Part 19 (1/2)

I stopped the rental car just in front of my parent's house, seeing Billy's truck in the drive. I tapped my fingers on the wheel, unsure what to do. I really did not yet want to go in. There was still so much more I needed to clarify within myself. So much more history I needed to dig through before I could face the next day. I needed to face Beth with understanding, and remembrance.

Making my decision, I headed for the park. I zipped my heavy winter jacket against the bitter cold that tried to get inside, blowing my hair around my face. I tucked my hands into my coat pockets, headed for the swings. I had to chuckle to myself at how small everything felt to me. The swings never seemed to sit that low to the ground, and surly those black, rubber seats were wider than that?

I pushed off with my booted feet, feeling the slight breeze blow against me as I gained alt.i.tude. I stared up into the gray sky, watching as it got closer, then farther away, only to get closer again. Maybe if I just reached out, I could touch it. I smiled as I did just that, my gloved hand reaching for the unattainable that was so deceptively close. Just like reaching for the stars. So close, yet so terribly far.

The morning sun rushed in at me, making me squeeze my tortured eyes shut, groaning into the new day. I had stayed at Monica's far too late the night before. I opened one eye, and looked at the clock, only to groan again. d.a.m.n. I had wanted to be on my way out by that time. Finally with a sigh, I rolled over and sat up, rubbing my eyes. As I opened them again and looked around my room, it suddenly occurred to me that that had been the last night I would spend there for quite a while. The realization hit me in the stomach. I glanced over to the corner of the room and saw my bags, packed the day before. Ready to go. Ready for me to go. I looked around the room again, seeing all my posters still hanging where they'd been for a few years, the same faces greeting me every single morning, the last faces I'd see every single night. I glanced over to my unicorn collection, realizing that I hadn't added to it for quite a few years. Just sort of forgot about it.

I stood from the bed, stretching my arms over my head with a strange half-yawn, half-groan. Finally getting myself together, I headed for the bathroom to shower.

Monica had told me to stop by her place on my way out of town to pick up the books. I hoped I would have room for them in my dorm room. My Jeep was loaded, all my worldly possessions crammed into every available s.p.a.ce. I stood in the living room, one parents both flanking me on either side.

”You sure you don't want us to go with you, honey?” my mom asked, her shaky voice just on this side of all out bawling. I shook my head.

”I'm sure. You guys have more important things to do then waste three hours driving to Boulder with me.

”Well, you know it's really no trouble.” My father chimed in. I smiled and hugged him.

”Thanks, dad. I'll be fine.” Even as I said that, I had to wonder if they would. I pulled away from him and kissed his cheek. He smiled down at me, saying with his expressive eyes all that he couldn't in words. I nodded, our silent communication complete. I turned to my mother, knowing I had to stay strong for her. She was already battling her emotions, and I knew if mine slipped even just a little, that would be it, and she'd be a puddle. ”I love you, mom.” I said, hugging her to me. I felt her body jerk as she swallowed in a sob. My own tears began to burn in my throat. I pulled away, a solid smile on my lips. ”I'll be home before you know it for Christmas.” I said with exaggerated enthusiasm. My parents nodded silently. With one more round of hugs, I climbed into my Jeep.

”Morning.” Monica smiled, a cup of coffee in her hand as she answered the door.

”G.o.d, how can you drink that stuff.” I muttered. She chuckled.

”Give it time. You'll be downing the stuff like it's water.” She stepped away from the door, allowing me to enter. ”Come on in, grumpy.” I hissed at her, and she laughed. ”Your books are in the spare bedroom.” Together we managed to load the three boxes into my Jeep, and it was time for me to go. We stood by Monica's front door, neither of us wanting to say goodbye. Finally she smiled, and grabbed me for a hug. ”Good luck, Emily. I know you'll do so well.” She said into my hair. I nodded, holding her just as tight, my eyes closed. She gently pulled away from me, and looked at me. ”I have one more gift for you.” She said quietly. I stared at her, the b.u.t.terflies from the night before returning to my stomach. She smiled softly, seeming to sense my nervousness. She placed a hand on either side of my face, and took a step closer. ”I don't think you give yourself enough credit, Emily.” She said. I could only stare. ”I think you are ready. Whenever you doubt yourself, think of this.” She moved in, her eyes closing as she leaned in, my eyes closing instinctively as she touched my lips softly with her own, like the wings of those b.u.t.terflies. Simple, but entirely pleasant. She drew back from me, my eyes slowly opening to see her smiling at me. ”Good luck Emily.” She whispered. ”I'll miss you.”

I pressed my fingers to my lips as I drove the long, straight highway that would take me to college. I could still feel Monica's kiss, the softness, the tenderness. Maybe she was right, and I was ready. My thoughts inevitably turned to Beth. I had replayed the scene at the theater in my mind so many times. Each time it turned out different. My favorite one was where she turned to me, her back to the redhead against the wall, and smiled that c.o.c.ky little smile of hers, and told me that she was glad I had finally come to my senses. She had taken me in her arms, just as she had the redhead, and it had been her lips against mine; not Monica's. She had kissed me the way she had at my aunt's funeral. Deep, filled with pa.s.sion and love. Then my thoughts stopped. Did Beth love me? The way I loved her? Or thought I did, anyway. I had been so confused at that time, I didn't know much of anything, and in all honesty had been glad to head off to Boulder, away from Pueblo. Too much drama, and too much to try and figure out at nineteen.

I sat with my head leaning against the cold chain, the swing just barely moving, my feet moving in the cold, hard dirt as I brought those days back. Getting to Boulder, and the CU campus. What an amazing time, and I had not even realized it. That whole hindsight thing. I sighed as I realized just how simple life had been then. Go to cla.s.s, do homework, attempt to get enough sleep and live off of Ramen noodles, and PBJ. How hard could it be?

I gripped the pen tighter between my teeth as I growled when the shade fell into my hands again.

”Od amit!” I exclaimed around my Bic, nearly falling backwards off my chair. I reclaimed my balance, and attempted to reach up again, my brows drawn in concentration. I glanced out the window of my third floor dorm, seeing all the people walking around down below. I wondered if any of them could see me standing practically kissing the gla.s.s. I managed to get one of the side pegs into the hole, then began to struggle with the other side. I held my breath as I got it close, standing on my tip toes. Being short sucked sometimes. With a victorious whoop, I stepped back, wiping the saliva off my chin that had squeezed out around the pen.

”Nice going.”

”Ah!” I screamed, falling back against the window, and the shade, crying out again as it fell on top of my head. I spit out the Bic, and peeked out from under the shade. My roommate, Dana laid on her bed, her hands behind her head, legs bent and spread. She grinned at me. ”d.a.m.nit, Dana!” I exclaimed, throwing the shade to the floor. ”Don't do that!” I stood on the chair to my desk, my hands in fists, fists on my hips.

”Oh, you are just too cute when you're mad, Embo.”

”Yeah, well you should know. Lord knows you p.i.s.s me off enough.” I hopped down from the chair. ”And don't call me Embo. How many times do I have to tell you?” I plopped down on my own bed, back against the wall, legs hanging off. I was thoroughly exhausted from the exertion of hanging the shade. Well, re-hanging it. Again. I got mad all over again when I realized that I would have to hang it yet again. ”I should make you hang that thing back up, Dana.”

”You can try and make me.” She said, wiggling her eyebrows. I shook my head.

”Give it up. Not gonna sleep with you.”

”Why not?” she sat up, her hands resting on her knees. She blew her long, blonde bangs out of her eyes and smiled. ”You just might enjoy it.” she said, her voice low and teasing. I glared.

”Right. That'll happen.” She laid back down with a quick raise of her light brows.

”I know.” I stared at her for a moment as she stared up at the ceiling that she had plastered posters of naked women on. I could almost see those wheels turning. I took her in, her long legs clad in torn blue jeans, her scuffed, worn sneakers. The sweater she wore that day was actually hole-free. I was impressed. Dana had been my roomy for the last three months, and had yet to cease amazing me. I often wondered just what exactly she was doing there at CU. She never went to cla.s.s, never ever opened a book. In fact, I was not even sure that she had ever even bought a book for a cla.s.s. I knew she was not a stupid person. Far from it. She just had a little too much partying to do.

I shook my head sadly and stood. ”I have a study group to go to. See you later.” I grabbed my backpack from the floor by the closet, and slung it over a shoulder. I glanced at her at the door. She had not moved. With a shrug, I left. As I headed across campus for the library, I thought of my strange, obstinate roommate. The first day I had met her had certainly been an adventure. I had just gotten to campus, and after many tries, had found the building where my dorm was. She was already there, her things strewn all across the room. She had been sitting on her bed wearing just a pair of extremely brief underwear, and a tiny bra, her legs folded Indian-style, her hands on her knees, her eyes closed. I had stopped in the door, my arms loaded with my own stuff, and had stared. I was not sure if I was interrupting something, or, what.

”Enter, you s.e.xy thing.” She had said, her eyes still closed. I stared at her, taken aback.

”Excuse me?” I had taken a step into the room.

”Why certainly.” She said with a winning smile. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or run screaming. Though Dana was definitely a laugh a minute at times, I wondered if perhaps the latter would have been wiser.

”Emily? h.e.l.lo, earth to Emily?”

”Huh?” I snapped my head up, staring wide-eyed at my study partner, Katherine. She was grinning at me, a question in her eyes.

”Where'd you go?” she asked, turning the page of her bio-chem book.

”Sorry.” I shook my head to clear it. ”What were you saying?” I also turned the page in my own text, trying to figure out where we were.

”I said that you took really great notes. The ones I copied?” I nodded, finally with it. ”You ready for this test? I've heard it's a real b.i.t.c.h.”

I listened on as Katherine prattled on about the cla.s.s, and the professor, and the test. Well, I listened sort of. My mind flew back to Dana. Should I just give in to her? She was certainly persistent. One night when I had found her in a semi-serious mood, I began to ask her questions. Questions, which to my detriment, got her asking me to sleep with her on a daily basis. I wanted to know what it was like, the life of a lesbian. If that was what I was, I wanted to know before hand. What was I in for? I still could not say clearly in my own mind if that were the case with me or not. I thought it was, but just could not get myself to tell me if it was so. Dana saw different people constantly. Never staying with the same girl. I never understood this. She said it was simply trying all the different flavors. Certainly more information than I had needed, but I guess I understood.

I walked down the hall of the dorm, stopping to get a Dr. Pepper out of the machine first. When I opened the door, I froze. Dana laid on her bed in much the same position she'd been in when I'd left; legs bent and spread, one hand behind her head. But this time, she didn't have a st.i.tch of clothing on. I watched in part horror, and part wonder as her other hand moved between her legs, dipping and moving. I could not stop my eyes from trailing up from her hand to her b.r.e.a.s.t.s that moved up and down with her slow, easy breathing. Her b.r.e.a.s.t.s were small, but firm, the light brown nipples erect. I was utterly transfixed, and had no idea what to do. Part of me wanted to leave, yet I couldn't move. My eyes were ripped from her body when I heard her speak.

”Hey. Was just thinking about you.” I stared at her smile, suddenly seeing that mouth in an entirely different way. ”You look like a deer caught in the headlights, there, Embo.” She husked.

”Don't call me Embo.” I muttered, my voice soft and deep, sounding like some dream. I barely recognized it. I suddenly became flooded with heat as embarra.s.sment set in. ”I'm sorry. I'll go-”

”No,” Dana pulled her hand away from herself, and sat up. ”Don't. Come here.” She whispered. Utterly void of thought, I dropped my backpack, and walked over to her bed, sitting down next to her, my hands in my lap, not daring to look at her. The mere heat that radiated off her was almost scorching me. ”Don't be nervous, Emily.” She said into my ear, her fingers pus.h.i.+ng my hair back off my shoulder before it strayed to my chin. She tipped my face toward her, and I finally met her eyes. They were heavy from arousal, and I had to gasp at that look. She grinned. ”I have you know? Been thinking about you.”

”Why?” I asked, my voice a bit stronger, but still a bit breathy.

”Because you, dear Emily, are scrumptious. I want you. I want this.” She ran her fingers down my neck, and dipped them just below the collar of my sweats.h.i.+rt. ”May I?” she asked, a small smile playing across her lips. Dumbly I nodded. Her smile got wider, and she leaned in, kissed me.

I laid there, the room dark and cool in the early November night. Thanksgiving break would start I just over two weeks. I could feel Dana sleeping next to me, me on my back, her on her side. One arm was draped over my stomach as she slept. I thought about what we had just done. I didn't regret it. I was glad it had happened. It had certainly helped me to figure out more about myself, to be sure about myself. So much made sense to me at that moment. A sense of clarity I had never experienced.

Once again my thoughts turned to Beth. Why couldn't it have been her who had kissed me like that? Touched me like that? Made me feel like that? I sighed. It had been her at one time. I had not been ready. Why had we come to terms with who and what we were at such drastically different times? I sighed again as I turned to my side, Dana scooting up behind me, her body pressed against mine. I closed my eyes as I imagined in my mind that it was Beth who lay with me. It was her body that spooned my own. I was too young for regrets, but I sure had them. As I felt warm breath against the back of my shoulder, I thought that perhaps it was just time to let Beth go. There was nothing I could do about the past, and she had her own life back in Pueblo, filled with new people. She didn't need a bleeding heart around. I loved Beth, and I knew she loved me, always would. But all the same, things had changed, and sometimes you just can't change them back, no matter how badly you want to. It was time to let Beth go. Begin new in Boulder, discovering more of the woman that had been revealed that day with Dana. See what she had to offer.

The day was getting colder, the iron heavens beginning to spit snow. I glanced up, catching a spiraling flake on my tongue. The park was completely deserted, and suddenly I felt so alone. I stood from the swing, my hips hurting from being shoved against the confines of the rubber seat so long. How on earth did children pull off half the things they did?

I walked through the gra.s.s that crunched under my boots, headed for my car when I thought back once again. I had never imagined that a single event could change a person. After that night with Dana, I had come into my own, wanting to see just exactly what kind of stuff I was made of. What I wanted in the new-found woman. In short, I went nuts.

Dana had made very clear to me that she was not even remotely interested in a relations.h.i.+p with me. If we happen to do the occasional tumble, that was fine, but nothing else. I was hurt at first, but then once I realized the possibilities, I was fine with that, too. And the occasional tumble we did. If neither of us had a date on a Friday night, we'd make our date. We actually became very good friends, sharing very intimate conversations. I guess having s.e.x on a semi-regular basis with someone will do that. Don't get me wrong, I was not a player by any means. I stayed completely faithful to whomever I was dating. It's just that on a college campus as liberal as CU, Boulder, it was tough finding women who lived by the same principle.

My first year in college flew by, dedicating myself wholly to academic excellence, and the pursuit of women. I wanted to try and understand this attraction I had to its fullest extent. I had made some wonderful friends, and was having a ball as the middle of my second year rolled around.

I had promised my friend, Patty, that I would help her at the career fair we had every spring. High school seniors, or just curious students could go to the different career booths we had set up. I hated doing those, as I had been bribed into it both springs so far. I did not like it either time, and hated being such a sap I could not say no.

”This sucks.” I muttered as we sat at our booth. How many people are there out in the world who really feel the need to find out about, and pick up brochures on accounting? I knew there were some, but not that day, obviously. ”We have not had one bite yet.” I glared at her.

”Oh, come on. You're doing your duty to the school.” She replied, re-straightening the straightened pile of brochures.