Part 7 (2/2)

I probably can't hear the screams of the dying, either, he thought.

'Trillian,' he called over his shoulder. 'I really think it would be rather a good thing if Zaphod stopped talking. Do we have any stun guns?'

Zaphod was only getting started. 'I can do better. You ever take a shot from a spiderwitch?'

'I have, actually. I mix them into my c.o.c.ktails. No adverse effects.'

'What about a plasma axe? Those things will split your atoms for you.'

'Not my atoms. I was. .h.i.t with four of those so-called unshatterable axes by a band of Silastic mercenaries after I called one of their mothers a hurst-toting mawg face. Guess what? They shattered.'

'I know a guy who can get me six ounces of Consolium. You hold that in your armpit for five minutes and the job is done, baby.'

Wowbagger was losing what modic.u.m of interest he had in the conversation. 'Consolium is a myth, Beeblebrox. Spare me your fatuous tale-spinning.'

'I know G.o.ds!' said Zaphod desperately. 'Other immortals. I bet they could cut you down to size.'

The death ray loomed huge now, causing the s.h.i.+p to vibrate, seeming to slice through s.p.a.ce as it pa.s.sed.

'Trillian!' called Arthur.

'Please, Mr Wowbagger.'

'You know G.o.ds?' asked the green immortal, reluctantly intrigued. 'You are actually acquainted with real G.o.ds? Cla.s.s A?'

'I have Thor's address right here on my communicator. One word from me and you're hammered.'

'G.o.ds have tried to kill me before.'

'How did that go?'

'Oh shut up, Beeblebrox.'

'Never a major G.o.d, I'll bet,' said Zaphod. 'Never a cla.s.s A.'

Wowbagger nodded thoughtfully. 'No, never a cla.s.s A. I've never had much time for those major supreme beings. Tosspots, every one of them. But surely a blow from Thor's legendary hammer, Mjollnir, would be enough to put my lights out. You can arrange this, Beeblebrox?'

'I'm the only one who can.'

'It's true,' said Ford. 'Old Red Beard and Zaphod go way back.'

Arthur could see nothing but green.

And so I lose my daughter again. How much heartbreak can one man bear?

Wowbagger pressed a b.u.t.ton on his wafer computer. 'You had better not be spiralling my sinkhole.'

Zaphod hooked a thumb into his sash/fake arm. 'This is no spoof. You called me a fat-a.r.s.ed b.u.mpkin. This This is a matter of honour.' is a matter of honour.'

Wowbagger spoke tersely into his computer. 'Extend the s.h.i.+eld,' he said.

A white glow crackled across the porthole and the death ray pa.s.sed harmlessly over them.

4.

Planetary catastrophes are no big deal. They happen all the time. Expanding stars sterilize the surfaces they once nurtured. Asteroids plough into hydrocarbon oceans. Planets wobble a little out of orbit a few light years too close to a black hole and tip over the event horizon. Ravenous quantum beings devour every last drop of energy on their home worlds before turning on each other.

Guide Note: This last was the subject of a reality show broadcast in the Sirius Tau system called Last Behemoth Standing. Last Behemoth Standing. Twenty-five thousand cameras were dropped into the atmosphere of Levy Wash, a world ravaged by four colossal free-fl ying creatures, and billions of viewers watched them fight it out for world domination. Unfortunately, Pinky, the voters' favourite Behemoth, jumped free of Levy Wash's atmosphere and leapfrogged the camera network's wireless trail back to the star system's populated cl.u.s.ter. Pinky stripped three worlds down to the mantle before the federation army froze her with liquid hydrogen. Ratings broke all records for the first two planets, but by number three the audience grew jaded and switched to Twenty-five thousand cameras were dropped into the atmosphere of Levy Wash, a world ravaged by four colossal free-fl ying creatures, and billions of viewers watched them fight it out for world domination. Unfortunately, Pinky, the voters' favourite Behemoth, jumped free of Levy Wash's atmosphere and leapfrogged the camera network's wireless trail back to the star system's populated cl.u.s.ter. Pinky stripped three worlds down to the mantle before the federation army froze her with liquid hydrogen. Ratings broke all records for the first two planets, but by number three the audience grew jaded and switched to The Cheeky-Chuu Chronicles, The Cheeky-Chuu Chronicles, a show featuring a small rainbow bird endowed with super powers by a mysterious bird bath. a show featuring a small rainbow bird endowed with super powers by a mysterious bird bath.

Related Reading: The Worst Idea Ever by Gawn F'zing (ex-network president and current federal penitentiary inmate) by Gawn F'zing (ex-network president and current federal penitentiary inmate) Life Beyond the Beak by Big J Jarood (ex-child star) by Big J Jarood (ex-child star) Arthur Dent watched his world die for the last time. The porthole frame made the whole event look like it was happening on TV; an early episode of Doctor Who Doctor Who, perhaps, when the special effects were charming but not so sophisticated.

I can almost see the wires, thought Arthur.

The death rays were the fat tubular kind favoured by late-twentieth-century television animators and the Earth itself looked like a football covered in papier mache.

But it is real. Horribly so.

The rays converged on the planet, peeling it like a blue-green apple. Arthur was sure that he saw New Zealand curl away from the Antipodes, a thousand-mile-long tail of steam and debris flowing behind it.

I miss my beach, thought Arthur. I miss not knowing anything for certain I miss not knowing anything for certain.

Soon the planet was engulfed in a roiling cloud of steam and ashes. The death rays converged into a point like the tip of a pencil and, with one mighty push, skewered the unfortunate Earth utterly, rending her from pole to pole.

Not real, thought Arthur, hiding behind his fingers. Not real Not real.

I brought that planet to the stars, thought Random Dent, her eyes blurred with tears. I built the bridges that cured cancer, made poverty history, gave Goldflake their first galactic number-one single. Now it's all gone. All those people. All that future. My little Fertle I built the bridges that cured cancer, made poverty history, gave Goldflake their first galactic number-one single. Now it's all gone. All those people. All that future. My little Fertle.

Trillian closed her eyes. She had seen enough devastation throughout her career to last at least one lifetime. Even Wowbagger's. A lot of the destruction hadn't been real, but that didn't mean she could forget having seen it.

And what did I achieve? With all that Galaxy-trotting reportage? Who was saved or helped?

n.o.body.

And who was hurt and lost?

I was. And my daughter.

But even as she thought this, Trillian Astra felt a little itch in her hand where a microphone used to be.

Someone should be covering this, said a tiny, persistent voice inside her. The people need to know The people need to know.

Vogon Bureaucruiser Cla.s.s Hypers.p.a.ce s.h.i.+p, the Business End Business End The Vogons were not bad bad people as such. It was true to say that n.o.body liked them, and that their inter-personal skills didn't extend much beyond trying not to spit on the person they were talking to, but they weren't bad. That is, they would not blast your planet into atoms without the proper paperwork. people as such. It was true to say that n.o.body liked them, and that their inter-personal skills didn't extend much beyond trying not to spit on the person they were talking to, but they weren't bad. That is, they would not blast your planet into atoms without the proper paperwork. With With the proper paperwork, however, they would travel to the end of the Universe, and to as many parallel ones as necessary, to see the job done. And, to be fair, most of them couldn't care less if they the proper paperwork, however, they would travel to the end of the Universe, and to as many parallel ones as necessary, to see the job done. And, to be fair, most of them couldn't care less if they did did spit all over the person they were talking to. spit all over the person they were talking to.

Guide Note: There is actually a doc.u.mented case of a tiny Jatravartid being drowned during a conversation with a Vogon clerk. The Jatravartid had the temerity to present a pet.i.tion and claim it was a legal doc.u.ment. During the ensuing coughing fit, the Jatravartid was first stunned by a semi-solid phlegmbule and then quickly submerged.

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