Part 3 (1/2)

46.nize a girl trip. Most women just won't go away on trips and leave their families. It took Stacie six months and over a hundred emails six months and over a hundred emails to organize her college friends to go away on a girl trip. Another friend's fi rst effort was aborted when one of the women wanted to bring her one-year-old along. By comparison, when men sense an opportunity for escape, they quickly organize themselves like flying geese in to organize her college friends to go away on a girl trip. Another friend's fi rst effort was aborted when one of the women wanted to bring her one-year-old along. By comparison, when men sense an opportunity for escape, they quickly organize themselves like flying geese in Perfect V Formation Perfect V Formation headed straight for the airport. headed straight for the airport.

In Perfect V Formation Don't let a logistical dilemma prevent a Training Weekend. Spend two days and nights on your own if that's the only alternative (sounds heavenly, actually). Yes, it is hard to leave your kids. Yes, you will miss them.

But you will feel so much better when you get back. And, best of all, you will have a grateful and helpful husband greeting you at the door.

Baby . . . Boom!

47.To All the Male Doubters Out There: You Can Do It!

”I'm not sure what the big deal is. I'm their father, for G.o.d's sake.”

-Lee, married 9 years, 3 kids Have you ever thought to yourself, ”Aw, c'mon. What's she complaining about? It can't be that tough.” Or maybe you're a little frightened at the prospect (we promise not to tell anyone) and you've thought, ”It's unnatural, not to mention dangerous, to ask the JV squad to suit up for a playoff game, right?” Well, it's harder than you think, but it's also easier than you think. If you can change a diaper, and if you can feed the baby a bottle while you watch SportsCenter SportsCenter, you can do this.

True Story Her Story When our daughter was about four months old, Ross, who had told me he would be home at 7:00 P.M., rolled in the door two hours late. I was pretty ticked. I had had a day from h.e.l.l and hadn't showered in three days. When he said to me, ”Why is this so hard for you? She napped twice, so you had two breaks, right? What's your problem?” I knew there was no other recourse than for him to see for himself, so I planned a trip away.

His Story Mainly, I was happy that Stacie was getting a break. I could tell she really needed one, and, honestly, I did think, ”How hard can it be?” I thought she was making a big deal over nothing.

Turns out I didn't need a Training Weekend; all I needed was one morning. I was dying. I just wanted it to be over. On that Sunday, she was supposed to get back at 2:00 P.M. I was counting the minutes. At 2:05 I called her cell phone. She said she was stuck in traffic and she'd be an hour late. I started yelling at her, ”This is absolute bulls.h.i.+t. You told me you'd be home at 2:00!”

48.Her Story It worked. Ross's att.i.tude totally changed after that weekend.

Now, he always lets me know his ETA. He makes no more insensitive cracks (well, hardly any). And I hear the words, ”You're amazing and I don't know how you do it” (which is really all any mother wants to hear), a lot more often. He's really stepped up on the domestic front, too. He hits the house with a ”what can I do?” att.i.tude, and it just means the world to me.

His Story Yeah, yeah, I get it now. I'll never forget how relieved I was to see her walk in the door. I was beat up. Now I know that's how she feels when she sees me. I have a lot of respect for her job now. I couldn't do it.

S O LUTI O N S FO R WO M E N.

He Can Can Do It (and He Do It (and He Should Should Do It) Do It) ”When the baby was born I wouldn't let my husband do anything. And when he did do something, I criticized him. My mom told me, 'You either let him do it his way or he will not help you.' ”

-Eva, married 8 years, 2 kids ”They may not eat veggies when I'm gone, but I don't criticize him. If I do, I will break down his ability to relate to the kids.”

-Allison, married 7 years, 2 kids Most Dads can be pretty handy with babies. Yet how often do we complain (and the three of us have often done so ourselves) that our husbands are completely clueless? Are we contributing to that cluelessness?

We don't deliberately set them up to fail, but do we equip them to succeed? For most of us, motherhood is a trial-and-error/baptism-by-fi re education. We learn as we go. If we stand over our husband as he tries to identify the front end of the diaper, or make sure that he is holding the baby just so, how will he he learn as learn as he he goes? goes?

Baby . . . Boom!

49.”I don't have any baby responsibilities. There is no division of labor. She refuses to let anyone else care for Owen. Even me.”

-Doug, married 5 years, 1 kid Plenty of guys are happy to use their wives' controlling tendencies to escape their shared responsibilities. Don't give him that excuse. A few years down the road, when that baby is a toddler throwing a tantrum, and your husband tells you that you should deal with it because ”you are so much better than me at this stuff,” what will you say? If we never gave them an opportunity to hone their parenting skills, can we really blame them?

Turn to Other Women Julia and Gordon moved when she was eight months pregnant with her second child. She didn't know a soul in their new town. But a couple of her new neighbors took her under their wings. They helped her fi nd everything from a pediatrician to a preschool to an OB to deliver the baby.

They kept her sane after the baby was born, too. She's often wondered how she would have survived without them.

It's one of the few bad things about being born an American. In some other cultures, newborns are the exclusive province of women. The new mother is put to bed after the baby is born. She is fed and pampered. The baby is brought to her for feedings and then taken away so that she can sleep and recover. A community of women tends to her and the baby.

(We're not quite sure what the new father is doing-a.s.sembling the ba-by's highchair, perhaps. . . .) While plenty of us had lots of great help from mothers, sisters, in-laws, and friends, no one we know had this kind of gentle adjustment to motherhood. But wouldn't you agree that the wisdom, empathy, and kindness of other women are essential for all new mothers?

One of the reasons we think we should turn to our female friends and relatives is that our husbands, as men, even though they are heavily invested in their kids and our emotional needs, are not equipped to give us everything we need at this time. Only another mother can understand how thrilled, overwhelmed, and terrified we feel. Only another woman can talk to us about latch-on and nipple s.h.i.+elds. (See, we just lost whatever male readers we had up to this point).

50.When Stacie and Julia had their first kids, they joined forces and helped each other out. They shared a sitter twice a week to keep the babysitting costs down and give the kids some playtime together. Even after the sitter went home, they'd often hang out together through the long afternoon ”witching hours.” They even kept each other's kids overnight so the other could get a break with her hubby.

We women have to be careful what we demand and expect of each other with new babies on the scene. Like the preschool teacher who asked Stacie to make a ca.s.serole for the cla.s.s party eight days eight days after she'd had her third baby. Like the friends who raise an eyebrow when they come over to your house for a playdate and things are a little untidy. Let's be sisters united in the cause, not sisters who sit in judgment of each other. after she'd had her third baby. Like the friends who raise an eyebrow when they come over to your house for a playdate and things are a little untidy. Let's be sisters united in the cause, not sisters who sit in judgment of each other.

How Full Is Your Cup?

”I didn't start doing yoga again until I started getting migraines and my doctor said I had to.”

-Leslie, married 8 years, 3 kids ”I gave myself over to motherhood until I realized, hey, I need to keep myself healthy if I'm going to be around to take care of my child. So I finally got my b.u.t.t back to the gym.”

-Margaret, married 5 years, 1 kid We are, for the most part, thrilled by our new role, but the thrill diminishes if we don't take care of ourselves. Once we are out of the Twilight Zone, we need to reclaim our sense of self. We need to make time for some exercise and pursue something we enjoy, even if it's just time with our girlfriends. If we can't get motivated enough to do it for ourselves, we need to do it for our kids. A frazzled mother running on fumes is not a good mother.

Baby . . . Boom!

51.S O LUTI O N S FO R M E N.

Now's Your Chance to Play Varsity In talking to as many men as we did during the course of writing this book, we noticed a funny thing about men and new parenthood: on the one hand, you are totally committed to your family and you relish your new role of father. On the other hand, the realities of caring for a newborn just don't do much for you. To you, that little ten-pounder (a.k.a. The Blob) requires a heavy investment (feeding, burping, diaper-ing, bathing) that gives very little payoff, at least initially (an occasional smile if you're lucky). A few minutes a day with the little football is usually sufficient, then you're more than happy to make the handoff back to Mom, Grandma, or, well, pretty much anyone else with a pulse who can dial 911 in an emergency.

In this chapter, we've talked a lot about how we women should be mindful of our instincts to control everything once we become mothers. Here is the logical outgrowth of that idea: overcome your instinct to overcome your instinct to head for the sidelines until the game gets more interesting. Your team needs head for the sidelines until the game gets more interesting. Your team needs you you-especially during this critical newborn stage. Think of it as the fatherhood equivalent of all the time Tiger Woods spends practicing out in the rain. You don't get the reward if you don't put in the time.

a.s.suming you fall somewhere in the middle of the ”hands-on” spectrum between the ”everything but breastfeeding” brigade and the ”proud to have never changed a diaper” crew, here's a handy set of New Dad plays we bet you can master: Basic Competency List, or What Every Self-Respecting Dad Should Know How to Do Dad Should Know How to Do * Change a diaper * Dispose of a diaper (properly) * Bottle-feed the baby (includes preparing the bottle) * Burp the baby 52.* Put the baby down for a nap * Dress the baby (in weather and destination-appropriate garments) * Put the baby in a car seat * Put the baby in a stroller and push it around the local park * Basic orienteering skills: know where to fi nd the diapers, wipes, bottles, and formula (both in your own home and in the local grocery store) No Excuses Yeah, yeah-you don't know how to play the game . . . the fi rst baby you ever held was your own . . . the baby doesn't really like you . . . you might accidentally hurt it . . . your wife is so much better at everything . . . your wife won't let you do anything . . . yadda, yadda, yadda. We've heard 'em all. Some of those excuses do have merit; a newborn baby can be quite terrifying. Ah, but you'll get no violins playing around here. Your wife really needs your help, even if she sometimes acts like she doesn't want it. What's more, your baby needs you. He needs your love and attention, too.

The payoff for you comes later. Don't worry, we'll get to that.

Why Your Partic.i.p.ation Is Important During the course of writing this book we saw so many women reduced to tears as they recalled how ”disappointed” and ”abandoned” they felt during the early newborn phase. Sometimes, the kids are in junior high and they still still remember how hurt they were by a nonessential trip their husbands took, or how he behaved as if nothing had changed in his life, or how he never once offered to do a full night of feedings. remember how hurt they were by a nonessential trip their husbands took, or how he behaved as if nothing had changed in his life, or how he never once offered to do a full night of feedings.

As much as fatherhood is a sacrifice, it's also an opportunity: it's your chance to be a hero. Women whose husbands had stepped up couldn't sing their praises loudly enough. ”He was fantastic.” ”I was so lucky. He was with me every step of the way.” You have an opportunity during this time to foster feelings of love and tenderness and pride in your wife.

These are feelings that she will hold on to forever.

Baby . . . Boom!

53.Team Think It's a trade-off. As a father, you should consider your partner's and your kid's needs in your calculations. It's simply a quid pro quo. If you want to go to the game on Sat.u.r.day afternoon, present it this way: ”Hey, if we don't have anything going on, I'd love to go see the game . . . Then (and this is important) quickly follow it up with, ” . . . and I'd be happy to keep the baby tomorrow while you go do your thing.” Somehow, the balance idea doesn't always seem to make it into the request to get away. Without it, to many women, it feels like you're always just angling to get away at her expense. The trade-off shows you get it-that you view this baby thing as a joint effort. As a father, you should consider your partner's and your kid's needs in your calculations. It's simply a quid pro quo. If you want to go to the game on Sat.u.r.day afternoon, present it this way: ”Hey, if we don't have anything going on, I'd love to go see the game . . . Then (and this is important) quickly follow it up with, ” . . . and I'd be happy to keep the baby tomorrow while you go do your thing.” Somehow, the balance idea doesn't always seem to make it into the request to get away. Without it, to many women, it feels like you're always just angling to get away at her expense. The trade-off shows you get it-that you view this baby thing as a joint effort.

Seeing and doing. Here are some suggestions to help you support your wife and show your undying dedication to your family: Here are some suggestions to help you support your wife and show your undying dedication to your family: The Situation The Situation How to Be a Hero Your wife was up five times last Take the baby so she can catch a night.

nap. Or offer to do a full night of feedings once a week.

Your wife looks kind of grubby Take your place on the a.s.sembly and pale when you get home, line and pitch in with those which is daily.

feedings, diaper changes, and baths.

Your wife was on baby duty all Offer to take over part of the week without a break.

weekend so she can get a breather and do something for herself.

Your buddies are going to a bar Go another time. Your wife needs after work.

you more than ever. Maybe she'll have the energy to make you a c.o.c.ktail when you get home.