Part 33 (2/2)
”Loved any one _before_? I should think I had!” he replied. ”Who has n't?”
”I have not,” said Tilly,
d.i.c.ky was quite prepared for this.
”I meant men--not girls,” he said. ”Girls are different. Not that some of them don't fall in and out of love rather easily, but they only do it as a sort of pleasant emotional exercise. The average male lover, however youthful, means business all the time. Quite right, too! It is a healthy masculine instinct for an Englishman to want to found a household of his own just as soon as he grows up. But it is this very instinct which often sends him after the wrong girl. He is full of natural affection and sentiment, and so on, and he wants some one to pour it out upon. So he picks out the first nice girl he meets, endows her in his mind with all the virtues, and tries to marry her. Usually it comes to nothing--the girl sees to that; for she is gifted by nature with a power of selection denied to men--and in any case it is hardly likely that he will meet the right girl straight off. So he goes on seeking for his mate, this child of nature, in a groping, instinctive sort of way, until at last he finds his pearl of great price. Then he sells all that he has, which being interpreted means that he straightway forgets all about every other girl he ever knew, and loves his Pearl forever and ever. Therefore, Tilly, if ever a man comes to you and tells you that you are the only girl he ever loved, trust him not. It is not likely. It is against nature.”
”A girl likes to believe it, all the same, dear,” answered Tilly, voicing an age-long truth.
”I don't see why she should,” argued the ingenious d.i.c.ky. ”It is no compliment to be loved by a man who has had no experience. Now _I_ can love and appreciate you properly, because I am able to compare you with about”--he counted upon his fingers, finally having recourse to a supplementary estimate on his waistcoat-b.u.t.tons--”with about fourteen other ladies, of all ages, whom I have admired at one time and another; and can unhesitatingly place you in Cla.s.s One, Division One, all by your own dear self, so far as they are concerned. Is n't that something?”
But Tilly was not quite satisfied.
”I should like to feel,” she said, instinctively giving utterance to that point of view which makes a woman's love such an intensely personal and jealously exacting thing in comparison with a man's, ”that you could never have been happy with any woman in the world but me. Could you, d.i.c.ky?”
d.i.c.ky pondered.
”It depends,” he said, ”on what you mean by happy. Our measure of happiness, it seems to me, depends entirely on what we _have_ compared with what we want. If I had never met you, I could never have missed you; and so I dare say I might have settled down happily enough--or what I considered happily enough--with some other girl. But that is impossible now. I have met you, you see. If I were to lose you”--Tilly caught her breath sharply--”no one else could ever take your place.
Love like ours makes all subst.i.tutes tasteless and colourless, as they say in chemical laboratories. You have raised my standard of love so high that no one but yourself can ever attain to it. So,” concluded the philosopher, with a smile which brought more happiness and rea.s.surance into Tilly's heart than all the laborious logic-chopping in the world could have done, ”though I don't know that I never _could_ have been happy with any one but you, I can truly say this, that I never _can_ be happy with any one but you. It's merely a matter of the difference between two conditional sentences, that's all.”
But a girl talking with her lover is not interested in points of syntax.
”And will you go on loving me?” asked Tilly, putting a small but unerring finger upon the joint in d.i.c.ky's harness.
d.i.c.ky glanced down upon the eager, wistful face beside him, and smiled whimsically.
”Madam,” he said, ”your fears are groundless.”
”How do you know?” enquired Madam, convinced in her heart, but anxious to be rea.s.sured.
”Because,” said d.i.c.ky simply, ”you love me. You have said it. Don't you see how that binds me to you? The mere fact of your love for me makes mine for you imperishable. The moment a man discovers that the woman he loves loves him in return, he is hers, body and soul. Previous to that something has held him back. Pride--reserve--caution--call it what you like--it _has_ held him back. He has not let himself go _utterly_.
After all, we can only give of our best once in this life, and usually some instinct inside us makes us refuse to surrender that best, however prodigal we may have been of the inferior article, until we know that we are going to get the best in return.” d.i.c.ky was talking very earnestly now. ”I have been keeping my best for you all these years, little maid, though neither of us knew it. Such as it is, you have it. That is why I _know_ I can never go back on you. Besides, what man worthy of the name could let a girl down, once she had abandoned her reserve--her beautiful woman's reserve--and confessed her great secret to him? Why, I once nearly married a girl whom I could not stand at any price, just because the little idiot gave herself away one day when we were alone together.”
”Why should you have married her,” asked single-minded, feminine Tilly wonderingly, ”if you did n't love her?”
”It seemed so mean not to,” said d.i.c.ky.
Tilly nodded her head gravely.
”Yes,” she said, ”I think I understand.” (As a matter of fact, she did not. To her, as to most women, such a quixotic piece of folly as that to which d.i.c.ky had just confessed was incomprehensible. But she desired to please her lover.) ”It was like you to do it, but I hate the girl.
I expect she was a designing minx. But go on, dear. Go on convincing me. I love it. Say it over and over again.”
”Say what?” enquired d.i.c.ky, who was not aware that he had been saying anything unusual.
”Pearls, and things like that,” replied Tilly shyly.
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