Part 33 (1/2)

68My old neighbor Melissa has been laid off four times in the past year and a half. I don't understand how she hasn't yet taken a hostage out of sheer frustration.

69And glorious new boots.

70What? Like I'd use a cap and mess up the 'do. I don't think so.

71Dubbed because I've been waiting for them to call me home for so long.

72I won't hold a stupid expression against him if he wants to hire me.

73A birthday present to myself. I'm worth it, yes?

74Cosmetics and coordinating wallets, NOT PETS, belong in purses.

75The upside is my b.u.t.t is an inch higher from all the climbing.

76In this particular fantasy, we're sitting on my dream couch.

77I even envied the dogs last week when the vet trimmed their dew claws.

78Despite her tacit denial, Dad and I both know the sabotage was deliberate.

79Honestly? I'd sell my unexfoliated soul for a salt glow right about now.

80Literally.

81Had I more time to think about it, I would have prepared a PowerPoint presentation.

82Like I want to be cut out of the will?

83This is also why we're not inviting any children. Beautiful noise? I think not.

84Yes, I tried one of each. Shut up.

85Seriously, what's more fun than go-go dancers?

86Don't ask. It was a really bad day.

87I'm totally losing the weight just as soon as my stress level decreases.

88In my dreams, I'm an excellent dancer, and not a left-footed Frankenstein, clomping into other people.

89It's my dream, so I can wear the updated Dior Brun Swing shade if I want.

90Considering they cost more than a year's tuition, they'd better be.

91An antipsychotic drug. WHICH SHE NEEDS.

92My dad is the first.

93Fletch says Clark is going through a divorce now, hence the tyranny. The next boss I have had better be single or come with a clean bill of marital health from his or her therapist. This divorce business makes people way too irrational.

94Loki, the ”good dog,” much prefers to nibble mission-style furniture. He's a sixty-pound termite with a puffy tail.

95When we get home, I am totally sending that flight attendant flowers.

96She's still p.i.s.sed I wouldn't let her iron my high school graduation gown. However, I was only seventeen at the time and have since come to embrace the virtues of a properly pressed garment.

97Seriously, I'd marry you, American Airlines, if I weren't already engaged.

98Which are way too cute. The stamp in the candy says, ”Jen and Fletch, Bucking Tradition Since 1994” on one side and it has our wedding date on the other, and they're wrapped to look like casino chips.

99I don't know what it is, so don't ask. (AND DON'T EXPLAIN IT TO ME.) 100See? See what I mean? He's an a.s.s.

101Oh, Puck, you scamp. I shall never tire of your snot rockets and h.o.m.ophobia.

102HATE!.

103The cake is the best part of the reception. It had layers of mocha hazelnut, white chocolateraspberry, lemonBavarian cream, and the topper was cream cheesecarrot cake, all covered with white modeling chocolate. By the way, did you know fifty guests can't consume twenty-five pounds of cake? I didn't, hence the trip upstairs.

104I had to put up with it for seven years-it's payback time.

105She actually might like it but I DON'T CARE.

106Correct answer? NO ONE.

107HATE! Dave Matthews makes me want to kick puppies.

108Thank G.o.d.

109Six hours and $250 later.

110He is SO sleeping on the couch tonight.

111It was a very brief phase. I was back to tartan plaid within the week.

112The roommate's nickname was Zitty-Zitty Bang-Bang.

113A very bad phase. Don't ask.

114What's the deal with straight girls tongue kissing other straight girls these days? I mean, gay is cool, bi isn't scandalous, but I have trouble dealing with this Girls Gone Wild foolishness.

115Recently a man stopped me at Star Bar when I was clad in a similar outfit and told me, ”Honey, I'm gay, but I would totally do you. You're fabulous!!” This is possibly the greatest compliment I've received in my entire life.

116This used to be my big stress-relieving song when I worked at Corp. Com. I'd play it over and over again and it always managed to calm me. Positive K's ”I Got a Man” and English Beat's ”Save It for Later” are also excellent release valves.

117Which, fortunately, was not the LAST half hour of my life, although I couldn't be sure at the time.