94 I’m fucking forced! (1/2)

My mind is in a state of paranoia, but Nanny has already gently held my hand, and then takes the cigarette, which has just burned only half.

She steps back half a step, looks up at me, then slowly takes a smoke, then slowly spew out.

After the blue smoke, her eyes are dim and twinkling.

”I am a woman.” She finally opens her mouth, due to she has cried, her voice is hoarse, with a little nasal: ”And I am no longer young, for a woman, over thirty years old, is a terrible thing.”

I say nothing.

She leans against the wall with her arms, and her face is very weak. She has a feeling of distressing care: ”Chen Yang... Do you know how a woman's feeling when over thirty years old?”

”... I don't know.” I admit it frankly.

”It's hard.” Her mouth spit out these three words, and then her eyes glance on the ceiling. She seems to have a gentle smile, but there is no joy in the smile: ”I dress myself beautiful every day. But only when I take off my make-up every night can I know that I have a little more crow's-tail lines around my eyes. Although everything I give myself is the best. But how many years can a woman like me remain young?”

”I'm the only one at home. I'm even scared when it gets dark. Sometimes I try to find an excuse to go home. I'd rather stay in the company until nobody else leaves. Because I know, the house is empty, even if I sit for a night, no one will come and say a word to me! In the night, when I sit here, I feel cold all over! That kind of coolness comes out from the bottom of my heart! It's from the bone! I will try my best to turn on all the lights at home! Turn on the TV, the stereo, all of them! For a whole night! Every room! Then I sit on the sofa and wait...” Suddenly she gives a bitter smile. Then she shakes her head and whispers, ”I don't even know what I'm waiting for.”

”Chen Yang... I'm over thirty years old... The youth left to me is very few. Maybe not for long, no... Should say now! Now I'm walking on the road, some little girls have already called my aunt! Instead of calling my sister! But sometimes I think, I am thirty years old, but still a person, no one loves me, no one accompanies me, no one will coax me to be happy, coax me to sleep. When I woke up with a nightmare in the middle of the night, I didn't even have a hug to calm me down. Do you know...” She looks into my eyes, tears flashing in her eyes: ”Often at night, after I had nightmares, I sat down with a quilt in my arms until dawn.”

I can't say a word at all!

If a woman is willing to show all her weakness and helplessness in front of you, so what else can you say?

”You really look like a person.” She sighs, and a strange look slips through her eyes. ”I remember that I have said to you, you look like him. Even the character is very similar too, the same stubborn. You are tough, not willing to bow. But your eyes are occasionally showing very gentle lights. It's similar to him, too.”

I still can't speak a word.

”See you for the first time. I have some... I almost couldn't control my emotions.” She shakes her head. ”Do you remember what I asked you to do for me in my house that afternoon?”

”I remember.” I nod.

Her eyes shows a trace of shyness and guilt: ”That day, I was thinking all night. I decided to bring you back. I... I had a plan... Or to say a decision that made me feel ashamed of myself.”

”Well?”

She takes a deep breath, blushes and trembles, ”I... I was going to seduce you.”

My brain is almost exploded!

She... Want to seduce me?

She intends to... Seduce... Me?

Her face is ashamed, her head is almost hanging down to her chest, and she says in a very thin voice, ”I... Is it shameless? Am I a very shameless woman?”

When she raises her head again, tears come down from her eyes: ”I feel degrading too. I thought for a night, I couldn't stand it anymore. I just want to be able to have a warm embrace. I want a person can take care of me carefully, be kind to me, even if only once, it'll be enough! Enough!”

She reaches out and gently holds my face. ”And you look like him so much. So much alike! I couldn't help thinking that even if I could only stay in your arms for a while. Just for a moment, I'm satisfied too. Sorry Chen Yang... Sorry, I know my ideas are dirty and despicable. But I really can't stand it anymore. I don't want to wake up every night and sit until dawn!”

Although there is no mirror, but I can feel that my face must be ugly now.

Finally, she sighs, ”But... The other day, when you came, I found myself still can't do it.” Suddenly she hugs me hard and says hoarsely, ”I'm not a degrading woman! I'm not! Not!” Then she seems to lose her strength and falls softly into my arms. I quickly put my arms around her and say softly, ”Do you want to sit down?”

”No!” She says softly in my arms, ”Let me hold for a minute, just a minute, may I?”

I sigh deeply and hold my arms.

She groans a little, her head rests on my shoulder, and whispering on. Her voice is blurred and somewhat dreamy. ”You were here that afternoon and helped me do so many things. I looked at you in the back, just looked and looked. One moment it's you, another moment it's him, but the decision in my heart collapses at a fraction of the time. Chen Yang, do you know? Since I lived here, you...” She looks up and says, ”You're the first man to walk into this house.”

”I believe!” I nod at once.

”Um...” She hums softly: ”That afternoon, I drank wine, a little dizzy, but I was not drunk... At that time, I thought just let it go. Just let me degrade for once. Anyway, I won't meet anybody who really loves me anymore in my life, there won't be someone anymore. Just one time, just once.” Suddenly she's laughing, as if mocking: ”That afternoon... Do you think I'm really drunk? I didn't... I actually knew that I was conscious at the time. You took me upstairs, and I was wondering whether you couldn't help it. If you're like the guys outside who're not good, just thinking about how to get a woman to bed. I think, come on, just one time, just take it as a warm memory, let me have less nightmares in my future life. Actually, I'm still very timid. I dare not take the initiative, just give myself to you, then if you want to do anything to me, I will not resist.” At last her voice cools down: ”But only once, if you really did something that day, I'll let you leave the next day.”

”And then?” Suddenly I ask a silly, idiotic question.

She smiles and looks up.

Look at her smile from such a close distance. It's really beautiful. It's fascinating. Her eyes are curved, like the crescent moon, slightly upward corner, very charming, very amorous appearance.

”And then... Well... When you took me upstairs, I was ready. Think you were going to carry me into the room. But I didn't expect you to be such a fellow who had held me up for a lap and down again. I almost couldn't pretend anymore. I said to myself at that time, you are a strange person. Are you suddenly cowardly at such a moment?” She blinks and looks a little strayed. ”Your men, aren't you all impulsive?”

I open my mouth and have a little sweat on my head: ”That... I really didn't think of any other evil thoughts that day. I just wanted to take you into the room and let you lie down and rest. I didn't expect anything else. It's my conscience of heaven and earth!”

She nods. Her eyes are full of tenderness: ”I... Believe you!”

”Were you really not drunk that day?” I have some bitterness on my face.

”A little.” She smiles faintly and says, ”Although kept a little sober, but I also really felt dizzy.”

”How dizzy”

”I'm so dizzy that... I can dare to indulge myself.”

I'm speechless.

”Chen Yang, thank you! Fortunately, you didn't touch me that day.” She then draws back her smile and looks at me very seriously. ”Because you didn't touch me that day, it would give me a chance to feel this feeling now slowly, or torture perhaps?”

”Well…” I'm still speechless.

”That day, you did not touch me, but later you went out to buy me medicine, and then came back, I really could not hold anymore. My brain is very dizzy, very sleepy...” She blushes and says, ”Later, you slept on the sofa with me for an afternoon. Among that time, I was awake for a while, and I was over the bottle. I had some regrets in my heart. I wanted to push you away. But I couldn't bear it. I hadn't slept so smoothly for a long time. You held me in the back, held me up, and didn't let me fall down. I felt very dependent. I was a little worried and uneasy, but then I had a very good sleep. I said to myself, you are a good man. A real good man!”

I feel a little burning on my face. Actually, all that afternoon, I held her in my arms and fought against my own impulses all the time.

”Later that night, my body... Well, I'm not feeling well. You take good care of me. I haven't been looked after like that for a long time.” Her eyes are filled with emotion, ”Do you remember that I was angry with you? For Yumi. I was very sad at that time. Suddenly a childlike temper came out of my heart, as if it was a kind of fear. I'm afraid that one of my favorite toys I just saw will be stolen by someone else!”

”Do you remember when we came out of dinner at night and got angry with you in the car? In fact, I know in my heart that my temper is very unreasonable, and the words I said are childish. But I just can't help it!” She blushes and hangs her head and says, ”Actually, girls are all like that. I just want to lose my temper intentionally and no reason on purpose. I don't know why. I want to feel the feeling of being coaxed by you. As a result, you really come to coax me with good words. In fact, it was fun to fight with you, especially when I watched your gentle tone to coax me, I was almost crying out at that time.”

”…” I am speechless still.

Sister, come on, you are my boss! I was holding the meal plate from you at that time. Would it be all right if I didn't say something gentle to coax you?

Of course, I absolutely dare not say that now!

”Later, you took me to midnight dinner. I haven't been to that dilapidated roadside shop for a long time!” Her eyes lights up: ”Usually people invite me to dinner, are ordered those high-end restaurants, you take me to eat those barbecues, but I think it's very interesting, grabbing meat kebabs with hands, it's fun.” At this point, she says in a deep voice: ”Later, we met those hooligans. When they insult me, you stood up and fought with them.” Suddenly she's staring at me. ”And you pulled me behind you. You used your body to block in front of me.”

Suddenly she's hugging me forcefully: ”Chen Yang, do you know that after you were taken away by the police, I cried all the way back? I even broke my oath and called for help with my relationship! I've forgotten how long... How long has it been since I cried for a man!” She grits her mouth and staring at me. ”After I met you, I cried a lot more than all these years combined!”

”I…” I just want to say something. She has reached out and blocked my mouth to stop me from speaking.

”I'm willing!” She says firmly, ”I'm willing! These are all my own volunteers! That night, I would rather you sent me home. That's because I just want to stay with you a little longer, just a little longer!”