Part 5 (1/2)

=”No Lord's Day!”=

In a certain district in the Highlands, the bell-man one day made the following proclamation: ”O yes, O yes, and O yes; and that's three times! You'll all pe tak' notice, that there will pe no Lord's day here next Sabbath, pecause the laird's wife wants the kirk to dry her clothes in!”

=Dead Shot=

An ironmonger who kept a shop in the High Street of Edinburgh, and sold gunpowder and shot, when asked by any ignorant person in what respect ”patent” shot--a new article at that time--surpa.s.sed the old kind, ”Oh, sir,” he would answer, ”it shoots deader.”

=Quid Pro Quo=

An old Scottish beggar, with bonnet in hand, appealed to a clergyman for ”a bit of charity.” The minister put a piece of silver into his hand.

”Thank ye, sir; oh, thank ye! I'll gie ye an afternoon's hearing for this ane o' these days.”

=The Scottish Credit System=

An intimation hung in a warehouse in Glasgow was to this effect: ”No credit given here, except to those who pay money down.”

=Scotch ”Paddy”=

”Noo, my gude bairns,” said a schoolmaster to his cla.s.s ”there's just another instance o' the uncertainty o' human life; ane o' your ane schulemates--a fine wee bit la.s.sie--went to her bed hale and weel at night and rose a corpse in the morning.”

=The Importance of Quant.i.ty in Scholars.h.i.+p=

Charles Erskine was, at the age of twenty, a teacher of Latin in Edinburgh University. On one occasion, after his elevation to the bench, a young lawyer in arguing a case before him used a false Latin quant.i.ty, whereupon his lords.h.i.+p said, with a good-natured smile, ”Are you sure, sir, you are correct in your _quant.i.ty_ there?”

The young counsel nettled at the query, retorted petulantly, ”My lord, I never was a schoolmaster.”

”No,” answered the judge, ”nor, I think, a scholar either.”

=Capital Punishment=

Andrew Leslie, an old Scotchman, always rode a donkey to his work and tethered him, while he labored, on the road, or wherever else he might be. It was suggested to him by a neighboring gentleman that he was suspected of putting him in to feed in the fields at other people's expense.

”Eh, laird, I could never be tempted to do that, for my cuddy winna eat anything but nettles and thistles.”

One day, however, the same gentleman was riding along the road when he saw Andrew Leslie at work, and his donkey up to his knees in one of his own clover fields feeding luxuriously.

”Hollo! Andrew,” said he, ”I thought you told me your cuddy would eat nothing but nettles and thistles.”

”Ay,” was the reply, ”but he misbehaved the day; he nearly kicked me ower his head, sae I put him in there just to punish him!”

=”Plucked!”=

Scotch parish schoolmasters are, on their appointment, examined as to their literary qualifications. One of the fraternity being called by his examiner to translate Horace's ode beginning, ”Exegi monumentum aere perennius,” commenced as follows: ”Exegi monumentum--I have eaten a mountain.”