Chapter 105 (1/2)

He Nuo stood in front of the window. Shi Yan watched his body tremble as he was trying to suppress it with all his might. Shi Yan walked up behind He Nuo and stretched his arms out as he wanted to put his arms around his beloved.

“Don’t touch me.” It was as if He Nuo had grown eyes on his back, but his voice was very light.

Shi Yan retracted both his arms in shame. He stood upright with his head drooped down. When Shi Yan realised that there water stains on the ground in front of He Nuo, he anxiously yanked He Nuo around. The He Nuo who would rather bleed than shed tears, and who never cries in front of others, was currently allowing his tears to run rampant.

“Nuonuo.” Shi Yan cried out in anguish and tightly pressed him into his embrace. Right at this moment when he saw He Nuo’s face that was awash with tears, he thought that if he could turn time back, if he could buy a regret pill, then Shi Yan would be willing to exchange his life for all these ‘if’s. As long as he could make it such that He Nuo wouldn’t cry anymore, Shi Yan was willing to do anything. His heart wrenched as if a knife had stabbed it and was twisting around inside as he grabbed He Nuo’s hand and placed it on the left side of his chest, “It hurts like hell! This place hurts, it really hurts!”

His scorching tears permeated straight through into his heart that was filled with regret, bitterness and suffering. Tears pooled in Shi Yan’s tiger eyes; he had no face to beg, and could offer no words of comfort. So the two of them continued to snuggle like this as they shed their silent tears.

He Nuo returned to normal a bit earlier. He walked over to the table and asked Shi Yan to sit on his bed.

“Ever since I was a child, I’ve never known how to please others, how to be likable, or how to communicate with other people.” Without an introduction, He Nuo sounded like he was talking to himself, but Shi Yan was listening to him very carefully.

“So I’ve always been in my own world. I watched others as they experienced joy, anger, sorrow and happiness, but I never had those feelings. Then I met you. You were very sunny, and you were a very warm person. I know that I’m a bit corpse-like, and I have a zero-degree existence. We’re different people, so I didn’t want to come into contact with you. But you didn’t care about my attitude at all, so we became friends. Although it was partly through force, I did like the new warmth in my life. Actually, who wouldn’t yearn for sunshine? You lived your life so ebulliently, and I secretly admired your insolence and arrogance as well. I admired your unbridled way of life.

I think what you said just now made sense, and it was a part of the reason. You’re a very zealous person, when you saw that my life was different from yours, your zeal set off your impulse to help me, because the hot-blooded you didn’t want to see your friend live in such a murky world. You pulled me out of my castle, and gave me a taste of basking in the sunshine, and you made me realise that life could be sweet. You dusted off all the dirt that had accumulated on my body over the years, and drove away the decay within me that seemed like it belonged to a dead person. I’m very grateful for that. Today, I still owe you a ‘thank you’.”

Shi Yan opened his mouth, but no words came out — they had all turned into chokes that remained stuck in his throat.

“But, when I was standing in the world outside my castle, experiencing life to my heart’s content and living in bliss every day, you let go of my hand. It was my first time being in this universe; but before I could familiarise myself with it and put myself on a more stable footing, you left. I was like a toddler who was learning how to walk as I got lost in that ostentatiousness. Shi Yan, honestly, I would rather have not known what sunshine is, I’m not willing to pay that kind of price. But because of your ‘compassion and pity’, I paid it. So, can I say that I’ve already repaid you too, and that we don’t owe each other anything anymore?”

He stood in front of Shi Yan. Shi Yan looked up, his face was full of anguish. He Nuo smiled. Big, fat teardrops slid down his cheeks. Shi Yan’s face already looked blur in his vision but his voice was still as clear as ever, “Shi Yan, I cherish myself a lot, and I can’t bear to dirty myself. So, I will choose to get rid of all the dirty things in my life that have stained me. Even if I had to gouge them out and carve them out of my bones — I would still not hesitate to do so!”

Shi Yan was stunned silly. Unlike his previous refusal, He Nuo’s cold and ruthless words were part of the sacrificial script uttered at the burial of their feelings.

He Nuo walked next to the door and pulled it open, “Please!”