Part 14 (2/2)

Stress One Now.

Don't you just love when you call a business to talk to somebody . . . to tell them your issue, your problem . . . to get that little ”personal touch” . . . and instead, you get that Stephen Hawking digitized voice that lets you know it's a computer-automated operator?

Those robot operators (roboperators) . . . I hate them.

I can understand why they have them. Not only does it save costs in this bottom-line economy, but I suppose a lot of calls that come in are so easy to categorize that a live body doesn't need to sort out the subtleties of what callers want. If you want to make a reservation, you press one now. To cancel, press two. Fine.

Oh, come on now. You know this is just because they don't want to have to hire another person and have to pay them.

And doesn't it seem that, most times, not even one of the options they offer applies in any way in any way to what you called to do? What if I don't want to make a reservation? . . . Or cancel one? What if I want to find out if there is a car rental desk at the hotel? Or if the noisy building demolition across the street is still going on? to what you called to do? What if I don't want to make a reservation? . . . Or cancel one? What if I want to find out if there is a car rental desk at the hotel? Or if the noisy building demolition across the street is still going on?

Sometimes you get into those automated systems and it's like getting shot down some Rube Goldberg (no relation) chute into a maze of electronic twists, turns, and dead ends. It's especially nutty when the voice recognition technology isn't up to snuff and it can't understand what you are saying.

”If you are a current customer, say 'yes.' ”

”No.”

”So to confirm, you are a current customer, correct? If so, say yes.”

”No.”

”Good. I'll connect you to current customer relations. Your wait time is approximately . . . horty-hoo inutes horty-hoo inutes.” That's robot speak for ”grab a comfy chair.”

”But wait, I don't want-”

Click. And then you're enjoying the Soft Hits of the 70s.

Gaah!

If they're going to use these systems, they've got to get it together. How many times does the digital sweetheart ask you to input your account number, enter the date of purchase . . . and your middle school shoe size . . . only to have the live, warm body that finally comes on the line ask you for the exact same information all over again?!

Gaah! Gaah!

Since this is the wave of the future, rather than fight it and have steam come out my ears every time I call a business, I have learned to amuse myself with a little head game. It's simple. All you have to do every time you hear one of the little prompts of marketing bull, is to say the opposite in the operator's perky DJ voice. And try not to laugh. It's hard not to.

For example, when they say, ”Your call is important to us,” say, ”You don't mean zip to us!”

”Thank you for your patience.” You say: ”You're a loser with nothing better to do!” And remember, keep it perky!

”Someone will be with you momentarily” becomes, ”I hope you went potty, because this is going to take all day!”

”We're busy a.s.sisting other customers” translates to, ”It's lunch hour, deal with it!”

All right, all right, it's not that much fun after the first twenty minutes. If you have a problem with that, just call. Because you know know you are very important to us. you are very important to us.

Chapter 73.

With All Due Respect.

These were just things on my mind and some ideas of ways I could be better. Maybe it helps you too.

If not, pa.s.s this book on!

Chapter 74.

Master Score Sheet for Self-Tests.

Enter your numerical scores here for each self-test.

Parking = _______ A Traveler Check = _______ Resisting Textation = _______ Stadium Behavior = _______ Sideline Civility = _______ Offensive Language = _______ Am I a Bully? = _______ TOTAL = _______.

What your score means: .

If you scored between 0 and 30, your behavior rates as CIVIL.

Congratulations.

If you scored between 31 and 181, your behavior rates as BORDERLINE BONEHEAD.

Oops.

If you scored between 182 and 259, your behavior rates as a.s.sHOLIAN.

. . . Which means you probably don't care. But if you do happen to care? Back to page 1 and start over. We'll wait for you.

After all, it's the polite thing to do.

Chapter 75.

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