Part 13 (1/2)

Annie looked at the package, which was wrapped in bright pink paper, and hefted it in her hand. What is it? she asked Becka.

A little something from me and Dixie, said Becka. To remind you of San Francisco.

Like I could ever forget, joked Annie as she tore the paper off. Inside was a T-s.h.i.+rt. It, too, was pink.

Annie held it up and saw that across the front was written because im the queen, thats why.

Dixie wanted it for himself, said Becka. But I insisted that it would look much better on you.

I love it, Annie told her. Thanks.

So, whats on the agenda for the weekend? Becka asked, sitting on the end of Annies bed.

Well, tomorrow we slave away in the kitchen all day, consume ma.s.sive quant.i.ties of food, watch giant *

balloons shaped like cartoon characters get dragged down a New York street, and then fall into a stupor. But tonight is wide open. Is there anything you want to do?

It would be fun to meet your friends, said Becka. Youve told me so much about them that I feel like I know them already.

That could be a problem, said Annie hesitantly.

Why? Becka asked when Annie didnt continue. Dont you think theyd like me?

Oh, no! replied Annie. I think theyd love you. Its just that Cooper is having an early Thanksgiving with her folks and Kate” She stopped.

Is in a womens prison? Becka said dramatically. What?

Annie sighed. Can I talk to you about something? she asked.

Sure, Becka said. Im all ears.

It doesnt make me look very good, said Annie warily. To tell the truth, Im terrified that youll think Im a horrible person.

It must be really good, then, Becka replied. Then, seeing Annies face, she said, Seriously, I dont think I could ever think of you as a bad person. So spill it.

Annie sat down on the bed. She badly wanted to tell Becka what she was going through. She needed to talk to someone who wasnt as close to the situation as Cooper was, and definitely not as close as Kate was. Although she and Becka really only knew one another from their telephone calls, Annie felt that they were friends. At least, she hoped they were.

Still, she didnt know how to say what she had to say. No matter what form it took, it sounded awful to her. Finally she just took a deep breath and said quickly, I sort of cheated on Kate with her boyfriend.

Well, as much as you can cheat on someone youre not actually romantically involved with. But you get the idea.

Beckas eyes went wide. She opened her mouth. Then she closed it again. Then she opened it again.

You look like a fish, Annie said.

Becka did the opening-and-closing-her-mouth thing a few more times. Um”wow, she said finally.

You do think Im a horrible person, Annie said.

Becka shook her head. No, I dont, she said. She looked at Annie for a moment. When you say you cheated, do you mean that you”you know? She raised her eyebrows and waited for Annies answer.

Annie looked at her for a moment, confused. Then she realized what Becka was asking. Oh! she said, a little shocked. No. I mean, Ive never. No, we didnt. No. Definitely not.

Becka smiled slightly. Then what exactly do you mean? she asked.

We kissed, Annie said. But that wasnt the big deal, really. It was more the way we felt about each other.

Meaning? Becka queried.

Annie bit her lip for a moment. How could she best explain what had gone on between her and Tyler?

It was like we both felt that if the situation was different, the two of us would be together, she said.

Becka nodded. Got you, she said. If Kate wasnt around, youd be the one smooching with him.

Its like were just more right together than he and Kate are, Annie said, talking to herself as much as to Becka.

But not enough for him to break up with her? asked Becka.

I dont know what h.e.l.l do, said Annie. But even if he did do that, we couldnt be together. That would just be too weird. I mean, Kates my best friend. Weve been through a lot together.

And now the problem is that you feel weird around her, Becka said. Because you feel all guilty.

Right, Annie said. Even though nothing is going on between me and Tyler right now, every time I see Kates face I think about how she trusts me and how I betrayed that trust. I want to tell her everything and just get it out in the open.

Dont! Becka exclaimed. Whatever you do, do not tell her about this.

But” Annie began.

Becka reached out and touched her leg. Just listen, she said. I know how you feel. Trust me, I do.

And I can tell you that the absolute worst thing you can do is tell Kate about this. The only person who will feel any better is you . You want to tell her because you want to get it off your chest. You want her to forgive you. But you know what? Shes going to feel horrible, because youre going to put her in this position where if she doesnt forgive you she looks like the bad guy, and if she says she forgives you when she doesnt shes going to hurt like crazy. Right now she doesnt know anything about this. You and Tyler seem to have decided that things between you arent going to go anywhere. Maybe h.e.l.l break up with Kate. Maybe he wont. But this is about you and Kate.

Becka stopped talking and took Annies hand. I know that was a long speech, she said. But this is something I know about. Someone cheated on me once. He decided to come clean, and I really wish he hadnt. It wasnt going to happen again, and it didnt mean anything. It was just something that happened.

But as soon as I found out, it made me doubt everything. I ended up losing a great guy and a great friend because I couldnt handle it.

But if I dont tell her, then Im always going to feel guilty, Annie said.

Maybe you will, answered Becka. Maybe it will go away with time. But look at it as the price you have to pay to make your friend happy by keeping her in the dark. You made a mistake, Annie. We all make mistakes. Dont make it worse now by dumping your hurt on Kate so that you can try to feel better. Tell me. Tell Cooper. Tell whoever you know will listen and keep their mouth shut. But theres one person you never tell, and thats Kate.

Annie felt the tears beginning to come. She sniffled, holding them back. I was so stupid, she said. All I had to do was not kiss him. Why couldnt I do that? Of all the guys in the world, why did I have to go and kiss that one?

Because you did, said Becka. Dont a.n.a.lyze it. Beat yourself up a little bit and then let it go.

I dont know how, Annie told her. I just dont know how.