Part 2 (2/2)

My Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages Study41

From 2010 to 2012 I extensively interviewed and surveyed married couples about their happiness in marriage and their various day-to-day habits for my book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages.

I was primarily interested in learning what the happiest couples did differently that was making them so happy and that others could replicate. This study included anonymous surveys of 1,304 married people-652 married couples-which were conducted either internally (by me and my team) or by the research firm Decision a.n.a.lyst (with whom we have worked on all our nationally representative surveys), and which provided a confidence level of 95 percent, plus or minus 5 percent. To ensure that neither spouse knew what the other had said, the spouses were always separated for the survey.

I identified the happiest couples by having each spouse answer this question: Are you, personally, generally happy in your marriage these days and enjoying being married? (Choose one answer.) 1. Yes!

2. Yes, most of the time.

3. It depends-sometimes yes, sometimes no.

4. Not really.

5. No! I am really unhappy.

The couples I wanted to study for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages were the ones where both the husband and the wife independently and anonymously answered ”Yes!” But since I had the ability to a.n.a.lyze couples, not just survey individuals, I also wanted to learn what percentage of husbands and wives independently agreed that they were happy.

As you'll see below, most studies find an extraordinarily high percentage of survey takers (usually above 90 percent) saying that they are happy in their marriages, and researchers have understandably been skeptical of those percentages. After all, just because a husband or wife says ”Yes, I'm happy” doesn't mean that their spouse would agree-which would mean the couple wouldn't be considered truly happy.

My survey, by contrast, was designed to weed out those cases, since I was categorizing partic.i.p.ants as couples, taking into account what each spouse said. We broke down the respondents into three categories. Here are the results from my internal surveys:42 The Highly Happy couples-34 percent These were what I call the Yes! couples, where both the husband and wife independently and anonymously answered that ”Yes!” they were happy and enjoying marriage (answer choice 1). Any couple where either spouse picked an answer other than this was put into one of the categories below.

The Happy couples-37 percent These are couples where both partners answered that they were happy most of the time, or one answered ”Yes!” and the other answered ”Yes, most of the time.”

The So-So and Struggling couples-29 percent Any couple where one or both spouses picked choices 3, 4, or 5 was put in this group. Most were in this group because one partner answered ”Sometimes yes, sometimes no.” There were many telling mismatches, where one partner said he or she was happy and the other party said ”Sometimes” or ”Not really” (such couples were always placed in this third group).

It was very encouraging that 71 percent of married couples were happy, with one-third being highly happy!

Even most of the 29 percent who aren't listed as happy have a ”sometimes yes, sometimes no” marriage; in other words, the so-so relations.h.i.+p that most people seem to think is the majority. But it isn't! Truth be told, the real happiness ratio is probably even higher than 71 percent, since several of the venues in which we did these surveys were likely to attract couples with a greater need for marriage intervention.

You can find out more details on what I found in this study (including the very telling habits of the highly happy couples) in The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages or at .

What Percent of Marriages Are Happy, According to Other Studies?

Beyond my own research, the following pages list what other studies have found.

Looking at my poll and all the others, the median number of those who say they are in happy marriages is around 90 percent. Although these numbers are certainly encouraging, it is likely that most of these surveys asking about happiness or satisfaction don't tell the whole story.

First of all, the survey language is often vague and probably doesn't offer enough choice at the bottom end of the scale. But more important, my own survey found that there was a nine percentage point drop from the number of individuals who described their marriage as happy and the number of couples that actually were happy once you take both spouses' answers into account. I think the same scenario is likely to apply to the other studies of individuals. So applying a similar haircut would bring down the median happiness ratio for couples to around an 80 percent level.51 Happiness Results from Other Studies*

Study and Findings Percent Happy or Very Happy The General Social Survey (GSS) has been run by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago43 since 1972. Their overall happiness numbers have remained fairly consistent over the last forty years, with around 98 percent of respondents describing their marriages as happy. These 2012 results are not yet published but were tabulated for us by GSS director Dr. Tom Smith:44 Taking all things together, how would you describe your marriage?

Very happy-65.4% Pretty happy-32.2% Not too happy-2.3%

98%.

A 2005 survey conducted by the Office of Survey Research at the University of TexasAustin for the National Fatherhood Initiative Marriage Survey (NFIMS) found 96 percent described their marriage as happy, and 88 percent as ”completely” or ”very” satisfied with their marriage.45 Taking things altogether, how would you describe your marriage?

Very happy-68.5% Pretty happy-27.9% Not too happy-3.6% All in all, how satisfied are you with your marriage?

Completely satisfied-50% Very satisfied-38% Somewhat satisfied-9% Not very satisfied-2% Not at all satisfied-1%

96%.

A GfK Roper poll (likely 2008) for Divorce360.com found that most people described a happy marriage as one where the couple was happy at least three-quarters of the time and that 75 percent of respondents indeed described themselves that way.46 Those who say they are happy in their marriages...

At least three-quarters of the time-75% At least half the time-15% Never happy-5%47

75%.

Marist conducted a 2010 poll for the Knights of Columbus,48 finding the following happiness levels among those who are married: Very happy-58% Happy-33% Not very happy-7% Not happy at all-2%

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