Part 2 (1/2)

MR. T. Well, I don't see how I should ever strike that fair for myself, and I guess if there's anything to be seen we're bound to _see_ it, so me and my darter--allow me to introduce my darter to you--Maud, this gentleman is Mr.--I don't think I've caught your name, Sir--Podbury?--Mr. Podbury, who's kindly volunteered to conduct us round.

MISS T. _I_ should have thought you'd want to leave the gentleman some say in the matter, father--not to mention me!

PODB. (_eagerly_). But won't you come? Do. I shall be awfully glad if you will!

MISS T. If it makes you so glad as all that, I believe I'll come. Though what you could say different, after Poppa had put it up so steep on you, _I_ don't know. I'll just go and fix myself first. [_She goes._

MR. T. (_to_ PODBURY). My only darter, Sir, and a real good girl. We come over from the States, crossed a month ago to-day, and seen a heap already. Been runnin' all over Scotland and England, and kind of looked round Ireland and Wales, and now what _we've_ got to do is to see as much as we can of Germany and Switzerland and It'ly, and get some idea of France before we start home this fall. I guess we're both of us gettin' pretty considerable homesick already. My darter was sayin' to me on'y this evening at _table d'hote_, ”Father,” she sez, ”the vurry first thing we'll do when we get home is to go and hev a good square meal of creamed oysters and clams with buckwheat cakes and maple syrup.” Don't seem as if we _could_ git along without maple syrup _much_ longer.

(MISS TROTTER _returns._) You never mean going out without your gums?

[Ill.u.s.tration: ”WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU WERE MY TUTOR!”]

[_He roars._

MISS T. I guess it's not damp here--any. (_To_ PODBURY.) Now you're going to be _Mary_, and father and I have got to be the little lambs and follow you around.

[_They go out, leaving_ CULCHARD _annoyed with himself and everybody else, and utterly unable to settle down to his sonnet again._

IN AN UPPER CORRIDOR TWO HOURS LATER.

CULCH. (_coming upon_ PODBURY). So you've got rid of your Americans at last, eh?

PODB. _I_ was in no hurry, I can tell you. She's a ripping little girl--tremendous fun. What do you think she asked me about _you_?

CULCH. (_stiff, but flattered_). I wasn't aware she had honoured me by her notice. What _was_ it?

PODB. Said you had a sort of schoolmaster look, and wanted to know if you were my tutor. My tutor! [_He roars._

CULCH. I hope you--ah--undeceived her?

PODB. Rather! Told her it was t'other way round, and I was looking after _you_. Said you were suffering from melancholia, but were not absolutely dangerous.

CULCH. If that's your idea of a joke, all I can say is----

[_He chokes with rage._

PODB. (_innocently_). Why, my dear chap, I thought you wanted 'em kept out of your way!

[CULCHARD _slams his bedroom door with temper, leaving_ PODBURY _outside, still chuckling._

CHAPTER III.

_Culchard comes out of his Sh.e.l.l._

SCENE--_On the Coach from Braine l'Alleud to Waterloo. The vehicle has a Belgian driver, but the conductor is a true-born Briton._ MR. CYRUS K. TROTTER _and his daughter are behind with_ PODBURY. CULCHARD, _who is not as yet sufficiently on speaking terms with his friend to ask for an introduction, is on the box-seat in front._

MR. TROTTER. How are you getting along, Maud? Your seat pretty comfortable?

MISS TROTTER. Well, I guess it would be about as luxurious if it hadn't got a chunk of wood nailed down the middle--it's not going to have any one confusing it with a bed of roses _just_ yet. (_To_ PODB.) Your friend mad about anything? He don't seem to open his head more'n he's obliged to. I presume he don't approve of your taking up with me and father--he keeps away from us considerable, I notice.