Part 4 (2/2)
=A Scotch ”Squire”=
”What name, sir?” said a booking clerk at a coach office in Paisley, to a person who was applying for a seat in the Glasgow coach.
”What hae ye to dae wi' my name, gin I gie ye the siller?” replied the applicant.
”I require it for the way-bill; and unless you give it, you can't have a place in the coach,” said the clerk.
”Oh! gin that be the case, I suppose ye maun hae't. Weel, then, my name's John Tamson o' b.u.t.ter Braes, an' ye may put 'Esquire' till't, gin ye like; at least, I live on my ain farm.”
=Peter Peebles' Prejudice=
”Ow, he is just a weed harum-scarum creature, that wad never take his studies; daft, sir, clean daft.”
”Deft!” said the justice; ”what d'ye mean by deft--eh?”
”Just Fifish,” replied Peter; ”wowf--a wee bit by the East--Nook, or sae; it's common case--the ae half of the warld thinks the t.i.ther daft.
I have met folk in my day that thought I was daft mysell; and, for my part, I think our Court of Session clean daft, that have had the great cause of Peebles against Plainstanes before them for this score of years, and have never been able to ding the bottom of it yet.” [20]
=English versus Scotch Sheep's Heads=
A Scottish family, having removed to London, wished to have a sheep's head prepared as they had been accustomed to have it at home, and sent the servant to procure one.
”My gude man,” said the girl, ”I want a sheep's head.”
”There's plenty of them,” replied the knight of the knife, ”choose one for yourself.”
”Na, na,” said she, ”I want ane that will sing (singe).”
”Go, you stupid girl,” said he, ”whoever heard of a sheep's head that could sing?”
”Why,” said the girl in wrath, ”it's ye that's stupid; for a' the sheep's heads in Scotland can sing; but I jalouse your English sheep are just as grit fules as their owners, and can do naething as they ocht.”
=Seeking, not Help, but Information--and Getting It=
The landlord of the hotel at the foot of Ben Nevis tells a story of an Englishman stumbling into a bog between the mountain and the inn, and sinking up to his armpits. In danger of his life he called out to a tall Highlander who was pa.s.sing by, ”How can I get out of this?” to which the Scotchman replied, ”I dinna think ye can,” and coolly walked on.
=Compulsory Education and a Father's Remedy=
One of the members of a Scottish School Board was recently discussing the question of compulsory education with a worthy elector, who addressed him as follows: ”An' that's gospel, is't, that ye're gaun to eddicatt my bairns whuther I will or no?”
The member proceeded to explain.
”Weel, I'll just tell ye. Ye say they're to be eddicatt; I say they're no' an' they sanna. I'll droon them first!”
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