Part 15 (1/2)

* We (men) start to lose our hair.

* We gain fifteen pounds because we can't get to the gym.

* We develop a slight stoop from carrying thirty-pound children.

* We buy time-management and life-balance books, but never read them. We are still hopeful that someone, somewhere has got this all fi gured out.

”I was mad at the world for a while after we had our kids. But, as I told my friend whose kids stopped napping at the same time, you inevitably slip into a comfort zone with the very things that made you uncomfortable, and you just plain get used to it. Now I cherish the moments when I'm given time alone with just one of my children. Not that I don't wish wish for them to nap at the same time.” for them to nap at the same time.”

-Ellen, married 9 years, 2 kids Team Think: Grown-ups versus Rugrats ”It's 'All Hands on Deck' because it has has to be.” to be.”

-Cindy, married 9 years, 3 kids ”I feel like with each child our marriage got stronger, the bond got deeper, we understood each other better.”

-Ruth, married 11 years, 2 kids For most of us, as our families grow, it becomes apparent pretty quickly that, like it or not, the two of us will be obliged to work together if we are going to keep everything afloat. If the game is Grown-ups versus Rugrats Grown-ups versus Rugrats, we need each other in order to win. It's too much for one person to handle. Two interesting phenomena occur simultaneously, both of which precipitate our learning to operate as a well-oiled machine: Dad Steps Up Dad Steps Up and Mom Chills Out and Mom Chills Out.

What's the old adage? The fi rst child makes a man a parent. The sec-Ramping Up and Giving In The fi rst child makes a man a parent. The sec-Ramping Up and Giving In 207.

ond one makes him a father. Many men we spoke with agreed that it was the second or third kids that drafted them into full-fl edged fatherhood. Many men we spoke with agreed that it was the second or third kids that drafted them into full-fl edged fatherhood.

”When we just had one kid, I was like the reserve unit called in occasionally for backup duty. But with three, man, I am on active duty big time,” said our former-Marine-friend Sean. At this point, men are simply obliged by the level of work to get involved. Their partic.i.p.ation is a given.

When things start busting at the seams, Mom quickly realizes she needs to relax her parenting standards (matching outfits are no longer required). She may also decide that her husband, clueless as he once may have seemed, is perfectly able to feed, bathe, and dress the kids. ”I just couldn't do it all on my own anymore,” said our hard-charging attorney-friend Gail.

Needless to say, we're not always moving in synchronized harmony (if ever) and there are times when we think we're pulling more weight than our teammate. It takes some players longer than others to get with the program, but eventually, we start to see some of the signs that we're working as a team: ”As I look back, I can't remember when things changed or even talking about it, but now we have an understanding that when the kids are awake both parents are on deck. So, when one of us is making dinner, the other is doing homework/baths/kicking the ball in the backyard.”

-Anton, married 9 years, 2 kids Fun with Family Math The Numbers Game Just talking talking about the possibility of more children can cause marital arguments. Many of us have ongoing ”how-many-should we-have” debates. According to a poll on about the possibility of more children can cause marital arguments. Many of us have ongoing ”how-many-should we-have” debates. According to a poll on babycenter.com babycenter.com, 21 percent of couples are not in agreement about the ideal size of their family (”Yeah, she can have another one, but it just won't be with me!”), and another 43 percent ”think” they agree.1 208.

Some couples turn the numbers game into an intricate math equation, with each new variable (kid) requiring an economic a.n.a.lysis that would make Alan Greenspan proud. All for a question that requires a seemingly simple numerical answer.

”We are debating having a third. There are days when we look at each other and say, 'This is a two-kid day.' ”

-Ramon, married 10 years, 2 kids Recalculating Many couples reduce their ideal number of offspring with each new baby. For example, when they got married, Mike told Cathy he wanted six kids. After the first, the number was cut to five, and after the second, he concluded that three would be just fine, thank you very much.

The s.p.a.cing Game What do you do if one half of the couple wants to compress diaper duty into the shortest possible time span and the other wants to s.p.a.ce the kids three years apart?

”Each year we wait to have that third kid, means another year tacked onto the time it takes to raise our family. At this rate, we're going to be attending PTA meetings when we're sixty!”

-Dennis, married 10 years, 2 kids The Crying Game: How the Debate Is Settled It's a zero sum game. Someone's going to lose.

Short-Term Impact a.n.a.lysis: ”Even though I didn't want another baby, the lure of having lots of s.e.x was enough to convince me.”

-Alan, married 9 years, 3 kids Long-Term Impact a.n.a.lysis: ”He only wanted two and he won. I think there are a few subjects where the no's always get to win. This was one of them. It took me a few weeks to reconcile to the fact that we would not have three. However, when I thought about how Ramping Up and Giving In 209.

tough things could be if we had three and he wasn't 100 percent committed to it, it became a no-brainer.”

-Vivian, married 6 years, 2 kids Ninety-nine percent of the time, the woman gets the swing vote. And really, until men get pregnant and breastfeed, that seems fair to us. Several couples, however, told us they'd used a high-stakes bartering system to come to final terms. Laura told her husband that she would have a third as long as she never, ever had to cook dinner again. Bill extracted a promise of weekly s.e.x from his wife in exchange for a fourth.

Oh, yeah, and be careful what you wish for. We know quite a few couples who, upon going for that second or third, got pregnant with twins . . .

While more kids drag more chaos, work, and financial pressure into our lives, they also instantly give us more clarity and direction. That second one, especially, quickly forces us to close the book on our past life and quit trying to ”get things back to the way they were before we had kids.”

We accept our new reality. And we are all the better for it.

Bonus Section: A Family Vacation Is Not Not a Vacation a Vacation Ahhh, the family vacation. Fun in the sun? Absolutely. A little R and R? Ahhh, the family vacation. Fun in the sun? Absolutely. A little R and R?

Not quite. A family vacation is not a vacation. It's a Schlep-Fest Schlep-Fest. We work just as hard, if not harder, than when we're at home; doing it in a different place. Often, we return home exhausted, minus the beloved blankie a child can't sleep without, and sometimes, barely on speaking terms with our spouse. Why?

”The five-minute quickie never worked out, or the wife spent half the day looking all over Downtown Disney for her toddler's lost tennis shoe because it was such a cute pair. Or both.”

-(Ok, we'll admit it. That was one of us.) Remember the days when your vacation would start when you got on the airplane (or even when you got to the airport)? Shoes off, magazine Remember the days when your vacation would start when you got on the airplane (or even when you got to the airport)? Shoes off, magazine 210 210 open, head back . . . relax. Now, getting there is the most traumatic part of the trip.

Snooty Flight Attendants When you fly with small kids no one wants to know you, least of all the flight attendants. On her maiden voyage alone with a baby, Julia struggled to collapse the stroller with one hand while holding the baby in the other. (She's a pro now, what with all the practice one gets in the security line these days.) Three flight attendants stood watching her, arms folded across their chests. ”I asked them if they could help and they told me, most patronizingly, that they were not permitted to hold babies. I don't know why that stopped them from collapsing the stroller. The line was getting so backed up that fi nally, the captain the captain of the plane abandoned the c.o.c.kpit and came out to hold Theo. Surely he should have been fi guring out how to get that thing off the ground, not letting a baby pull off his gla.s.ses. I was mortified. And furious.” of the plane abandoned the c.o.c.kpit and came out to hold Theo. Surely he should have been fi guring out how to get that thing off the ground, not letting a baby pull off his gla.s.ses. I was mortified. And furious.”

Appalled Pa.s.sengers Cathy flew to Ireland last Christmas with a toddler and a baby. Alone.

(She is quick to point out that it was one of the most stupid things she's ever done.) ”I could smell the fear when I got on the plane. Everyone was terrified that they'd be pressed into babysitting duties at 30,000 feet. They all got furiously interested in their books and the contents of their carry-on. When we landed in Dublin ten hours later (after, I admit, almost continuous whining/crying from my two seats), I was approached by a man who asked me when I would be flying back. He wanted to make sure he wasn't on the same fl ight.”

On another flight, Stacie's ten-month-old cried at the top of her lungs for an hour. She responded to the ”if-looks-could-kill” daggers she was getting by lifting her screaming baby up in the air and announcing, ”I've tried everything: bottle, food, pacifier, books . . . I've given it my best shot.” She then apologized and sat back down.

The Airport Bathroom Stall When Stacie was seven months pregnant she traveled solo with her three-year-old and one-year-old. Yes, she was that insane. She'll never forget Ramping Up and Giving In 211.

her experience in that 33 bathroom stall: ”My oldest said that she had to go, but she was too scared of the 'loud toilet that flushes by itself.' Board-ing was about to start, so I got desperate. While holding my twenty-fi ve-pound one-year-old, very pregnant mind you, I sat on the back of that evil toilet and placed her in front of me and encouraged her to go. But she was just too scared. No one was around, so I lifted her up to go in the sink. Of course a few women walked in and caught me in the act. Yes, I had reached a new low. But I didn't care. I was not going to board a two-hour flight and deal with a three-year-old who had wet her pants!”

A Plea to the Flying Public When you fly alone with kids, one of two things happens.

Either you decide that the human race is doomed, or your faith in humanity is restored.

A woman traveling alone with her kids is often made to feel like she is the lowest form of life on the planet. People sigh loudly and wring their hands behind you because they have to wait an additional two minutes to board the plane, or they sit stone-faced beside you as your adorable toddler waves at them and attempts to grab their watch. We know it's annoying. We were on your side not too long ago.

We have also been moved almost to tears by the milk of human kindness shown us by the countless strangers who've offered to carry a bag, hold a baby, or even play peek-a-boo over the seat for an hour with a toddler. We have all depended on the kindness of strangers, and we are more grateful than you can imagine.

So please, if you can't find it in your heart (or you are physically unable) to offer to carry a bag or collapse a stroller (honestly, no one expects you to hold a baby), just be patient.

Maybe offer a weak smile of sympathy. That's not too much to ask, is it?

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H OW WO M E N F E E L.

”As you have more kids, reality sets in. This is real life and you have to make it work for your family.”

-Melanie, married 9 years, 2 kids Who knew our hearts held enough love to go around for all these kids?

Who knew we had such reserves of strength and inner fort.i.tude to care for them all (and our husbands, and maybe even ourselves)? We women sometimes surprise ourselves. Just when we think we can't possibly get up one more time in the night, or that there's no way we'll ever ever make it through the day at work without falling asleep and drooling all over our desks, somehow we do manage. It may not be pretty, but we manage. make it through the day at work without falling asleep and drooling all over our desks, somehow we do manage. It may not be pretty, but we manage.

The question just becomes, ”OK. Wow. How am I going to make all this work?”

The Big Chill ”I have definitely mellowed out in a lot of ways. I've had to let go and realize that so much is out of my hands and I need to just go with the fl ow.”

-Leslie, married 8 years, 3 kids ”I read about all those moms who are depressed. I don't have time to get depressed-I'm too busy surviving. I don't even have time to think about getting depressed.”