Part 44 (2/2)

=A Sad Drinking Bout=

The following story of an occurrence at one of the drinking bouts in Scotland, at which the Laird of Garscadden took his last draught, has often been told, but it will bear repet.i.tion. The scene occurred in the wee clachan of Law, where a considerable number of Kilpatrick lairds had congregated for the ostensible purpose of talking over some parish business. And well they talked and better drank, when one of them, about the dawn of the morning, fixing his eye on Garscadden, remarked that he was ”looking unco' gash.”

Upon which the Laird of Kilmardinny coolly replied, ”Deil mean him, since he has been wi' his Maker these twa hours! I saw him step awa', but I dinna like to disturb guid company!”

The following epitaph on this celebrated Baccha.n.a.lian plainly indicates that he was held in no great estimation among his neighbors:

”Beneath this stane lies auld Garscad, Wha lived a neighbor very bad; Now, how he finds and how he fares, The deil ane kens, and deil ane cares.”

=Not Surprised=

Benjamin Greig, one of the last specimens of tie-wig and powder gentry, and a rich old curmudgeon to boot, one day entered the shop of Mr.

Walker--better known, however, by the nickname of ”Sugar Jock”--and accosting him, said, ”Are you no' muckle astonished to hear that Mr.

L---- has left 20,000?”

”Weel, Mr. Greig,” replied ”Sugar,” ”I wad hae been mair astonished to hear that he had ta'en it wi' him.”

Greig gave a grunt and left the shop.

=The Best c.r.a.p=

A baby was out with its nurse, who walked it up and down a garden.

”Is't a laddie or a la.s.sie, Jess?” asked the gardener.

”A laddie,” said the maid.

”Weel,” said he, ”I'm glad o' that; there's ower mony la.s.ses in the world already.”

”Hech, man,” said Jess, ”div ye no ken there's aye maist sawn o' the best c.r.a.p?”

=A Marriage ”Not Made in Heaven”=

Watty Marshall was a simple, useless, good-for-nothing body, who somehow or other got married to a terrible shrew of a wife. Finding out that she had made a bad bargain, she resolved to have the best of it, and accordingly abused and thrashed her luckless spouse to such an extent that he, in despair, went to the minister to get unmarried.

The parson told him that he could do him no such service as marriages were made in heaven.

”Made in heaven, sir,” cried Watty; ”it's a lee! I was marriet i' your ain kitchen, wi' your twa servant hizzies looking on! I doubt ye hae made an awfu' mistake wi' my marriage, sir, for the muckle fire that was bleezing at the time made it look far mair like the other place! What a life I'll hae to lead, baith in this world and the next, for that blunder o' yours, minister!”

=”Another Opportunity”=

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