Chapter 106 (1/2)
He Nuo shifted slightly. He had just taken a step forward when he retracted his foot in midair. Not long ago, he had just returned from school. Today was the last day of waiting, and his last chance, which meant that his first choice had gone up in smoke. What next? Accept the allocation? He didn’t seem to have filled in that column, and because he was sure of his success, his second choice was an institution of learning of the same level as his first choice. He Nuo tried to sort out all the thoughts in his head so that he could think clearly and plan his next step, yet he realised that his abilities were limited — his next and only step was to resign to fate. When Shi Yan appeared at this moment, He Nuo almost rushed towards him, but he had to force himself to stop.
Shi Yan didn’t think too much about it. On his way here, all he wanted was to stay by He Nuo’s side at this moment so that he would have someone he could lean on. Without saying anything, he walked over and held He Nuo in his arms. He Nuo was standing straight up at first, but after awhile, his hands went around Shi Yan’s waist. There was no dampness on his chest, but Shi Yan could feel a pain that hurt even deeper than tears. Qiu Linsong was actually right behind them. He was silent now too as he watched Shi Yan gently pat He Nuo.
When he saw Qiu Linsong standing behind Shi Yan, He Nuo felt embarrassed so he pushed Shi Yan away and awkwardly asked them to sit. After that, the atmosphere felt a bit depressing. He Nuo forced himself to say, “Thank you for your concern, I think there’ll definitely be a college that will accept me.” His voice couldn’t conceal the unwillingness and bitterness that even he couldn’t convince himself of. Wang Feng then gave them a call and asked if he needed to make a trip down. Shi Yan saw how He Nuo was forcing himself to talk, so he asked Wang Feng not to come over for now.
Shi Yan and Qiu Linsong stayed until the He couple got off work. His parents knew that he hadn’t been accepted and sighed. But because of He Nuo’s excellent results, they knew that he still had a chance to get into a standard college, so they weren’t too disappointed. For them, just being able to attend a college was already considered really good. They inadvertently blamed him by saying “the heart may be loftier than the sky, but one’s life can be thinner than paper”1. They thought that He Nuo shouldn’t have applied for such a good college, it was somewhat incompatible with his status. Shi Yan noticed that He Nuo’s hand was trembling under the table.
After they left the He residence, Qiu Linsong suddenly asked on their way back, “San Ge, do you want to help He Nuo?”
Shi Yan asked back in surprise, “How?”
“If you want to help him, there’ll definitely be a way. But I don’t know if it’ll be worth it to help him. What do you think?”
Shi Yan didn’t say anything. When he heard that He Nuo didn’t get accepted, he hated the trickery that was involved, and he hated how unfair the heavens were being. When He Nuo leaned against his chest, his heart was aching really badly for him too. But after accompanying him for the past few hours, Shi Yan couldn’t lie to himself — in hindsight, he did feel a little happy. Shi Yan didn’t want to have this sort of unscrupulous thought at this kind of timing, or else wouldn’t he be a savage who’s even worse than beasts? But he really did feel a bit more relieved.
Shi Yan couldn’t answer Qiu Linsong’s question, and he didn’t want to answer it. In the end, he threw out the words, “How should I know if it would be worth it or not?” As a result, even after he had dinner, watched some television and was lying down on his bed now, Shi Yan still felt ill at ease. He probably forgot what he ate for dinner, or what had been played on the TV — all he had seen were the swaying male and female figures on TV. When he lied down on his bed, the reason for his unrest bothered him again — to help? Or not?
He Nuo’s ruthlessness, cruelty and mercilessness were qualities that Shi Yan had personally experienced for himself. Because of the pride of his beloved, even if he did help him with this, there would still be no room left for negotiation between him and He Nuo. Shi Yan was very clear about that — He Nuo would definitely repay his ‘grace’, but he would never repay it with his own affection.
Shi Yan didn’t want to let go of his hand, but he couldn’t stop him from flying away either, so he could only watch on helplessly as He Nuo flew away from him. This was a heaven-sent opportunity: help He Nuo? Or help himself? Shi Yan engaged in an intense battle with himself. Or there could be a compromise: he could help He Nuo, but he would only do so in exchange for what he wanted.
After he thought it through, Shi Yan went to look for He Nuo. It’s not like it was their first time meeting at midnight; but actually, he just needed the motivation from getting it done in one go right now, or else Shi Yan was afraid that he would lose heart. Because in the bottom of his heart, he rejected this kind of compromise, and disdained this kind of method. However, this was his only chance to hold onto He Nuo. Shi Yan persuaded himself to ignore everything else and to only focus on the end result. Shi Yan even came up with countless reasons for himself: He Nuo can only see his repentance if he came back to him; he can only make up for the harm he had dealt to He Nuo if he had this chance for repentance. Also, Shi Yan believed that after he had lost He Nuo once, he would cherish him even more in the future.
When he arrived at that familiar window, the room inside was pitch-dark. Shi Yan was about to knock on the window lattice when he heard a soft whisper.
“…….the heart may be loftier than the sky, but one’s life can be thinner than paper. (sigh) He Nuo, you tried so hard, yet you didn’t achieve what you wanted, I know that you’re sad, and I know that you’re upset, but now isn’t the time to be sad. Get yourself together ba. In a world where you’re alone, you can only rely on yourself. If you can’t get into a good college then so be it. If worst comes to worst, you could always just learn more things in the future.