Part 5 (1/2)

A second Arthur woke up one morning convinced that he could fly, and no amount of persuasion could prevent him from scaling a radio tower and hurling himself off.

A third was crushed by a buffadozer during a protest to save his house. The buffadozer did not suffer any physical damage but was traumatized by the event and went on to sue the council, specifically naming a certain Mr Prosser in the suit. Prosser was subsequently given the axe.

Yet another Arthur was drowned in a freak rainstorm shortly after giving the two fingers to a truck driver who had cut him off on the motorway.

The list is almost endless. Suffice it to say, without cataloguing every single one of the various deaths, misadventure or adventure, accidental (or on purpose), occidental, dental, mental, rental, retail, foetal, faecal or decal (smothered by cling-film), to name but a few, that only one Arthur Dent survived in any dimension after the final, once and for all, no-tricky-loophole destruction of Earth. The same is true of both Ford Prefect and Trillian, but not Random or Zaphod, who were sticking to their pan-dimensional roles well enough to earn gold stars.

Related Reading: Someone's Out to Get Me by Arthur Dent, 2803 by Arthur Dent, 2803 He Believed He Could Fly by Mrs A. Dent, 1107 by Mrs A. Dent, 1107 The last remaining Arthur Dent sat in his usual place on the floor of the Heart of Gold Heart of Gold's flight deck, b.u.mping his head repeatedly on a familiar shelf, and yet he did not feel comforted. It may have been the green death rays flas.h.i.+ng past the view screens, or it may have been that somewhere, deep in his primal essence, in the stardust that made up his atoms, Arthur realized that he he was the last Arthur Dent in the Universe. Truly alone in the magnitude of stuff. was the last Arthur Dent in the Universe. Truly alone in the magnitude of stuff.

All Arthur could have verbalized was that he missed his towel and would have paid a large sum of money to have somebody with soft bosoms hug him and tell him that things were going to be all right.

Trillian and Random were pretty depressed by the whole destruction of their home planet thing too and huddled together underneath the refrigerator. Ford Prefect, however, was positively ebullient, thanks to the single puff on his petrified worm.

'This is great great!' he enthused, clapping Zaphod on the shoulder. 'Look at those death beams. Did you ever think you would live to see a Grebulon death lattice from the inside inside?'

'Grebulons, wow. Those guys are vicious,' responded his cousin with equal enthusiasm (Zaphod was basically a one-puff man all the time). 'What a light show. Do you remember those thermonuclear warheads at Magrathea?'

'I do,' said Ford fondly. 'They were something. Foxy beggars, with their little jinks and turns, but we shook 'em.'

'We sure did, cousin. And we're going to shake these Grebu-guys too.'

Trillian winced as a ray scorched the s.p.a.ces.h.i.+p's port fin. 'Can we just get out of here?'

Zaphod spun like a disco dancer and shot Trillian with two finger guns. 'Pow pow, cutie. Miss me? Bet you did... so would I.'

'Later, Zaphod. Can the s.h.i.+p take us to safety?'

'Not so simple. We can't shoot through the lattice without being sliced up like Halitoxican party grevlova. We have to let the Improbability Drive run a few numbers and get its head around the problem.'

'The computer has a head now?'

Zaphod danced a little Betelgeusean foreplay jig. 'Finally someone makes a head head comment. I was starting to think you guys were all on the joysticks.' comment. I was starting to think you guys were all on the joysticks.'

'Sorry, Zaphod,' Arthur snapped. 'We're a little distracted by impending violent death.'

'Sure, the computer's got a head head,' continued Zaphod, ignoring Arthur's thread of the conversation. 'Come on, people. Don't you notice anything different about me?'

They got it at the same time.

'Goosnargh,' said Ford.

'What the...' said Trillian.

'Blooming'eck,' said Arthur, sounding a little like a c.o.c.kney rat.

Zaphod Beeblebrox had, perched rakishly on his shoulders, a single head.

Guide Note: Zaphod Beeblebrox's two heads and three arms have become as much a part of Galaxy lore as the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast's cranial spigot, or Eccentrica Gallumbits's third breast. And though Zaphod claims to have had his third arm fitted to improve his chances at ski-boxing, many media pundits believe that the arm was actually fitted so that the President could simultaneously fondle all of Eccentrica's mammaries. This attention to erotic detail resulted in Miss Gallumbits referring to Zaphod in mammaries. This attention to erotic detail resulted in Miss Gallumbits referring to Zaphod in Street Walkie-Talkie Weekly Street Walkie-Talkie Weekly as the 'The best bang since the Big One', a quote which was worth at least half a billion votes in the presidential election and twice as many daily hits on the private members' section of the Zaphod Confidential Sub-Etha site. as the 'The best bang since the Big One', a quote which was worth at least half a billion votes in the presidential election and twice as many daily hits on the private members' section of the Zaphod Confidential Sub-Etha site.

The origin of Zaphod's second head is shrouded in mystery and seems to be the one thing the President is reluctant to discuss with the media, other than to claim that two heads are better than none, a comment which was taken as a direct jibe by Counsellor Spinale Trunco of the Headless Hors.e.m.e.n tribe of Jaglan Beta. Zaphod's response to this accusation was, 'Of course it's a jibe, baby. Dude's got zero heads. Come on!' Early images do represent Zaphod with two heads, but in many shots they do not appear to be identical. In fact, in one vidcap, which has famously come to be known as the 'I'm With Stupid' shot, Zaphod's left head appears to be that of a sallow female, attempting to bite the right head's ear. A Betelgeusean woman later surfaced, claiming to be the original owner of the 'sallow female' head. Loolu Softhands told Beebleblog that 'Zaphod wanted us to be together, like, all the time, so we conjoined. After a couple of months he found out that he liked the two-headed thing more than he liked me. So we went out for a few Blasters one night and I woke up back on my own body. b.a.s.t.a.r.d.'

Zaphod has never refuted Miss Softhands's story, leading to speculation that his second head is a narcissistic affectation, an allegation President Beeblebrox claims not to understand.

Related Reading: Head to Head with Mr President by Loolu Softhands by Loolu Softhands It's Just One b.o.o.b After Another by Eccentrica Gallumbits by Eccentrica Gallumbits Ford embraced his cousin.

'You finally took it off,' he said, while simultaneously chewing his lip, which is not easy. 'Removing a head sounds like the action of an imbecile, but for some reason I am totally in favour of it.'

Arthur knew the reason. His friend was still riding the worm.

'Are you sure that was a great idea, Zaphod? Didn't that head do do stuff?' stuff?'

Zaphod raised a single finger, the way a person might if they were about to make a significant announcement. 'Shut your mouth, monkey. I am talking to my cousin.'

'I thought we were past that, Zaphod. Haven't we been through enough?'

Zaphod reared backwards. 'Oh. Hey, Arthur. Is that you, buddy? My other head had better eyesight. Plus I didn't recognize you without the pool garment.'

'Dressing gown.'

'Whatever. Important information only at this point, I think. Death rays and so forth.'

'Is it important important that we know where your other head is?' shouted Arthur, keeping his syntax as stripped back as possible. that we know where your other head is?' shouted Arthur, keeping his syntax as stripped back as possible.

Zaphod clapped his hands. 'Oh, yeah. Yessir. You are all going to love this.'

He crab-danced to the low crescent bank of computer controls. 'Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, give him a big hand because your your lives are in lives are in his his hands.' hands.'

'Death rays!' howled Arthur, as the Dodge-O-Matic sent the s.h.i.+p into a tight pirouette. 'Can we get on with it?'

Ford cradled Arthur's cheeks in his palms. 'Life is about moments, Arthur,' he said seriously. 'That's the secret. Moments are longer than you think. If you add up all the good moments, then, you know it's, like, ages.'

It really infuriated Arthur that there might be something in that reasoning.

'Very well, Ford. Do you think it might be possible for the ladies to see Zaphod's other head?'

'Don't patronize us,' said Random.

'Of course not, sweetie.'

'Screw you.'

Zaphod stamped a silver boot heel. 'Can we get back to my moment? The head, remember?' He tapped a short, sequential code into the computer.

'Not much of a code, is it?' commented Arthur. 'One two three?'

Zaphod scowled at him. 'Eyesight and numbers. I am s-o-o-o bad at life's minor things. I'm more of a forward-thrusting, back-lit, great-discovery-making champion of the boudoir. Head number two takes care of the little-man stuff. Or as I call him... Left Brain, because he was on the left, and he's the brainy one.'

'Show us the head!' shouted Arthur.

Zaphod thumbed a red b.u.t.ton and a crystal sphere emerged from a bucket of gel in the console, rising smoothly to float at a median eye level.