2 Chapter 2 - Dear Diary (1/2)

It's awful.

I spend the whole month at home, crying, pondering, eating snacks, drinking soju, watching Korean Drama, literally the whole month during my break. My boss Kenny didn't even make a call during my break, he understands me, so well that was nice.

I was running out of soju, I barely feel my cheeks, but drinking make me calm. I stood up from bed and push my phone inside the training pants' pocket, my pocket was too shallow so I accidentally dropped it on the floor. I kneel down to pick up my phone, then I saw a box hiding under my bed which brings me curious, I drag it to me closer and sit down cross –legged, placing the pinky box above my legs. I took the lid off, some diaries stacked inside, also messy pictures scattered around the diaries.

”do I even have these such things?” I wondered, I barely remember them since I move out from the house quickly, took all the things from my bedroom and move them to my current apartment with my own savings. I saved more than enough since I was a kid planning for her escape plans. I spent a little while students in my age were spending money like a machine gun shooting without hesitation, that makes me different with the other kids.

I flip the box, let the diaries and the pictures scattered around the floor. It was dusty and old, the pictures are mostly faded, but I can still recognize them.

I took a navy blue wool covered book which is actually covered by dust, when I blow it, the dust flew through the air which tickles my nose.  I flip the cover, there was my name written in capslock on the first page.

”STEFFI”

My writings when I was maybe in 4th grade, stiff and full of correction –tapes or double correction –tapes in a word. A picture appeared in the next page, a picture of the United States, Canada, Mexico, and Alaska. I remember the time when I googled them at the Internet Café during my weekend, I lied my dad I went out for homeworks and stuffs, while I actually google the pictures, print it out and study the country one by one.

It happens until I grow older and older. Last book was written when I was in Middle School - High School, I was about 13-16 years old that time. Then I met Rony and stop writing diary.

These diaries remind me sort of the miserable childhood memories, while my dad and mom divorced and blame it on me. I take a deep breath and close my eyes shut.

”past days will stay as past, presents is awesome, future will be a surprise” speaking to myself

I have to move on and continue my life, I have to stay focus on my career. Even Kenny is sometimes annoying, I don't want to disappoint him, and yet I promised him I will come back by next Monday.

I have no friends or families to share. I am all alone right now, and was looking for something to cheer myself.

I step forward to watch the tall shelves towered in front of me, with various kinds of new notebooks arranged tidily. I tip my toe and reach the black diary, when I finally reached it, I flip the book back and front to make sure it's still in awesome condition.

I throw myself inside the car and start the engine, adjusting the rear view mirror looking at myself. My eyebags were full covered in dark color, I look like a dying zombie, my face is pale and bare without make ups on, my hair is long, oily and messy.

”should I cut my hair?” I bit my upper lips, but I changed my mind and drive home.

I got back to my apartment with a plastic of soju and a diary complete with colorful pens. I was planning to write a diary, like what I did few years ago.

eomma ttaemun-e nal tteonalgeoya?

I take a shot of soju and wipe my tear with blanket with my other hand.

”HYERI ! COME BACK !” I yelled and hit my forehead with my palm. I was driven insane by sad romantic K-dramas nowadays. I stand up and head to the kitchen for a dinner, when I turn my body looking at the black diary on the table. As I wait for the water boils, I tear the plastic from the new diary and start writing

Dear diary,

Long time no write, and well I've broken up with my 5 years boyfriend.

-      May 3rd

”Ah this is not right ! I have to move on !” I moaned and tear the paper, squeeze and throw it to the rubbish.

***

I finally come back to work, I washed my hair 3 times yesterday since I haven't wash them for the whole week, ah but you have to understand me. Grateful that I have the urge to take a lunch and dinner even I skip breakfast too often because I woke up at noon, and I rarely take a bath.

The elevator brought me up to the 8th floor.

Well, the office is just busy like usually. The elevator cling and the door close itself automatically.

”STEFFI !” Kenny called by the hallway and I was startled, I tilt my head looking at him walking towards me, then he shakes my hand and pat my shoulder.

”how do you do?” he asked

I fake -smile at him. ”I am okay boss. Which documents I have to check?”

”Ah, I will ask somebody to bring that to you, no need to worry” he implied.

I plug my key in, and bring myself inside the office.

Knock knock

”Steffi?” Kenny peep from the side of the glassy door, I can only see his head and right hand fingers.

”You really doing okay?”

He steps in and the door slid itself close.

”I am okay boss” still busy checking the files, staring him for only a second.

”You know Stef, I understand you..”

”Boss, I am really okay” I strictly cut him off.

”Okay. Have a nice day” he left the office.

I rub my forehead and sighed

”The life I have is not as easy as people would ever feel” I thought .

I slid my chair looking at the window view from the 8th floor, I can see my own reflection, I was looking so pale and sick. I leaned my head to the chair, inhale exhale deeply with eyes closed.