Part 14 (1/2)

”I told you when you were a kid not to grow up too fast, Emmy. This is what happens. You forget about Oreo's.”

”Yeah.” I said quietly, twisting the top off another cookie. ”Seems I've forgotten all kinds of things.”

The tea pot began to whistle, and I grabbed us a couple of mugs as my mom took the kettle off the burner, pouring hot water into each cup.

”Do you know what today is?” she asked as she put the kettle back on the burner.

”Sat.u.r.day?” I asked, dipping the mint tea bag into the cup, the water slowly turning a light, honey brown, getting darker by the dip. She raised a brow at me, and I grinned sheepishly.

”Very good, honey. I knew I had a smart daughter. Besides, smart a.s.s, technically it's Sunday.” She poured some sugar into her cup, then the tea bag. I had always wondered why she did it that way. She said the sugar got mixed in better. I say it made the sugar sink to the bottom faster. ”No, today is the anniversary of Aunt Kitty's death.” I glanced up at her, my eyes wide. Wow. How long had it been? I mentally did a tally in my head, and came up with eighteen years. My G.o.d. Almost twenty years ago. Where does the time go?

”You keep track?” I asked, sipping to make sure it was strong enough, the minty steam wafting up to tickle my nose, and cause instant perspiration on my forehead. My mother nodded.

”I put flowers on her grave every year. I went this afternoon. I sat there for awhile, telling her all about Beth. She always really liked her.” She sipped at her tea, scrunching her features as the hot liquid burned her tongue. I looked at my mother. She was still a very pretty lady, her blonde hair shorter than when we were kids, but very cute, and looked easy to care for. Just the slightest bit of gray showing through. Her green eyes were still bright, but the lines around them were more defined, the smile lines not completely disappearing when she stopped smiling. If I didn't know better, I would never had believed she was in her late fifties.

”I've been thinking a lot lately.” I said, turning my eyes back to the cookie I was about to eat. ”Have you seen Ron lately?”

”Oh, I see him and is wife around town now and then. Once he retired from the Air Force, he settled down back here in town. He's always very nice. Once in a while when I go to put flowers on Kitty's grave, I see some there that are relatively new. I always wonder if they're his.”

”Could be.” I said, draining my cup, and standing to get more hot water. I offered the kettle to my mother, but she declined. ”He always really loved her.” I sat back down and prepared my second cup. ”You know, I have not had tea in quite some time.” I smiled. My mother stared at me, her expression incredulous.

”Say it isn't so? You, my little girl, have switched to coffee?” I nodded, and she placed her hand on her chest. ”No. I never thought you would become a traitor. Didn't I teach you better than that?” I chuckled.

”Yes, but I'm afraid coffee keeps me more awake than tea does.” We were both quiet as we got lost in our own thoughts. Then my mother broke the silence.

”It's been wonderful. I've been baby-sitting for your brother and Nina now that she's gone back to work.” I smiled up at her, then realized that she had no idea about Rebecca and I. Time like this I realized just how absorbed I had become in my own life; forgetting that perhaps my family may want to know what we were up to.

”Rebecca and I are trying.” I said quietly, not sure what her reaction would be. I knew that over time my mother had grown to love and see Rebecca as her own, but this was an entirely different matter. Not everyone thought gays and lesbians should have children. Once again I had underestimated my mother.

”What? Children?” she asked, her face lighting up like a Christmas tree. I nodded, still trying not to get my hopes up just yet. Her eyes immediately filled, and the warmest smile spread across her face. ”Oh, honey.” She whispered, standing, pulling me to my feet. I found myself engulfed in a ma.s.sive hug. ”Oh, baby, why didn't you tell me?” she gently pushed me away to look into my face. I smiled and wiped a tear away with my thumb.

”Well, for one I didn't know how you would react to it. What you would think, oomph!” I laughed as I was squeezed again. ”Okay, so I take it you're excited?”

”Excited? Honey, I wan as many grandchildren as I can possibly get!' she pulled away from me again, finally letting me go. We both sat back down, but she grabbed my hand, holding it within her own. She leaned over the table to give me her full attention. ”How long have you been trying?”

”Just under a year. It's been slow going.” She let out a long sigh.

”How wonderful to try for new life on top of all this death.” She gave me a smile that melted my heart, and dashed any remaining doubts or fears. ”You two will make such wonderful mothers.”

”I hope so.” I muttered. I had wanted children since I had been a little girl, but with the hours I worked, and the life I had created for myself, I often worried if I had become too selfish for a child I had never shared those deepest thoughts even with Rebecca, but they were very valid, and very nagging.

”Oh!” My eyes snapped up to look at my mother who had hopped up from her seat. ”I came across the most beautiful picture of you while cleaning the other day.” She disappeared into the living room only to return a moment later. She placed the shot on the table next to my mug. I grabbed it, holding it up to my eyes. The caption read: Emmy in deep thought- 1984. I was bundled up in my dark green winter jacket, standing outside during a cold day. I was standing on a mountain top, the Rockies covered with snow behind me. My hair was blowing back from my face, my eyes squinted ever so slightly against the cold breeze. The expression that I held had my eyes dark green, my brows drawn, posture pensive.

”Come on, Emmy. Just smile once for me. Please? I gotta leave soon.” I had turned quickly to my brother, flashed a wide, fake smile, then turned back to look at the mountains. I had nothing to smile about that day. He snapped the camera as I turned away.

I turned away, not wanting to see Mr. Buckley's sympathetic smile as I shoved my notebook into my backpack. I thought if I looked at the young teacher, I would burst out into tears. I didn't want to do that in the middle of AP English. I made my way through the maze of desks, and out into the hall. Mom had given me the choice of going home, or staying in school. Whatever would make it easier for me, she had said.

The halls were empty as it was in the middle of fourth period. I walked down the long corridor, my backpack slung over one shoulder. I stared down at the highly polished tile floor, the reflection of the door at the end of the hall making parts of the floor blindingly bright. It was a surprisingly nice, clear day considering we were in October.

As I pa.s.sed the office, headed to senior hall, I glanced inside to see the secretary's typing away on computer keyboards, or talking on the phone. Two students sat in the waiting area, waiting to see Mr. Edwards about Sat.u.r.day school I figured. One of them stared at me as I pa.s.sed, his look of curiosity quickly turning to boredom as he glanced back at the Math book that sat in his lap.

I felt surreal as I walked, the office note still bundled up in my hand. As soon as the office aid had walked into our cla.s.sroom, my stomach had lurched. I had had a bad feeling. The girl had walked over to Mr. Buckley, handed him the message, then walked out. My eyes did not leave our teacher as I watched him read the message, and his features fell. He looked up, glancing around the room until his eyes landed on me. When he saw he had my attention, he beckoned me to his desk. With shaky legs, I had stood and somehow managed to walk over to him. He handed me the note with a gentle pat to the arm.

I saw my locker just up ahead, and reached out for the lock. I felt like I was moving in slow motion as I put in my combination, and pulled the lock down with a metallic clang, and grabbed the books I'd need for the homework Mr. Buckley had given me, and closed it back up. I still did not feel anything. I just felt numb inside, like someone had reached in and taken out all the important parts in me. I knew it was just a matter of time before it hit me, but for now I had something to do; get home in one piece.

I re-zipped my backpack with the added books, and to my surprise, the whole bag fell to that highly polished floor. I stared dumbly down at it, not sure how it had gotten there, then before I could stop myself, I leaned back against the cold, metal lockers, and slid down until I landed on my b.u.t.t with a quiet oomph. I sat there, my legs bent at the knee, hands at my sides on the cool floor, and stared down at my shoes. I didn't know what else to do. Was it real? Had she finally gone? Nothing the doctor's could do? Donor didn't arrive in time? My chin fell to rest against my chest. My thoughts receded into the darkest part of my mind. I didn't want to think about it, but I couldn't stop thinking. I didn't know how long I sat there when somewhere in the real world I heard the sound of soft-soled shoes approaching, stopping just in front of me.

”Gee. Looks serious.” I imagined the now ever-present smirk on her face, so didn't even bother to look up. ”What, did the captain of the football team dump you, or something?”

”Go away. Leave me alone.” I muttered. I did not need this.

”No. Guess not. Maybe the captain of the chess club.”

”I said leave me the f.u.c.k alone.” I heard the slight pop of bad knee joints as she kneeled down to her haunches. I glanced up to see surprised blue eyes looking at me.

”Whoa. What's up?” Beth asked, her voice softening. I did not want to talk to her. Ever since the incident at her house, she had been a walking zombie, just a sh.e.l.l of who she had been. There was no life behind those eyes then; only a bitter att.i.tude that she doled out to anyone unlucky enough to evoke it. I felt like she was lost to me.

”Please just leave me alone.” I said, my voice losing it's commanding force. Though I was angry and hurt with Beth, she still represented a source of strength to me. I did not want to fall into that. To my dismay she moved over, and settled back against the lockers next to me. I could feel her intense gaze on me. I looked over at her, and met her eyes for a moment. She stared deeply into what felt like my soul. She must have seen something there as understanding washed over her features, and she opened her arms to me. Reluctantly I fell against her, my fingers burying themselves into the front of her flannel. Her arms around me were strong and capable.

”Ah, Em. I'm so sorry, honey. So sorry.” She murmured into my hair. My resolve crumbled as my soul shattered into a million pieces. She held me, letting me cry. We had all known it was coming, but you can never be prepared for it, for someone you love to die and leave you all alone on earth without their special brand of importance to you. Faintly I heard more footsteps, and then voices that were like distant echoes down a long tunnel.

”What's wrong with her?” someone asked.

”Go away.” Beth growled low in her throat.

”How rude!”

”You deaf?” the footsteps moved quickly away, and I didn't care. Beth held on tighter, her hand in my hair, the other holding the back of my neck. My chest ached as the emotion poured out of me, leaving a wet trail on Beth's s.h.i.+rt. My throat felt raw, my face tight with burning eyes. Finally I was able to get myself under some modic.u.m of control, and pulled away from her. Beth ran cool fingers over heated cheeks, brus.h.i.+ng hair back away from my face that was stuck to the tear trails. She looked down at me with such tenderness.

”You okay?” she whispered. My throat hurt too much to talk, so I nodded. She smiled. ”Give me your keys. Let's get out of here.”

”What about your cla.s.s?” I managed to croak out. She chuckled lightly.

”You think I'm out in these halls for my health? Let's blow this joint.”

Beth helped me to stand on wobbly legs, and grabbed my backpack, slinging it over her shoulder. After signing out in the office, I walked out of the building, numbly handing her the keys to my Jeep. I wondered how my mother was doing.

My mother had gone up to bed about an hour ago, but I sat there in the kitchen, the light above the sink my only light as I stared out the dark window into the backyard. The trampoline that Billy and I had had growing up had long since been sold. The big yard looked so empty without it. I sipped from my mug of coffee. Thank G.o.d dad drank the stuff, or I would have been out of luck. The strong, dark taste pushed all need of sleep to the back of my mind. I felt alert, and needed to walk.

I bundled up to keep the cold, October night air away, and slipped quietly out of the house. The street was so quiet, only a far away dog barking now and then. I stuffed my gloved hands into the deep pocket of my London Fog, and stared up into the sky. It had a pinkish hue to it, and I could smell snow in the air. I loved that smell. I loved the snow. And I had missed the smell of fresh air that New York doesn't often offer. Crisp, clean, clear out the lungs. I breathed in deep through my nose, letting out the breath through my mouth, watching as the crystallized air disappeared into the night.

I glanced over at the Sayers' house as I pa.s.sed it, taking in it's chipped paint, overgrown gra.s.s and bushes along the front of the house. A truck was in the driveway. I wondered if it belonged to Nora. Or did she still even live there? Then almost in answer, I saw a large puff of smoke rising into the air near the front door that could not be seen from the ma.s.sive bush that grew in front of it. I stopped, unsure of what to do. Then, I retraced my steps, and walked toward the driveway, just enough so I could see who sat smoking. To my surprise, it was Nora Sayers. She followed my progress with her eyes, never losing a beat as smoke poured out of her nose and mouth.

”Mrs. Sayers.” I said quietly, standing just at the start of the path that would lead to the front stoop.

”How ya doing, Emily?” she asked, her voice deep and rough from too many years of hard drinking and smoking.

”Quite well, thank you.” I said, taking a small step forward. She smiled, the deep lines around her mouth deepening more.

”I ain't going to bite, you know.” I smiled, and walked up to the porch. Nora Sayers had always made me incredibly nervous. Even now as a woman in her mid-thirties, I did not feel comfortable with her. ”So I hear you're some kind of lawyer?” she said, snuffing the half-smoked b.u.t.t into an ashtray next to her. I nodded.