Volume I Part 7 (1/2)

They scared at something and started---- I heard one little squall, And h.e.l.l-to-split over the prairie Went team, Little Breeches and all.

h.e.l.l-to-split over the prairie!

I was almost froze with skeer; But we rousted up some torches, And sarched for 'em far and near.

At last we struck horses and wagon, Snowed under a soft white mound, Upsot, dead beat--but of little Gabe Nor hide nor hair was found.

And here all hope soured on me, Of my fellow-critter's aid---- I jest flopped down on my marrow-bones, Crotch-deep in the snow, and prayed.

By this, the torches was played out, And me and Isrul Parr Went off for some wood to a sheepfold That he said was somewhar thar.

We found it at last, and a little shed Where they shut up the lambs at night.

We looked in and seen them huddled thar, So warm and sleepy and white; And THAR sot Little Breeches, and chirped, As peart as ever you see: ”I want a chaw of terbacker, And that's what's the matter of me.”

How did he git thar? Angels.

He could never have walked in that storm; They jest scooped down and toted him To whar it was safe and warm.

And I think that saving a little child, And bringing him to his own, Is a derned sight better business Than loafing around The Throne.

Artemus Ward, when in London, gave a children's party. One of John Bright's sons was invited, and returned home radiant. ”Oh, papa,” he explained, on being asked whether he had enjoyed himself, ”indeed I did.

And Mr. Browne gave me such a nice name for you, papa.”

”What was that?”

”Why, he asked me how that gay and festive cuss, the governor, was!”

replied the boy.

It was on a train going through Indiana. Among the pa.s.sengers were a newly married couple, who made themselves known to such an extent that the occupants of the car commenced pa.s.sing sarcastic remarks about them.

The bride and groom stood the remarks for some time, but finally the latter, who was a man of tremendous size, broke out in the following language at his tormenters: ”Yes, we're married--just married. We are going 160 miles farther, and I am going to 'spoon' all the way. If you don't like it, you can get out and walk. She's my violet and I'm her sheltering oak.”

During the remainder of the journey they were left in peace.

HENRY W. SHAW (”Josh Billings”)

NATRAL AND UNNATRAL ARISTOKRATS

Natur furnishes all the n.o.bleman we hav.

She holds the pattent.

Pedigree haz no more to do in making a man aktually grater than he iz, than a pekok's feather in his hat haz in making him aktually taller.

This iz a hard phakt for some tew learn.

This mundane earth iz thik with male and femail ones who think they are grate bekause their ansesstor waz luckey in the sope or tobacco trade; and altho the sope haz run out sumtime since, they try tew phool themselves and other folks with the suds.