Part Ix Part 132 (1/2)
An inst.i.tution for the mentally ill arranged for its patients to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble.
The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, ”Up, nuts!” and the patients immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, ”Down, nuts!” and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the patients were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, ”Clap, nuts!” and the patients applauded just like normal fans.
Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on.
The director finally located his a.s.sistant and demanded, ”What happened?” ”Everything was fine,” the a.s.sistant said, ”until some guy came over and yelled, 'Peanuts'!”
Overweight Golfers.
Two overweight middle-aged men were both ordered by their physicians to get a lot more exercise.
They both took up golf and became partners.
On their first time out, the one man said to the other, ”I don't have the energy to play too long today.”
The second shook his head in agreement and said, ”OK, We'll quit as soon as either of us makes a hole in one.”
Scotsman at a Baseball Game.
A Scotsman was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming ”Run, Run.” This happened two more times, with a single and a triple.
The Scotsman was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four b.a.l.l.s went by. The umpire called ”walk” and the batter started on a slow trot to first.
The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, ”R-R-Run ye ba.s.starrd, rrrun!”
Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarra.s.sed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scot's embarra.s.sment, leaned over and said, ”He can't run - he got four b.a.l.l.s.”
The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, ”Walk with pride, man... walk with pride!”
Stevie Plays Golf.
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, ”How is the singing career going?”
Stevie Wonder says, ”Not too bad, the latest alb.u.m has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf.”
Nicklaus replies: ”Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now.”
”I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right,” says Stevie.
”You play golf!” asks Jack.
Stevie says, ”Yes, I have been playing for years.”
”But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?” Jack asks.
”I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice,” explains Stevie.
”But how do you putt?” Nicklaus wondered.
”Well,” says Stevie, ”I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice.”
Nicklaus says, ”What is your handicap?”
”Well, I play off scratch,” Stevie a.s.sures Jack.
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, ”We must play a game sometime.”
Wonder replies, ”Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.”