Part 16 (1/2)

Some women said that as their family grew, their husbands fi nally fi nally ”got it.”

”When we had the second I was amazed at how my husband helped me out. I feel like with the first one he gave fi fty percent, but then with the second he gave ninety percent. His commitment and involvement really went up with the second kid.”

-Marilyn, married 11 years, 4 kids Others didn't so much ”get it” as they had ”it” thrust upon them.

”It wasn't like Tom just saw the second kid and said, 'By golly, I'd better roll up my sleeves around here.' I think it was when I started bouncing checks that he realized I had too many b.a.l.l.s in the air.”

-Joanne, married 6 years, 2 kids Will the Penny Ever Ever Drop? Drop?

Other women complained that their husbands still don't get it, and never will.

”For the first year after the second kid, my husband just lay on the couch and went into a funk. He constantly complained about how busy we were and how tired we were. We We? I repeat, he lay on the couch and went into a funk. He didn't do jack squat.”

-Cheryl, married 12 years, 2 kids ”My husband actually said the following: 'Why don't you appreciate the fact that I try to make your life easier? Don't you appreciate that I make the money so you can buy nice things and stay at home with the kids? You don't have to work.' Believe me, he didn't get laid for about a month.”

-Rebecca, married 11 years, 3 kids 220.

Yes, our husbands ”got it,” but, of course, there was still lots of room for improvement. At the top of the list of annoying husband behaviors were their increasingly dramatic bids for freedom.

The Great Escapees Even as our husbands ratcheted up their partic.i.p.ation on the home front with each additional child, they also stepped up their escape attempts, becoming increasingly extreme in their desperation to fly the coop.

Think Steve McQueen in The Great Escape The Great Escape trying to leap the fence into Switzerland on his motorbike. trying to leap the fence into Switzerland on his motorbike.

Only in talking about this section did we realize that each of our own husbands had drastically stepped up a hobby or declared a lifelong time-consuming pa.s.sion we never knew they had: * Mike took up fi s.h.i.+ng during the last months of Cathy's second pregnancy. (Apparently, it is not possible to fish for less than five hours at a stretch.) * Gordon announced that he intended to enter an amateur cycling event in the Alps, coincidental to the birth of Julia's second. (He'd always been a cyclist, but suddenly, that Alpine climb became an imperative).

* Ross trained every morning for months and ran a marathon during Stacie's second pregnancy.

And we're not the only ones: ”A few weeks after we had our third child, my husband told me that he was going to start campaigning for John Kerry, manning phone centers and registering voters. I thought he had totally lost it. I was like, 'Who needs you more? Me or John Kerry?' ”

-Maggie, married 7 years, 3 kids When women face the challenge of losing their free time, they say, ”Something's gotta give.” When men confront it, they say, ”There's got to be a way out of here.” We're scaling back while you're adding turbo-charged Iron Man activities to your schedule. Is that really fair?

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Ramping Up and Giving In 221.

The Great Escapees What's understandable to a woman: missing your freedom and a perfectly reasonable desire to hit certain milestones before you turn forty.

We can relate. When you step up to the plate as the Famn Damily gets bigger, we truly are motivated to make sure you get let off the leash as often as possible. What's incomprehensible to a woman is when you pro-pose a weekly solo activity that takes you away for hours at a time. That makes it very hard for us to be magnanimous and say, ”Go have fun.”

What Am I? The Warden?

There's another little problem with these escape attempts: we end up playing the warden. We don't always want to be the bad guy. We get annoyed when you say things like, ”John's wife still lets him play golf every Sat.u.r.day, why can't I?” or ”Hey, the guys are getting together for a little poker tonight. Can I have a hall pa.s.s?” What are we, the school princ.i.p.als handing out hall pa.s.ses and demerits? Should we schedule homeroom and snack time in addition to recess, too?

We want you to act like a partner in this growing enterprise, and use your sound, manly reason to choose how and when to spend your free time. We're really not interested in being your ball and chain.

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222.

H OW M E N F E E L.

”Now it's official. I'm one of those sorry b.a.s.t.a.r.ds in the airport hauling two kids in the double stroller, the baby in the backpack, and fifteen pieces of luggage. I am the pack mule.”

-Dean, married 8 years, 3 kids ”Two kids have Negative Covariance. They're like magnets with opposing forces. When one is happy, the other is sad. When one is crying, the other wants to play. When one is hungry, the other won't eat. When one is charging off to the right, the other one charges off to the left. It makes my head spin.”

-Ruben, married 8 years, 2 kids Swollen with pride at the gurgling, giggling, ball-tossing evidence of their manly prowess, guys become increasingly involved in the life of their growing family. It helps that the older kids, are, well, getting older, and therefore significantly more interesting (not to mention easier to care for) to a man than a newborn is. They get great satisfaction from the relations.h.i.+ps they form with the kids, and they often find they are relating better to their more-chilled-out wife as well. Of course, they also can't help but notice that their slice of the pie keeps getting smaller, and that their free time has virtually disappeared. With the increased pressure to provide, and a life that often seems out of their control, they can feel worn down by the double treadmills (work and home) of their existence.

The Pack Mule Ramping Up and Giving In 223.

Getting the Dad Thing Down ”The good news is that with the second, you're more skilled. You get better, faster, smarter. You know what corners you can cut.”

-Greg, married 10 years, 3 kids Argh! Always cutting corners! But hey, maybe they're on to something after all . . .

”I have so much fun with Catherine, our four-year-old; she just cracks me up. She's a real little person now. The baby is cute, but it's not much fun to hang out with him. It feels like work.

Catherine doesn't feel like work anymore.”

-Howard, married 7 years, 2 kids Like their wives, men also gain perspective on the process and can adjust their expectations accordingly. They know, for example, that the Twilight Zone doesn't last forever-that they will will sleep again and their wife will eventually return to a fairly recognizable version of her former self. sleep again and their wife will eventually return to a fairly recognizable version of her former self.

”I remember with Luke that I bought these alphabet letter cards and taped them on the ceiling above his changing table, thinking he'd learn to read his name by the time he was two.

I'm a little more realistic about things with the baby and just try to have fun playing with him.”

-Scott, married 8 years, 2 kids Aha!

”Most of your time at home seems to be 'kid focused' when you have two or more kids. Whether you're getting lunch or dinner ready, changing diapers, playing, getting them ready for naps, or bathing; it seems there is always a kid activity going on. I finally realized, 's.h.i.+t, this is hard.' ”

-Curt, married 5 years, 2 kids ”Paradise is watching one kid!”

-Andy, married 5 years, 3 kids Once they get more involved in the heavy lifting (especially on the 224 224 weekends), most men, as we noted, finally ”get it.” They do, therefore they They do, therefore they understand. understand. Of course, a few enlightened men got it the first time around, but for most, the proverbial light bulb does not go off until the second arrives. This understanding translates into empathy, appreciation, and willingness to help. When their wife is nursing the baby, and the toddler is about to take a flying leap off the kitchen counter, they can see how their partic.i.p.ation is important. They realize their wife can't ”fi ght two alligators” (change two diapers) at once. Of course, a few enlightened men got it the first time around, but for most, the proverbial light bulb does not go off until the second arrives. This understanding translates into empathy, appreciation, and willingness to help. When their wife is nursing the baby, and the toddler is about to take a flying leap off the kitchen counter, they can see how their partic.i.p.ation is important. They realize their wife can't ”fi ght two alligators” (change two diapers) at once.

”With three kids, I saw that I needed to pay more attention to each of them, to invest that time. My wife is a great mom, but she can't read to Jenny, stack blocks with John and Katie, and load the dishwasher at the same time.”

-Jeremy, married 7 years, 3 kids What Happened to My Life?

”Guys are haunted by the ghosts of their past life. They remember the guy who used to go out after work and have a couple of drinks. They remember (or they imagine) the days of wanton women and wild s.e.x. They remember when they had the freedom to sit around all day on Sat.u.r.day watching sports.

As they have more kids, though, they finally realize they have to kill those ghosts.”

-Alan, married 9 years, 3 kids Our friend Pat said, ”Having the first kid was a cakewalk, but that second one was a car crash.” He was not alone. It's almost as if it takes men an extra child (or two) to catch up with their wives. Her world was upended the first time; his was merely shaken. For him, the additional kids bring on the earthquake. Why is this?

With one child, men can maintain their extracurricular pursuits- albeit at a reduced frequency-but they can find the time to do it. Our friend Gary told us, ”When we had our first kid I realized I had to transition my weekend motorcycle racing from an obsession to a hobby. And I did. But now, with the second, I had to pretty much give it up. If I can get out there once a month, I'm doing well.” It's that whole freedom freedom thing again. The incremental loss of freedom or downtime adds up and it wears Ramping Up and Giving In thing again. The incremental loss of freedom or downtime adds up and it wears Ramping Up and Giving In 225.

a guy down-more than we realized, actually. Some feel like their lives are nothing but a series of ”have-to's.” ”I have to suit up and perform at work. I have to suit up and perform at home.”

Julia's first instinct was to call this section ”Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me,”

but Cathy and Stacie were much more sympathetic to men's ”plight” and talked her down from her sarcasm. After all, we know where they're coming from. We need some freedom too. Some men, however, can lose sight of the relative sacrifice and get a tad dramatic: ”For a guy domestic life can be emasculating. When there's no hope of escape and little to no chance of hooking up with your wife at the end of the day, you might as well castrate a guy.

Diapers, baths, naps, time-outs . . . it goes completely against our biological drive, and if we don't get a break from it all we end up climbing the walls.”