Volume I Part 6 (2/2)
Cried the youth, with a frown, ”How wrong the whole thing is, How preposterous each wing is, How flattened the head is, how jammed down the neck is-- In short, the whole owl, what an ignorant wreck 'tis!
I make no apology; I've learned owl-eology.
I've pa.s.sed days and nights in a hundred collections, And cannot be blinded to any deflections Arising from unskilful fingers that fail To stuff a bird right, from his beak to his tail.
Mister Brown! Mister Brown!
Do take that bird down, Or you'll soon be the laughing-stock all over town!”
And the barber kept on shaving.
”I've _studied_ owls, And other night fowls, And I tell you What I know to be true: An owl cannot roost With his limbs so unloosed; No owl in this world Ever had his claws curled, Ever had his legs slanted, Ever had his bill canted, Ever had his neck screwed Into that att.i.tude.
He can't _do_ it, because 'Tis against all bird-laws Anatomy teaches, Ornithology preaches An owl has a toe That _can't_ turn out so!
I've made the white owl my study for years, And to see such a job almost moves me to tears!
Mister Brown, I'm amazed You should be so gone crazed As to put up a bird In that posture absurd!
To _look_ at that owl really brings on a dizziness; The man who stuffed _him_ don't half know his business!”
And the barber kept on shaving.
”Examine those eyes.
I'm filled with surprise Taxidermists should pa.s.s Off on you such poor gla.s.s; So unnatural they seem They'd make Audubon scream, And John Burroughs laugh To encounter such chaff.
Do take that bird down; Have him stuffed again, Brown!”
And the barber kept on shaving.
”With some sawdust and bark I would stuff in the dark An owl better than that; I could make an old hat Look more like an owl Than that horrid fowl, Stuck up there so stiff like a side of coa.r.s.e leather.
In fact, about _him_ there's not one natural feather.”
Just then, with a wink and a sly normal lurch, The owl, very gravely, got down from his perch, Walked round, and regarded his fault-finding critic (Who thought he was stuffed) with a glance a.n.a.lytic, And then fairly hooted, as if he should say: ”Your learning's at fault _this_ time, anyway; Don't waste it again on a live bird, I pray.
I'm an owl; you're another. Sir Critic, good-day!”
And the barber kept on shaving.
A CAUSE FOR THANKS
A country parson, in encountering a storm the past season in the voyage across the Atlantic, was reminded of the following: A clergyman was so unfortunate as to be caught in a severe gale in the voyage out. The water was exceedingly rough, and the s.h.i.+p persistently buried her nose in the sea. The rolling was constant, and at last the good man got thoroughly frightened. He believed they were destined for a watery grave. He asked the captain if he could not have prayers. The captain took him by the arm and led him down to the forecastle, where the tars were singing and swearing. ”There,” said he, ”when you hear them swearing, you may know there is no danger.” He went back feeling better, but the storm increased his alarm. Disconsolate and una.s.sisted, he managed to stagger to the forecastle again. The ancient mariners were swearing as ever. ”Mary,” he said to his sympathetic wife, as he crawled into his berth after tacking across a wet deck, ”Mary, thank G.o.d they're swearing yet.”
JOHN HAY
LITTLE BREECHES
I don't go much on religion, I never ain't had no show; But I've got a middlin' tight grip, sir, On the handful o' things I know.
I don't pan out on the prophets And free-will and that sort of thing---- But I b'lieve in G.o.d and the angels, Ever sence one night last spring.
I come into town with some turnips, And my little Gabe come along---- No four-year-old in the county Could beat him for pretty and strong, Peart and chipper and sa.s.sy, Always ready to swear and fight---- And I'd larnt him to chaw terbacker Jest to keep his milk-teeth white.
The snow come down like a blanket As I pa.s.sed by Taggart's store; I went in for a jug of mola.s.ses And left the team at the door.
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