Part 4 (2/2)

”Yeah, can't wait to go there again and ski. We'll need snow first.”

He closed the driver's door and walked with me to the side entrance. ”I saw Joshua Newbury today,” he said.

”You did?”

”Yeah, this morning after I dropped you off. I don't think he saw me though. Did you run into him?”

”Yes, I did see him, but we barely talked. I guess he's visiting his family.”

Trevor yawned and covered his mouth. ”I almost didn't recognize the guy. The beard's gone. It never looked good on him anyway.”

I shrugged noncommittally, then started for the stairs and bed. Trevor moved in behind me, pulling me backwards into his arms. ”You're not tired tonight, are you?”

”No, not really.”

”Good.”

But as we walked up the stairs, I had the uneasy feeling that Trevor could see right through me.

Chapter 4.

”Thanks for getting me in on such short notice, Janet,” I said. ”I really appreciate it.”

”No problem at all. I've been meaning to call and say h.e.l.lo anyway. It's good to see you, Gwyn.”

I hung up my coat and took a seat in one of the comfortable chairs that faced each other, my usual spot near the window.

”You've made a few changes,” I said. I noted a new lamp on a corner table, some chocolate-brown throw rugs on the wood floor, and updated pictures of her teenaged children, Ben and Sarah, atop her desk.

”Yes. Small improvements. Thanks for noticing.”

Janet herself had not changed, a wisp of a woman, wide-eyed with a warm engaging smile. She barely looked thirty, though I knew for a fact she would be celebrating her forty-second birthday in December. I found her easy to talk to, extremely likeable, and worldly savvy in a way that couldn't be taught. Though I'd never asked, I'd sometimes wondered what life experiences might have drawn her to this particular profession.

She took a seat opposite me, crossing her ankles, mirroring my own. ”We haven't seen each other in a while, not for a few months. What brings you here today?”

”Well, I needed to talk to someone I trusted, someone who would keep my secrets,” I said with a short laugh.

”Oh. Secrets. Well, this is serious.”

”Actually, it's not so much secrets. It's more-things I can't talk to anyone else about right now.” I took a deep breath, folding my hands one into the other. ”I've been having some issues concerning Trevor. I haven't been treating him all that well lately, but every time I think I should be more ... truthful with him, I back off. He tried to make love to me the other night and I just couldn't connect, and that's not usually a problem for me at all.”

”So, what is it you're not being truthful about?”

”Well, I ran into Josh, my old boyfriend, in Aspen this past weekend. He's in town, just visiting. It was an accidental meeting. We b.u.mped into each other at an art fair, but I felt guilty about it and didn't say anything to Trevor. The problem is, I enjoyed seeing Josh-a little too much, I think-and might want to see him again.”

”And why does that worry you? What do you think will happen if you see him again?”

”I don't know. Actually, I don't think anything will happen. I just want to see him again. It's almost like I need to. I hated the way we broke up. Our relations.h.i.+p ended so quickly. After all the time we'd been together, Josh just took off and left the state, disappeared from my life completely. My fault, of course.” I glanced up, but Janet's expression hadn't changed. ”I don't want to lead him on, but if I start to see him again, of course, I will be. It's totally selfish. I'll be hurting Josh, and I could end up hurting Trevor too, severely damage what we have. It's crazy.”

”So, knowing this, why do you think you're still willing to take the chance?”

”I think I need closure with Josh. I need to try and explain to him why I left. He was more than a boyfriend to me, he was a friend. I miss him ... a lot. As for Trevor, I don't want to talk to him about this because he's the reason I left Josh. And I still have a lot of mixed emotions about that. As much as I blame myself, I blame Trevor more. Recently, I've been questioning his reasons for marrying me.”

Janet reached for her gla.s.s, took a sip of water. ”Go on.”

”I really didn't get to know Trevor all that well before I became involved with him. I was seeing Josh, in love with him-not wildly anymore, we'd been seeing each other for so long-but it was love. Then Trevor came along and I wanted him so badly I couldn't think of anything, but him. I literally forgot about Josh-just threw him away-for a man I barely knew. Now, looking back, I'm wondering if the money had more to do with Trevor's decision to marry me than I thought. He likes having money. He enjoys spending it and he does, though not ... excessively. Oh ... what am I saying? He's not bad about it. I encourage him to spend on himself. I spend money on him. I want to. I mean, what is it for if not to make the people you love happy? The thing is, with Josh I always knew I was loved for me. I didn't have a dime when Josh loved me. I barely had two cents in my savings account.”

”So, seeing Josh has made you question your relations.h.i.+p with Trevor?”

”Yes.”

”Has anything else happened that would make you feel this way? Besides, Josh, I mean.”

”No ... well, maybe some little things. Trevor has been working a lot lately. That bothers me. I don't get to see him as much.”

”Have you talked to him about it?”

”No.”

”What's stopping you?”

”I don't think it would do any good.”

”Hmm. I'm sensing some anger here.” Janet stared at me, waiting for me to respond. Finally, after what felt like an interminable silence, I did.

”If I'm angry, I'd have to say that I'm mostly angry at myself. I'm stupidly naive when it comes to the people I care about. I blindly accept whatever they put in front of me, when instead I should take a step back and see what's really going on.”

”Are you still talking about Trevor here?”

”Trevor, sure.”

”Not Kelly?”

”Well, yes, Kelly too. I was certainly stupid with her. If I hadn't been so stupidly naive, maybe she'd still be alive.” I had to stop talking for a moment, reign in all the old feelings that engulfed me whenever I spoke her name. ”I didn't know her either. I really didn't. When you love someone that much, you can't see them. I couldn't anyway. And maybe I didn't want to see who she really was, because then I'd be forced to admit she wasn't everything I wanted her to be. Still ... why couldn't she trust me? If she had a drug problem, why couldn't she tell me about it? I could have helped her. I wouldn't have stopped loving her. Didn't she know that? I never would have stopped loving her.”

”But maybe she wasn't willing to let you. Unfortunately, we'll never know why she was reluctant to seek help.”

”I wish so much that I could talk to her. I do, sometimes, when I'm alone. I want so much to know what happened ... why it happened. How could anyone do that to her? Only a monster could have slaughtered her like that. He ran her down-like she was nothing-like she was dirt. I swear if I could, I'd kill him. I'd kill him and never regret it for a single moment.” My stomach rolled and I felt the searing hatred rise in my throat, bubbling up its caustic acid.

”Linda told me Kelly was on drugs, said it was obvious, but I didn't believe her. I even took Kelly aside one day and stood her in front of me and asked her point blank, *Are you taking drugs? I don't want to think so, but if you are I need to know. So please, tell me the truth.' Do you know what she said? Right to my face she said, *I'm not doing drugs, Gwyn. I wouldn't do that. G.o.d, I can't believe you're asking me this.' I told her I had to ask because I was worried about her, that she didn't seem ... right. She got a little angry, then told me I shouldn't worry about her, that I worried about everything, that I've always worried too much and maybe I was the one with the problem. Then she took that back and apologized, told me again that, no, she didn't do drugs. Well, maybe a little weed, when she was in school, but that was stupid and she knew it, so she'd quit. She had me convinced that Linda was absolutely wrong. It was a real relief at the time. But then, of course, they found cocaine in her system, and other drugs I can't even p.r.o.nounce were stashed in her medicine chest disguised as cold medicine or cough drops or whatever. G.o.d, it hurt. It hurt so much to think she would lie to me like that.”

Janet sat quiet, then finally spoke.

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