Part 32 (2/2)

28I was Jeni for about five minutes back in high school because I liked to dot my i's with a sunflower. But I'm a big-time professional and those days are long over, OK?

29Honest to G.o.d, this is a direct quote.

30OK, I honestly wondered if one would fit in my bag, but only for a second.

31Not that I've ever seen a money shot. Or am familiar with the concept. Because I am a nice girl who is saving herself for marriage despite seven years of cohabitation. Hi, Mom!

32The Ivy Leaguecaliber ego and smug sense of superiority I developed are unfortunate side effects, but what are you going to do?

33Shut up.

34Yelling.

35Lies! Lies, I tell you!

36It was SO d.i.c.k Sargent.

37It's a museum, right?

38Of course you did, sweetie! Now let's see if you can make squirty in the potty like a big boy!

39Yes, she FINALLY ended it last month. Wh.o.r.e.

40No, it wasn't me. But given the opportunity, I would have done the same thing.

41Who can resist a set of fuchsia-and-orange-striped Kate Spade?

42Surprise, surprise, Kathleen was p.i.s.sed.

43You think I'm shallow? I'm Maya-freaking-Angelou next to these girls.

44PR girls never have normal names like Kim or Amy.

45HATE! HATE! HATE!.

46I am all about being telegenic.

47OK, girdle. Again, shut up.

48I canceled my interview on 9/11 and have since postponed my job search until I get my wits back.

49Apparently Kathleen is the only one without a soul.

50Thank G.o.d video phones aren't mainstream yet. I'm famous for taking conference calls in my footie pajamas.

51You cheap b.a.s.t.a.r.ds!

52Stupid moral compa.s.s (and fear of jail).

53Do I even need to mention how much cuter I was than her?

54Seriously, WAY cuter.

55Powder pink is totally the new black.

56Or helps me prove a point.

57She also used to make tea from the weeds in her yard and Sunday gravy with goat meat, but that's another story.

58In my dad's defense, he only started with the double pants-retaining system recently. With his flat b.u.t.t and heavy wallet, I suspect there may have been an incident.

59My father was the lead truck in a Marine convoy back in the early fifties. Since he refuses to ask for directions when lost, he accidentally led his entire 1,600 man division to the border of Mexico. The Mexican border guards thought it was the beginning of World War Three.

60But the darling Cuban-heeled patent leather shoes projected so much authority AND style that I'd have been foolish not to buy them.

61To this day, I can only recite the preamble to the Const.i.tution because of Schoolhouse Rock.

62Having once spent every Sat.u.r.day for a month at the Illinois DMV trying to get my car registered, I've since learned to be prepared when dealing with bureaucracies.

63Quality demands respect.

64Are they kidding? I've already applied to enough places to satisfy my six-month requirement.

65I'm not always successful, but points for trying, right?

66Fan-f.u.c.king-tastic.

67Please don't tell Big Daddy.

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