Part 4 (2/2)

'Oh.' Arthur felt his interest waning.

'But not just any cigarette,' continued Ford, holding the roll-up as though it were a grail of the rather holy kind.

'Got a wide-bore death ray inside it?'

'Course not.'

'How about a matter transporter?'

'You know, that would be useful. But no.'

'So, it's just strands of tobacco wrapped in paper, then?'

'Tobacco? Paper? Honestly, Arthur, you humans only use ten per cent of your brains, and you fill that fraction with tea-related information. This is a Falian albino marsh worm. Deceased obviously. Spends its life absorbing hallucinogenic gas from the vents. Then dies and turns stiff-ish.'

Arthur glanced upwards. A death ray had just sliced off the top floor, without even slowing down. A rather large airplane pinwheeled through the patch of sky above and Arthur fancied he could hear someone singing 'k.u.mbaya'.

'Is this a long story? Only I imagine our minutes are numbered. And the number is a single number. Between one and three maybe.'

'No, nearly at the good bit. Hitchhikers call these joysticks. One puff and you feel blissfully happy. Love everybody, forgive your enemies, all that stuff. Two puffs make you curious about just about everything, including the horrible death that is probably coming your way for you to have lit this baby in the first place. This is going to be great, you tell yourself. I am about to experience an energy s.h.i.+ft to a new plane of existence. What will it be like? Will I make new friends? Do they have beer?'

'Third puff?' asked Arthur, fulfilling his role in the storytelling partners.h.i.+p.

Ford rummaged in his satchel for a light. 'After the third puff, your brain explodes and you feel a little peckish.'

'Ah,' said Arthur, wondering how many hitchhikers had expired before they figured out the third puff thing.

'Here we go,' said Ford, pulling out a plastic lighter with the legend THE D DOMAIN OF THE K KING in blinking lights on the shaft. 'One puff or two?' in blinking lights on the shaft. 'One puff or two?'

Arthur had never been much of a smoker. Whenever he tried a cigarette, he felt so guilty about what he was doing to the lungs his parents gave him that it made him feel quite ill. Once, at a teenage party, Arthur did attempt to lounge about on the patio toying with a Silk Cut Blue, but ended throwing up on the hostess in an effort to not throw up on her chihuahua. He still shuddered at the memory and looked around to see if anyone from that party was pointing at him.

'Not for me, thanks. d.i.c.ky tummy.'

'Okay, pal,' said Ford, sparking the lighter. 'Blissful happiness, here I come.'

'I'll say so long now then, Ford. I wouldn't have missed a minute.'

'Really?'

'No. Not really. There were a few minutes I could have done without.'

The minute when Fenchurch disappeared, for example.

Ford had taken a single puff from the joystick when a giant jelly cactus popped into existence in the centre of the lobby. It wobbled for a moment, then turned into a huge bloodshot eye. The eye cast itself wildly about the room, then rolled back and became a quartet of Pom Pom Squids, playing thousands of kazoos in perfect harmony.

'Beautiful,' said Ford, wiping a tear from his eye. 'That makes me so... There aren't the words.'

The squids. .h.i.t a high note then disappeared in a flurry of rainbow-gilded bubbles, which popped musically to become a white s.p.a.ces.h.i.+p, a glittering teardrop with a few celery stalk fins.

'The Heart of Gold Heart of Gold,' breathed Arthur. 'You have got to be joking.'

Guide Note: This s.p.a.ces.h.i.+p was so essentially cool that one look at its brochure could skip a teenage male a couple of decades into the future, straight into the middle of his own mid-life crisis. The Heart of Gold Heart of Gold was powered both by conventional engines and the revolutionary Infinite Improbability Drive, which allowed the s.h.i.+p to be was powered both by conventional engines and the revolutionary Infinite Improbability Drive, which allowed the s.h.i.+p to be everywhere at once until it decided which where it wanted to be. Coincidences, deja vu and increased amounts of junk mail were all side effects of the everywhere at once until it decided which where it wanted to be. Coincidences, deja vu and increased amounts of junk mail were all side effects of the Heart of Gold Heart of Gold's unconventional drive field.

Ford ground the tip of the joystick on the sole of his shoe, then popped the cigarette into his satchel. He jumped to his feet. 'Let's go, Arthur. Don't look so surprised. The Earth gets destroyed and we get rescued by Zaphod. That's the way it always goes, give or take a few details and half a dozen light years. What a trip. A cosmic trip.'

'So why the joystick?'

'One puff only, my man. Blissfully happy. I find it helps before a reunion with Zaphod.'

Arthur stumbled down the steps. 'But what about Tricia? Isn't she supposed to come with us?'

'Hey, Trillian is the same person. Fate can only take one of everyone. Be happy for Tricia, she's on another plane. Pure energy. Can't you see the colours?'

Arthur scowled. 'The green death-ray colours? Yes, I can see those. I would prefer to see them from a great distance, so can we please get out of here?'

'Absolutely, Arthur. If we don't go soon, my froody shoes will be ruined. Although the blue one might turn a nice shade of purple, which would make me enormously happy.'

Arthur gently shepherded Random towards the glowing white s.h.i.+p. 'Come on. We need to leave now.'

'Fertle,' mumbled the girl. 'I want my Fertle.'

'I want my Fertle!' chuckled Ford, playfully tickling Trillian. 'Catchy, isn't it?'

The white s.p.a.ces.h.i.+p shuddered and a door opened smoothly, telescoping to the ground. Zaphod Beeblebrox, Galactic President, interplanetary fugitive and committed self-serving entrepreneur, appeared in the doorway, planetsized ego s.h.i.+ning through his bright eyes, golden hair bouncing in shoulder-length curls. Very outer-ring, but he carried it off well.

'Okay, let me get this straight,' Zaphod said, tapping his temples. 'h.e.l.lo, Earthlings. I have once again come to save you.' Then he seemed to notice the on-going planet destruction unfolding before him. 'Hold on just a minute. This isn't Ireland!'

Ford ran up the gangplank to embrace his semi-cousin.

'Zaphod! I am so happy to see you.'

Zaphod blinked. 'Happy to see me? You must be smoking something.'

They piled into the Heart of Gold Heart of Gold and zipped up to a couple of hundred feet, employing the s.h.i.+p's Dodge-O-Matic program to evade the death beams until the Infinite Improbability Drive was powered up, to blast them wherever it was they expected never to be. and zipped up to a couple of hundred feet, employing the s.h.i.+p's Dodge-O-Matic program to evade the death beams until the Infinite Improbability Drive was powered up, to blast them wherever it was they expected never to be.

Ford Prefect was the only one of the s.h.i.+p's occupants who had thought to look down, and he saw a forlorn-looking H2G2-2 hovering beside Club Beta's single remaining chandelier. It casually dodged a buzzing death ray and then, with a why bother why bother shrug, collapsed in on itself like an origami bird being folded by invisible hands until all that was left was a diamond of blackness that zipped around the roofless hall, decapitated a rat out of sheer badness, then winked out of all existences in all times. shrug, collapsed in on itself like an origami bird being folded by invisible hands until all that was left was a diamond of blackness that zipped around the roofless hall, decapitated a rat out of sheer badness, then winked out of all existences in all times.

Good riddance, thought Ford, and went in search of a drink.

Had Ford not gone in search of a drink, he might have seen a tall, thirty-ish man, wearing a dressing gown and slippers, stumble into Club Beta, clutching his towel. The man barely had time to glance skywards in confused wonderment before an emerald death ray blasted him and his ginger companion to atoms.

Guide Note: This was one of the many deaths of Arthur Dent, now that one Arthur had managed to break the cosmic pattern and skip dimensions to be rescued. The pattern unravelled for the rest and they were picked off one by one, by improbable accidents hurriedly cobbled together by a ticked-off Fate.

One Arthur was electrocuted by malfunctioning headphones as he produced a local radio show discussing recent UFO sightings in the area (cosmic black humour).

<script>