Part 9 (1/2)
The most prominent idea floated was either to jump off the top of the barracks or paraglide from a truck driven along the beach. Obviously jumping off a building wasn't wise, and the long drive to the beach precluded immediate gratification. But why not deploy a canopy, like a drag-racing parachute, behind a car while driving?
With proper planning, this might have caused no more damage than a missing b.u.mper, but without proper planning it almost provided one lance corporal with a premature death. You see, in the interest of saving time, saving time, the marines attached the chute to the driver instead of the car. He buckled in, and the chute was tossed out of the sunroof of the Eclipse. the marines attached the chute to the driver instead of the car. He buckled in, and the chute was tossed out of the sunroof of the Eclipse.
The first two runs were a ”failure” because the chute didn't catch enough air. After a brief reconnoiter the men held the chute open behind the Eclipse while the driver, now pumped full of adrenaline, revved the engine and popped the clutch. The stretch of road was no longer than two hundred yards, but it was the longest drive ever taken by that marine.
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The canopy quickly expanded to its fullest, the loose cords pulled taut, and the driver was lifted dramatically off his seat. He found himself suspended in the cabin with only the seat belt preventing him from being yanked through the sunroof. What with being pulled in different directions, the cord lacerations, and the fear of cras.h.i.+ng into barriers dead ahead, he had had enough. However, in his position against the roof of the cab, he couldn't do much about the situation. The young man realized that he had a legit chance of being the next dumb marine to win a Darwin Award.
After what seemed like an eternity, he managed to stretch his limbs far enough to depress the clutch and pull the emergency brake. The car stopped suddenly-not to the sound of screeching tires, but to the sound of cracking fibergla.s.s. More on that in a moment.
With the car at rest, the marine expected to slide down to his seat and beat a hasty retreat from that death trap. Instead he remained inexplicably pressed against the roof. He struggled with the seat belt, released the five-point parachute harness, and finally slithered out of the car, breathing a prayer of grat.i.tude.
The small crowd rippled with the nervous laughter of people who had narrowly survived a runaway roller coaster. Observers had seen the parachute sway violently from side to side behind the small car. At the very instant the driver had pulled the brake, the chute had caught on a concrete Jersey barrier next to the buildings.
It was a gut-wrenching moment. If he had braked a second later, the marine would have been crushed between the opposing forces of the moving vehicle and the stationary parachute. The loud cracking fibergla.s.s noise? That was the sound of the cords compressing the sunroof and breaking the spoiler loose from the trunk.
A sailor who witnessed the stunt from the E-club came running out with an expression of disbelief. ”Are you trying to get a Darwin Award, marine? Why Why did you do that?” did you do that?”
”The greatest greatest fighting force in the world, but maybe not the fighting force in the world, but maybe not the smartest smartest.”
The marine answered, in the most matter-of-fact voice, ”We got bored.”
Reference: Anonymous TRUE OR FICt.i.tIOUS?Readers are skeptical of this scenario. They argue that if he was pinned to the roof of the car and could barely reach the clutch, then obviously his foot was off the accelerator and engine braking would have brought a standard s.h.i.+ft vehicle to a rapid halt. Furthermore, they point out that the U.S. Marines and other branches of the military are not allowed to have personal vehicles in a war zone. It would have had to have been a military grade vehicle, not an Eclipse. There certainly are several glaring inconsistencies!WHAT DO YOU THINK?/book/chute [image]
At-Risk Survivor: ICanSayIToldYouSo Confirmed by Reliable Eyewitness Featuring medicine, vehicles, and machismo
JULY 2009, IOWA
A doctor at the University of Iowa's oral surgery clinic relayed the almost unbelievable story of a patient he had treated in the emergency room. As you will soon find out, it took a medical miracle to prevent this man from taking home the grand prize.
The man, in his late twenties, and his wife were driving down the highway when they were involved in a one-car accident from which the wife emerged unscathed, while her husband sustained two broken legs, multiple rib fractures, a broken arm, a broken collarbone, and the worst facial trauma the fifty-five-year-old oral surgeon had ever seen. ”We put his forehead back together like a puzzle, intermixing pieces of bone and metal plates.”
Wondering how there could be such a fantastic difference in their injuries, Doctor decided to ask Wife a few questions.
She said that the couple had been arguing about the man's reckless habits, specifically his love for ”street skating.”
In an activity almost too absurd to exist, the partic.i.p.ants get a vehicle going at a good speed, sometimes up to thirty mph, open the door, hang on for dear life, and drag the soles of their feet on the pavement.
The wife began the discussion in the car that day by using her sane mind to tell her Evel Knievel-wannabe husband that he was going to get killed by willingly jumping out of, hanging onto, and dragging his feet alongside a moving vehicle. Nettled, Husband set out to prove to Wife that this activity was, in fact, not dangerous.
Traveling at sixty mph-in a car he himself was driving-he opened the door, got a good grip, and hopped out, forgetting that he was traveling at double or triple the ”normal” speed for this asinine stunt. His feet immediately caught the pavement and were pulled out from under him, but he did not fall from the car quite yet. He held on long enough for the out-of-control vehicle to roll into a ditch and for him to come into face-first contact with a telephone pole, stopping the argument faster than an auctioneer could spit out, ”ICanSayIToldYouSo.”
Miraculously this champ will live to fight another day with a fully functional-or at least as functional as it was prior to the accident-brain, as he sustained no lasting head injury.
Reference: Anonymous
The next story features this guy's identical twin . . .
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At-Risk Survivor: Flying Door Unconfirmed Military Account Featuring the military, a vehicle, and machismo
1973, VIRGINIA
When I was in the Marines, a bottom-enlisted and an NCO were required to stand twenty-four-hour watch together. One evening I showed up for duty to find the NCO, whom we'll call Todd, limping and covered with dozens of fresh scabs! He was reluctant to reveal what caused his injuries until I promised not to tell. I lived with that promise for thirty years, until now.
This NCO Todd had an NCO friend whom we'll call Dutch, and these guys would do just about anything for a laugh. The two NCOs ended up working together in the squadron truck and had an idea good for a few laughs.
Dutch was possessed of great upper body strength; he had been a Greco-Roman wrestler in high school and was still an active weight lifter. Dutch would put his elbow outside the open window, hang on to the door under his armpit, and when Todd made a left turn Dutch would open the door and swing out with the centrifugal force of the turn, riding on the door under his arm. Good fun, huh?
These two were having a few laughs with their flying door routine, all well and good, until one turn brought the open door too close to a fire hydrant. The hydrant caught the bottom corner of the door and the door rebounded, slamming shut at over thirty miles an hour and sending Dutch sailing across the vinyl bench seat and slamming into Todd with enough force to knock open the driver's door and eject him from the vehicle!
Dutch managed to recover the wheel and prevent Todd from being run down. Both men were in pain for weeks, and this being the military, both spent long hours in extra duty. After all, they were guilty of risking U.S. government property.
Reference: Carin Gleason MAD SCIENCE: PROJECT STEVECreationists try to convince the public that evolution is a ”theory in crisis” by compiling lists of scientists who doubt evolution. The National Center for Science Education responded with Project Steve.8 Instead of compiling a list of ten thousand scientists who support evolution, they decided to poke fun at the nuts by compiling a list of only those scientists named ”Steve” who affirm the validity of evolution. Steve was chosen in honor of the late Stephen Jay Gould, beloved evolutionary biologist. In March 2010 there were 1,138 Steves on the list! Because Steves comprise only about 1 percent of scientists, Project Steve makes the point that Instead of compiling a list of ten thousand scientists who support evolution, they decided to poke fun at the nuts by compiling a list of only those scientists named ”Steve” who affirm the validity of evolution. Steve was chosen in honor of the late Stephen Jay Gould, beloved evolutionary biologist. In March 2010 there were 1,138 Steves on the list! Because Steves comprise only about 1 percent of scientists, Project Steve makes the point that scientists support evolution. scientists support evolution.
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At-Risk Survivor: Clap-Clap-Clap Your Hands Unconfirmed Personal Account Featuring a vehicle and music!
NOVEMBER 2009, POUGHKEEPSIE, NEW YORK
”I was driving down the road when the car in front of me suddenly accelerated, then stopped accelerating but continued going straight as the road curved, ultimately cras.h.i.+ng into a rail. I pulled over to help, and asked the driver what caused the crash. He told me that 'The Cha Cha Slide' was playing on the radio and he was dancing along. When the lyrics came to 'Left foot, left stomp,' he did just that, flooring the accelerator. Then the lyrics commanded, 'Freeze,' and he froze, and then, 'Everybody, clap your hands'-at which point he crashed.”
Reference: Anonymous [image]
Reader Comments
”I told you that dancing was evil!”
”A nearly fatal case of the clap.”