Part 3 (1/2)

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”No,” he whispered. Then his large, brown eyes looked up at me. He opened his mouth to say something to me. I waited for something - a sound, a word, and a nod - anything to a.s.sure me.

”Nicholas!”

Jack called out to him from the doorway behind me. I froze in fear. Nick turned away from me and started picking up his room as Jack entered. Jack stared down at me and then looked at Nick. He put one hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. I wouldn't warm up to him. I tensed in anger, and he let me go. He started toward Nicholas.

”I didn't mean to hurt you like that. Oh, look at you, you're bleeding. I'm sorry, son. I'll clean that up for you in the shower. Why don't you come on in there with me so that I can help you?” He smiled at Nicholas.

I wanted to tell him no. I wanted to tell him to get out and leave us alone, but I couldn't. Nicholas nodded at Jack and said he'd take a shower with him so that Jack could help him clean up. Jack left the room with a sympathetic smile. I wasn't fooled. I told Nick that he didn't have to go if he didn't want to.

”I have to,” he said.

That was the end of that conversation. I had to let it go. I hated myself for leaving. My plan to protect them was failing.

”What were you trying to do, Kristen?” I heard a voice creep into my thoughts.

I opened my eyes, just realizing that they were closed. I saw Mom and Dr. Cuvo standing over my bed. I was in the cold hospital room with the thin, white blanket over me. I must've fallen asleep while they had been in the hallway talking. I started to feel crowded in with the two of them hovering.

”What? What did you say?” I asked Mom.

She had crocodile tears in her eyes. It was all an act.

”I talked to Dr. Cuvo. I know about the other day, and how you had banged your wrists,” she said. ”Dr. Cuvo says that it is best that you go to Bent Creek Hospital. You are not well enough to go home with me. I agree with Dr. Cuvo.”

”Do you know what Bent Creek is, Kristen?” Dr. Cuvo asked.

I nodded at him, angry, not wanting to talk or see him or Mom anymore. I wanted to be dead. Away, asleep, somewhere, anywhere but here would have been better than the two of them hovering over me. Suddenly I heard the door open. The nurse from my first day in the hospital walked into the room. She said that it was time to change my bandages and that she would help me get cleaned up. Relief washed over me.

Dr. Cuvo did not leave without shaking my hand. He a.s.sured me that he'd be back tomorrow. Mom gave me a kiss and said that she'd be back tomorrow too, and that we were going to talk. She a.s.sured me that she was not angry with me. She said that she loved me. Then, she and Dr. Cuvo left me alone with the nurse.

When they were gone, I looked up at the nurse, thanking her slightly with a smile. It was the first time I had smiled in a long time. The nurse returned the smile kindly.

She was careful and gentle while she changed my bandages. It was strange to have someone cleaning me like I was a baby. But I knew that I wouldn't be able to wash my own body for a while. Not only because I couldn't bathe myself without getting my st.i.tches wet, but also because I couldn't look down at the horror on my wrists.

I thought deeply about the things that I had done to get myself here. I thought about how much I had screwed up. I thought about my family and the family I used to have. It seemed like it was right for me to breathe and smile at some point in my life. Then everything had just burst to pieces. There had been more downs than ups. But there had been a point when things were up. Then things had fallen back down, slowly at first, and then more quickly. Things had rapidly turned from chaos and confusion to just plain old misery that had made life terrible. It had even been scary sometimes. I was still scared. Just thinking about it horrified me.

I shuddered at the frigid air as the nurse began to undress me. I was sad as the nurse washed me, because I knew that it would have to be like this for a while.

I wanted to be on this type of rollercoaster: Life. I always remembered the fun rollercoasters. The ones that turned you through seemingly endless and almost horrifying tunnels, and yet they were fun. You never wanted them to end, and when they did, you're either ready to ride another one or ride the same one again. Nevertheless, the rollercoaster of Life was never ending until your dying day.

CHAPTER 4.

The next afternoon, Mom and Dr. Cuvo kept true to their word. Dr. Cuvo was the first one I saw. He came in with my chart and his usual smile. When Dr. Cuvo said that it was time to go, Mom was ready to bring me to Bent Creek herself, but Dr. Cuvo said that, by law, the police or an ambulance had to escort me to the psychiatric hospital.

Mom said she'd meet us at Bent Creek. She took my suitcase with her. She wanted to drive over to Bent Creek in her car. I was glad because I knew it would be awkward for her to ride with me in a police car or an ambulance. I didn't even remember seeing her in the ambulance on the night I had been rushed to the hospital. She had been holding onto Nicholas to keep him away. I got lost in my thoughts of that night. I must have had a strange look on my face because Dr. Cuvo asked if I was all right.

”Yes,” I lied.

”Have you eaten?” Dr. Cuvo asked.

”Yes, I ate,” I said as I looked away from his eyes.

We walked down the hallway, followed by the plainly-dressed police officer. The police officer was going to take me to Bent Creek. I began to feel sick inside. That feeling of death came over me. It felt strange to have a police officer following me. I felt like everyone in the hospital was staring at me, as if they knew where I was going and why. My face flushed, and I felt a little dizzy. I tried to keep my head down and stare at my own feet as I walked so that they could not see my eyes. These were my consequences for being so useless and stupid.

”Kristen?”

I looked up at Dr. Cuvo. We stopped and waited for the elevator.

”If there's anything you need from me while at Bent Creek, I can always be contacted. We will have visits every day. I want you to use this time to the best of your ability to try to let me help you work things out.”

I stayed silent and nodded at him. What was taking that elevator so long? I looked over at the exit sign that led to the stairs. I wondered if I could make a break for it. The police officer waved his finger at me like he knew what I was thinking. I rolled my eyes at him and looked back at Dr. Cuvo.

Finally, the elevator arrived. We took it down to the lobby and made our way to the exit. When we were outside, the police officer said that he had to get his car, so Dr. Cuvo and I waited for him. Dr. Cuvo suddenly laughed. I was lost in my thoughts, and his laughter startled me. I looked up at him, confused.

”So what do you think of our rent-a-cop?”

He wasn't funny. Nothing was funny. I turned away from him, still angry inside.

”Kristen...”

”Why didn't I just die?” I heard myself say. When I realized I had spoken aloud, I covered my mouth with my right hand.

Dr. Cuvo had heard me.

”There's a reason for everything,” he responded. In a situation like this, the reason is not what's important. The point is that you are here. Your brother found you, your mother called 911 in time, and you were saved. You've come a long way, Kristen. Think about that. I learned about how your heart stopped twice because you had lost so much blood, and now you are standing here on your feet just a couple of weeks later. That says a whole lot about you. You're a fighter, whether you like it or not. That is what's going to get you through this. I know you will get through this. You're too strong not to.”

I blushed inside. I had never seen myself the way he had just described me. However, I knew that he was wrong. I wasn't strong. I was weak and useless. I didn't know how to feel about what he had said, but I did know that I felt strange. I didn't want him to see that.

I kept my back towards him, wis.h.i.+ng he'd shut up, because the police officer was pulling up in a gray Sedan. The police officer got out as Dr. Cuvo was patting my back. I cringed and took two steps away from him. He was only trying to be kind. I knew it, but I didn't want to accept it.

The police officer opened the door for me. I climbed into the back seat.

Before he shut the door, I asked Dr. Cuvo, ”Was it my Mom?”

”What?”

”Was it my Mom who told you to make me go to Bent Creek, just like she called the ambulance for me to come here?” I asked.

”Yes,” he answered. ”She signed you into our care to help you. She didn't do it to hurt you, Kristen.”

I nodded. ”So, it's up to her whether or not I can go home?” I started to feel hopeless. Mom would probably let them keep her troubled, messed up, useless child forever. Lock me up and throw away the key. I didn't blame her.

”No, it's up to you, since this is your life,” Dr. Cuvo said as the police officer started up the vehicle. Dr. Cuvo stuck out his hand to me and we shook. ”I'll see you tomorrow.”

Dr. Cuvo closed the car door and I headed off to my prison chambers.