Part 22 (1/2)

I'm going to be a woman. I have eight months to get ready and I've got to be ready when it comes. I've got to love it and take care of it.”

Cautiously she stood up, and unsteadily walked toward the bedroom, one hand warm across her stomach. ”Now that I know, it's not so bad,” she said, speaking aloud as if to rea.s.sure herself. ”I don't resent it so much any more. Strange ... I'm not afraid of it. I don't know why, exactly. Yes, I guess I do ... It's Jack's. It's a part of him. It's a way to make it up to him for what I've done.”

She reached her bed and raised her eyes to the windows and the darkness and sparkle of the city outside. It looked very beautiful Jack was out there somewhere. He had to be; he couldn't have gone away, not this soon. His note sounded too much as if he were going to look for her, as if he knew he and Terry couldn't last, and he would have to search her out and make her try again.

Laura swept some pajamas and shoes off her bed and sat down with a curious feeling of elation and exhaustion. She stretched out, still fully dressed, and gazed at the ceiling.

I'll find him, she thought. Terry was staying at the Bell Towers. I heard him say so. Somebody'll know where they are. She felt very tired and she was surprised to find that she was crying again. There seemed to be no reason for it, except that she was having a baby. And it belonged to Jack too, and that made her smile through the tears.

A little later, when she dimly realized she was falling asleep, she thought of Beebo, and the thought twisted in her heart like a pain and almost brought her awake again. But it was over for Beebo now. Her life lay in another direction. Laura had to save Jack, and somehow, in the saving of him, would come her own life and strength. She knew it now, and it gave her the first peace she had known in all the years since she had first realized that she was a Lesbian.

Only the lightest rustle of air awakened her. She opened her eyes. It was still deep night; the room was dark except for the small bedlamp she had switched on when she lay down. And yet she was wide awake, and she knew he was there. Laura turned and saw him standing in the doorway to the bedroom, disheveled, his hands in his pockets, his round horn rims sliding down his nose. She came up suddenly on her elbow, so fast that her head swam a little.

They looked at each other in silence for a minute; first startled, then embarra.s.sed.

”Jack?” Laura said timidly, the way she had whispered it to the empty rooms earlier in the evening. And again her own voice awed her into silence.

He straightened and walked slowly toward her bed. At the foot, he stopped, his hands still in his pockets, his tie loosened, his s.h.i.+rt a little gray. His face was serious and tense, as if he were quite ready to believe she was a mirage.

At last he spoke to her softly. ”I've been coming back every night. I was hoping ... I thought you might...” He stopped, shutting his eyes for a minute as if to search for composure.

Laura sprang up to her knees on the bed and put her arms around him. ”I'm here,” she cried. ”I'm home, I love you, I won't leave again, Jack.”

But he loosened her arms gently. ”I don't believe you,” he said. ”I'm afraid to.”

”Believe me,” she exclaimed pa.s.sionately. ”Jack darling, please believe me.”

”We were going to leave for San Francisco Thursday,” he said, still slightly incredulous. 'Terry and I. I promised him, if you didn't come back.”

”When did he ever keep a promise to you?”

”I love him, Laura,” he reminded her.

That stopped her for a minute. She bowed her head and cast about desperately for something to say, something to convince him forevermore, as she herself was now convinced, that it was their only hope to make this marriage work.

”Jack, I'd have gone anywhere in the world to find you,” she said, unable to look at him while she talked for fear the sight of his face would make her cry again. ”I've had to hurt so many peopletoo manyto learn my lessons. And I was hurt as badly as the others. I've made mistakes, ugly ones, and I've been selfish and silly. But I've been trying, I have, Jack! And I've been learning. IIlove you.” She looked up at him now and for the very first time, in all their long acquaintance, she felt a pleasant flush in her cheeks at the sight of him. Him ... a man. She felt fl.u.s.tered suddenly, unable to go on speaking.

Jack saw it too after a moment, disbelieving it at first and then accepting it slowly, with wonderment. ”Laura,” he said. ”Do you still believe we're just a couple of scared kids? Do you still believe we're running away from the world by marrying each other? Do you think we're going to spend our whole lives running after a love that doesn't exist?”

”No,” she whispered.

”You're still my wife,” he said softly, and put his arms around her now, at last, and made her tingle with awkward new feelings and unbearable tenderness. ”Do you want to live with me again? As my wife?”

”Yes, Jack.” It wasn't the pa.s.sionate unreasoning yes she had flung at Beebo in desperation two weeks ago. It was quiet and intensely felt. It was a recognised necessity, but a beautiful one.

”For how long?” he asked skeptically.