Part 7 (1/2)

'Alive and procreating, sir.'

'I do not believe it. Well, this is a turn-up for the files. You pull over in the uncharted backwaters of the unfas.h.i.+onable end of the Western Spiral Arm of the Galaxy and who do you find bobbing around in the atmosphere but...'

'Zaphod Beeblebrox,' completed Arthur, eager to move things along. 'Listen, I hate to be a worry-wart, but those death rays are getting awfully close. That big one in particular.'

The green alien ignored him. 'Mr President. I've wanted to say something to you for a very long time. I've prepared prepared something. Can you spare a second? You would really be doing me a favour.' something. Can you spare a second? You would really be doing me a favour.'

Zaphod took a step back, just in case the alien could not see every inch of him.

Guide Note: Technically, there were no aliens on the s.h.i.+p, just s.p.a.ce travellers. As soon as the 'alien's' ident.i.ty is revealed we can abandon that cla.s.sification.

'Of course you may say a few words. My colleagues would be honoured. I am naturally too important to feel honoured, but I would be mildly amused.'

The alien alien bowed slightly, reached into his suit jacket for a wafer computer, located a text file and cleared his throat. bowed slightly, reached into his suit jacket for a wafer computer, located a text file and cleared his throat.

'You, Mr President...' he began.

'Yes, proceed.'

'You, Mr President...'

'Old news, move on.'

'You, Mr President, are the most philosophunculistic, moronic, steatopygic excuse for a politician that it has ever been my good fortune to not vote for, and if I thought for one second that this c.r.a.ppy Universe deserved any better, then I would pay, out of my own pocket, you understand, to have you a.s.sa.s.sinated.'

Zaphod half caught the last insulting term. 'Steatowhat?'

'Steatopygic. Fat a.r.s.ed.'

'Fat a.r.s.ed!' gasped Zaphod, pawing at his own lips. 'Fat a.r.s.ed?'

Arthur's memories were still coming back, so it took him a second even with such well-phrased stimuli.

'I know you. You're the guy with the insults.'

The alien took a photo of Arthur with his computer, then searched for a match in his files.

'Ah, yes. Arthur Philip Dent. Jerk and complete a.r.s.ehole. I've done you already, my records tell me.'

Zaphod rested his hands on his knees. 'Fat a.r.s.ed. I feel faint.'

Guide Note: This 'alien', it can now be revealed, was Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, who became immortal due to an accident involving a particle accelerator and an unwillingness to sacrifice two of his elastic bands. It must be pointed out that elastic bands held a special significance to Wowbagger as, in his culture, elastic bands are religious symbols representing the circuitous and elastic nature of the G.o.d Pollyphill-Ah. After his accident, the Arch Promonate of the Church of C&E proclaimed that Wowbagger's newfound immortality was a definite sign to the faithful. Wowbagger proclaimed that it was a definite pain in the a.r.s.e and it had put him right off elastic bands. After several millennia wallowing in sulky boredom, Wowbagger set himself the challenge of visiting every occupied world in the Universe to sample their indigenous beers. This was the beginning of what historians call his amber period, during which Wowbagger put on a lot of weight and discovered a talent for insulting people. One morning, Wowbagger realized, after his morning retch, that he actually enjoyed insultingpeople more than drinking beer, and so decided to switch challenges in mid-stream. His new task, he determined, would be to insult every single sentient being in the Universe in alphabetical order. Because Wowbagger was such a good-looking guy, and his s.p.a.ces.h.i.+p had such distinctive lines, the media soon got wind of his quest, and Wowbagger would land on a planet to discover the entire population lined up, in alphabetical order, screaming to be insulted, which kind of took the good out of it for him. morning, Wowbagger realized, after his morning retch, that he actually enjoyed insultingpeople more than drinking beer, and so decided to switch challenges in mid-stream. His new task, he determined, would be to insult every single sentient being in the Universe in alphabetical order. Because Wowbagger was such a good-looking guy, and his s.p.a.ces.h.i.+p had such distinctive lines, the media soon got wind of his quest, and Wowbagger would land on a planet to discover the entire population lined up, in alphabetical order, screaming to be insulted, which kind of took the good out of it for him.

'You came through the death-ray lattice?' asked Arthur urgently. 'In your s.h.i.+p?'

Wowbagger shrugged. 'Of course. My s.h.i.+p is made of dark matter and powered by dark energy. These Grebulons operate with mere baryonic materials. They can't understand my s.h.i.+p, never mind stop it.'

'Can you shut them down? The beams?'

Wowbagger pocketed his wafer computer. 'No. They are loose in real s.p.a.ce. The Earth is doomed, which is a pity, as there are many people left to insult on your planet. But at least I got Beeblebrox, eh? Out of order, true, but you make exceptions for his calibre of idiot. So, not a total disaster of a day.' Wowbagger rubbed his hands briskly. 'Anyway. A pleasure to meet you all; probably won't be the next time.'

Trillian switched on her reporter's smile. 'Mr Wowbagger. Trillian Astra. We met on New Betel. You were kind enough to give me five minutes.'

'Ah, yes. New Betel. I'd just done the king, hadn't I? Called him a festering pustule. That was a bit of a low period for me. Everything was festering or septic.'

'Maybe you read my article in WooHoo WooHoo?'

'I never read press. You start believing it, you see. Look at Beeblebrox there. He actually believes that he's some froody superstar, instead of the philosophunculistic b.u.mpkin that he actually is.'

Zaphod was just pulling himself together from fat a.r.s.ed fat a.r.s.ed when the b.u.mpkin comment socked him in the gut. when the b.u.mpkin comment socked him in the gut.

'b.u.mpkin? Ooooh. What... You monster monster.'

Trillian persisted. 'I wonder, could you give us a lift? Just as far as the next planet.'

'Impossible,' snapped Wowbagger. 'I travel through dark s.p.a.ce. Mortals are not supposed to see dark s.p.a.ce, it affects them.'

'We're prepared to take that risk. We wouldn't be any trouble.'

Wowbagger raised an eyebrow. 'Beeblebrox wouldn't be any trouble? I doubt that. He's a fugitive from someone or other, isn't he?'

Trillian hoisted Zaphod erect. 'The President will behave himself. Won't you, Zaphod?'

Zaphod mumbled something.

'See? He said will do will do.'

'I thought he said kill you kill you.'

Arthur bobbed in front of Zaphod, trying to catch his rolling eyes. 'You didn't say that, mate. Did you? No. Because that would be insane, right? Threatening to kill the one person who could save our lives.'

Zaphod drew himself erect, breath growling deep in his throat. 'He called me a fat-a.r.s.ed b.u.mpkin. I cannot allow him to live.'

'Oh, c.r.a.p,' said Ford.

Wowbagger's mood s.h.i.+fted from polite boredom to impolite boredom. 'Don't you think people have tried to kill me before? In my line of work, I attract enemies like a flaybooz attracts lint.'

Random sobbed into her fists.

'I keep track of my pursuers for my own amus.e.m.e.nt. Currently I am being chased by over a hundred bounty hunters, sixteen government vessels, a few unmanned Smart-O-Missiles and half a dozen wannabe immortals who would love to eat my heart and steal my powers. If only it were that easy. I long for death, I crave it the way this idiot craves publicity. I have been alive long enough to realize that there is no such thing as perfect love. That's too long.'

'I could kill you,' said Zaphod. 'I've got some juice in this Universe. I know people who know stuff. Did you ever go a few rounds with the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast?'

Wowbagger snorted. 'That old bag of bolts? I hope you can do better than that.'

Arthur cupped his hands around his face and peered though the porthole. The beam was almost upon them now. Arthur thought he could hear a whine of energy, though he knew that was impossible.