Part 16 (1/2)

”Mm,” Elise said. ”It changes nothing.”

”Really?” My heart sank.

”How many actors do you know that are out and proud?” she suddenly asked.

”Plenty!” I said. ”Elise, there are loads of gay actors out there.”

”And how many are women?” Elise asked. ”I saw it all the time in Hollywood. Once they find out you like women, that's it. I don't want that for me.” She turned and looked out the window. ”I don't want to be labelled that gay actress. I want to be labelled on my merit, not my s.e.xuality.”

We stayed silent for a few seconds, each of us processing. ”I like you, Elise,” I finally said when I couldn't bear the silence any longer. ”A lot. I can't just switch that off.”

”When I said to you I thought you were like Jasmine, I wasn't lying,” she said slowly. ”I think you're really nice and I do like you-I like you a lot. You're the kindest, most sweet-natured person I've ever met, but I don't know if that means I like you like that.”

”But you're not sure?” I asked. ”I can see it in your eyes that you're not sure.”

”I think about you a lot,” Elise continued, ”and I know I'm happy when I know I'm going to see you. And I know I miss you dreadfully when you're not around. That has to mean something, doesn't it?”

”It does,” I said, twinges of nerves fluttering inside me. ”Because it's how I feel about you.”

”And I've never felt like this about anyone else.” Elise held my gaze. ”I never felt this way when I was with Stig or anyone else I've ever dated before.” She exhaled slowly. ”I think I do feel something for you, Hol,” she said. ”But I'm...I just can't act on those feelings.”

”At least you've finally admitted that you do like me,” I said. ”That I've not been imagining it all.” I maintained eye contact. ”That's something, at least.”

In that moment I knew that something and everything had changed between us. There was a new understanding and a mutual attraction. Anything she'd said to me up until that point was now immaterial, forgotten with the one adorable look she gave me that told me everything I'd been dying to hear.

”I love working with you-working here. I love Jasmine and Casey, and that's all down to you,” she said. ”If you weren't here, then I know that I wouldn't want to be, either.”

”I'm sensing a but coming up,” I said quietly.

”But it'd be career suicide-for both of us-if we got involved with one another,” Elise said simply. ”Our careers that we've both worked so hard for would be dead in the water before they've really even had a chance to start. So you and I can't happen. It's as simple as that.”

”It's all about the career for you, isn't it?” I said. ”Rather than feelings.”

”Isn't it for you?” Elise asked. ”Isn't this why we do what we do? For ourselves?”

”And you'd sacrifice being with someone just because of that?” I asked.

Elise nodded. ”I've sacrificed a lot to get where I am in this life,” she said.

”Wow.” I sat up straighter, leaning my elbows on my knees. I stared down at the floor. ”Even though you know your feelings for me are reciprocated?”

”I'm scared,” Elise said. ”Scared that I do have these feelings for you, scared it'll get out, and s.h.i.+t-scared that it'll mean the end of my career if it does get out.”

”That's a lot of scareds for what should really be something that makes you happy,” I said weakly.

”It's the way I've always been.” Elise shrugged. ”Career comes first with me. Always has. I don't want to be like that, but I can't help it.”

”So where does this leave us?” I asked. ”I can't ignore how I feel about you like you seem to be able to with me.”

”We carry on as before,” Elise said matter-of-factly. ”Jasmine and Casey carry on as before. Nothing has to change.”

”But everything's changed, Elise,” I said, exasperated. ”How can I work with you every day knowing that I want you and you don't want me?”

”I didn't say I didn't want you,” Elise said quietly. ”I just said I couldn't be with you because it would be way too complicated.” She breathed out slowly. ”Can't you understand that?”

”I'm finding it hard to understand any of this,” I said, standing up.

”I can't be with you,” Elise repeated. ”We have to be professional over this, Hol.” She looked over to me, her face impa.s.sive. ”And that means we just stay as friends. For both our sakes, I'd be grateful if you'd respect that.”

Chapter Sixteen.

”Girls, focus.” Stuart pushed his gla.s.ses up onto the top of his head. ”Nine retakes in a row does not make me a happy director.”

It was the next morning. We were out on location in Hyde Park filming wedding scenes, normally a favourite thing for me to do on PR because it meant leaving the confines of the studio to go on location, which always felt something like going on a school trip.

”My bad, Stu.” Elise held her hand up. ”I came off my marker and it threw me.” She glanced at me and mouthed, ”Sorry.”

I hadn't seen or heard from Elise since our heart-to-heart the previous day. She looked tired, I thought. Tired and defeated, as if every look we exchanged was agony to her.

”Shall we go from my last line?” I said, avoiding eye contact with her.

”From I wish it could be like this forever?” Elise walked back onto her marker, her back to me.

I stepped beside her.

”I don't want there to be any awkwardness between us, Elise,” I said, glancing back over my shoulder towards Stuart and Laura, our make-up girl, who were standing talking next to the camera. ”I still don't understand this decision that you've come to for yourself, but I can work through it,” I said. ”You said yesterday you wanted us to be professional. I can do professional.”

”We both can.” Elise wrapped her arms around herself. ”When we have to.”

”Ready to go again?” Stuart called across, not waiting for our answer. He called the take, pointing his pen at me and nodding me into my cue.

I took Elise's hand and walked with her up a short hill towards a tree in the distance.

”Are you happy, Jasmine?” Elise said her lines slowly.

”Very.” I squinted up into the sun. ”Are you?”

”How could I not be?” Elise squeezed my hand. ”I'm with you, aren't I?”

”And you're not scared anymore?” I asked, aware of the camera moving quietly behind us. ”Especially after what Tim said when he saw us?”

”Tim's an idiot,” Elise said. ”So in answer to your question, no. I'm not scared anymore. I have you, and that's all that matters now.”

We stood and held one another's gaze while I did a mental countdown until I heard Stuart call ”Cut!” and I knew I could move away from her again.

”Perfect!” Stuart called up the hill to us. ”That's in the can.”