Part 14 (2/2)
”Stil no reason to be rude to you.”
”At least they were clear.”
Lily Ann closed a cardboard box and labeled it. ”I don't think they would have hung up on you if she was real y missing. They have to know she's okay or they would have cal ed you.”
”Exactly what I've been hoping,” Jefferson said, taking the box from Lily Ann and moving it across the hal . ”I think we're going to get about everything in the closet,” she cal ed back, opening the closet door. The sight of Ginger's fanciful shoes fil ing the closet floor startled her. It was like finding Ginger's ghost. Some nights, instead of plumping her pil ow for the dozenth time and trying yet another position with which to lure sleep, she got out of bed and prowled the ghost of Ginger through the house. She would plunge her hands into Ginger's dresser in hopes of finding something she hadn't yet discovered, something with a.s.sociations so vivid it would bring Ginger alive before her, a living, walking presence she could almost pul back on the bed with her and engulf herself in pleasure.
Lily Ann came to the door. ”Jef,” she said. ”Why would you want someone back who would do this to you? I mean, it hasn't always been heaven on earth, has it?”
”That was my fault.”
”Yet she didn't leave until you stopped drinking and settled down.”
”I guess the damage had been done by then.”
”And I'd guess the blame isn't al yours.”
”Ginger never pul ed the stunts I did.”
”You know this for sure?”
The very idea startled her. ”You think, while I was running around on her, she was-”
”Wouldn't be the first time, J.”
”That's crazy!”
”What else explains why she tolerated you hooking up with anything that moved?”
”Lily Ann, I think someplace in her understood.”
”Understood what? That you were a good old-fas.h.i.+oned cad?”
”That I so welcomed being wanted-as who I am-for my queer self, that I couldn't say no to any woman who cast her eye my way. Sometimes I think I wanted Ginger because she hadn't wanted-never did want-me, but responded, like I did, to being wanted.”
”Wow,” Lily Ann said. ”You about lost me there. Whatever, there was something you weren't getting at home, Jefferson, and you know it. I'm not saying it was s.e.x.” Lily Ann held out a hand to stop Jefferson's protest. ”That much rabbiting is not about s.e.x.”
”You never liked Ginger.”
”I never exactly understood what you saw in her.”
”She was-”
”And I don't need to know. That woman lived behind a vault door and n.o.body got to spin her wheel, if you ask me. But knowing you, that's what you liked about her. With Ginger, your chase never ended, and nothing you can tel me wil convince me that it's not the chase that turns you on.”
She reached to stop Lily Ann, holding her by the arm. ”Lily, you're my best friend, what brought this on?” Had Lily Ann been jealous al these years?
”You want to know what I think, J? I think, when you stopped drinking and running around on her, Ginger got bored with you. I think there was something in that woman that needed you to be a bad girl. I want you to see what was what clearly. I don't want you beating yourself up over it or getting jaded about love.”
”She's my girl, Lily Ann.” She knew she sounded pitiful and unsure, but no one had ever told her these things before. Did she real y know what she was doing? ”She might not have loved me anymore, but ever since Ginger-she was the only one who wanted to be with me. The rest, since you, have wanted s.e.x: s.e.x from my fingertips, pleasure from my hands, praise of their beauty, admiration for being on my arm.”
Lily Ann looked at her as if deciding whether to tel her something. Was there anything left to tel ?
”You think she was different from the others?” asked Lily Ann. ”It was no coincidence, you know.”
”What?”
”The hotel. s.h.i.+rley. Ginger finding out.”
”You're not saying she planned it.”
Lily Ann shook her head. ”No, but she was waiting for an opportunity to come along and make up her mind for her.”
”So I handed her the bat and she hit the bal out of the park? Is that what you're saying?”
”Or she ch.o.r.eographed the dance.”
”How?”
”She had to get away to find out if you'd defined her correctly.”
”Defined her?”
”You told me she'd never felt attracted to women before you.”
”It wasn't in her frame of reference, never occurred to her.”
”She has to find out if she's living her life or one you made for her.”
Lily Ann was right, she decided, remembering the women she'd been with who hadn't known they were gay-until she came along.
They were sitting together on the sofa now. Jefferson was holding Lily Ann's hand tight.
”That,” Lily Ann explained, ”is one reason why this is such a major blow to your ego. You failed to keep her and also failed to keep her gay, J. By defining her you defined who you are and what you can do in the world.”
”Are you saying I wanted to control Ginger?”
”She's proof of who Jefferson is.”
”You've got to be kidding me. Since when are you the expert on Jefferson, not me?”
”If you were a thinker, J, or a noticer or even stood stil now and then, you'd be teaching philosophy, not PE.”
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