Part 31 (1/2)
I nodded again, counting who was going in what bedrooms in my mind. ”So, we'll have one room left over for a guest room. What are we going to do if, you know, you get married or something? I mean, it's something to think about if we're buying a house together.”
He looked at me funny, like I just said the dumbest thing.
”What happens if you you get married?” He asked. get married?” He asked.
I almost laughed. A stupid chuckle left my mouth instead. ”I think my current state is as good as it's gonna get for me. I'm so not on the market.”
”Why would you even say that?” He said, irritated.
”No one buys broken items,” I sighed, and reached over him and scrolled through the houses.
”People buy broken cars and fix them up all of the time.”
”I'm not a broken hot rod. I'm more like...a shattered vase. No one buys those.”
”Why are we talking about you like you're an inanimate object?”
”What about this house?” I clicked on a four bedroom house, but Luke pushed my hand away and slammed the laptop shut.
”This is driving me crazy,” he said, jumping to his feet. ”Sometimes I see that woman I knew so well, but as soon as she starts to come out, you push her back down into the dark.”
”That's poetic,” I smirked, also getting to my feet. I needed something to do instead of sitting there. I started folding some clean laundry sitting in a basket.
”Why?” He asked. ”Why are you so afraid to be her?”
”Maybe you've forgotten, but that woman you knew so well screwed you over and broke your heart.”
”You know what? Honestly?” He said, s.n.a.t.c.hing the clothes away from me. ”More often than you think, I do do forget, and really, I may never forget entirely, but I have forgiven you. I forgive you entirely, no more animosity, but you can't forgive yourself.” forget, and really, I may never forget entirely, but I have forgiven you. I forgive you entirely, no more animosity, but you can't forgive yourself.”
”Luke, really!” I snapped. ”Why are you bombarding me with all of this serious s.h.i.+t lately?”
”Because in order for us to move forward, we need to deal with that s.h.i.+t, Em. You need to deal with what Kyle did to you and you need to deal with your feelings about yourself.”
”I am am dealing with it!” dealing with it!”
”Hiding behind your kid and your job will only hold up for so long.”
I rolled my eyes and exhaled loudly and walked out of the room. Luke was hot on my heels.
”Great idea! Run away! That's a great way of dealing with your problems.”
I paced the living room, while Luke stood off to the side.
”So, you've made some mistakes,” he said, with a little less aggression. ”We have all made some mistakes.”
”Yeah, your mistake was, how did you put it? Oh yeah. You had this inflated idea of who I was and it's not my fault that I didn't live up to your expectations.” I stood in the middle of the room, staring at the floor, breathing heavily. Saying it out loud really made me understand how badly it had hurt me when he said it.
”I was hurting pretty bad,” he said softly. ”I wanted you to feel my pain. I apologize, I didn't really mean it. Had I known then how deeply damaged you really were, I would have behaved differently, and I should have anyway. I didn't treat you the way I should treat the mother of my child. I've really been trying to make it up to you and be a better man.”
I didn't know what to say to that. I was a little surprised.
”Em, I know you're broken, okay?” He said with a sense of urgency. ”But I need to know what broke you so I can fix you.”
I stared at him for a dumbfounded moment before returning my attention back to the floor. ”Why would you want to bother? Is it making me a bad mom?”
”You're an excellent mother. I want to because I love you, and it kills me to see you like this.”
”Oh.”
I didn't have to respond, because the buzzer sounded. Luke grabbed his wallet and went down to meet the pizza guy. I sat down on the couch, feeling anxious and confused. Luke had not told me he loved me in a very long time. Did he love me love me? Or just love me as his baby mama?
When he returned with the food, I expected him to pick up where we left off, but he didn't. We sat on the couch for the rest of the afternoon nibbling on pizza and wings and watching television. He sat close to me and always had an arm behind me across the back of the couch. My anxiety grew until I thought I would burst, but just before reaching that point, Luke got up and left to get Lucas.
We slept in the bed together again that night, but this time my rest wasn't disrupted by intruding questions about my past. We crashed on opposite sides of the bed, much to my relief. In the morning, I woke up to find Luke and Lucas at the dining room table having a meaningful conversation about Elmo. I could only understand a few words, but Luke nodded and spoke at what seemed like the appropriate times.
”Are you playing hooky again?” I asked Luke after kissing the baby good morning.
”Impossible. I am co-owner of the firm. I can do whatever I want.”
”Humble.”
”I want to take Lucas to the zoo today and tonight you and I are having date night.”
”Date night?” I asked doubtfully.
”Yep. I already asked Diane to babysit.”
Diane was Luke's nineteen year old cousin. She was cute and perky and all of the Kessler kids loved her.
”I know I'm not Brad Pit, but I think I make a pretty good date,” Luke said when I didn't answer.
I couldn't hide my small smile. ”I guess.”
”Oh my G.o.d, Lucas! Did you see that?”
”Smarta.s.s,” I muttered and went into the kitchen.
The boys went to the zoo, but I stayed home to clean and do laundry. Luke wasn't letting me off of the hook for date night, explaining that I needed to get out. Maybe he was right, because unless it was a family function, I didn't do anything or go anywhere. While he and Lucas were gone, I convinced myself that this was a good thing, that it didn't necessarily signify anything romantic.
Diane arrived at four-thirty and Luke and I were out the door a few minutes later.
”Where are we going?” I asked as we stomped down the sidewalk.
”Let's just see where our feet take us,” he said, taking my hand.
”You mean you didn't plan anything?”
”Nope.”
”You suck a little at this dating thing,” I said.