Part 7 (1/2)

Pa.s.s the Weekend Peace Pipe So how do we stop the Warring on the Weekends? A pipe dream, you say? Possibly. But with proper planning (not necessarily in Microsoft Outlook) we can trade off responsibilities long enough to allow each of us to maintain a certain degree (albeit a shadow of its former self) of personal fulfillment. Again, it's a matter of priorities. It's just a trade-off, pure and simple. Give a little to get a little. No one should (ahem) be issuing instructions, and no one should (ahem) be angling to get out of his or her fair share. The trick is just to plan it in advance and prioritize.

Weigh the errands, the kid's socializing, the stuff that has to get done, and your mutual desire for time alone. And, oh yeah, don't forget some time together.

Are You Housebroken?

Several people we've talked to, both men and women, said they'd occasionally like a little time to just be in the house, but not be on duty. The a.s.sumption is, or always seems to be, that if you are there there, you should be working. We think we should all be allowed some downtime in the house, a House Break, for lack of a better term. You can't tell the other What's the Score?

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person how to spend those couple of hours. She can read a magazine if she wants. He can read the paper or watch TV. Either party is allowed to take a nap.

Quick, Call the Congress!

Imagine: A state-sanctioned division of labor prenup! Spanish legislators recently pa.s.sed (unanimously!) a law requiring new husbands to agree to share fifty percent of housework, childcare, and eldercare with their wives or face legal sanctions in divorce court.3 Margarita Uria, the MP who sponsored the new law, said, ”Men have to learn to start taking more responsibility in the home and women have to help them do it.”

So it's up to you, guys, take the initiative now and self-regulate, or face the legislative consequences. . . .

How and When to Measure A bit of scorekeeping is inevitable in any division of labor discussion.

There is a healthy give-and-take. Once we've meted out the ch.o.r.es between us, things should run a lot more smoothly. Should we ever start to feel that the scales are getting out of line, however, it's important to speak up. Don't be a Silent Sulker, be a Problem Solver.

Example: *

Unproductive Conversation: ”I've been up since 6:38 this morning with the kids. And yesterday, I got up with them at 6:17. And the day before that at 6:20.”

Productive Conversation: ”I'd really like to trade off mornings getting up with the kids.” Or, ”Two mornings a week I'd like it if you would get up and fix the kids breakfast.”

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Penalties for Flagrant Violations What if you agree on a plan and then one spouse falls off the wagon?

Say he or she doesn't touch a pan handle or a broom handle for a week, or makes a grossly inf lammatory comment like ”8:00 a.m. is not really sleeping in,” when you've you've been up with the kids since 5:30 been up with the kids since 5:30 a.m. (another true story)-how should you handle it? Simply impose a previously-agreed-upon penalty. The offender will have to keep the kids another two hours during his or her ”free time.” This has a remarkable deterrent effect. And, in the unfortunate event such a penalty actually has to be imposed, it leaves a lasting impression on the delinquent party.

An SOS from Sick Bay ”I don't think my husband would notice I was sick until he had to step over my dead body to get into the garage.”

-Amanda, married 9 years, 3 kids Girls, we hate to say it, but he probably won't a) notice how sick you are, and b) offer to pitch in unless you draw him a picture. (You did hand in that Martyr Badge, didn't you?) Speak up when your survival is in question. If you ask him to help and he doesn't respond appropriately, then it's time for a Training Weekend, preferably when he's pounding the ThermaFlu.

And guys, we have another exercise in empathy for you: the next time you've been up all night puking, just imagine having to pry yourself out of bed the next morning to make peanut b.u.t.ter sandwiches, change the kids into their bathing suits, and drive them to the Y for their swim lessons. Aaaaah, can you feel that pain?

”What am I supposed to do, take a day off work when my wife is sick? That sounds great, but it will never happen.”

-Nick, married 7 years, 2 kids The next time your wife is facing a Day of the Living Dead, she'll think you're a complete gem if you can find the wherewithal to do any or all of the following, depending on the severity of her illness: What's the Score?

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* Before you leave, dress, feed, and equip the kids for school.

* If you can, take them there.

* Go to work late, leave early, or come home during lunch.

* Call another living, breathing human being who might be able to come over and help her out for a while.

And if your wife is physically imploding physically imploding, maybe it actually is is time to burn one of your sick days in the name of love and general human decency? time to burn one of your sick days in the name of love and general human decency?

S O LUTI O N S FO R WO M E N.

Do You Really Really Want Him to Be a Woman? Want Him to Be a Woman?

In writing this chapter, we spoke with many women whose husbands did a h.e.l.l of a lot-e.g., regularly cooked dinner, gave baths, planned family vacations-yet they were still really unhappy with them. They said things like, ”I want him to worry like I worry.” ”He should just know to ask how the baby's checkup went.” ”I wish he were more emotive.” ”Why can't he just see what needs to be done?” On occasion, the three of us have felt this way, too. Is it possible, however, that sometimes we want our husbands to be women?

Wanting men to do their fair share (and maybe, just maybe, to ”see what needs to be done” and do it without being asked) is a perfectly reasonable request. Wanting men to respond on cue to every emotional nuance we feel is probably an unreasonable request, given the fact that they are, indeed, men. Perhaps there are some guys who are emotionally evolved enough to be a ”best girlfriend” one minute, and a ”manly man”

the next, but we can't think of any at the moment. Don't take what we're saying the wrong way. We're not saying men are incapable of emoting, or that they aren't our ”best friends,” or that they don't care about the baby's checkup, because of course they are and they do. It's just to say that sometimes our expectations are either too high, or too unrealistic. Maybe calling a girlfriend about something on your mind is a way to help scale back on the scorekeeping. By all means, get mad at your husband for not cleaning up, but don't blame him for not having a Mommy Chip.

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Open the Gate to Domestic Equality Are You a Maternal Gatekeeper?

Are we keeping the door to domestic equality shut? Is it possible that our actions actually inhibit the collaborative efforts that we say we want? We complain that our husbands don't do enough, but then we micromanage their efforts and criticize their less-than-perfect performance. ”I got so annoyed with my wife hovering over me when I would change a diaper.

Leave me alone, Honey. I can handle it,” said our friend Mark.

We forget that parenthood was a sink-or-swim learning experience for us as well. Few women would deliberately sabotage their husbands'

parenting efforts, but perhaps we do it subconsciously. ”You're not holding the bottle right.” ”That s.h.i.+rt you put on him is too small.” He has to learn as he goes, too. If we always tell our husband how to do something, he will forever be in the helper helper role, a ” role, a ”B Teamer. ” He will never be an equal take-charge parent-that partner we've been telling him we want. ” He will never be an equal take-charge parent-that partner we've been telling him we want.

(And that is is what we want, isn't it?) what we want, isn't it?) Let Him Be the Father He Wants to Be Let Him Be the Father He Wants to Be Our maternal instincts also give us tendencies toward maternal chauvin-ism-”No one can care for that child like me.” If we want our husbands to be more active fathers, we need to recognize and fight that tendency.

Even Gloria Steinem, that most vocal of feminists, said, ”We need to know not only that women can do what men can do, but also that men but also that men can do what women can do can do what women can do.”

They won't do it the way we do it, but they can can do it. We've observed that women who are happier with their husband's parenting have learned to let go and let their husbands define how they father their kids. Our friend Denise said, ”I still cringe when my husband roughhouses with the kids, but that is how he relates to them. I want to say, 'someone is going to get hurt,' but I bite my tongue. Someone always does end up crying, but they have a good time anyway.” do it. We've observed that women who are happier with their husband's parenting have learned to let go and let their husbands define how they father their kids. Our friend Denise said, ”I still cringe when my husband roughhouses with the kids, but that is how he relates to them. I want to say, 'someone is going to get hurt,' but I bite my tongue. Someone always does end up crying, but they have a good time anyway.”

What's the Score?

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Fish in the Bathtub So how do we let them be the fathers they want to be? Here's an example. We use it because it is a regular occurrence in Mike and Cathy's house. If your husband wants to take your two-year-old daughter fis.h.i.+ng, let him take her. Give him the sun lotion, but don't tell him how and where to apply it.

Remind him he needs to take diapers, but don't pack them for him. Tell him that she might need a nap in the afternoon, but don't insist that he bring her home at a certain time. Let him discover for himself the dangers of overtiring a toddler. When they come home, who cares if their clothes are filthy? If he wants to put a couple of fish in the bathtub for her to look at, as Mike invariably does, so be it. Hey, what's a couple of fish in the tub when they had a fabulous time together?

Sure, it may feel like you've just let the Cat in the Hat into your house: things might get dirty and knees might be scratched while the kids are in his care. But we all know that could happen while they're with us, too.

If we want our husbands to step up to the parenting plate, we need to get out of the way. We need to treat them like partners with whom we've gone into business-their input adds to the overall success of the organization, even if we see things differently. They won't act like partners if we treat them like a.s.sistants. When our husbands can connect with their kids on their terms, they'll want to be more involved. And we will all be one step closer to that co-parenting ideal.

Good Enough Is Good Enough and Shortcuts Are OK (Sometimes) Many arguments about the division of labor arise because of differing standards. Women want things done just so. Men just want things done.

Men despair that their wives never give them credit for what they do, but when 75 percent of a job remains unfinished, it's hard for us to get excited 106 106 about the 25 percent they did do. We get annoyed because we have to pick up where they left off. It's just not good enough. Or is it?