Chapter 60 - My SI Stash #60 - Unfortunately, I’m not a Hero by Sage_of_Eyes (My Teen Rom Com) (2/2)

”You will provide another strategy for me. One that does not meaninglessly throw away lives for mere convenience. I demand not the impossible, but your best.” Each word was stated without the slightest hint of hesitation. Each syllable dripped with strength. Every single ounce of intent was delivered clearly and with no room to argue. ”Plan quickly and plan well, vaunted tactician, because you will be beside me to see this battle through to the end.”

Many of the other individuals in the room were shaking due to the Demon Lord's strength, in both words and arcane might. The armored, armed dragons that protected her were standing straight due only to force of will or their weapons, which they gripped and held onto to support themselves. Ur had a grimace upon her lips, despite all the battles she fought calmly, with hardly anything more than what she deigned to call clothes, and whatever weapons she managed to get her hands on.

Me?

I was sweating like pig, trembling like a loon, and biting my lip as to not scream.

Correction.

Biting my lip as to not smile at a job well done.

”R-right.” My teeth chattered while I agreed, but when I bowed, I allowed myself a smirk between troubled breaths. It was just the start, but knowing that I didn't fall into the hands of another tyrant who'd approve of the quickest, most ruthless options was something I needed to verify. Nor was I in the hands of a helpless, incompetent idiot. Trusting a stranger is foolish. Trusting someone who would allow a captured, enemy force to be rearmed and returned to their commander was suicide. I now knew that the Demon Lord was not an idiot, since she could wipe out all the aforementioned individuals she rearmed, nor was she simply faking her nobility, as she actually gave a f_u_c_k about how their lives were spent.. ”I'll do that.”

Definitely worth a few moments of existential dread.

”See that you do.” The Demon Lord's power lessened. Breathing, no, existing became an easier and less complicated affair. When I raised my head to meet her calm gaze, covered in seat and fear, and lacking my smile… I saw a glimpse of regret that was tossed away behind determination. Another good sign. She wasn't a psychopath. Or, at least, very good at acting that she wasn't. A decent point in her favor either way. I'd like a perfect psychopath on my side of the court, especially if they couldn't tell if they were being tested and manipulated. ”And, my name is Roseanne, not Ojou-sama. You will refer to me as such, Hikigaya Hachiman, my new court tactician.”

Hah!

Forget not being an idiot.

I needed to stay on my guard, because she had sharp mind and more than a few suspicions.

With just a sentence, at little cost to herself, she put me under her command, along with all the troops I had under me, and made it so that every decision I made would have to go through her. Doubtlessly, around her, to fulfill my goal of survival, I would have to do just as well or better than while I was with the Empire.

Roseanne?

Roseanne was going to be a pain in the a_s_s to work for… which was almost too good to be true, given my last employer's complete lack of care.

This better not be a shitty dream sequence and I'm really still working for the Empire!

...

1.3

…

Only an idiot thinks fighting fair ever happens. The morons who try to fight fair are dead by the enemy's hand or the people they're supposed to lead into battle. Fact: people want to survive and win. Source: Me. Those who want to fight perfectly and look good are weeds that are pruned by the earliest of battle, left to be nothing more than lessons, and are convenient meatshields at best. They're the country's ablative armor, meant to dull the weight of an enemy offensive or two, while the real tacticians and generals are briefed, given the best troops, and send in counter attacks.

There isn't a single general or commander in the either side of the war that's an idiot, who'll fall for the same trick twice, and if there are… well they'll be f_u_c_k_e_d over by whatever tactic I use against the good ones anyway. There's no sunken cost involved into making a new, perfect strategy that'll kill someone else. If the enemy dies, then that's an absolute victory, because if they're dead I'm alive.

The trick is making sure the trick pans out.

To work is to lose, but if dying is the only other alternative, then I'll work the hardest.

Thankfully, my new boss happened to be the very best person for me to abus—work with.

Nothing like someone who was honorable, noble, and righteous to make sure that the most underhanded, dirty, and disrespectful means of victory comes to pass. Those who want to be right, those who hold something else above their own lives, and those who would rather lose everything than lose what they hold most dear will never think they're wrong.

Not even as they lie dying in a pool of their own blood.

…

The incoming enemy force was more than expected.

”Four divisions of the Empire's finest will be upon us in a day's time. Retreat is impossible due to enemy cavalry and our caravan.” I knew all of that, but having someone else verify it was for the best. Trusting only my own eyes and ears is a good way to serve my head on a platter. Whether it's good new or bad, verification is what matters the most. ”This situation is difficult. I look forward to saving your life and freeing myself from my obligations to you, especially against foes who I wish to kill.”

I waved away my Amazon bodyguard, then turned to my liaison with the Demon Lord. I didn't bother with her name. She was just Cell Phone-chan. Beyond communication ability, she could also fly, breathe fire, and could turn aside regular, sharpened steel by flexing her muscles. 10/10 would buy a new version every year and trade-in the old one. Unfortunately, that review is only if I work with her under her regular parameters, so I had to test my new means of communication thoroughly, before giving a review to the public that could be appreciated by the masses.

Who am I kidding?

Anyone who can have a dragon-girl would get a dragon-girl.

”What do I have here?” I had my suspicions, especially given the nature of the camp, but verification was key. ”I need numbers, types, and what they can do.”

Wow, that's one heck of a glare. It makes me feel like I'm rotten trash left on the gutter for seven… no… ten days. The composition of sneer, narrowed eyes, and slightly-flared nose on your face, Cell Phone-Chan, is incredible. I give it 54/100 Yukinoshita's. It might not sound like a passing grade, but only Yukinoshita has ever managed 100/100 Yukinoshita's. She's Yukinoshita, after all. The most Yukinoshita Yukinoshita to ever Yukinoshita. What a Yukinoshita. To even be half a Yukinoshita at being Yukinoshita is quite the accomplishment.

However, joke's on you, Cell Phone-chan.

I have power over you, even if you can crush my head into a pulp between your clawed forefinger and thumb.

”Talk or don't, but I don't need someone worthless in this room. Get out of here and get someone more willing, if you're not.” I'm very grateful that Demon Lord-chan provided me with a permanent warranty on Cell Phone-chan's. Truly, Monster Girl Incorporated is making strides in customer service that are revolutionizing the industry. Though, stockholders will surely question the need for such costly innovation, because their only competition is Asshole Associates who are, as the name suggests, assholes. ”Well?”

”The Royal Guard and Retinue are composed of the finest warriors and staff to accompany her majesty wherever she wishes. We are at full strength with five Wings of my kin, fifty of the finest warriors of the realms, and five hundred common soldiery who also double as staff.” So, it just takes the app a bit to start up. I won't dock points for it, or even complain, but if it happens again, I'll certainly complain. I might have paid nothing, but I deserve everything. Why? Because, I'm me. ”If you are deserving of your reputation, you will be more than capable of overturning the oncoming foe without breaking the Demon Lord's word.”

And, I don't care about what you say now. Go to sleep. I don't want you using any more mental power than you need to.

Obviously, you have a short battery life.

Five ”Wings” means 60 Dragon Girls. One Wing is usually enough to chew through a few divisions of slave-soldiers/me. Thousands of Hachiman's will die ignoble deaths against a single Wing, then the aforementioned Wing will fly back home, rest, recuperate, and come back the next day to burnt up a few thousand more Hachiman's. Poor Hachiman's, they've done nothing wrong, yet they're all dying ignoble deaths, so that better-equipped divisions could catch them while they're doing so and catch them unaware. How sad, Hikigaya Hachiman has made a tactic that involved the deaths of many Hachiman's to kill 12 Dragon Girls. How sad. How terrible. How Hachiman.

Eh, did I just use my own name as a slur?

”So, those five Wings are worthless.” I ignored Cell Phone-chan's outburst of surprise and indignity. I turned to my bodyguard. ”Do you remember my plans against centaurs?” My very-useful, capable, and morally-obligated-to-stay-with-me-forever bodyguard nodded. ”Get everyone who can move to start digging or making palisades. Cut down as many trees as you can without making an open plain. Turn upturned dirt into small slopes for cover.”

There was an outburst in the making from Cell Phone-chan, but I used a voice command to make her go ”silent.”

”You and your kin were the biggest problem to the entire Empire. So, I made sure to make as many tactics and strategies to deal with the lot of you.” My whole division was ”destroyed” by the Demon Lord and her Royal Guard of Dragons. That was an undeniable fact. That was why five divisions of actual, professional soldiery were being rushed to f_u_c_k us over. They were going to be armed and ready for Dragons and Little-Miss-Mass-Destruction. ”This is their chance to kill the enemy leader, several elite warriors they otherwise have no answer for, because they're not flying away and sacrificing troops to make sure they escape. Get it through your thick skull: even if the Empire loses tens of thousands of lives to kill you and your Empress, they win!”

Thus, with that Bad End condition in mind, I was going to continue my no-deaths, perfect run at the shittiest game to ever exist: life.

There was no way to remove that critical, complete weakness in my current situation. So, I'll at least make that weakness work for me. In my current stages of planning, all I saw was bait and the need to make a trap that could eat up ten thousand professional, specialized soldiers within a day's time, so that I can escape with my new boss and all the idiots she wanted to keep alive.

Nothing could be wasted.

Even proud, noble Dragon girls whose names I didn't bother to remember.

I eyed up Cell Phone-chan.

”Tell me, Captain of the Royal Guard, how fast and deep can you and yours dig?”

…

”It looks like a maze composed for slaughter.”

”No need for applause. I know that I'm great.” The fortifications were finished within the span of a day. Magic and magic-enhanced muscle carried the day, as it always did for monstergirls, and it showed outside of battle. True, I put my defeated, useless sacks of meat to work, i.e. my former soldiers, but most of the work was done by the Demon Lord's retinue and Royal Guard. Less than six hundred in total number, the quality of those present were just plain stupid. The cooking staff had a dozen monstergirls and they fed the whole operation, monstergirls and humans all, three healthy meals a day. Work that would've taken my troops five days was completed in one. Thankfully, they're all stupid, otherwise I'd be dead. ”Lead the enemy here, after dealing with the mages, and the rest die. That's all you need to do.”

The clearing that had been made into an encampment no longer existed. Earthworks, stone walls, and wood palisades now created defense in depth. Trenches were filled with pissed off, armed humans who wanted to crack the skulls of those enslaved them. Those who could shoot anything from a rock to an arrow had buckets of ammunition, commanding views of the battlefield, and cover. Monstergirls were formed into squadrons to hit locations that would get swamped with fighting. The tree line was ready to be set ablaze to stop any strategic flanking maneuvers. Then, there were a few surprises if things went badly.

Or, well.

If I made the effort to do something, it'd be a waste to not use it. I'm not sort of guy who keeps something ”just in case.” If money isn't used, then it's wasted. That's a for a regular, normal life. If I had a resource that I can use in battle, that I invested effort into getting, then it was going to get used. The best victory is always the overwhelming victory, after all. There's no such thing as a fight that could be won more thoroughly. How did the saying go in the American Sci-Fi movie?

Don't win one fight.

Win all the fights.

Yeah, the shota went insane and nearly completely genocided an alien species, but there's still lessons to be learned, especially when your opponents are morally defunct, terrible people.

”Granted power over those whom I rule, you still choose to fight without nobility and grace.” Roseanne's statement had me focus entirely on her. It was the same sort of focus someone would have when they found themselves next to a predator several dozen times larger than you. Thankfully, I didn't shit myself. All I did was break out in cold sweat. I could also still move. Not bad for a former Chuuni, if I do say so myself. ”Are you testing my patience, Hikigaya Hachiman? I'd asked for your utter best, the plans which gained you renown amongst the Empire and gave hope to those who were saved by my soldiers, and you have given me a slaughterhouse.”

Some would falter at such words.

More than a few would cry out about unfairness.

Many would just be silent.

Me?

”Yeah? What the f_u_c_k did you expect? If you don't like this plan, then you should've given me more to work with, lady.” With what I had, in terms of resources, manpower, and time, I'd made a slaughterhouse that would let little more than two thousand souls, even if six hundred of those were superhuman, the chance to fight against ten thousand, professional, magic-assisted veteran soldiers. ”I don't shit out miracles. You asked for me to do my best. This is my best with what I have.”

I expected ridicule, scorn, and maybe anger.

Actually, I'd have been pretty happy with any of those three, since it would mean the Roseanne was the easily-manipulable person I thought she was.

Instead, the red-haired Demon with pale skin and perfect features smiled at me. Her eyes curled, her teeth glittered, and a sigh that would've sent thousands of otakus groveling whilst holding their crotches left her lips.

What a scary bitch.

She just had me verify what she could always expect from me when she puts me in charge.

Again: what a scary bitch.

…

In shonen manga, there's a lot of romanticism that goes on around fights. People's backstories are told, the singular individual is put into the limelight, and every action and reaction has some sort of connection to some nobody's past.

And, all of that is true.

It's f_u_c_k_i_n_g horrifying.

Every single person on the battlefield has a special origin story. They are all special. What are the chances of being born? Being that one single, wriggly bastard punching through where all others failed, then going through all the inconsistencies of life with different others who all beat that one-in-a-million chance? Every single life is a culmination of thousands of probabilities, differences, and perfect situations that'll never happen again

My job is to snuff out those lives with absolute precision by spending lives myself.

I am good at it.

I introduced the Empire to warfare suited for them and saving my ass. Nothing more and nothing less. I told them to change, so that I could get what I needed on time, so that I wouldn't die. Better logistics, specialized corps, and fast reaction forces all helped the Empire on every front, but I gave it all to them so that their resources, manpower, and time could be better spent saving my ass.

With the Demon Lord, I wanted to win.

I wanted vengeance.

And, finally, I did want a lot of the Empire to die.

So, I introduced trench warfare against an opponent used to glory, cavalry, and artillery, while I had living tanks, gridded artillery locations, and tunnels filled with very angry, pissed off fanatics.

The results were to be expected.

The Empire went for magical bombardment to soften us up. The trenchline was deep and the few walls were spread out, so they held. Then, we counterattacked with our own artillery, who knew where to fire and already practiced. The Empire mages died, ours stayed alive, and forced the enemy to scatter, regroup under fire, and then look for targets.

The Empire's soldiers reformed under fire, because they were professionals. And, like professional soldiers, they set out to complete their objectives anyway. They sought out the Demon Lord and the mages, so they could end the war and avenge their fellows. Armored foot soldiers moved in pike formation, while armored knights mobilized around the flanks. Both found themselves against an entrenched position, where spears meant jack shit and horses even less, which surrounded the enemy artillery that they were still under fire from.

Retreating meant being fired upon by the Demon Lord.

Holding ground meant being fired upon by the Demon Lord.

Charging into seemingly-undermanned, if intimidating defenses would seem to be the only option.

So, charge they did.

Little less than ten thousand men, decked out in magical arms and armor, against some stones, dirt, and wood defenses staffed by barely any people from what they saw, which had already been worked over by their mages, before their untimely demise.

It was a slim chance of victory, but it was a chance, so they charged.

They charged into bow, sling, and javelin fire. They charged into long spikes being raised from mud. They charged into mounds of dirt that erupted and revealed Dragon Knights ready to split skulls and breath fire. The forest they charged from caught fire. Suddenly they were trapped in a muddy inferno and the only place they could escape to was filled with tribal warriors with grudges and who were very, very good with axes and clubs.

Protagonists died.

Sub-characters died.

Villains died.

All from different stories with different plots and different lives, but in the end they all died.

That was that.

...

1.4

...

There's nothing worse than having a boss that knows what you're completely capable of. Why? Because, when you have a subordinate that's reliant on you for everything in their life, you effectively have complete power over them. When you have complete power over someone, then you expect them to do their best, because that's what you plan them to do.

I speak from experience, of being the leader of a whole division of slave soldiers, and wasting a lot of lives being a f_u_c_kup at the start.

The undeniable fact is that even though humans are industrious creatures that'll curl up and die without stimulus or anything to do, they still need to rest, recuperate, and sharpen their skills. Even if that skill is getting reports done, or moving up the corporate ladder, and not killing monster girls to stay alive… a human being caught in a rut can only exhaust themselves, lose their way, and become utterly, completely useless trash that eats up revenue you allocated towards a prized worker.

They can't be pushed too hard, but still need to be pushed, and they can never be allowed to be completely, utterly comfortable either.

My new boss was a Demon Lord, raised from birth to be a perfect leader, and loved by all of her subordinates. Not only is she feared by an Empire that kidnaps people from other dimensions and harvests her people for ingredients, she managed to use just her Royal Guard and auxiliaries to capture a whole DIVISION of soldiers without casualities on the front lines of a f_u_c_k_i_n_g war. Her subordinates would all die for her, talking ill of her gets you f_u_c_k_e_d over, and she's pretty and healthy to boot.

A f_u_c_k_i_n_g degenerate, self-insert character like her won't have the weakness of being a bad boss.

I completely, utterly expected for the rest of my life to be as someone who'd be used and utilized. Whatever I was going to receive in payment for my work was going to be exactly what I needed, in order to achieve results just within the farthest realm of my ability to accomplish.

In short, I was f_u_c_k_e_d. Now I was an essential piece on a massive chessboard. And, naturally, in chess the essential pieces are essential because of what they can do before they need to be tossed away or sacrificed for complete victory. It's certainly better than being a corporate wage-slave, since I was more than a cog in a machine, but the fact remained that I was known by the people I was going to fight, those supporting me had high expectations, and I had more responsibilities to shake a stick at.

Not going to lie, it's still a leg up on being slave with an explosive collar, though.

…

Food was the one thing I could appreciate in this shitty fantasy. Cuisines of humans from many dimensions transferred over the course of the centuries-long war. It's not a surprise that quite a few Japanese ended up here, mostly from the Warring States period, and enlightened people to the wonders of rice, soy sauce, and good cooking. The same was true for other civilizations, but the fact that I could get miso soup for breakfast, with rice and fish, was something that I cared about more than having Fantasy Meat.

That was only due to the fact I was with the ”good guys” of the setting, of course.

The Empire sent grain, meat, and pickled vegetables to the front.

And, encouraged the eating of Monstergirl parts that weren't for magical use or valuable

I kicked out the cannibals in my division, or had them valiantly perform their duties on the front lines.

Very exceptional valiant duties.

Heh.

”Whenever you smile as you do, I've learned to be afraid.” Cell Phone-chan took a seat in front of me. While I was enjoying my miso soup, rice, and grilled fish for breakfast, the Dragon-girl was chowing down a trough of grilled meat. As a precaution against thievery and underhandedness, I brought my food closer to myself. The charging rate for Cell Phone-chan was expensive and I didn't want my food disappearing into the void. Blackholes for stomachs are cute, until you have to defend your food against them. ”Forgive me for asking, but what are you so pleased about, Hikigaya-dono?”

Tch, all the monstergirls have been like this since I won the battle. I was being treated with honor, respect, and loyalty, despite treating them the same way before, during, and after the battle. All the admiration and praise was getting on my nerves, especially when I wanted to do without it. Dealing with scorn and disdain is a lot easier, especially when I knew that people thought less of me. I hate having high expectations to live up to, as well as having to pick out who was just hiding what they really felt about me.

”F_u_c_k off. It's too early for questions.” See, my response ought to have had Cell Phone-chan scoff, walk away, or hit me. Maybe even all three. However, none of that happened. Instead, the dragongirl laughed and shook her head.

I already knew what she thought, so I didn't ask because I wanted to avoid conversation, but she spoke aloud anyone.

”I agree. Silence in the morning is a blessing. My mother missed it quite a bit when we were born, as she told me and my siblings.” Blah, Blah, Blah, Boring backstory without purpose. Cell Phone-chan, I understand that you've been working for me for several weeks, but you'll always, only be Cell Phone-chan to me. You're not even a Smartphone. Just a Cell Phone. That's not a great comparison between two things from a Japanese young man's point of view, lady. I can't even waste my life away on .png pictures of anime girls on you. ”Did you have siblings of your own, before you were taken from your world by the Empire?”

Holy f_u_c_k.

Forget Cell-Phone.

You're now Brick-chan.

”Great and now I don't feel like eating. Thanks a lot, you ins_e_n_s_i_t_i_v_e, flying lizard.” The miso, rice, and fish were all good. There's no denying the fact that I was enjoying Japanese cuisine of relatively high quality. However, was it made for me by my little sister, who I used to eat breakfast with everyday? That woke up one day alone in a house bereft of anyone else? That's not even thinking about anyone else besides Komachi. ”Yes. I did. She was the best little sister an older brother could ask for. And, she and I used to eat breakfast and dinner together everyday.”

Tch, would she even recognize me, if I got back? Not that there was a way back, because why the heck would the Empire care about its meatshields. However, as useless as the question was to consider, I had to wonder if my family would recognize me. The years weren't kind, even though I kept all my parts and pieces, I was definitely something that would be refurbished before being put back on the market. Burns, cuts, and other injuries that disfigured were the norm. I was lucky to just have a scar instead of a right cheek, when most people who fought Manticores lost their heads. There was also the fact that, even though I was in one piece, I wasn't exactly a school boy going to university.

As badass as it sounds to have your youth taken by war, it's actually pretty f_u_c_k_i_n_g shit.

”I'm… sorry. I'd thought it would inspire you against the Empire further.”

”Well, it didn't. So, give me some of your food and eat mine, because I can't eat it without remembering now.” Brick-chan thankfully had enough braincells to do what she's asked. How someone that thought the way she did got into Roseanne's retinue was beyond me. Wait, no, that's a lie. I understood perfectly why a simple-minded, strong person would be recruited by Roseanne. Like I'd already inferred, she was a Brick that was thrown at opponents or valiantly held the line. Hopefully, for Brick-chan's case, it would be the latter. ”So, what do you really want to talk about? Who told you to talk to me? Why? Because, I don't believe for a second that you'd actually spend time with me if you had to.”

Politics and intrigue wasn't my strong suit. Or rather, I didn't have practice in it and it's impossible to have any practice with all the eyes on me at all times. Back when I was fighting for the Empire, I didn't have to worry about politics and intrigue. A smart slave is just a smart slave. I dealt with any challenges to my leadership the easy way: setting lose my bodyguard Amazon on anyone who didn't like me. I either didn't matter or my bodyguard's big, giant cleaver did the talking. The rest of the time, I just spent my day thinking about ways not to die the next battle, which took up a lot of time.

”...The captain of the Royal Guard wants to know more of you, especially now that the Demon Lord wishes for us to protect you as we would protect her.”

”Protect? Pfft, you mean watch my every move.” Looking after someone goes both ways. Roseanne might have phrased it in a way that got her affection points from her medley of Bricks, but protecting someone requires constant attention on Party A by Party B. Asking me to be protected by a bunch of Dragons, who've spent their whole lives learning to look for danger and anything strange, is just shy of reaching the level of having an explosive collar around my neck. ”And, here I was thinking that I'd get some freedom after being freed, but it looks like you all just pretend to be different.”

I took a piece of fantasy meat and ate it.

More spicy, hotter, and fresher than usual, but it tasted like slavery as per usual.

I managed to give it a few good chews before being punched.

…

”I see that your charms have wooed yet another woman.” Ur spoke coldly, cleanly, and with a smile, while I held a hunk of ice against my face. The tiny, toned terror had a war axe larger than me on her back, but she walked with utter ease. I'd like to say that while she was talented in the warrior aspects of this isekai's magic, I was good at the regular, blasty form of magic. That would be a lie, though. I'm shit at both. There's no balance in real life. Only measures of unfairness and chasms between those who have talent and those who do not. ”Do you seriously believe that if you are repulsive enough, that the Demon Lord would leave you to your own devices, instead of keeping you in her plans, Hachiman?”

”Those are some big words for bait. Maybe, if you try hard enough, I'll start to think you have a brain instead of muscle between your ears.” I fired back, but the smirk on Ur's face told me that my counterattack wasn't very effective. I suppose that coming from a tribal society, she was more well-versed in strong-arm politics than I was. If the chief of a tribe knew what you can do, and if what you threatened to be wasn't bad enough, they'll put you where they want you. Curse my modern sensibilities, they're keeping me trapped in jobs I don't want! ”Tch. F_u_c_k it. How many have you scared off to go live actual, decent lives instead of being idiots?”

Currently, Roseanne's plans for me was to bring me back to the Capital. On the way there, we dealt with bandits, actual monsters, and other little things. And, by ”we,” I meant me. Every little thing I was doing was being spread across the whole of the Demon Lord's vast country. Yes, while I could be a shitty person in my immediate surroundings, my boss was waging a full-on publicity campaign for me for every good deed I'm doing by her orders. While I can harass Brick-chan, be a piece of shit, and otherwise just laze around camp when I'm not finding ways to not die, her minstrels, envoys, and whoever else listens to her spreads her word far and wide.

Obviously, I was being set up for something big.

”A few who have been seduced by some of the camp have left, along with some who had relations with one another in the division.” Oh, goody, the Riajuus are all gone to live peaceful, living lives with their significant others. Come back this instant. Let the loners with nowhere to go leave and find love. You already have love, so stay with me and die in whatever convuluted shitshow I'm going to end up in! ”Those who are staying believe that the only way to victory in this world is by following you.”

”Tell them they're a bunch of idiots, then. I'm trapped here, but they don't need to be, dammit!” I replaced my piece of ice with another. It was exhausting to conjure up a piece of ice the size of my fist, but I'd learned it so that I wouldn't have to worry about shitty water in medieval times. With all my daily practice with magic over the last couple years, I am feared for my ability to make cold puddles. Yeah, things like Heal, Fireball, and other awesome, basic magic skills are for people with talent that get picked up by the Empire to be trained and sent elsewhere. ”Bully them if you have to. They're free now, so they'll leave because they have an actual choice.”

”You are a fool if you believe such a thing, but I will try.” Ur shook her head and sighed. Oi, what's up with those words? Do you actually expect me to believe that I'm the MC and you're an important side character? Well, the truth is that we're both tertiary side characters who die in a few chapters in another person's story. The only way out is with a ritual involving either a rope or a knife. Wow, that's a lot more morbid than I thought. Hachiman-kun, are you okay? ”However, please keep in mind, that If you were less obvious about your continuous attempts to make others frustrated, so that we would not find ourselves on another battlefield, you would make my job much easier.”

”...I'm not that obvious.” And, ignoring my glorious acting skills, most of my troops are idiots. The Empire recruited from a multitude of different worlds, implementing Mass Isekai protocols to the absolute maximum according to certain specifications, to have an endless well of slave-power to draw from. They looked for magic and brawn. Brains weren't searched for because the Empire believed they had plenty. Suffice to say, if I fooled the Empire for so long, then I should be able to fool my troops and my new boss with a little more effort. ”Just go get rid of as much of them as possible, okay? There's no need to think too much. That's my job. Now, get going.”

Ur left with a single nod, while I was left to ponder my next move.

More specifically, how was I going to be an asshole and make a political tragedy today?

...