Part 21 (1/2)
”I didn't have any money. And I had to see you.”
”Why?”
Laura put her head down on the bed on her clasped hands and began to cry. ”I love you,” she wept. And it was the first time since they had met that Beebo had heard her say it that way.
She got up on one elbow and leaned toward Laura. Her face was impa.s.sive, but shrewd. ”Not Tris?” she said.
”Not Tris.”
”Anybody else?”
”n.o.body else.” Laura lifted her tearful face. ”Oh, Beebo, I've done you so wrong, darling. I didn't know how bad it was. Lili told me”
”I know she did, the miserable b.i.t.c.h. G.o.d d.a.m.n her soul. The only secret she can keep is her age.”
”Beebo, I'll do anything for youanythingif you'll have me back. Oh, darling, it took me months to figure out what was wrong with me. I've been so confused. And lately I've been thinking of you all the time. I don't think I ever stopped loving you, Beebo. I thought when you saw me here you'd beat the h.e.l.l out of me. If you want to ... do it ... if it'll help.” She looked at her out of large frightened eyes, half expecting Beebo to jump her.
But Beebo sat up then, grasping her ankles with her hands. ”No, Laura, it's too late for that. What good would that do?” She made a face, frowning. ”There was a time when I would have. If you had come back last fall instead of now. I would have loved you enough then to hate you. But I've changed, Laura ... It doesn't seem to matter so much any more.”
There was a shocked silence from Laura. ”You mean,” she ventured finally, ”you don't love me any more? Oh, Beebo! Oh, Beebo! No!” She covered her mouth with both hands, pressed so tight they turned white.
Beebo looked at her curiously. ”I love you, Laura,” she said, but it was impersonal, detached, as if it were just another fact in her life like her job or her black hair. ”I'll always love you. But I'll never love you again the way I did before you ran out on me last summer. That was too much. When it happened it was a question of either dying of it ... or living with something else, changing myself. Becoming a different person. That's what happened.”
Laura, in her desperation, found the courage to touch Beebo then. She reached out for her, and Beebo unexpectedly turned to help her. She dragged Laura up on the bed with her two strong arms, and Laura gave a long groan of need and fear and grat.i.tude, all mixed up together. Beebo held her in both arms, her back pressed against the wall, watching Laura struggle to control her tears and trembling. She was kind, she was patient. And it scared Laura, who suddenly discovered that she missed the old stormy fury and pa.s.sion. Beebo seemed odd to her, and it was true that she had changed.
”Laura,” she said. ”I've been doing some thinking. I want to tell you something. Maybe you won't want to come back to me so much any more.”
”Let me tell you something first,” Laura begged. ”If I don't tell you, Beebo, I haven't any right to touch you. I haven't any right to be here. Maybe I don't anyway. Darling, II'm married.” Beebo gasped a little, and Laura said quickly, ”To Jack.”
Beebo simply gaped at her for a second and then she burst out laughing. ”Good G.o.d! That's what happened!” she exclaimed. ”You and Jack. Oh, G.o.d!”
”It wasn't exactlyridiculous,” Laura whispered, hurt. ”We loved each other.” But Beebo went on laughing.
”I'm sorry, baby, but it sounds so d.a.m.ngoofy,” she said.
And when she called her baby, Laura felt a small glow of warmth and hope. Maybe it wasn't hopeless; maybe things could work out. She clung to Beebo and found herself half laughing with her, and half weeping to hear Jack's name.
”Where is he now? Does he know you're here?” Beebo asked her.
”He knows,” Laura said, for there could be no doubt that he did.
”Did he send you? Married life got him down?”
”No, I ran away. II hurt him. It meant so much to him to have a wife and all.... ”She couldn't say any more about it; it broke her up to think of it.
Beebo sobered a little. ”You have a talent for that, Laurahurting people. Sometimes I think that's your only real ability.”
”I know,” Laura murmured, shame-faced. ”And the trouble is, I never want to. I never mean to. I'd give anything to undo it, once it's done. But I begin to feel like I'm smothering. Like I'd die of it if I can't get away.”
”Is that the way I made you feel?” Beebo said. Laura hung her head. ”Yes,” she whispered. ”I won't lie about it.”
”You can't very well. I read the d.a.m.n diaryevery word of it.”
Laura flushed at the thought of the thing. ”Beebo, II didn't understand before how you felt. Or how I felt myself. But I know now I love you.” She said it quivering with hope. But Beebo only answered, ”Do you, Laura? How do you know?” There was a little smile on Beebo's face. She asked the question gently as if she were talking to a bewildered child, brus.h.i.+ng Laura's hair from her forehead.
”Because I want so terribly to be with you,” Laura said, shaking her head to emphasize her words. ”I can't bear it like this, being apart from you.”
”I've changed so much,” Beebo said, wondering at it, ”and you haven't changed at all. Have you? I think you're just tired of being a wife, honey.”
”No. I love Jack. But it's different. I don't need him like I need you.”
”How about Jack? Doesn't he need you?”
Laura covered her face again with her hands to stifle the sudden sobs. ”A lot, I'm afraid. I'd be better off dead, Beebo, I swear I would. I've caused so much heart ache. And most of all to myself. I'm no good to anybody. I wish to G.o.d you'd get that big knife and do to me what you did to Nix. I wish you'd beat me the way you beat yourself”
”Laura! G.o.d, spare me!” And for a second the latent fire in her flared and gave Laura a curious thrill.
”I thought you would,” Laura cried. ”I was prepared for anything, even that, when I came here. I still can't believe youI mean, you seem so funny. I thought you'd hurt me, and you're so calm, so quiet”
Beebo shook her head, looking at Laura with her disillusioned eyes. ”I won't hurt you, baby,” she said.
”You said once you'd kill me,” Laura said wildly, as if she were asking for it, as if it would be proof of Beebo's huge need for her.
”I know. I meant it then, too. I was nearly crazy. But things have changed, Laura. I don't throw my threats around so easily any more. There was a time when I could have done it, but no more. No more. Stop crying, baby. Stop, honey.” She began to stroke Laura's long hair.
Laura looked up at her through pink eyes, her chest heaving in Beebo's warm embrace, and they gazed at each other for some time before Beebo told her, kindly, trying to ease it for her, ”I said I loved you, Laura. But it's not the same for me, now. I don't love you the way I used to. I couldn't and go on living.”
”You were my whole life for two years. I thought I couldn't exist without you. I thought it would be better to kill you and but with you than go on without you. So what did I do?” She smiled in contempt for herself. And pity. A bitter smile. ”I chickened out. I slaughtered a poor innocent pup instead. In the fury I should have saved for you. And what did it prove? Nothing. How did it help? It didn't. It was a wasted gesture, Laura. A stupid, senseless thing.”
”But you see, I was out of my mind in love with you at the time. Now all the madness has gone out of me, Laura. There's not much fire left.” And she bent suddenly to touch Laura's brow with her lips. Laura felt the sweet touch flow through her to her toes and she nestled close against Beebo, weeping at her words. ”It's not wild and wonderful and tormenting any more.”
”How did it happen?” Laura begged her, cruelly disappointed. ”Maybe it'll change.” She felt almost betrayed, as if she were in the arms of a stranger.
”No. I wouldn't want it to change, now. It happened because if it hadn't I would have died, Laura. I was so sick, so lost without you, that I would have gone to pieces. I'd have used the d.a.m.n cleaver on myself.”
”Oh!” Laura breathed, horrified.
”I changed to save my life ... and my sanity. It took all my strength, but I did it. And strangely enough, it was a relief. I felt as if I'd laid down a killing burden.” She looked down at Laura, pulling her so tight that they could feel one another's hearts beating, and Laura, her eyes shut, was saying to herself, ”No, no, no...”
”I love you still, baby,” Beebo told her. ”I know I should be proud and angry with you. I should kick you out or beat you up or both. But if I did it wouldn't mean anything. It would only hurt, like I hurt Nix, for no purpose. I know Lili and the rest of them will b.i.t.c.h at me for taking you back”
”Oh, will you, Beebo? Darling, darling, will you?”
”If you want it that way.... ”She stopped, looking into Laura's tearbright eyes.
”I want it that way,” Laura gasped.