Part 4 (1/2)
The Rules The game of scorekeeping involves the trading back and forth of Marriage Capital Marriage Capital, or ”points,” between husband and wife. Pay attention here, because the rules are exceedingly complex. Here's a short overview: 1. In most instances, according to husbands, it is the wife who determines how many points a specific activity scores. ”Why doesn't checking the air in her tires count, but cleaning the kitchen does?”
”I always thought that I would get points for yard work. I'm out there on a Sat.u.r.day morning tr.i.m.m.i.n.g the hedges, mowing the lawn, making it all look pretty, and I walk in and she says, 'Where the h.e.l.l have you been?' ”
-Jacob, married 7 years, 2 kids What's the Score?
61.2. Men often think that they have scored major points (”Hey, I was up at the crack of dawn with the kids; I did all the grocery shopping this weekend”), but to their wives, activities that count as ”doing his fair share” don't score any points at all.
3. In fact, a man may have points deducted deducted because he because he expects expects major kudos for simply pulling his weight. major kudos for simply pulling his weight.
4. Positive points have a use-by date. If they are not used within recent memory of the point-scoring activity, they expire.
5. Negative points, however, last indefinitely. Women, we've been told, keep a detailed mental log of all infractions and omissions.
”You get credit for a good deed, but it only lasts for about six months. You have to use it fast. But demerits, they last forever.”
-Francisco, married 4 years, 2 kids 6. In effect, there is no statute of limitations.
”What do you mean you're going to the game? You only spent an hour with the kids last weekend! And when your parents were here last month, I was the one playing Scrabble with your mother until all hours. . . .”
-Tracy, married 5 years, 2 kids 7. Advanced-level play: ”You can get multiple points if you actually forgo a golf game or whatever and tell your wife you want to spend time with her.”
-Simon, married 3 years, 1 kid ”No way. My wife would call bulls.h.i.+t on that right away. She'd smell a rat.”
-Vince, married 5 years, 2 kids 62.Weekend Warriors Welcome to the weekend, the Scorekeeping Super Bowl.
”TGIF? That's a joke. Thank G.o.d it's Monday is more like it. I kiss my desk on Monday morning.”
-Dev, married 7 years, 2 kids ”Peter and I argue over 'pacing.' He's not in any hurry, but I feel like I have to keep moving or the whole family will be buried in laundry, toys, dishes, and dust bunnies. I can't stop. And I can't take a break. If I take a break, then the baby will want to nurse by the time I'm ready to start working again and I will fall further behind. Meanwhile, he wants to relax on the weekend and sip his coffee. I want him to be up and cleaning the bathroom.”
-Kelly, married 8 years, 3 kids Remember Sat.u.r.day and Sunday? Forty-eight hours of R&R. You could stay in bed (together) until noon . . . or not. You could have brunch at your favorite little bistro. Take in a movie. Paint your toenails, paint his toenails. The options were endless. He did his stuff. You did your stuff.
Then you did some couple stuff. Remember when the most taxing issue you had was ”Hey, what'll we do this weekend?” Kids arrive, and that question becomes, ”You're doing what what this weekend?” The this weekend?” The what what being fis.h.i.+ng, jogging, aerobics, a manicure, work, golf, or whatever activity it is that takes you away from kids and spouse for more than thirty minutes. being fis.h.i.+ng, jogging, aerobics, a manicure, work, golf, or whatever activity it is that takes you away from kids and spouse for more than thirty minutes.
”I really resent that he wants to take off for five hours to play golf on Sat.u.r.day, then he expects me to be oh-so-grateful because he watches the kids while I go to yoga for an hour. Big friggin' deal.”
-Jane, married 9 years, 2 kids At no other time is the transition from carefree couple to enc.u.mbered parents more apparent than on the weekend. There is no more ”me time.”
Your errands and all the house maintenance still have to be done, but now at breakneck speed with small people hanging on your legs. A little personal time to pursue your favorite activities becomes the subject of intense negotiation.
What's the Score?
63.Those women who work outside the house descend into the depths of domestic h.e.l.l on the weekend. During the week they either don't notice, or have no choice but to ignore, the c.r.a.p under the sofa, the pile of unwashed laundry and the almost-empty fridge. Sat.u.r.day arrives and those clothes must must be washed, the living room be washed, the living room must must be picked up, and the fridge be picked up, and the fridge must must be filled. Needless to say, their husbands are not thrilled to be sucked into a maelstrom of cleaning, shopping, and child-minding. be filled. Needless to say, their husbands are not thrilled to be sucked into a maelstrom of cleaning, shopping, and child-minding.
(For the record, we girls are not too thrilled about it either, but what's the alternative-domestic chaos and smelly, starving kids?) Scorekeeping Confessions Scorekeeping Confessions The three of us have at one time or another been serious scorekeepers. We're not proud to admit it, but there you have it. We each had different styles and our own way of letting our husbands know the score. Notice we are using the past tense. That is somewhat aspirational, but we have improved enormously and we're still working on it. Meet the Silent Sulker, the Quarterly Exploder, and Exacto Woman: The Silent Sulker Never being one to let a good grudge go to waste, in addition to being a consummate conflict avoider, Julia subjected Gordon to what is perhaps the most dangerous form of scorekeeping: perpetual double-secret probation perpetual double-secret probation. In her mind, being ”equal partners” meant he should see, should implicitly understand, what needed doing and do it without being told. Telling him, or asking him, to do a task seemed to be an admission that the housework and child care were ultimately her her responsibility. responsibility.
As the dishes piled up in the sink and the baby played happily with a load in his pants, Julia would note the mounting evidence of Gordon's ”unhelpfulness” on her mental log. She wanted him to be a mind reader. When, lo and behold, he wasn't, well, that was his fault, too. Instead of communicating her concerns, though, Julia would don her martyr's cloak and set about the tasks at hand with a sizable chip on her shoulder.
64.Gordon responded in kind, retreating to the couch or the yard, silently stewing. Perhaps this behavior speaks more to Julia's psychological makeup than simply her scorekeeping practices, but that's how it went down in her house.
The Quarterly Exploder Cathy is a self-confessed control freak. If something needs to be done she would rather do it herself. Most of the time that suits her just fine. Most of the time. She waits until she's drowning before she screams for help. She doesn't notice she needs a break until she's neck-deep in quicksand. About once every two to three months Cathy has a meltdown, an ”I am sick of this, you do nothing, the house is filthy, the yard is a joke, I need a haircut, and if you ask me one more time what's for dinner I will lose it” type of meltdown. Mike gives the ”You are an amazing, fantastic, super wife and outstanding mother, and I am not worthy to have you wash my socks” response and then takes off with both kids for six hours. By the time he gets back, she feels great and thinks she has the best husband in the world. (Yeah, Stacie and Julia don't understand it either.) Then everything is fine for a few months until the next explosion.
Exacto Woman Stacie's brain operates like a precise mathematical computer program, complete with detailed files, heavy-duty a.n.a.lysis, and at least a hundred gigabytes of memory. According to Ross, during an argument, she accesses any and all relevant data any and all relevant data- times, places, names, entire entire conversations, you name it-then she proceeds to a.n.a.lyze every last detail. conversations, you name it-then she proceeds to a.n.a.lyze every last detail.
During the early post-baby years, the scorekeeping battle was on. Ross, the Debate Club Champion met Exacto Woman Exacto Woman.
During arguments about Ross's poorly timed golf outings or how little he helped out with a birthday party, Stacie, thinking that he still didn't ”get” the big picture, would access the real ammo: every infraction from the last six months. Ross would return fire with detailed reb.u.t.tals, complete with statistical percentages comparing the merits of their arguments. But how What's the Score?
65.could you blame him? He had to put his best game face on for Exacto Woman Exacto Woman. They were both guilty of trying to win rather than achieve mutual understanding.
Why Do We Keep Score?
After kids arrive, amateur scorekeepers turn pro, and those of us who never cared about how much, or how little, our spouse did around the house start to keep score. Why do we do it?
Validation. We feel like our spouse either doesn't get how hard we are working, or gets it, but doesn't give us our propers. We need a little expression of understanding and appreciation. We feel like our spouse either doesn't get how hard we are working, or gets it, but doesn't give us our propers. We need a little expression of understanding and appreciation.
Exhaustion. Parenthood is like playing in heavy surf. The waves are relentless. We've eaten one too many mouthfuls of sand. We hope our spouse will lessen our burden. We're looking for some action. Parenthood is like playing in heavy surf. The waves are relentless. We've eaten one too many mouthfuls of sand. We hope our spouse will lessen our burden. We're looking for some action.
Injustice! Either we think we are pulling more weight than our spouse and are pretty ticked off about it, or we feel falsely accused of not doing our fair share. Either we think we are pulling more weight than our spouse and are pretty ticked off about it, or we feel falsely accused of not doing our fair share.
Hardwiring. Maternal instinct is powerful. ”Doing it right” suddenly becomes more important to women. Men, however, just want it done. Maternal instinct is powerful. ”Doing it right” suddenly becomes more important to women. Men, however, just want it done.
Habit. Don't we all get in a marital rut and stay there? When there is no letup in the back and forth, scorekeeping simply becomes the currency of our relations.h.i.+p. It's how we communicate about everything, dragging the baggage of all those earlier accusations and counter-accusations with us into each new conversation. Don't we all get in a marital rut and stay there? When there is no letup in the back and forth, scorekeeping simply becomes the currency of our relations.h.i.+p. It's how we communicate about everything, dragging the baggage of all those earlier accusations and counter-accusations with us into each new conversation.
Fear? Yes, fear. We think we're angry, but really, we're scared. An attorney (uh-oh) we know said: Yes, fear. We think we're angry, but really, we're scared. An attorney (uh-oh) we know said: ”Those fights are never about the trash. Anger is a secondary emotion, fear is the primary emotion. She is afraid that he doesn't value her contributions. She wants to know that she [image]
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66.is not doing it all on her own. He is afraid that he will never make her happy, that no matter what he does, it will never be enough.”
The thing is, it doesn't feel feel like he's afraid he can't make you happy when he moans about having to take the kids to Costco. It doesn't like he's afraid he can't make you happy when he moans about having to take the kids to Costco. It doesn't feel feel like she craves your validation when she complains that you washed the baby's clothes with your jeans. It just feels like you are both overworked, underappreciated, and in need of a break. And you are. like she craves your validation when she complains that you washed the baby's clothes with your jeans. It just feels like you are both overworked, underappreciated, and in need of a break. And you are.
I Win!
H OW WO M E N F E E L.
A Special Word to the Opposition (Oops! We Mean Our Male Friends) Guys, we know what you're thinking (because our husbands have already said it to us): ”How women feel about domestic c.r.a.p?
You must be joking. Could there possibly be a more boring topic that I could be less interested in?” Before you hurl this What's the Score?
67.book across the room and head for the couch, though, hear us out.
Are you sick of scorekeeping? Do you wish you had more free time? Do you want a little more credit for all the acts of domestic and professional heroism you perform week in and week out? We've got your side of the story covered in this chapter as well. The thing is, we've talked to hundreds of women. Many told us this issue is as important to them as s.e.x is to you. (We know you've already read that chapter first, so don't pretend you haven't.) So now it's your turn. Read on and try to understand how your wife feels about the division of labor. C'mon. Fair's fair.
Why Do Women Keep Score?