Resurrection Stone. And I wanted that damn thing.

But that was the future, needed some plans for right now! FOCUS!

Okay… okay. KISS! Keep it simple stupid! Start small! My stomach complained loudly. Okay, food would be good. Food would also be a good excuse to go looking for the kitchen; the kitchen was where the house-elves were! Okay, but how do I get there without showing that I know how to get there? Ask someone would be easiest. Who should I ask? I didn't want to talk to Dumbledore again right now; I'd have to see him later anyway. Not the other teacher's ether. Not that I know which ones would be here at this point in time… McGonagall certainly, possibly Flitwick. I didn't want to talk to them either. Besides going for them might put me into contact with the students – I wanted to put that up for as long as I possibly could. I did not need teenage drama with magic mixed in right now, or ever!

At that point, I was forced to make a quick trip to the loo to relieve some pressure on my bladder before I got back to trying to plan out an acquisition of food and house-elf. It occurred to me that I had no business knowing that you could potentially bond house-elves to yourself. AGH! Why is this not easy!? I stomped over to the dresser and leaned on it, looking into the large round mirror that was positioned on top of it. I made quite the sight. My hair looked like I'd been struck by lightning and I had faint bruises all over my body from yesterday's little adventure.

I picked up my glasses, kindly resized by Dumbledore along with the rest of my clothes, and put them on, and had to suppress a wince as my field of view become even more distorted then it had been. Wrong f_u_c_k_i_n_g prescription. Of f_u_c_k_i_n_g course! I sighed and looked into the mirror again.

”I look like an ass.”

”Oh, it's hardly that bad, honey!” A kind feminine voice responded unexpectedly.

I flinched back with a yelp. ”AH! F_u_c_k me!”

”Language young man!” The talking piece of furniture reprimanded snottily.

I took a moment to collect myself. ”Talking mirrors. Of course!”

I chuckled to myself at the sheer insanity of the world I was currently in. I looked at my reflection again. I smiled, showing teeth. Then I frowned exaggeratedly. I made a few more faces before giving myself a flat look. Then something occurred to me. The paintings! I could talk to the paintings! I mean sure, they likely tattled on students to the faculty, but if I did it right then it would just look like some noob asking for directions. Perfectly innocent! I'd never seen moving talking paintings before. Of course I'd be interested!

Invigorated by my new plan I quickly got dressed in my resized clothes and shoes and then gave a careful listen at the door to assure myself that there was no one moving about outside, I could do without meeting any of the students. Satisfied that I didn't hear anything I carefully cracked the door open a bit and took a quick peek.

Empty.

Excellent!

I crept out and took another look around. Both walls in the corridor I was in were crowded with portraits and paintings in all sizes and shapes with a stunning array of motifs displayed and hung on the walls in a seemingly haphazard way. Like someone had played a giant game of Tetris and failed spectacularly at it. It just looked like they'd just thrown them up there!

”Note; Hogwarts' is in serious need of an interior decorator. End note.”

I just stood there watching the paintings for a few minutes as they went about their business, sleeping, eating, chatting and visiting each other. I watched a character from one portrait move across several frames as he made his way to one that housed a beautiful woman reclining in what looked like some kind of boudoir was fascinating. I couldn't help but giggle as the couple retired to a bed in the background before pulling the curtains. Damn paintings were getting more action then I'd be liable for any time soon. I think I just hit a new low.

”Young man, shouldn't you be in class?” A cultured feminine voice asked lightly, jogging me from my thoughts.

I turned around and looked behind me. It didn't take me more than a moment to find the one talking as she was in the biggest frame there. She was a severe-looking lady in an unflattering brown dress with her hair done up in a bun so tight it probably doubled as a medieval version of a facelift. I think she might have been petty at one point, but now frown lines marred her face, making her seem grimmer then I think she might have if she smiled once in a while.

”Technically speaking I don't start until next semester,” I answered her as I walked up to her portrait. ”And you are?”

”Agnes Sampson.” She introduced herself promptly. ” If you are not a student, what is your purpose here, young man?”

”P_l_e_a_s_u_r_e, Miss Sampson. I'm Andrew, and my purpose is food. You don't happen to know the way to the kitchen?” I told her with a cheeky smile.

The got me a raised eyebrow from the stern-looking woman. ”What need would have of going to the kitchen?”

”For the getting of the food?” I answered slowly in by best Buffy speak.

That got me an eye-roll. ”As you are a guest at this castle, if you wish for food, you merely need to call for a house-elf.”

Oh, opportunity. I had to suppress a smile and affect what I hoped was a confused look. ”What's a house-elf?”

She gave me a searching look. ”You are a muggleborn.” She stated.

”So I've been told.”

”Hm, unusual for one of your kind to be called her before you are supposed to.” She commented leadingly.

”My circ_u_mstances are unique,” I answered vaguely before trying to steer the conversation back to what was important. ”Now, food, house-elf, some exposition would be nice.”

She was quiet for a few moments, studying me, before speaking again. ”You are a queer little child, young man.”

I gave her my best irreverent smirk. ”You have no idea.”

That got me another eye-roll, I was on a roll today. Eh? Eh? ”Another troublemaker, how disappointing.”

”Oh, I wouldn't make any bets on that.” I had no interest in rocking any boats until I felt safe. And I very much doubted that I'd achieve that any time soon. ”Now, are you simply going to be overly disappointed in my general direction, or will you give me some answers. If not, then I'm sure someone else will.”