Part 8 (1/2)

”George, George, come on hun, get it back in me, come on.....”

I saw his face slowly turn to beetroot as the resentment rose in him. As it did, so it rose in me too. I turned away, got up and shot an irritated glance at him as I walked to the bathroom.

”Well, I suppose it was good while it lasted!” I added sarcastically.

His face turned red. Then he bellowed.

”I am not a piece of meat!”

He started to put on his clothes. As soon as I realised he was going to leave the rage boiled over in me too.

”You b.a.s.t.a.r.d. Youre a f.u.c.king c.r.a.p kisser, your tongue is like a dish mop and you f.u.c.k like a pneumatic drill! Go on. p.i.s.s off out of here.”

He dressed quickly and did not bother to b.u.t.ton up his s.h.i.+rt or jacket before he made for the door. As he left the room, he turned around and with a cruel sneer made a parting remark that Ill never forget.

”And you, you old slapper, are never 25.”

I picked up a gla.s.s of water by the bed and threw it at him, but he closed the door and it smashed.

”f.u.c.k off out of here....!” I shouted at the top of my voice but he was already out of the front door before Id finished saying it.

I sat back on the bed and curled up. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with distress and an emotion that Id not felt for years. It grew inside me slowly, swelling like a wave and rolling slowly into sh.o.r.e. As I felt it get closer, the wave started to break, my emotions started to erupt, engulfing me and cras.h.i.+ng frenetically throughout my body. I felt my mouth twitch and my eyes grow moist. What am I doing? Im a grown woman picking up a teenager for s.e.x. What am I doing? Suddenly, I was being swept away on a huge wave of feeling. My pitifully shallow life crushed me. With my eyes dripping, I curled up into a ball and started to howl like a baby. My insides convulsed in pain, as if I had been run through with a wooden stake. Never in my life had I felt such pain and I wept for the first time in 11 years, the first time since I kicked out my university boyfriend after hed cheated on me with my best friend. And as I wept, I thought of only one thing. John. I wanted to be with John, to feel his arms around me, to weep as I lay on his chest. I thought of nothing else but to be with John.

Chapter 14.

I cried for an hour as thoughts bounced around my mind like a powerball inside a hollow steel container. I was all over the place, pulled this way, then that. Who am I? What is this life I have created? Why am I so afraid? Why do men treat me like s.h.i.+t? Why do I treat them like s.h.i.+t? As much as I hated George for saying it, I had treated him like a piece of meat, a succulent Sunday roast to devour and then throw away the carca.s.s. I never sought a relations.h.i.+p, certainly nothing that would last. Why not? What was I doing wasting my life?

Im not young any more. Okay, so I can pull the guys. But there is something missing that I cant understand. Ive lived like this, on and off, for ten years, never settling with anyone, never letting anyone settle with me. If they get too close, I push them away. If they run away, I get mad and grab onto someone else to ease the pain. There must be more. There must be something beyond pa.s.sion and s.e.x.

And, am I really happy at work? I tell everyone that I am, but I dont know any more. Every year that pa.s.ses, I earn more brownie points but feel less enthusiasm. The greater the responsibility, the less I seem to feel for people. In the past, I used to like the staff I recruited, to enjoy nurturing them and watching them grow. But now, it is a ch.o.r.e. Yet another person leaves and I have to shuffle everyone around, fill out more paper work, update more systems. Sometimes I wish people would just stay still.

I get up and go to the bathroom. My face is stained and I look ugly. I feel ugly. Who have I ever made happy? Ive done so much, but achieved so little. Same old, same old, week after week, month after month. I pull my hair back and begin to dab my face to remove some of the stains while the tears start to flow again. What is the point? As I throw myself on the bed, I look at the clock and the mobile phone next to it. Without a moments thought, I pick it up and type 'John and press 'Dial. It rings. And rings. Come on John, be there, pick it up. Pick it up.

”Urrm. Haes across strongly.

”Penny? You still there? What happened, love?”

I have no idea why, but the moment he said the word 'love I started to feel safer. I calmed down enough to get a sentence out.

”Im such a fool. Such a fool. Ive really f.u.c.ked up.” I knew I was not making much sense but at least some feelings were coming out.

”Just take your time. No hurry. Just tell me what happened.”

I paused. I really did not know what to say.

”Oh, John,” I said. ”Just hearing a friendly voice helps.”

”Good. Good. But whats happened?” he asked again.

”I feel so stupid. It is so stupid. I dont even understand why Im upset or why Ive called you. Please forgive me for waking you up, I just wanted to talk to someone.”

I knew that he would not be able to make head or tail of this, but as I talked I was trying to work out in my head exactly what it was that I was upset about. Why exactly was I crying?

”I just had a bad night,” I continued.

”Have you been attacked?” he said kindly.

”No. No. Its not that. Its just that....its just....you know I just dont know what it is. Im not even sure. Maybe it is the drink.”

I stopped for a moment and he spoke with a strong voice.

”Penny. Can you do something for me?”

”Ill try,” I replied.

”Can you get a pen and paper and write down what you are feeling now. Right now. Write out what you are feeling. Dont think too hard, just get a pen and paper and write.”

”Why?” I said with a puzzled tone.

”Tomorrow Ill come round and well read it together.”

And that was all he needed to say. To know that I was going to see him made such a difference that I felt my tears and distress subside. Normality returned.

”Thank you. Thank you, John. Ill call again in the morning.”

I could hear a womans voice again asking ”wher...uck....goin....morrow?” and then Johns voice explain that it was me on the phone and that I was seriously distressed by something. Then another faint question: ”why....ling you?”. He said he didnt know but that hed find out tomorrow. Before he signed off I heard her say in a less concerned, and much friendlier voice ”come...ack...t....ed, superman.”. Then he spoke to me again.

”I have to go now, Penny. Find that pen and paper. Start writing for me.”

I said that I would.

I got a pen and paper and started to think. I did so for over 30 minutes trying to form thoughts in my mind and get them down on paper. By the time I heard a key in the lock I had written only two words.

Im lonely.