Part 22 (2/2)
”O my G.o.d, my merciful and gracious G.o.d, what can I say of thy amazing, distinguis.h.i.+ng mercy to me? Delivered from all these fears, and able to adopt the text fully, I know of none who have more or greater cause of fear as sinners. My transgressions have been of _crimson_ and _scarlet_ hue. O my G.o.d, thou knowest them, words cannot paint them. My Saviour, thou knowest them, for thou baredst them; every jot and t.i.ttle was put to thy account, and thou didst cancel all. O that garden, that cry on the cross! the effects were seen on thy sacred body, but who can conceive the mysterious horror which agonized thy sacred soul? But thou saidst, _It is finished,_ and finished it is. Lamb of G.o.d, which takest away the sins of the world, on thy consecrated head I lay the hand of faith, confess my sins, pray for forgiveness, and believe that I am forgiven.
”July 29th, my birthday, and the last day of the threescore years and ten of my sinful life. What an, exhibition will that day produce, when the secrets of all hearts will be laid open, all my actions and all the springs of them. In all the myriads which shall appear at the bar of G.o.d, will there be such a sinner--taking into view the early grace manifested?
”Born, I think, about the seventeenth year of my natural life; previously instructed in the doctrines and precepts of the Scriptures, as far as the natural mind can conceive, by pious parents and a faithful pastor; with milk provided for my spiritual infancy, and richer food set before me for my growth; the leaves of the new covenant were opened to my view, and the fulness treasured in Christ for my supply, to be asked, to be delighted in; and delighted I was, and satisfied. But Oh, I forsook the fountain of living waters, and hewed out broken cisterns, that could hold no water. Where can language be found to depict my ingrat.i.tude, my madness, my folly; and where to describe the long-suffering, the compa.s.sionate remonstrances, the kindly, fatherly chastis.e.m.e.nts, the repeated pardons and restorations of my gracious G.o.d in days of youth--aggravating my renewed backslidings, bringing upon my sinful soul vengeance for my inventions? What were the sins of Israel and Judah to mine? Mine were committed after the great atonement was made; the adorable High-priest, Jesus, had with his own blood entered within the veil, and was set on the right hand of the throne of the Majesty of the heavens: the minister of the sanctuary, and of the true tabernacle, which the Lord pitched, and not man. The new covenant was exhibited, established on better promises, himself the Mediator. The new and living way was consecrated to the holiest of all by the blood of Jesus; a throne of grace was established, Jesus himself our Advocate and Intercessor. We are now privileged to come boldly to a throne of grace, that we may find grace to help in the time of need. O how aggravated my sin above theirs, having such great and precious privileges and promises, and a High-priest who can be touched with the feeling of our infirmities, who was in all points tempted as we are; who owns us as his brethren and sisters, yea, the very _members of his body_, and his Spirit dwelleth in us.
”I set apart the day for fasting and deep humiliation; took another survey of my past sinful life; confessed particulars on my knees, and made a fresh application to the blood of sprinkling which cleanseth from all sin; took a fresh hold of his new covenant of promise. 'This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, saith the Lord; I will put my laws in their hearts, and in their minds will I write them, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more.' Lord, do as thou hast said. I rest my immortal soul on thy promise.”
”JULY 30, 1812.
”The day set apart by the General a.s.sembly and State Legislature for fasting and humiliation, confession of sin and prayer.
”Our pastor read the second chapter of Jeremiah, a great portion of which belongs to my own character as an individual; and is laid up as part of that provision which is to support me through the last stage in the wilderness, and through Jordan, over which I must shortly pa.s.s; laid in as a proof of the amazing long-suffering of G.o.d, and his readiness to forgive even the vile backslider in heart and life, as proclaimed in chapter three.”
”SABBATH, NOV. 22.”
”'Turn ye to the strong-hold, ye prisoners of hope.' Zech. 9:12.
My Jesus--my hope, my stronghold, my safety, my Saviour, my portion, my life, my happiness--yes, my happiness, for safe I am and happy, though sometimes in heaviness, for yet sin dwelleth in me, and in others dear as my own soul; and though I know it is pardoned, and provision made for pardon to the end, yet, O it is bitter, and bitter let it be. I would not have it otherwise. Heal my depravity, O G.o.d; take sin out of this heart; O fill it with love to thee, and to all my fellow-sinners. My dear High-priest, it can be but a little further to Jordan. My seventy years are run. Does not the ark of the covenant appear, going before me? am I not called to decamp and follow after? O my blessed, blessed High-priest, keep my eye fixed on thy person, and let me the little further follow thee step by step, foot after foot, without losing one mark all the way to Jordan; and there let me see thee. Blessed ark of the covenant, roll back the waters of terror, stand firm in Jordan, and bid me come unto thee, and set up the stones of memorial in a song of praise in the midst of Jordan.
”O then thy glory let me see, Then cause thy face to s.h.i.+ne on me, And tune my heart, and tune my voice, And language furnish to rejoice, That all around may lend their tongue, And sweetly join my dying song.”
”SABBATH, December 8, 1812.
”'Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thy hand against mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me.' 'The Lord will perfect that which concerns me: thy mercy, O Lord, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.' Psalm 138:7, 8.
”I will no longer mourn over loss of memory; I think the Lord has more than made it up to me by his sensible presence while hearing and applying the sermon to my heart at the time; not only so, he enlightens my understanding; it opens more to the elucidations of my pastor; and though I forget the words and the order of his discourses, I am instructed in the knowledge of the subject and the Scriptures in general. Shall I deny the grace of G.o.d through fear or pride? I see it not to be my duty. Can I attribute any thing to myself? No; shame and confusion of face belong to me, for my carelessness and idleness in the use of means during health and strength of body and mind. Never has G.o.d dealt with me as I sinned, but according to his own mercy, and in a way of great sovereignty. Let me record his great goodness, his tender mercies, and bless his name.
”Old age is upon me, and some of its infirmities; my memory is much impaired, and my mind in temporal things and subjects becomes very desultory. Not so in spirituals: I think I not only hear and read with more intense attention and prompt application, but my mind is more disposed to meditation; and though I cannot remember much of the sermons I hear, yet my mind is often furnished with happy and profitable thoughts on the same subjects; and I find myself instructed without remembering the instructions. This is evidently from the Lord.
It appears to me also that I have not lost the sensibility of youth. I often shed tears, not only of compunction, but of grat.i.tude. I seldom commune without tears. I think much of death; am solemnized, but not afraid.
”As far as I know, my confidence rests upon a surety-righteousness, exclusive of every thing in myself. I am not conscious of self-righteousness; I have no complacency in any thing ever done by me. I not only believe that in all things I come short, and that sin is mixed in all I do, because G.o.d hath said so, but am sensible of the particular depravity. It is my sincere desire to be stript of every thing that is mine--sins and duties laid in one heap--and to be clothed in the surety-righteousness of my Redeemer; all that is mine put to his account, and all that he did and suffered, as the Mediator and surety of the covenant, to mine.
”I am afflicted with rheumatism, but G.o.d gives me patience, disposes me to enumerate my many remaining mercies--eyes to read his word and ears to hear it preached; hitherto such moderation of pain as very often to be able to attend with fixedness. I have my room at my own command, candle, fire, and attendance; and O, bless the Lord, my soul, much of his sensible presence. In the night when my aches prevent me from sleeping, he gives me some sweet hymn; I sing, my pain is diverted, while my heart is melted and warmed under the expressions, and I often drop asleep with the words on my tongue.
”I am convinced that the provision I have laid in for my last journey in the wilderness and through Jordan, is selected by the influence of the Holy Ghost. He takes of the things of Christ and shows them unto me; and while he keeps upon my mind my meanness, my vileness, wrings my heart with the retrospect of my backslidings and highly aggravated transgressions, he opens at the same time the leaves of the New Testament and shows me my deliverance from punishment, the redemption of my soul, and my translation into the kingdom of G.o.d's dear Son: I weep and rejoice; I loathe myself, and clasping my Saviour to my heart, am at a loss for words to express how precious he is to my saved soul.
”Jesus, I love thy charming name, 'Tis music to my ear; Fain would I sound it out so loud That heaven and earth should hear.
Yes, thou art precious to my soul, My transport and my trust, My Saviour, Shepherd, Husband, Friend, No other good I boast.
All my capacious powers can wish, In thee doth richly meet; Not to mine eyes is light so dear.
Nor friends.h.i.+p's self so sweet.
Thy grace shall dwell upon my heart And shed its fragrance there, The n.o.blest balm of all my wounds, And cordial of my care.
<script>