Part 6 (2/2)

Guide Note: Badabingo is a board game played by lifers on the prison moon in orbit around Blagulon Kappa. A game for up to a hundred players, the object being to get all your little horsies around the board and back to their stables, at which point a six is needed before you can twist off the horsies' heads. Once the last horsey is beheaded, the leader jumps to his feet and shouts 'Badabingo'. After that, it is up to him to stay alive until the riot squad arrive.

'Which means the Dodge-O-Matic is also off.'

'Green stick in the green hole, boy.'

Another Guide Note: The 'green stick in the green hole' cry is a reference to a simple matching game used in the very special Adult Ed. cla.s.ses on Betelgeuse Five where President Beeblebrox grew up. A Striteraxian equivalent would be: 'You display inordinate pride for someone who has completed a task which could have been performed by a lesser primate in a shorter time.' The Armorfiends were never very good at references, but they were quite excellent at getting to the point. Usually the point would be made of toughened steel and coated with venom.

'Which means we can be diced into cubes by that death-ray lattice thing, just like the entire planet.'

Zaphod snorted like this was the craziest thing he had ever heard. 'The Earth ain't going to be diced, Arty. Those death rays will superheat the surface and totally vaporize the entire planet. Any second now.'

'That's comforting. What about us?'

'Oh, yeah. The lattice has already figured out how to box us in. We're gonna be diced. No doubt about that. Green stick and all that. I was just beginning to take owners.h.i.+p of this haircut too.'

Arthur pressed his face to the porthole. Outside, in s.p.a.ce, the green rays sliced soundlessly through the blackness, vast emerald pendulums, boiling the planet below where they touched. As the rays swung closer, Arthur saw that they were comprised of pulsating bars, crackling with internal lightning.

A really fat, evil one was swinging inexorably their way.

My daughter is going to die, he realized. And that really upsets me. I bet it's Thursday. And that really upsets me. I bet it's Thursday.

He pulled his face away from the gla.s.s with a soft pop. 'There must be something we can do? We're not beaten yet, are we?'

Ford was waggling his joystick under Zaphod's nose. 'Do you think that if I have another puff now, that would const.i.tute a second puff, or another first puff?'

'Couldn't we somehow jump-start Left Brain?'

Zaphod frowned. 'Tricky one, cousin-o-mine. Maybe if I I have a puff, the answer will come to me.' have a puff, the answer will come to me.'

Arthur found that his surprise gland was alive and functioning after all.

'Don't you care that we are all about to die? How can you not care?'

Ford winked at him. 'In a spot like this, Arthur, what does it benefit a man to care?'

'I don't know, Ford. I truly do not. But I have a daughter there, in that seat. That's what I know.'

There was a knock at the door.

'Get that, would you, Earthman?' said Zaphod.

Arthur was kind enough to provide both a delayed reaction and a double take for the entertainment of the Betelgeuseans.

'You get it. It's your... arkkkkk!'

'You're funny, buddy!' howled Ford, punching his shoulder. 'Didn't I tell you, cousin? I've been telling you for years. Arthur is a riot.'

'Did you hear that?,' whispered Arthur, afraid to hope too loudly. 'Can there be someone at the door, in s.p.a.ce?'

The knock sounded again, a booming boing boing that made Arthur feel as though he were inside a belfry. that made Arthur feel as though he were inside a belfry.

'Don't worry about the boing boing thing,' said Zaphod. 'It's just a recording. I can set it to ding-dong if you like. Or a pootle-tink bird, my favourite.' thing,' said Zaphod. 'It's just a recording. I can set it to ding-dong if you like. Or a pootle-tink bird, my favourite.'

Green light glowed through the porthole. The window began to bubble.

'Open the door!' yelled Arthur, waving his arms for emphasis. 'Open it quickly.'

'I can't,' said Zaphod, not seeming too upset. 'Little Ix broke the s.h.i.+p. Remember?'

Trillian stroked Random's hair once, then crossed the bridge to the emergency hatch.

'Improbability? You want improbability? You two idiots staying alive this long, now that's that's improbable.' improbable.'

She reached into what seemed to be a solid panel and pulled out a crank.

'Emergency manual handle. Remember?'

'Hey, sugar. It's not my s.h.i.+p. I just stole it.'

Arthur grabbed the handle and cranked until the sweat dripped down his jaw line. This did not take as long as one might imagine, as the Grebulon rays' proximity was turning the drifting Heart of Gold Heart of Gold into a very effective cauldron. into a very effective cauldron.

'Come on, Arthur,' urged Trillian. 'Come on.'

Arthur opened his mouth to argue that he was coming on as fast as he could and could she please give him a break as he had spent the last century or so on a beach taking no strenuous exercise whatsoever and where the h.e.l.l did she get off dropping his surprise teenage daughter on Lamuella then zipping off to cover a war that never happened? Arthur was about to say all of this, then thought that maybe he would crank harder instead.

Surprisingly, just thinking these things made him feel a little better.

Arthur's cranking powered a small plasma cell that sent a charge through the hatch and excited the molecules sufficiently to precipitate a phase transition, turning the portal to a gas.

'Now, you see, that's not what I thought was going to happen at all,' puffed Arthur.

A tall green humanoid alien stood in the airlock, wringing his fingers. He was an impressive specimen, if your criteria for being impressed included developed musculature, wide intelligent brow, dark, tortured eyes and a suit so sharp that just thinking about it could give a person a migraine.

'Babel fish?' said the alien in cultured, but slightly testy tones. 'Please tell me Babel fish.'

Zaphod threw his hands in the air. 'Babel fish all round.'

'Oh, thank Zarquon,' said the alien, stepping inside. 'Honestly, if I had to go through one more room full of grunts and blank stares... What is it with people? Just buy a dozen fish and let them breed.'

'People are so cheap,' agreed Zaphod.

The alien stopped in his tracks. 'What? No. It couldn't be?'

Zaphod flicked back a sheaf of hair. 'Yes it is, baby.'

'Zaphod Beeblebrox? Galactic President Beeblebrox?'

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