Part 6 (2/2)

Hi, I'm Stacie, and I'm a recovering scorekeeper. In fact, the last time I was in a heated scorekeeping battle with Ross was eight months, two weeks, and five days ago, to be exact. In fact, the last time I was in a heated scorekeeping battle with Ross was eight months, two weeks, and five days ago, to be exact.

As we wrote this book, I figured out how infuriating it was for Ross when I accessed my mental database of incriminating evidence-with exact exact precision. I realized I needed to forget all of his past misdemeanors and recognize that he was not trying to be a repeat offender. He really was putting his best foot forward. Now, whenever a scorekeeping argument starts brewing, the first thing we do is laugh at ourselves and call it what it is-a silly, waste-of-time game. When we stop and think about each other's point of view, the funny thing is, we usually figure out that we are both right, in a very ”inexact” way. precision. I realized I needed to forget all of his past misdemeanors and recognize that he was not trying to be a repeat offender. He really was putting his best foot forward. Now, whenever a scorekeeping argument starts brewing, the first thing we do is laugh at ourselves and call it what it is-a silly, waste-of-time game. When we stop and think about each other's point of view, the funny thing is, we usually figure out that we are both right, in a very ”inexact” way.

We all need to think about how we can make the situation better, because we can't make it go away.

For Starters, Hand in Your Martyr Badge ”For to feel oneself a martyr, as everybody knows, is a pleasurable thing.”

-Erskine Childers Sorry. That thing's gotta go. We're all guilty of it: men with their high-drama highjinks, ”You're ruining my life,” and women with their high-octane harping, ”You'd be happy to let me do it all on my own, wouldn't you?” We all feel overwhelmed. We all feel underappreciated and totally put-upon by our spouses. We've all played the martyr, and made the scorekeeping worse with the great shows of our suffering. It doesn't really get us anywhere, though, does it? Our spouse gets annoyed by the inference Our spouse gets annoyed by the inference that we are working harder than they are, and withholds the very appreciation and validation we are seeking. that we are working harder than they are, and withholds the very appreciation and validation we are seeking. No one wins. No one wins.

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What's the Score?

95.”C'mon, now. Hand it over.”

Show Appreciation/Validate There. That's better. Now for some good news. Universally, people told us they want empathy more than they want action. They are perfectly willing to do what they think is more more than their fair share as long as they are getting a little appreciation for it-as long as their spouse says, than their fair share as long as they are getting a little appreciation for it-as long as their spouse says, ”Thank you,” or ”You're doing a great job, and I appreciate it,” rather than, ”My life is so much harder than yours,” or ”Can't you see that I've got it tougher?”

What's the best way to motivate somebody? Positive reinforcement.

Julia and Stacie learned this in business school. Cathy learned it in her legal consulting practice. Ac-cen-tu-ate the Pos-i-tive: ”You were so helpful with the kids this morning,” E-lim-in-ate the Neg-a-tive: ”Why didn't you do the laundry tonight?” It's so much more effective. Even better if you go over the top a little bit-even if, deep down, you think it's something your spouse should've been doing anyway and they don't really deserve the accolades. When you let your partner know you appreciate what they've done, you'll motivate them to do it again. (P.S. this works with kids, too.) ”I'm so focused on what Kevin hasn't hasn't done that I forget what he does do. And I know there are times I've neglected to tell him anything nice for weeks on end. Just as I'm talking to you about this, I remember his dad made some very nice comments about done that I forget what he does do. And I know there are times I've neglected to tell him anything nice for weeks on end. Just as I'm talking to you about this, I remember his dad made some very nice comments about 96 96 him to me on the phone last week, and I didn't even bother to tell him about it.”

-Janet, married 8 years, 3 kids Not sure how to start with this one? So mad that you can hardly for-mulate a coherent sentence like, ”Get off your sorry b.u.t.t and help me pick up these toys!” Here are some obvious-sounding, but underutilized ideas to get you started: The Three A's: Affirmation, Appreciation, and Acknowledgment.

Just pick one and run with it.

2. Some sample (indeed, actual) Nice Things to Say Nice Things to Say: * ”Gosh, I remember how hard it is to travel on business. You went up and back to New York in one day today. That's a b.i.t.c.h. Yes, you did that because you had to for work, but you also did it for me and the kids. Thank you.”

* ”You are working and you keep the s.h.i.+t moving at home, too.

Thank you for keeping it all together for us.”

* ”The other day my husband told our daughter, 'Your Mom is wonderful. Do you know how wonderful she is? She takes such good care of all of us.' He's really good about saying things like that, and it means so much to me.”

Actually writing these down makes us feel kind of sappy, but just saying something like this to your spouse can make a big difference.

3. Think about the 101 Invisible Things 101 Invisible Things your spouse does on a regular basis, and point one of them out occasionally: your spouse does on a regular basis, and point one of them out occasionally: * You did the dishes.

* You put up with that putz at the office in an all-day meeting.

* You did my laundry.

* You changed the diaper.

* You sat in traffic for an hour.

* You got the boys dressed and fed before I got up this morning.

* You get the picture . . .

Most of us wait until that invisible thing is not not done to comment on it. We're all pretty familiar with where that gets us. done to comment on it. We're all pretty familiar with where that gets us.

k.u.mbayah Sometimes we get so consumed with all the work that needs doing What's the Score?

97.that we can lose sight of the big picture. Once in a while we have to get our heads out of the laundry basket, the shopping list, the leaky faucet, the work deadline, and the state of the savings account long enough to appreciate all the good things we have.

Setting Expectations and Planning The other most effective way to eliminate scorekeeping is simple, but none of us (and, for the record, none of our husbands) even thought about it until we started working on this book. You have to have a set You have to have a set division of labor. Specifi c areas of responsibility. division of labor. Specifi c areas of responsibility. This does away with scorekeeping. Or at least it takes the sting out of it . . . This does away with scorekeeping. Or at least it takes the sting out of it . . .

For example: Andrea's husband, Daniel, does all the cooking. Helen's husband, Phil, cleans up the kitchen after dinner as Helen gives their kids a bath and gets them to bed. Tom said that he and his wife Joanne have had very explicit discussions about how to divvy up the baby duties: he takes care of the baby from Sat.u.r.day night to Sunday morning so she can sleep in. (FYI: Tom is the Baby-Einstein-on-repeat-play guy.) Allison said, ”We set expectations. Two mornings a week Bill gets up with the kids. It used to be me every single morning. He would never volunteer to do it, but we agreed on two mornings a week for him. Now, he does it and doesn't make a big deal out of it.”

To do this right, you have to make a list and divide it up. Yeah, we know. We didn't want to do it either because it's boring and time consuming. But it has several benefits, the most important of which being that you can actually stop arguing about who is responsible for what you can actually stop arguing about who is responsible for what. If that's not reason enough for you, here are some more: * It forces us to prioritize.

* It forces us to own up to our own scorekeeping behavior.

* It helps us to see that men are not useless and that women are not control-freak, life-dominating lunatics.

* It helps us eliminate unnecessary stress on our marriages by ill.u.s.trat-ing the sheer physical volume of work we are both facing, together.

98.The Everything List Make a list of everything, absolutely everything you can think of that must be done, sometimes every day, sometimes on the weekends, sometimes just occasionally (like every birthday and holiday).

Daily: work; children (up, dressed, nursed, fed, de-slimed after breakfast, hair brushed, teeth brushed, lunches and backpacks packed, notes, forms, etc.); drive children to school/ day care; daily house maintenance (dishes, laundry, trash, etc.); lawn and garden care; prepare meals; nap management for small children and babies Weekly: family activity and time management (includes birthday parties); adult social-life management (remember that?); grocery shopping/meal planning; after-school activities/ playdate management and transportation; weekly/monthly/ (biannual?) house cleaning (mopping, bathrooms, etc.) Specials: extended family management (visits, calls, etc.); photo management; gift management: birthdays in your family (36 people), birthdays of extended family (620 people); correspondence management (birthday cards, thank-you notes, email); travel management; holidays (cards, decorations, gifts, activities, cooking); home projects (repair, maintenance, and generally making it look nice); volunteer for kids' schools Ongoing Administration: bills; health care (appointments, insurance, etc.); education (school selection and evaluation) Divide and Conquer Divide and Conquer As one couple with five children told us: ”We're each giving one-hundred percent here, each in our own way. We have to focus on the end result, not always keeping the score fi ftyfi fty.”

Once you've made a list, you'll both clearly see the mountain of work that is always in front of you. The only way to get it all done is to Divide Divide and Conquer and Conquer.

What's the Score?

99.Theresa said, ”We have a good division of labor. If he doesn't do his part, it's his problem. If it's not that important, I wash my hands of it.”

Play on your strengths. If you love to cook, sign up for that. Retain control over things that are really important to you. If not was.h.i.+ng the darks and whites together is tantamount to your happiness, don't let it go. Keep the laundry on your side of the list. Then relax and a.s.sume your spouse will take care of his or her fair share.

Let's Talk Fruit: Another Great Divide In the course of writing this book, we discovered that when both spouses work, there is less scorekeeping.

An Apples-To-Apples Comparison In general, we found that men whose wives work full-time pitch in more. Consequently, there is less scorekeeping. Our thesis is that these guys pitch in more because (a) they simply have to, because there are not enough hours in the day for their wives to work full-time and take care of everything on the home front, and (b) they have the shared experience of working outside the home ( an apples an apples- to to- apples comparison apples comparison), so they understand how tired/stressed their wives are at the end of the day, because, hey, they are, too.

An Apples-To-Oranges Comparison On the other hand, there seems to be more scorekeeping in the at-home-mother households. What we found is that (a) most husbands have little understanding of how much their wives are doing ( think apples to oranges as you compare their days think apples to oranges as you compare their days), so they don't understand how tired she is, and are therefore less likely to pitch in, and (b) they think that their financial contribution drastically reduces (or negates) their domestic obligations.

Faced with this, what's a wife to do but keep score?

Note: The most effective way to bridge this gap in understanding is the Training Weekend. You'll find the details in Chapter 2.

100.

Here are some examples of how couples have adopted the Divide and Conquer team approach: ”I am neat and he is clean. So I straighten up and unload the dishwasher and he cleans the bathroom. About three years ago, he decided to learn how to cook and now does most of the cooking. I do most of the laundry.”

-Carla, married 9 years, 2 kids Brandon described a similar setup: ”We both work, so we split up the day. I deal with Parker in the morning and Lisa is on in the evening.

Consistency is key. You need to figure out who is good at what and divide the labor accordingly. I'm good at the macro stuff (fixing leaky taps) and she's good at the micro stuff (paying the bills), so we just divide it up that way.”

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