Part 10 (2/2)

”All right.” He came over, pulling his chair, and sat down beside her. ”Marry me.”

Laura covered her face with her hands and gave a little moan. ”Is that all you can think of? Is that all you can say?” she said, and she sounded a little desperate. ”I'm in love with Tris, and Beebo wants to murder me and you want to many me. What good will that do? I might as well be dead as married!” And she said it so emphatically that Jack was stung.

But he never let personal hurts show.

”Mother, you're in a mess,” he said. ”n.o.body has a perfect solution for you. And you have none at all for yourself. So listen to one from an old friend who loves you and don't stomp on it out of sheer spite.”

”I'm sorry,” she murmured, sipping the drink again. She let the tears flow unchecked, without really crying. Her face was motionless, but still the tears rolled down her cheeks, as if they had business of their own unrelated to her emotion.

”Tell me something,” Jack said gently, putting an arm over the back of her chair and leaning close to her. And as always with him, she didn't mind. She liked his nearness and the fact that he was male and strong and full off affection for her. Perhaps it was because she knew he would never demand of her what a normal man would; because she felt so safe with him and so able to trust him. ”Tell me why you went to live with Beebo two years ago,” he said.

”I thought I loved her.”

”Why did you think you loved her?” he asked.

”Because shewell, she was soI don't know, Jack. She excited me.”

He lighted a cigarette with a sigh. ”And that's love,” he said. ”Excitement. As long as you're excited you're in love. When it turns flat you're not in love. Lord, what a way to live.”

Laura was taken aback by the selfishness she betrayed. ”I didn't mean it that way,” she said. It had never seemed so cheap to her before.

”Are you in love with Tris?” he asked.

”II” She was afraid to answer now.

”Sure you are,” he said. ”Just like Beebo. Fascinating girl. More excitement. Beebo's worn out now, let's try Tris. And when we wear Tris out, let's find another”

”Stop it!” Laura begged.

”Where's your life going, Laura?” he asked her. ”What have you done with it so far? Does it matter a d.a.m.n, really? To anybody but you ... and me?”

”And Beebo.”

”Beebo's more worried about where her next drink is coming from than she is about you.” He knew it wasn't true. He knew if it ever came to a choice, Beebo loved Laura desperately enough to give up drinking. But Jack was fighting for Laura now.

Laura began to cry now, her face concealed behind her hands. ”Please, Jack,” she whispered, but he knew what he was doing. He had to make her see it his way so clearly, feel the hurt so hard, that she would turn away from the whole discouraging mess of h.o.m.os.e.xual life and come to live with him far from it all.

”Look at me, Laura,” he said and lifted her face. ”We can t think straight because we always think gay,” he said. ”We don't know anything about a love that lasts or a life that means something. We spend all our time on our knees singing hosannas to the queers. Trying to make ourselves look good. Trying to forget we aren't wholesome and healthy like other people.”

”Some of the other people aren't so d.a.m.n wholesome either,” Laura said.

Jack put his arms around her suddenly and pulled her tight against him and said, ”Let's get out of it, Laura. Let's run like h.e.l.l while we have a chance. We could get away, just the two of us. But we can't do it alone; we need each other. We could move uptown and get a nice apartment and you wouldn't have to work. We could get married, honey.”

”But”

”Please, Laura, please,” he begged her. ”Maybe we could even ... adopt a child. Would you like that? Would you?” He sounded a little breathless and he leaned back to see her face.

Laura was startled. ”I don't know anything about kids. They scare me to death.”

”You'd get over it in a hurry,” he said. ”You're female. You have instinct on your side.”

”Do you like kids?”

”I love them.”

”I don't. You're more female than I am,” she said.

He laughed. ”Flattery will get you nowhere,” he said. ”Seriously, Laurawould you like a child? A daughter?”

”Why not a son?” she asked him, sharp-eyed.

”Okay.” He shrugged warily. ”A son.”

Laura slid back in her chair and looked at the ceiling. ”I never even thought about it before,” she said. ”I just never dreamed I'd ever have anything to do with a child of my own ... with any child.”

”Do you want one?” He seemed so eager that she was reluctant to hurt him. But she couldn't lie to him.

”No,” she said. And when his face hardened, she added, ”Because I'd be a terrible mother, Jack. I'd be afraid of it. And jealous, I think. I'd be all thumbs. I'd stick it full of pins and never be sure if I did it on purpose or by mistake.”

”You won't always feel that way,” he said, and she knew from the tone of his voice that there was no arguing with him.

”Maybe not,” she said. ”But if I marry you, Jack” And they were both startled to hear the words, as if neither had really expected Laura to consider it seriously. ”If I marry you, I wouldn't dare adopt a child for years. Not till I was sure we were safe together and the marriage would last.”

”It would. It will. Say yes.”

”I can't,” she said and drove him to his feet in a fit of temper.

”G.o.ddam it, Laura, do you want to grow old here in the Village?” he said. ”Have you seen the pitiful old women in their men's oxfords and chopped off hair, stumping around like lost souls, wandering from bar to bar and staring at the pretty kids and weeping because they can't have them any more? Or living together, two of them, ugly and fat and wrinkled, with nothing to do and nothing to care about but the good old days that are no more? Is that what you want? Because if you stay here, that's what you'll get.

”Pretty soon you won't know any other way of life. You won't know how to live in the big world. You don't care a G.o.ddam about that world now when you're young. So when you're old you won't know a G.o.ddam about it. You'll be afraid of it and of normal people and you'll hide in a cheap walk-up with a dowdy old friend or a stinking cat and you'll yammer about lost loves. Tempting, huh?” And he leaned on the kitchen table, his eyes so bright with urgency that she couldn't look at them and only watched his mouth.

”Horrible,” she said.

He straightened up and shoved his hands in his pockets, and when he started to speak again he was gazing out the window. ”I want to get so far away from here,” he said, ”that”

”That Terry will never find you again,” she guessed.

He dropped his head a little. ”Yes,” he said. ”That, too. Terry and Joe and Archie and John and G.o.d knows who. We'd go way uptown and leave no forwarding address ... nothing. Just fade out of the Village forever. No Beebo, no Terry...”

”No Tris,” Laura whispered.

”I told you, Mother ... I'm no bluebeard. If you want affairs, have them. You're young, you need a few. Only keep them out of the Village and keep them very quiet.”

”Do you think Terry would really come looking for you again?” she asked. ”After the way you threw him out?”

”There aren't many men stupid enough to put up with his antics as I did,” he said. ”I think he might try to put the touch on me between affairs.”

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