Chapter 99 (2/2)

Nevertheless, Lifa believed that this relation was wrong, she believed it was wrong that Erica was lying about her own feelings out of consideration for the intentions of Harold, who did not want to be approached and who was reducing his lifespan yet was still going forward despite the fact that he was at risk of death.

Lifa was fully aware that human relations were the problem of the concerned parties and no one else’s, however, she was also certain that Erica would be very deeply wounded upon Harold’s eventual and inevitable death if things still stood as they were by then. Overlooking the situation would be absolutely wrong for Lifa, not as only as Erica’s friend, but also as a human being.

【”That means you know that he’ll do anything for his goals, right?”]

【”Yes, I’m well aware.”]

Erica had known Harold since childhood. It wasn’t clear when she had developed her feelings for him, but she had likely had to see him quite often in order reach that point.

Perhaps that what why it seemed like she could not see any of his flaws and her respect for him was beyond absolute. And, when thinking about it, Harold really was a great person. It was not strange to think that of him for someone who had witnessed his accomplishments from up close.

Moreover, Lifa believed that this applied all the more to people who were wise enough to understand how difficult it had been for Harold to do everything he had done.

However, Erica was overestimating him. No matter how great he was, there was a limit to how much one man could accomplish by himself.

Yet, despite this, Erica had faith in every single one of Harold’s decisions. Hence why she unconditionally acted the way he would want her to. But that was far past the point of trust, it was simply blind belief.

【”Sure, Harold is very capable and I believe he’s a man who can pull off what no normal person can do. But he’s only human, just like us. So it only makes sense that even he can be wrong and make mistakes at times, right?”]

【”…This is hard to hear.”]

【”I think you’re a person who can calmly think things through, Erica, so you should understand my point. I might be saying something you’re already aware of, but it seems to me like you’ve been desperately trying to better yourself because you don’t want to be a burden on him.”]

【”I am… I have no confidence in myself.”]

Saying that, Erica showed a self-mocking smile.

“It doesn’t suit her.” Thought Lifa to herself upon seeing Erica in that state.

【”Can I really help Harold-sama? …How could I ever be confident about such a thing?”]

The two girls switched their roles in the conversation; this time, Erica was the one who started talking.

She began speaking of her life, while offering Lifa a glimpse into Harold’s past at the same time.

◇

(Erica’s Pov)

【”I first met Harold-sama eight years ago, I was ten years old back then.”]

It was because she had been engaged to him due to political reasons that Erica had gotten the chance to know about Harold Stokes’ existence. In those days, she had understood the position she was in, and although she way in no way completely enthusiastic about her engagement, she had accepted that there was no going around it.

She had been trying to believe that, as the feudal lord’s daughter, it was only natural for her to marry Harold if that could improve the people’s living conditions.

Thinking about it now, Erica felt like she would not have been able to keep herself from being displeased if she had become related to the Stokes family, given their discriminatory doctrines.

However, the boy who had suddenly become Erica’s fiance had come up with a drug that could suppress the effects of the miasma that was spreading diseases in the Sumeragi territory. In addition, the Sumeragi family only had to pay for the materials and the manufacturing process, the boy had practically offered the drug against no compensation.

Although he himself had insisted that he was just selling them a favor, he should not have needed to do such a thing since, back then, the Sumeragi family had already been in a position where they were being supported by the Stokes family.

At that point in time, Erica’s impression of Harold had risen considerably.

【”However, because of a certain matter, I started utterly detesting Harold-sama back then.”]

【”A certain matter?”]

Erica hesitated a little before talking, but she still started speaking about the matter.

Starting from Lifa, everyone who was present here already knew what kind of man Harold truly was, so there was no problem. In Colette’s case, she had even played a major role in the case that Erica was about to speak of.

【”At the time, there was a story circulating in the Stokes family’s territory about how Harold-sama had murdered one of his mansion’s employees together with her daughter. And so, I asked him whether that rumor was true. “]

Even now, Erica could still remember asking Harold while wishing that those gossips were completely groundless.

But Harold had crushed her wish and confirmed the rumors.

【”All he said was ‘I killed them because they were getting on my nerves’, and ‘They’re my servants, I’m perfectly free to kill them or let them live on a whim’. He also insulted them, saying that servants were an inferior species.”]

Back then, Erica had felt both rage and despair. Being still young, she had found herself unable to manage those intense feelings, not knowing how to blow off her anger.

【”However, his objective was actually to make me believe that. In reality, thanks to Harold-sama’s doing, the servant and her daughter had both survived and escaped from the Stokes family’s territory.”]

He had deceived his parents, he had prepared the path and means of escape of the mother and daughter, and he had given them a large amount of money, enough so that they would not be troubled in their new life.

On top of that, to this day, he had kept on bearing the stigma of a murderer just so that he could give full priority to the safety of the attendant and her daughter.

【”…That really sounds like something Harold would do.”]

【”Indeed it does, and I eventually came to know about that.”]

Harold’s strength, grandeur, and kindness.

When Erica noticed those traits, it had already been too late.

【”I see. And all these elements were more than enough for you to fall in love with him, huh.”]

【”Yes, by the time I became aware of it, it was already too late.”]

Well, at first, she had been restraining herself due to her guilty conscience and she had been unable allow herself to actually think that she had fallen in love with him, nevertheless, there was no doubt that that whole matter with the servant and her daughter was the main reason why Erica came to see Harold in a good light.

【”He is always working himself absurdly hard, so I have been doing what I can in order to reduce his burden, even if only a little.”]

So as not to worry Harold needlessly, Erica had continued to take on the attitude he wanted her to take. She had also been training herself intensively in the use of healing magic, so as to be able to heal him in case he would ever suffer from a big injury.

In order to be able to keep up with him, she had not only studied how to conduct herself in the noble society and how to manage a territory properly, but she also studied various other fields to broaden her knowledge. Moreover, so that she would not need to be protected, she had improved her attack magic, her archery, and her martial art skills.

【”….However, thinking about it now, I was just taking a passive attitude.”]

If Erica did not want to worry Harold, she should have faced him directly so that the two of them would have been able to understand each other, then she could have put her efforts into building some trust with him, to eventually ask him what role he really wanted her to play. Had she done that, perhaps Harold would not have suffered from such serious wounds on that day.

Because, no matter how much she had polished herself, it was meaningless if Harold deemed that he did not need her. And given his personality, it was obviously very unlikely that he would come by himself to the conclusion that she was necessary to him.

Yet the moment he would start thinking “I need her”, he would lose the choice of walking away, and the only option left for him would be to find a compromise with her.

『Watch over him to see what he’s trying to achieve, support him, stay close to him, and you’ll become able to truly understand him.』

Those were the words that Erica had been offered by her father. She had been putting a lot of effort into accomplishing that, but she was now fully realizing that she had completely failed.

Was she watching over Harold? No, she was only looking at him from a distance.

Was she supporting him? No.

Had she stayed close to him in difficult times? No, Harold did not want that.

Was she able to understand why he was putting himself in so much risk? No, she did not know what he was thinking.

Things had taken an awful turn. And the fact that Harold did no want Erica to help was no excuse.

It was by going against Harold’s own intentions that Lifa had earned his trust. If Erica really had been thinking of Harold’s well-being, wouldn’t she also have faced him with her true feelings and opinions, no matter how much he rejected her?

The only reason she could not do that was nothing more than the fact that she did not have the courage to do it. Due to her fear of being rejected and her desire to protect herself, she was unable to take a single step forward.

She had been running away from the very beginning, avoiding to actually face Harold, clinging on the uncertain hope that perhaps one day, he would be the one to reach out to her.

【”How shameful of me…”]

If she kept thinking back to her past mistakes, she would never be done. Perhaps things would have taken a different turn if Erica had clearly said what she had been thinking when she had taken Harold’s hand on that boat in the town of Kablan.

But even then, she had been too afraid.

She had only been able to jokingly say “No matter how much of a sinner you are, I’m willing to accept you――Well, that’s probably what my brother would tell you”.

Would she ever be able to get over her fear of getting hurt and to reach a compromise with Harold?

Lifa was able to do it, but Erica simply could not, that was the difference between them. And this made Erica realize that, in the end, her feelings did not amount to much.

So there was no way she could be confident in herself. She had yet to do a single thing for Harold.

She believed that all her hard work had no meaning since she had only done it to satisfy herself.

And, above all, she hated herself for speaking about the matter concerning Clara and Colette despite having vowed to keep that secret sealed in her heart until the day Harold would be willing to tell her about it upfront.

Due to Lifa’s words, Erica was being completely overwhelmed by her own cumulated foolishness.

【”Erica…”]

It seemed like Lifa wanted to cheer Erica up but she did not know what to say.

However, that only served to make Erica feel more and more ashamed for imposing her own troubles on others. She felt like the least she could do now was to behave as usual.

【”Forgive me for complaining like this. Well then, you should go get some rest Lifa-san, it’s getting late.”]

【”But….”]

【”Don’t worry about me, I am fine.”]

Afterwards, the two of them continued to have similar back and forths, until Lifa finally gave in and entered the tent while still worrying about Erica.

Having been left on her own, Erica was staring at the campfire that was still burning. However, for some reason, she was not feeling any warmth from it. Even after she threw twigs inside the fire and strengthened it, there was no change.

‘Ah, maybe that’s what having a broken heart feels like’ She thought, as if this was someone else’s problem.

【”…I’m not worthy of being by your side.”]

Then, she finally let these words out. Until now, she had been stopping those words rom coming out of her mouth over and over again, to the point where they were very deeply imprinted in her mind.

After that, tears gathered inside Erica eyes until they started falling. The only warmth she was able to feel at the moment was from the tears that were running down her cheeks.

However, that warmth was reminiscent of the deep affection and love that she felt for Harold, and she was afraid, afraid that those feelings were flowing out of her endlessly as she continued to weep quietly, until the sun started rising in the sky.

Translator’s note: Next chapter, we’ll see how things are going on Harold’s side, so do look forward to it! ?

As for my other projects, sorry for the delays and all, death flags is my priority and I really did not expect the author to release the chapters this week, sorry about that, I’ll get back to translating them starting tomorrow.

Anyway, I hope you’ll have a great day and I’ll see you in the coming days!