Part 8 (1/2)

Was it really really such a big deal to go from having s.e.x once or twice a week to once or twice a month? Our friend Larry told us, ”Just as in real estate the three most important things are location, location, location; in marriage, the three most important things for men are s.e.x, s.e.x, and s.e.x.” such a big deal to go from having s.e.x once or twice a week to once or twice a month? Our friend Larry told us, ”Just as in real estate the three most important things are location, location, location; in marriage, the three most important things for men are s.e.x, s.e.x, and s.e.x.”

At first, we thought he was exaggerating, but turns out he wasn't at all.

To put this comment in perspective, we asked other male friends what their wives did for them that made them as happy as having s.e.x. Their answer? ”Nothing makes us as happy as having s.e.x.” Not a four-course dinner? ”No.” Not a weekend away with the guys? ”No.” Not a willingness to sit with them through some movie with lots of exploding robots and cras.h.i.+ng cars? ”Nope.” Their response was unanimous: ”This is the number one issue. One-thousandfold.”

”Nothing else matters. Nothing else matters. Nothing else matters. We have a great marriage. I'm a pretty easygoing guy.

I can deal with finances. I can deal with problems. I can deal with 'issues.' I can't deal with no s.e.x.”

-Harrison, married 8 years, 2 kids But Why the Disconnect?

Especially on something so fundamental that it defines us as human beings, as creatures who mate for life? Is Mother Nature playing some kind of mean-spirited trick on us all? Wouldn't it just be better if men and women had the same s.e.x drives throughout life? Well, apparently there is a good reason: it's the small matter of the propagation of the human race.

Biology sets us up as mirror images of each other, as polar opposites, to promote the continuation of the species ( he he wants to spread his seed), and to maximize the survival of our existing offspring ( wants to spread his seed), and to maximize the survival of our existing offspring ( she she focuses on the baby). Robert Wright summarizes this idea in the first few chapters of his 1994 bestseller, focuses on the baby). Robert Wright summarizes this idea in the first few chapters of his 1994 bestseller, The Moral Animal The Moral Animal. Wright, borrowing language from biologist George Williams, describes male versus female genetic interests in terms of the sacrifice required for reproduction: 116 116 ”For a male mammal, the necessary sacrifice to reproduce is close to zero. [It] involves a negligible expenditure of energy . . . on his part, and only a momentary lapse of attention from matters of direct concern to his safety and well-being. For the female, on the other hand, copulation may mean a commitment to a prolonged burden (pregnancy, childbirth, and many years of caring for her dependent offspring [sic]) and its attendant stresses and dangers. Thus, it is in her genetic interest to a.s.sume the burdens of reproduction only when circ.u.mstances seem propitious.”1 So there you have it. Men's bodies and daily lives are not affected by the arrival of children the way women's are. They proliferate their genes through s.e.x. Women, alternatively, are compelled by nature to nurture their young to the exclusion of all else. They ensure their genetic heritage by caring for their offspring.

When you consider that our behaviors are ultimately derived from millions of years of evolutionary biology, it does take some some of the pressure off, doesn't it? So we can all relax. The root of the conflict lies in our two competing biological drives. Our modern-day frustrations (known in scientific circles as the of the pressure off, doesn't it? So we can all relax. The root of the conflict lies in our two competing biological drives. Our modern-day frustrations (known in scientific circles as the Hound-Dog/Ice-Queen Vortex Hound-Dog/Ice-Queen Vortex) are, more than we will ever know, hardwired.

Guys, we've tried our best to get your version of the story right, and we hope we do it justice in the pages ahead. Forgive us if we don't have all the nuances down pat. As a demonstration of our commitment to ac-curacy and sense of fair play, we're even going to let you go first. . . .

H OW M E N F E E L . Y E S , F E E L .

”You get married because there are so many things you love and like about that person. s.e.x with her is one of those things. You don't expect that to just go away. You expect her to be there for that. Surely that was part of the deal?”

-Larry, married 3 years, 1 kid ”I feel like s.e.x is the Holy Grail in marriage-you're always searching for it.”

-Mitch.e.l.l, married 7 years, 3 kids The ”s.e.x Life” of New Parents 117.

What's the Big Deal? Why s.e.x Matters to Him When we asked married men what s.e.x with their wives means to them, the universal answer was ”everything.” But why? For the life of us, we couldn't understand. I mean, we women have always liked it, too, but really, why the big hubbub? When we asked married men what s.e.x with their wives means to them, the universal answer was ”everything.” But why? For the life of us, we couldn't understand. I mean, we women have always liked it, too, but really, why the big hubbub?

”It's not just about the act of s.e.x itself-what's important is the real, intimate contact. You are connecting on a whole different level with your wife.”

-Brian, married 6 years, 2 kids ”When my wife has s.e.x with me, she is letting me know that she appreciates me, that I'm a good person, and that she wants to be with me.”

-Larry, married 3 years, 1 kid One friend, Paul, joked, ”We're quite simple creatures, really. I know women want us to be these complicated, fascinating, emotional puzzles, but we're just not. It's really pretty formulaic.” But as you can see from what Brian and Larry are saying, the reasons underlying a husband's need for s.e.x are far from simple. If s.e.x were really just a physical act for men, a necessary release and nothing more, they could quite literally take matters into their own hands. The physical need, however, is just the tip of the iceberg. Men told us they need to connect emotionally just as much as women do. They just do it differently. They connect through s.e.x. When guys say they ”need s.e.x” what they are really saying is that they need ”rea.s.surance,” ”recognition,” and ”connection”-fundamental human needs that it's hard to fault them for having. David said, ”When a wife lets her husband know she wants to have s.e.x with him, he hears that he is loved, needed, and appreciated.”

An April 2005 article in Psychology Today Psychology Today that talked about how modern women expect an unprecedented level of emotional intimacy from their husbands in order to consider their marriages ”fulfilling” put it this way: that talked about how modern women expect an unprecedented level of emotional intimacy from their husbands in order to consider their marriages ”fulfilling” put it this way: ”s.e.x is seriously underrated as a pa.s.sport to (the) communicative country a lot of wives want to explore. While 118 118 some women seem to resent the fact that their husbands want them, and want to be wanted back, the very act (as opposed to talk) allows a lot of men to be more emotionally available. Men become vulnerable when they are s.e.xually engaged. Maybe . . .

women could start to feel it as more a form of communication.

Many women may see it as more work-but isn't that what they are asking of their men?”2 The Impact of No s.e.x and Rejection ”How did my wife react to becoming a mother? I can sum it up in one sentence: 'Honey, I forgot about you.' ”

-Gabe, married 6 years, 2 kids Most men we spoke to were blindsided by their wives' sudden loss of interest in s.e.x, and they longed for the emotional intimacy they had once shared with her. They described feelings of loneliness, frustration, anger, and even resignation that the three of us found very surprising, and ultimately, revelatory.

They said they often felt abandoned and forgotten. They see their wives exhibit superhuman strength caring for their small children. No matter how exhausted she is, she will fi nd the strength to read her child a bedtime story. She will get up, not once, but ten times during the night if the baby is crying and calling for her. You will never hear a mother say, ”I am just too tired to feed this kid-let him go to bed hungry.” But guys feel their wives, upon becoming mothers, let them go to bed hungry all the time. The ”not tonights” start to add up.

Steve said, ”Nothing says you don't matter like the back of your wife's head night after night. That same head will jump up when our toddler cries in the early hours of the morning. I'd need to set the bed on fi re to get the same kind of attention.” Brian realized his marriage had entered a new era when his wife, who was leaving for the gym, stopped to kiss their baby son who he was holding. ”I didn't even get a peck on the cheek. No good-bye. She didn't even make eye contact with me. It's not like I'm jealous of my son, I just want a bit of recognition.” Gordon said, ”I feel like the Bottom Head on the Family Totem Pole Bottom Head on the Family Totem Pole. I'm standing there, supporting the weight of everyone else in this family, but my needs always come last.

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The ”s.e.x Life” of New Parents 119.

Everyone and everything else gets attended to before I do, a.s.suming I get any attention at all.”

If you stop and think about it, it's easy to understand their resentment. They may not know how to communicate this pain in a language we understand, but the pain is there nonetheless.

Rejection: Why ”No” Means So Much More Than No ”s.e.x is tied to a guy's sense of self-worth. When you're not having s.e.x, your sense of self-esteem suffers. I feel resentful toward my wife when weeks go by without s.e.x. I start to feel angry with her. I also start to think she doesn't fi nd me attractive and doesn't like me.”

-Peter, married 8 years, 3 kids ”I was out in a restaurant for dinner one time and I heard a group of women at the next table laughing and joking about how they always turn their husbands down and never put out anymore. First, it was like getting stabbed in the gut because it hit so close to home. Then, it made me feel so cynical. Is that really how women think about it?”

-Seth, married 7 years, 2 kids Attention! Attention!

120.

Guys told us rejection is their worst fear. The c.u.mulative effect of repeated rejection is ”crus.h.i.+ng.” One of the ways men make sense of the world is by keeping score. It's why they like sports so much, because sports are quantifiable, because who won and who lost is black and white. They like to measure things. s.e.x is the yardstick by which they measure their wives'

appreciation and need for them. When a woman says no to s.e.x, in that ”no,” guys told us they hear that she does not want him, that she does not need him, and-if the no continues for months and months-that she does not love him. We didn't want to believe this, but men do count up the number of times they've been rejected by their wives. Ask your husband if you don't think it's true.

Consider the comments of our friend Thomas: ”I read in a book that I shouldn't initiate s.e.x and just wait for my wife to do it. So I don't initiate and neither does she. We go months without s.e.x and I am miserable. It is humiliating and painful when you are rejected at your most vulnerable, when you're naked. And when that happens three times in a row, it's soul destroying.”

Our male friends talked about the ”wheels coming off ” and ”the sky falling down” when their wives rejected them. As women, we found it hard to relate to this anguish. We were not accustomed to hearing men talk in these terms. To be honest, a lot of us wouldn't mind taking a few months off from the whole thing. But how would we feel if our husbands didn't talk to us for a month? If they didn't ask us how we were feeling? If they simply ignored us? We would say the wheels were coming off our marriages and that the sky was falling down. We would find it, like Thomas does, ”soul destroying.”

”Oh, Alright Then” Is Not Better Than ”No”

It's possible for a husband to feel the pain of rejection even if his wife has s.e.x with him. Because s.e.x is more than a physical act for men-his wife just lying back and thinking of England isn't quite the response he wants.

He wants her to want to be with him. According to Patrick, ”It's a bit of a mood killer when you hear a big sigh from the other side of the bed, 'Oh, alright then, if you really want to.' ” Not exactly what makes a man's heart leap with joy. Recently, a woman on Oprah Oprah admitted that she watches The ”s.e.x Life” of New Parents admitted that she watches The ”s.e.x Life” of New Parents 121.

television while her husband has s.e.x with her. That's pretty appalling. It's a testament to the male s.e.x drive that he is still willing to have s.e.x with her under these circ.u.mstances! Women, imagine your husband taking you out to dinner and proceeding to read a book throughout the entire meal. Can you imagine how hurt you would be?

A Word About SGIs (Small Gestures of Intimacy) ”Men go through the whole week without touching anyone.

Without any human contact other than a handshake. It's not unreasonable to look for some contact from the person you married!”

-Frank, married 7 years, 2 kids Here's another issue we heard a lot about: when s.e.x diminishes, Small Small Gestures of Intimacy Gestures of Intimacy, such as hugging and kissing, do, too. Why does this happen?

As a woman begins to lose interest in s.e.x, she becomes very reluctant to kiss and hug her husband in case those gestures are interpreted as a sign that she wants to have s.e.x. To her, a kiss and hug ”h.e.l.lo” when he walks through the door may give him the impression that they are ”on”

for later.

For men, when s.e.x diminishes, they get more desperate for physical affection, so they jump, literally, into action at the slightest show of interest. When the hugs and kisses don't lead them to their goal, over time, they resent the rejection and cut back on these small physical intimacies as well.

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Her Him Just a kiss and a hug?

Just a kiss and a hug?

No way. I don't want s.e.x.

Risky. I could get rejected.